Pope John Paul III

Apparently Not Slow Progress

2011-07-31T22:11:00.002-05:00

The delay in closing and picking up an extra overtime shift cost me some time on my timeline for getting into the house. I thought I was making very slow progress in the three days I had to work on it.

I had July 26-28 to get as much done as possible before I went back to work on 29th. I really didn't think I accomplished much until I told people what I did. On the first day I shampooed the upstairs carpets, bought the gas stove I wanted and replaced the dishwasher.

On the second day, I went to Target and bought stuff to fix up the bathrooms (one and a half baths). I spent the better part of the day cleaning the shower from top to bottom. Finally I hung the shower liner and curtain and put the mats down where I want them. Next I tried to match the paint in the living room as I only want to paint three walls. I left Home Depot with sheets of paint chips. All the same shade but the light really affects the color. I think I got close enough. It took more time than I thought so after dinner I called it a day.

I also had an open invitation to go hang out with Mila. I took her up on her offer. I hooked up with her and we had a good time. I've mentioned it before but her laugh is wonderful. It's hearty, genuine and loud. Loud in a good way...not obnoxious at all. She is so sexy too. Mila is just great to be around. She texts me randomly through out the day. It's nice but way to early to get attached to her emotionally. My thoughts do wonder to her occasionally. Just little high school crush things.

Day three of house remodeling and I decided on the color that best matches the living/dining area. I went back to Home Depot and bought a brush and a small sample. I painted three marks around the room. Not exactly a match due to the way light hits but not an ugly mismatch. By the front entrance, it's a perfect match. The way the walls create natural breaks it's not noticeable that the shades are slightly different. Tuesday I get painting project underway.

Selecting a color for the master bedroom will be easier. I have nothing to match. I'm just going to pick a color I like and have at it. Once the master bedroom is painted, I'm going to disassemble my queen bed and haul it over in the truck. I've already selected a new mattress so I'll have the frame in place when the mattress is delivered.

I also found a full size sleeper futon for the guest bedroom/office. I'll keep it in futon form when no one is visiting.

Ton of stuff more needs work but right now I'm doing enough to make the place clean and painted. Once I get everything set up, I'll start working on striping the half bath cabinets and staining them. I need to make sure I can still do decent wood work before I tear up the kitchen cabinets. If I do a good job on half bath then the bathroom upstairs might be next and then the kitchen.

The final piece to the puzzle is remodeling the kitchen. Aside from cabinet and stripping them, I want to replace counter tops. Poor guy who lived there before me had whole place plain white. I have to spruce it up. The counter tops are white particle board. I'm looking at granite or marble tops. Marble is damn expensive but I can probably afford it. I may be able to do it myself.

Well that's all for now. Things are moving along quiet excitingly for me. More updates as I continue my move...

Good Night from the Balcony,
JPIII

A Man's Home is His Papal Apartment

2011-07-26T08:48:00.003-05:00

After many delays, the Pope finally closed the deal on his new mini-Vatican.

I had the appraiser from hell. I was all set to close two weeks ago. Twice he delayed the closing. At first he insisted that deed documents were wrong because it didn't list a home owners association but that an HOA existed. The title company said there is an home owners group that exists for fixing mutual problems on in the area like a busted sewer line or shared common areas. They don't function on the legal definition of an HOA.

On the first closing date, the appraiser was out in the field and wouldn't return until late in the afternoon to change the paper work. The bank put the closing on indefinite hold.

This created a ton of problems for me.

First, I had to fight to get the day off from work. The max allowable had taken vacation already. So I had to get special permission from the boss's boss's boss. I had to go up three levels of management for approval. Before he'd approve though I had to call around and see if anyone from the off shifts were willing to swap with me. No deal. So I went through a lot of trouble to get the day off and then wasted it.

Second, that day was a drop date for closing. It was going to cost people money...namely me! My interest rate I was locked into expired that day. The contract sale expired that day and the seller was adamant that we close so he wouldn't have to pay another mortgage payment.

I decided to make two counters. First I'd agree to a week extension on the sale contract. Second, in order to get the sale contract extension, I offered to pay the mortgage for one month. In return, the seller agreed and the bank agreed to keep my lower interest rate locked in for another month.

It took two more days for us to finally close. The appraiser never changed his mind about the HOA. In the end, the mortgage company and the title company came to an agreement on the wording of the documents and amended whatever they had to on the side to complete the sale.

I still haven't spent the night in my new place but today I start the work. Today's agenda includes shampooing the upstairs carpet, purchasing a new stove and dishwasher and selecting paint colors for living room and master bedroom. I have a stove but decided on switching from electric to gas.

Next post I hope to have an introduction to Mila.

Shards of Sophia Part 2

2011-07-25T22:57:00.002-05:00

Since Mila mentioned she knew Sophia, I've been thinking a lot about Sophia.

Further thinking led me to another conclusion. Thinking about Sophia isn't fair to Mila or me. I have this budding friendship and possible relationship with Mila. Of course I haven't told Mila my thoughts of Sophia. I can't think of a faster way to undermine any chance with Mila by lingering on Sophia.

I never loved Sophia. I never had the chance to fall in love with her. I cared, strongly, for her. She will never know it but she had a big part in me getting my life back on track after the DWI and Depression era (see two posts ago about the Eras). It was hope she gave me of a relationship that drove me to getting my life back together.

I wonder if it was a test. Part of the process of getting my life together. I'm presented with this hope for happiness and love. Sophia, for reason still unknown, flaked out and disappeared on me. My guess is she didn't want to wait anymore and moved on. So my shot at happiness was gone for the moment.

In the past I would have drank myself into a stupor. I would have drank myself silly. Yet I had grown as a person in the crucible of sobriety and self examination. This time was different. This time I was already in therapy and I used that as an outlet versus the drink. Even before Mila, I thought occasionally of what a life with Sophia would have been like.

So now Mila walks into my life unexpectedly. I'm not prepared for her. I wasn't looking for anyone. I just was being my usual self in life. I go long periods without anyone and then someone is there. Is Mila going to work out? I don't know. Are we going to advance pass the friendship phase? Again I don't know. That's what makes it exciting. First I have a new woman in my life. Just friends for now. Yet there is some romance already. Whether it progress remains to be seen.

Mila may be the right one. The woman people talk about being the one. I don't believe in all that. I believe that if I meet and find someone and it works out....great. If it doesn't well it doesn't. The only way to find out is to give all my attention and energy to Mila. I can't let thoughts of Sophia derail me.

Mila, I pledge that Sophia is the past. It took a remarkable woman like you Mila to drive that Shard of Sophia out of my heart. From this point on, it's Mila time and Mila only. It's the fair and right approach to both of us...to pursue a relationship with a clean sheet.

Shards of Sophia

2011-07-21T22:34:00.003-05:00

A little back story as it relates to the other night.

The Sophia/Rebecca Decision

A few years ago when I was with Rebecca I met Sophia. The first time I saw her I thought she was incredibly beautiful. I met her while me, Rebecca and Rebecca's friend went out. Sophia was the friend of the friend. There was an obvious spark but I was in a relationship with Rebecca and what I thought was in love with her. That is open for debate by others but I was in love with her.

So what happens next is one night I went out to the same club where we all went that night. Not looking for Sophia or her other friend. I liked the place and that was it. Well I ran into Sophia that night. We started talking and she admitted that she was instantly attracted to me. Even years later, her exact words are still etched in my mind and heart. She said,"I met you that night and thought that guy....wow. He's amazing." We had a good time that night and exchanged phone numbers with plans to see each other again. She knew how I felt about Rebecca but it didn't deter Sophia.

She knew what she was getting into with me and was trying to wrest me away from Rebecca. Things were starting to turn south for me and Rebecca. So I was caught between two women I truly cared for. Things hadn't tanked yet with Rebecca. There was still a lot of love, fun and hope for that relationship.

Yet there was this remarkable woman in Sophia chasing me. She wasn't looking for a lay. She was looking for something more serious.

I had a decision to make. For first time in my life I had to choose between two women. Did I stay with the woman I thought I loved and continue on a course that could lead a lifetime of happiness? Or do I move on to some one new and exciting but uncertain about?

In the end, I decided to stay with the woman I loved and move on from Sophia. I hindsight I made the wrong decision.

Fast Forward Five Years
A couple of weeks ago, I met Mila. (As usual, not her real name but close enough.) I was hanging with another woman but only friends with. Mila started off the night talking and laughing. She told me how much fun she had and we kissed lightly.

Two nights ago I see her again. We have a good time drinking, laughing and telling stories. We even held hands, she moved my hands down to her leg when we sat at the table. We even kissed a few more times. Mila let her hands run along my arms and hair. She has a boisterous laugh that sound full of life. She's gorgeous. In a quiet moment, she leans over to me and whispers,"You're so handsome." We enjoy the rest of the night. I can't help but tell her how pretty she is. And it's the damn truth...she's beautiful.

She started talking about the different people she's seen and gone over the years at the bar and club we were hanging out at. Something tugged at my heart. I said to myself don't bring it up. Then she mentioned Sophia's friend.

My heart stopped. I froze for a few seconds, then I asked,"Did you know Sophia?"

"Oh my God yes. She's beautiful. So petite and just so nice." Yup that was my Sophia.

Mila then asked me,"What ever happened to her? Do you know?"

"Yes." I briefly filled her in on a few relevant parts of the Sophia/Pope story. Then I told her where Sophia went to work and her career.

"I really screwed up with letting her go."

"But did you know how she felt about you?" Mila asked.

"Yes. She made it obvious what she wanted. She's a remarkable woman who walked into my life and wanted me in her life. I made a mistake."

"If you knew how she felt then you did screw up. But we all make mistakes and have regrets. You can't let it linger."

"I did make the wrong decision but then again I don't know if me and Sophia would have made it either."

Mila was sweet to listen to that. It was years ago so Sophia poses no threat to any budding relationship to Mila. I reassured Mila as much.

After all that, she told me more about her self. Something that I'll share on a Mila episode. End of the night we exchanged numbers and hoped to see each other more often.

I hope we do. It would be nice to have someone to go eat with, go to movie with, concerts etc. You know a lady to date.

It's not that I miss Mary Jane. I miss having someone to do things with on a consistent basis.

That's the soap opera version of the Pope's Life.

Closing a Chapter - Opening A Chapter

2011-07-15T08:53:00.003-05:00

Today I'm closing out a chapter of my life and beginning a new one. In recent years, I've broken down my life into chapters or phases and today is the first in a new one.

2004-2007 The Rebecca Years
2007-2009 DWI and Depression
2009-2011 Recovery and Single
2011- ? - A New Home

Today I'm closing the deal on a new home. It's time for your pope to move into a residence befitting a man of my stature and standing in the world. Also I figure it's time to call it a new beginning of the next phase of my life.

See you in the funny pages,
The Pontiff Maximus

Little Town House on the Prairie

2011-06-30T23:57:00.003-05:00

Seriously? No updates since March? I've really let the blog fall into disrepair. As to be expected lotsa stuff has happened. Nothing bad. One big piece of news to report. The rest probably were good anecdotes and funny stories. Unfortunately those fade with time and I can't do them justice retelling them now. I'm really going to try and update more frequently. I've said in the past so let's see what happens.

Return of the Rebecca
For starters, Rebecca returned from exile a few weeks ago. I couldn't get it out of her why she went missing for six months. I didn't try really hard either to get it out of her.

For the record, Rebecca is my former Eastern European girlfriend whom I've stayed friends with after our break up four years ago. We were friends for many years before we were a couple. As I like to say, "She's a great friend but a lousy girlfriend." Some things were just meant not to be.

One morning about two weeks ago I sent her a text message just asking if she was still alive. Since she's been nonexistent in my life for months, I assumed I wouldn't hear from her. Ever. So I was shocked when she called me that evening on my commute home from work. When I asked her what had been going on she danced around the question. I let it go.

My guess all along in her silence is that she was in a relationship with someone. Fine. I figured if she was happy then let it go, let her live her life.

At the end of the conversation she asked when I had a weekend free. I told her I'd let her know.

Fast forward to two days ago. I called her after work to see if she was free this or next weekend. Her modus operandi is to let the phone ring and return the call later. It wasn't until we were together that she actually picked up when I called. I expected the voicemail and the return call the next day. Surprisingly two rings in she answered.

"Oh Pope, I was thinking about you today. I was going to call you. I need to talk to you. Blah blah blah." Her business is doing bad. She wanted to bounce some ideas off me. Being the Pope carries some responsibilities. When The Flock reaches out to me, I must listen. At the end of her laments, I told her she must do what is best for her and whatever she needs to do to get by.

The Big News
After we got Rebecca time over, she asked me how I was doing.

Let's pause the story for a little background info. Being the Pope, I must maintain modest yet appropriate residences. A Pope works hard. Thus a Pope also requires much relaxation when he can afford it. Thus I live in a small but luxurious apartment. The Flock spake many times unto me,"Oh Holy Father, thou art deserving of a more permanent residence."

I replied,"Verily, I say unto thee, it is not the time for the Pope to assume the debt of a permanent residence. For the Flock's tithes support the Pope and he doeth not deem these hard economic times appropriate for more luxury when so many suffer."

Now back to the main plot. Rebecca asked how I was doing. I replied,"Hon, next week I close on a town house in the heart of the city."

The Permanent Residence
I finally decided now was the time to take the plunge into real estate. I put off for many years buying a house. I've wanted one but never deemed it the right time.

About a year into my relationship with Rebecca, I decided that it was time to buy a house. If things worked out long term then she and her daughter could move in with me. If things didn't work out then I had a place to live. Unfortunately I picked the height of the housing boom to look. Fortunately, not only am I the Pope, but I'm Jewish also. I decided that the housing boom outweighed any benefits of home ownership at the time.

The house search actually went very quick once I found the right real estate agent. My first agent ignored me. Once I protested about her lack of response she passed me onto her assistant. He turned out to be a disaster. He was a religious mental midget who only dealt with real estate part time. But that's a tale for another day.

To suffice for now, I asked a friend who he used. He recommended someone who I will admit kicked some major ass. This guy is a real go getter.

To wind this post down, in a week the Pope will be owner of his own home. I'm very happy about it. Three things convinced me of this purchase...location location location. It's wonderful. I'll post more on that soon.

Good night...even a Pope needs his beauty sleep.

The Ofer - 0-5

2011-03-08T21:40:00.002-06:00

Every since Mary Jane left the female action has been scarce. Well a little scarce. I still have the Argentinian hottie that I mess around with occasionally. Other than her, nothing.

I just got back from New Orleans Friday and had a blast. I spent eight days in the city eating, drinking and meeting people. I was also in a Krewe parade. The asked,"Hey Pope, can you be our grand marshal?" But I declined. If they knew I was on a float they'd riot just to be near me. So I said just put me in a regular costume and I'll throw beads like everyone else.

So I got to be in a parade, throw beads and have fun.

All good times must come to an end. Friday some friends invited me out. I didn't go since I was worn out from my trip. Saturday I was feeling it if you know what I mean. And if you don't...I was fucking horny. I started at the top of my booty call list and go throw five calls...no luck. A big donut, zilch, nada, nothing. I think even my right hand turned me down.

Now I'm no longer horny. I'm frustrated. Isn't that something?

Rebecca is still missing in action. I have no idea why she decided to cut me out of her life completely. Other than she has a man in her life and for whatever reason she feels she can't include me in her life anymore. Whatever. I'm always here if she wants to find me.

Violet is back. Not much to her story yet. We made contact through Facebook. Again, whatever. But then again I'm horny so she might be my next lay.

I need to post more often.

Goodnight,
Your Ever Horny Pope

First Post of 2011

2011-01-05T16:52:00.002-06:00

New Year Post

1-4-2011

Belated Happy New Years from your ever loving Pope! I hope my flock has a wonderful and prosperous new year.

The Pontiff Maximus worked on Christmas. As you may know, as God's earthly representative, I'm required to be available 24/7. I did delegate the week of new years to a ranking cardinal.

Things have been pretty uneventful since my last entry. There are a few events that stand out.

The Ride Request

About two weeks ago I had one of my strip club outings. Afterwards I decided to pick up fast food before I went home. I live in an apartment building on two main streets. The parking garage is gated between the two six story buildings. I park the car in the garage on my assigned spot and the truck on the street. This night I have to park on a side street across one of the main streets. I see a man walking down the main street. I keep my eye him. Sure enough he crosses the street and turns down the side street where I'm parking the truck. I decide staying in the truck until he passes me. As I'm sitting there rubbing my eyes, he walks in front of my truck and toward the driver side. He waves and I roll down my window. He asks me for a ride halfway across town. He gave me some story that his buddy got arrested with a DWI. I said no. So he asks me for a ride closer by. Again I say no.

I wonder what he was thinking? Did he really think I would let a complete stranger in my truck at 1 a.m.? Sure get in the truck so you can shoot or stab me. Hell let me save you the murder rap by just giving you my keys. The sad part is there are folks who would give a ride despite the situation.

The Cold Kittens

A few days later after work, I stopped to gas up my truck. Two kittens came running out to me. It was the coldest night of the week. The kittens appeared to have just been dumped at the gas station. They were looking for someone to take them in as they were obviously used to people. I felt sorry for them. I wanted to take them home but I have an apartment with an expensive pet deposit. i chased them off hoping that they wouldn't get run over.

The Momster Monster

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother but she is turning into a cranky old lady.

I spent the new year week visiting my family out of town. We went out to eat at a dinner buffet. It's the holidays so of course the place is packed. A party of elevne was in line before us. So it takes a while to clean and set up tables for them. My mom is going absolutely bonkers complaining about the wait. I tried to calm her down by explaining that it's crowded and not the poor lady's fault we have to wait. She wants to hear none of it.

We finally were seated. We all went through the serving lines. My mother comes back more pissed off cause the buffet doesn't have what she wants. She keeps complaining the whole time. She makes a return trip and I tell my sister this a main reason why I don’t visit often. My sister tells me she avoids Mom for the same reason. The entire evening was miserable. I couldn't get away fast enough.

The New Shrink

Upon a recommendation for my old shrink I switched to one closer to my place. The first appointment was today. He did his initial evaluation and said I was doing fine but he wants me to check in within a month.

I got him to switch me back to Ambien from Lunesta. A while back during my DW I ordeal, I started sleep walking with Ambien. My theory is the stress contributed to the sleep walking. Before the ordeal I wasn't sleep walking. So now that my life is 1000% better I want to switch back cause Lunesta doesn't keep me asleep for very long and it is expensive. I might set up my computer cam to observe me when I sleep to make sure I stay in bed.

Odds and Ends

I found Violet on Facebook. I sent her a friend request to see if she had the balls to accept it. She did on New Years Eve.

Rebecca is missing in action. I haven't heard from here since after my break up with Mary Jane but before Thanksgiving. I'm starting to get a little concerned.

Well back to work. I have to read a couple of newspapers and some magazines. I might get some real work done too.

Good night from the Pope JP3.

I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-12-26T02:04:00.002-06:00

And the frustration is building. My sleep cycle is so screwed up thanks to 14 years of shift work. It's 2:00 a.m. and I'm laying bed wondering when the fuck am I going to fall asleep. I worked the day shift and started my day at 4:30 a.m. the previous day. Yet it's 2 a.m. and I'm tossing and turning.

I have several issues with the way management is using me right now at work. By all rights I should no longer work nights except for overtime and the occasional time when it's necessary to cover vacation. I have seniority over several people that are working straight days.

One coworker that is junior to me came over in the transfer with me in 2009. She hasn't worked a night shift since the move. Another worker is junior to me by several years and she hasn't worked a night shift EVER. A contractor was brought in and he is working a straight day job. Two new hires are training. Once one of them gets trained enough I better start working day shift only.

I need to at least start medication to help me sleep. I use Lunesta but that shit only works occasionally and doesn't help me sleep through the night. My prescription ran out so I thought I'd give it whirl without meds. According to what I read, a short period of insomnia happens when you quit using the drug but you should recover quick. It's been two weeks. That's more than enough time.

I've tried Rozerm, melatonin, Ambien and Ambien CR. Rozerm and melatonin do nothing. Ambien makes me sleep walk and sleep eat. Ambien CR helps me sleep through the night.

I have two theories on the Ambien sleep walking/eating. At the time it happened, I was under enormous stress. I really have no clue when exactly it started but it happened after I picked up my third DWI. The other contributing factor was that Ambien went generic. For whatever reason, Ambien generic might be slightly different. I think the combination of my mental state and generic change may have caused my issues with Ambien. Afterward that episode, my doctor refused to give me the CR version too.

Right now I'm at wits end. I'm frustrated with the situation at work. The more I think about it the angrier I get. The angrier I get the less I can sleep. The less I sleep the angrier I get. The angrier I get the more frustrated I get. It's creating a vicious cycle.

I see a new shrink at the first of the year. I don't know if I should wait for him or see my personal doctor about the sleep issues I'm having.

On the seniority front, I need to talk to my Union rep and see what we can do about me bumping people off the day shifts they aren't entitled to.

Your Insomniac Pope,
JP III the Sleepy

Mary Jane Update

2010-11-30T17:43:00.002-06:00

I should have fucking updated this blog as the events with Mary Jane unfolded. The entries would have been more compelling instead of one big blur.

Anyway, I knew how this was going to end. I knew what she was up to when I met her.

MJ is from the same eastern European country my ex Rebecca is from. MJ's student visa ran out and she needs someone to sponsor or marry her for a green card. I was the target.

So we go out and have a good time in general. I take her to nice restaurants, we go to movies and just enjoy each others company. The whole time though I keep my heart in check.

One day Rebecca calls me in a semi-panic. "You're not gonna marry this girl are you?"

"What? No. I know she's up to something. I knew it was just a matter of time before she asked me to help her get her papers in line."

"Well don't be surprised if she asks you this weekend."

Sure enough, right after I talked with Rebecca, MJ sends me a text message: I need to see you. We need to talk. It's very important.

I put it off for a week with work excuses. Why? Cause I'm to busy giggling over the situation.

Finally the day comes. She asks me to meet her at a local restaurant for coffee. I say okay and we shot the shit. I kept waiting and waiting for my marriage proposal. It never came. So I suggested a movie. We went to see "Due Date." Fucking hilarious.

After the date she dropped me off at my car but stopped me.

She said,"I may as well ask you. You know my situation. Can you help me out?"

Me, being one who doesn't like hints, replied,"Help you out? How?"

"You know what I'm asking. I feel comfortable with you. I like you. Think about it."

I said,"Listen. I have a lot to lose by doing this. I'd have to protect myself from financial and property losses if it ever came to that."

"Please think about it. I'm sure we could be happy. I'll sign anything you want. My friend was in the same situation. She met a guy and they married. She signed all the he wanted. They are very happy now."

"It's not that easy for me. This is something I don't take lightly. I'm not saying you are up to anything bad. But I am taking a lot of risk for little reward while you reap the benefits. Plus I'm not sure my family would accept you because."

"Why wouldn't they accept me?"

"Because they would know it's a marriage of convenience and not one out of love."

"Well think about it."

With that she leaned over and kissed me. A sweet kiss. She let go of my hand and I walked to my car.

Yes I did think about it. I even talked to one of my lawyer buddies and he said that a prenup most likely would hold up in court.

In the end, I know it would have been wrong. So many reasons why. It was nice being a couple for a brief period. I liked having a beautiful woman with me. There just was no feelings on my part. None whatsoever. What basis is that for a relationship much less a marriage?

I haven't seen her since that night. So long Mary Jane...okay so I'm still giggling about it.

The Eve of Life?

2010-10-07T21:33:00.002-05:00

I had my first date with Mary Jane last Sunday. More on that and other things later.

My friend's mother died recently. Tonight was the visitation. Thankfully it was closed casket. I can't stand seeing the body of person I don't know. Relatives is one thing but someone I don't know personally bothers me.

As usual with such circumstances one reflects on life. I look back on some of the things I've been through and done. I realized I have few regrets. My drinking, my DWIs, Sophia are about the only things in my life I've let get away from me. The ex-girlfriends I don't regret. Even if things didn't work out, I got to know love and closeness and tenderness. I know in the future I more than likely will again.

I'm going to be 42. At this age I don't think many of my friends see the end. I don't sense the end yet but I know 20 or 30 years down the year I will see it. Does it bother me? Not in the least. I'm not afraid of death. I don't want to die just yet but when my time comes I believe I can handle it.

In reality I'd love to live to be at least a 100 with my wit and dry sense of humor still intact. Since I don't have or want children, I'd like to die with a dear friend, spiritual adviser or an still unborn great niece or nephew. It's not a sad thought. It's reality.

I hope when I pass on that people celebrate my life. I don't want mourning. I want the people who I care about to smile or laugh when they think of me. The ones I don't like or care about I don't give a shit what they think.

Happy thoughts tonight...night.

The Friends Before Relationship Myth

2010-10-03T00:53:00.002-05:00

There is a myth perpetuated by those that don't know any better. The myth states that a couple that is great friends will have a long lasting committed strong relationship. BULLSHIT!

I was talking to a coworker of mine who recently went through a divorce. He asked me if I'd ever been married. I said no. So he asked if I was cool with being unmarried or would I consider marriage. I said it's not a priority but I'm not against marriage. It would take an extraordinary woman for me to truly love and marry. But I'm not one of those people who conform to the "norms" of society just to satisfy others.

He asked me how long I was in my last relationship (Rebecca). I told him four years. But I'm not sure because we were great friends before and some where we crossed that line. We didn't even admit it to our friends for a while. It wasn't til a friend of ours noticed how we looked at each other cornered me and asked me about it. Then we were officially outed. He was amazed that we lasted four years without getting married. He thought two years was max and that a decision had to be made then. I said buddy that isn't the way it works. It was in year three I decided we were done but I was going to make her put me out. I was miserable but she had to make the move. He didn't get that at all....neither do I but it was something I did.

It's when I explained to him that the lie that great friends do not make great partners. I told him me and Rebecca were great friends before and after...we just can't be together.

When Dee in Tampa broke down and professed her love for me based on our friendship I was stunned. I'll have sex with her, I'll hang out with her and I've stated that we can't be more than that. I have boundaries set with most women. Mary Jane, I know what I'm up to with her. The nameless Argentinian girl, I know what I'm up to with her. Another woman, Jessica, I know what's going on with her. Rebecca, I knew what I was doing....I knew I was crossing the line from friend to lover. I also bought into the myth. The relationship with Rebecca forever shattered the myth. When Dee tried the friendship argument with me, it failed. It failed because I know better. It failed because I know a friendship isn't solely the reason to build a relationship.

The old saying, "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives" has a partial truth to it. What it leaves out is friends are the relatives you pick. True friends are actually as close as siblings or at least my friends are. So if my friends are sibling like, how can I cross that line? It almost becomes incestuous to take a friend as a partner, lover or whatever. Laugh as much as you want at that reasoning but it's true to me. I have a female friend who I call my twin. People tell me we should end up together....no, that's my sister you're talking about. Gross.

So then how if I discount my female friends as lovers, who is eligible? That I can't pinpoint. It starts as a casual attraction somewhere. Good looking, nice ass, nice boobs, cute face, nice hair, sense of humor, nice smile, intelligence...something has to be a precursor. Not all the things I listed. It could be an intelligent woman with a great sense of humor without all the physical attributes I listed. I'm not shallow. But there has to be an attraction some where on the physical or intellectual level.

One final note on the subject. People often ask me what I look for in a woman. I always answer that I can't answer that question. Every woman is unique. I can't limit myself to one particular type of woman. I won't know until I meet her. I just can't answer that question.

This post ran longer than I intended...good night.

Last Dance With Mary Jane

2010-09-29T15:56:00.003-05:00

I'll call her Mary Jane. It's the closest I can get to an English pronunciation of her name. Mary Jane is a friend of Rebecca's ex-husband Ed.

One day Rebecca calls me and said Ed was looking to hook up his friend Mary Jane with someone and I came to her mind. I said ok, I'll meet this woman and take it from there.

Mary Jane is a stunning woman but one major problem....she's a 21 year old party girl. She loves to party. I don't. I'm 41 and the dance club scene she likes isn't me. Plus the 20 year age difference is a factor for me.

So I met Mary Jane anyway. I called her to ask her out but she never returned my call. Oh well, it was about what I expected. She met me, was nice but not interested. Whatever.

Rebecca asked me what happened with Mary Jane. I told her and Rebecca wasn't exactly happy that she treated me that way. So she called Ed and pretty much said,"What the fuck is up with this girl?" Ed explained that Mary Jane was in South Carolina with family and working.

That was a few months ago.

Then Rebecca called me last week and said she talked to Mary Jane. She told MJ to call me if she was still interested. I previously told Rebecca that I wasn't interested in MJ. To young and the whole party thing. Rebecca said to call her anyway. I said that was a problem since I deleted MJ's number.

The very next day Mary Jane calls me and asks me to lunch or dinner. Sorry I told her, I've got two tailgates planned this weekend. Football is my busy time of year.

Monday she sent me a text telling me hello and how she wanted to meet up with me. I said fine. How about Sunday she asked. I said fine since there was no home football games to go to.

So that's where I'm at with Mary Jane. I'm going to tell what's going to happen too. I will go out with her a few times. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get a roll in the hay or two out of it. But that's it.

This girl really can't be healthy for me. Her partying and my history of alcohol abuse make for a volatile mix. I can't have that.

So thanks in advance for the dance, Mary Jane, but it will be our last.

And My Family Wonders Why I Avoid Them

2010-09-25T00:20:00.004-05:00

It's rare that my family really pisses me off. I'm usually just annoyed by them. They are domestic, boring, old and stale. I can't say I'm much different but at least I'm doing what I want to do and am happy doing it.

So today I'm trying to finish off the errands that I blew off yesterday like getting car inspected and other things that cost money. My sister sent me a text,"Call mom when you can." Fuck, this can't be good. I reply,"Ugh, you know I hate talking on phone. What's she want?" "She just wants to talk." Fine. I knew something was up.

I'm half way home when my cell phone rings. "Shit, if that's mom, I'm going be pissed off." Surprise. It wasn't. That's another story.

I get home and call Mom. Just as I suspected something was up. My Mom asked me to go to her house in November to help my brother work on it. I look at my work schedule and football schedules and tell her off the bat that I can't. I have a football game to attend that weekend. She gets upset with me and tells me how my brother made time to do this for her and why can't I? I want to say I'm sorry but I don't. I say that I'm not not changing my plans.

I love my mother but I've learned a few things over the years. One is that she is a very selfish person. The world revolves around her and when her three children don't bow to her wishes she gets upset. I've seen her get angry at my sister for not raising my nephews the way my mom thinks they should. Most my relatives revere my mother...she's a saint in many relatives' eyes. To me she's mom, human faults and all.

What my mom fails to realize is I set aside eight Sundays a year for my local NFL team's home games. Eight, no more, no less. I'm flexible on the eight road games. I've bought and paid for my eight home game tickets. I plan my vacation days around those games. They are sacred, hard worked for days of bliss and enjoyment for me. Growing up, working my way through college and working my way to the point where I could afford them, I always dreamed of being an NFL season ticket holder. I am now. I don't give that up lightly.

My mother gets upset and tells me my brother, who is retired, makes time for her so why can't I. The old guilt trip try. She knows the last time that worked on me was 1998. Again I don't apologize. If she could see me over the phone she'd see me shrug my shoulders.

Here's what gets me. With a retired brother and mother who the world revolves around, they can do whatever the fuck they want when ever they want. I, on the other hand, have such trivial things like a job, dates, friends and taking care of things a working single man has to.

After the whole conversation with my mother, I sent my sister a text,"Thanks for the ambush. Was mom upset?" Not a peep. Not a reply. So now I'm pissed at three people. My mom for assume I'd drop everything for her. My brother for just making plans and not trying to coordinate with me when I can go help him at mom's house. Now my sister for ambushing me to call mom and then not having the guts to reply to me when I ask her a question. My sister set me up and she new it. Very chicken shit of her.

So it's just another reason why I don't visit, call or give a fuck...I do what I want do whenever I want...

Oh The Misery!

2010-09-23T22:40:00.002-05:00

The misery is the cry my buddy who tailgates with me at college games. The highlight of his year is our University's home games. At our tailgates, I should say my tailgate since I set up and take down everything, he claims his joy of tailgating while bemoaning the fact he is married with kids. The more he drinks, the more his constant bitching increases.

It's pathetic and sad. He's the one that wanted to get married. He wanted to have kids. He did what I think most people do who really don't have a clue in what they want. He conformed to society's so called norms. His exact path has been right out of a social studies book: graduate college, go to law school, marry, have kids. Now he's perfectly miserable. And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high? It's because people shouldn't be married in the first place.

I'm single and perfectly fucking happy. Growing up I thought it was what everybody should do. I went and graduated from college and I figured I'd get married shortly afterward. Then have kids, visits to my parents on weekends and blah blah blah.

I didn't and I'm glad. Around the age of 26 or so I figured out I don't want kids either. So really what's the point to getting married?

Don't get me wrong. I still want someone in my life. I've been in love before (Violet and Rebecca) and I'm sure I will again one day. I may even marry. I don't want to be alone forever. However, if I do end up alone then so be it.

Novus ordo seclorum
JP to the 3

Summer of Pope is Over but It's Football Season

2010-09-22T05:05:00.003-05:00

I had a fun summer. A few weekends out of town. A few weekends of vegging out. Now it's football season.

I have a lot of info to update on family wise. My cousin found her brother who we haven't seen since 1999. I also discovered a whole branch of the family we didn't know existed.

Of course I have the mundane of my life too.

Details, as much as I can reveal anyway, coming in the next few days.

Full Disclosure

2010-08-12T21:49:00.002-05:00

Over a month since my last post. Nothing significant has happened since my nephew's wedding.

I went on another overtime streak and then decided to embark on a series of mini-vacations.

I'm finally taking steps toward home ownership. I went buy the credit union where I have my savings. I talked to the mortgage officer and she told me what I needed to do plus all the documents I need to gather. She also recommended I try a bank with an FHA since the credit union wasn't in the program yet. They will but are in the process and won't in the program in time for me. I thought that was very nice that she pointed me in that direction.

My mini-vacations were nice and restful. I went to my former hometown to visit my family but mostly it was a friend's visit. I saw my best friend as always. I then renewed a friendship with a dear old high school friend. I got to me her family. Her daughter is the cutest little girl and so friendly. Her husband is one cool cat...hey anyone who appreciates Art Bell is okay in my book.

My and by bestest friend EVAR (I like using that for some reason) went out to the river fishing. I spent the better part of the afternoon chasing a gar with a live perch. Gar at the minnows I threw him but no luck on my hook.

I went the next weekend to Austin. It was so relaxing. Friday night I went out to 6th Street and drank beer and looked at pretty girls. The bartender at the place I settled in was cute and friendly. She knew how to work me. I had a good time chilling and talking with her.

As the place got crowded and I got squeezed out, I went across the street to a near empty sports bar. I met a group of people there who invited me to go out to the river and stay the rest of the weekend with them. Being highly buzzed, I agreed and gave them my number. When they called the next morning I didn't answer. I wasn't about to go out with a bunch of strangers to the river. God knows what they were into or up to.

I got my car back and painted. She's pretty. She's sexy. I'm no longer embarrassed by her. The guy who did the job did an outstanding job. I showed it to a friend after we had dinner tonight. He took one look and said,"Damn. It looks brand new." His kid nephew took a look and asked,"Pope is that your car." Yup. "Damn."

I spent last weekend, the last of my mini-vacations, with Rebecca. Yes that Rebecca. The one I had a relationship that ended in disaster. And we had a good time. We went to dinner and then hit up a strip club for old time's sake.

While at dinner we started talking about past relationships. Actually she did. I brought her up to date with Lonely Girl and how she tried to blackmail me emotionally. Like my two other female friends that I turned to for advice, Rebecca said I handled the situation masterfully. Like on coworker said, Lonely Girl could get crazier and make false accusations and Rebecca stated the same thing. Not that I need her approval but it was reassuring that I made the right moves.

Rebecca then asked me about Violet. I said she's gone with the wind. I haven't heard from her and it won't bother me if I never hear from her again. How long she asked? Over a year. No way...yes way. That's the way she is. She disappears and then reappears. But I told her don't think she's coming back this time. Violet knows she scorched the last haven for her.

We talked a little bit about Sophia too. I said I think she found a boyfriend cause she doesn't call me anymore and last time I talked to her was on New Years. She said that's usually what happens when women don't return calls anymore.

The next part of the conversation floored me. I've told her about my ex-girlfriend from Colombia. I know I have because that was the woman I was with when I first met Rebecca. She denied ever knowing about the ex-girlfriend and insisted that Violet was the only one I talked about. I said no I've told you. I think it's selective memory.

We talked while she drank some after dinner wine. I spent time nodding my head while looking for my ex's Facebook page. No luck but I found her husband. All references to her were removed from his Facebook. Very curious. I found a photo of her online and showed it to Rebecca. I said she used to be pretty but didn't age well. Rebecca disagreed and said she wasn't bad looking. Whatever.

We went down the street to a little bar she likes. Her daughter took the car to be hang with friends and I agreed to take Rebecca home. After a while at the bar, she told me if I wanted to drink she would call her daughter to pick us up and I could spend the night with her. I said okay. She reiterated that under no circumstance will she allow me to drive once I have my first sip of beer. I agreed.

We called her daughter to take us to the strip club and she did. We had a good time. A few times she leaned over and kissed me. As she drank more she got hornier and the tongue started slipping into my mouth. That's when she said we need to hook up for the night. I said it's her call. Her daughter dropped us off at home and she left with her friends.

The next morning her daughter picked me up and drove me back to my car. It was a weird feeling driving around in a car with three teen girls who know I spent the night with one of their mothers. Gina, the daughter, just asked me if her mom was up. I said no she's still asleep.

I called Rebecca later in the day but I imagine she was quiet hung over. She didn't even stir when I left.

The night was fun but it also reminded me of why we aren't together anymore. Even though I drank that night I didn't get fucked up. In fact I barely had a buzz. With the way she still drinks I know I can't be like that anymore.

Well that is it from the Pope for now. Gonna hit the rack and catch some well deserved sleep.

Good night.

And Now Back to The Show

2010-07-05T23:54:00.004-05:00

I took two weeks off to chill after my prolonged bout of working overtime for the month of May. My schedule fluctuates so much I can barely keep track of it and none of my friends or relative can't. I'm finally back at my regular job after spending the first five months on various assignments.

So what did I do on my vacation? Read, slept, swam, fished, worked out, masturbated, watch porn, watch porn while masturbating and played guitar. And I worked in an out of town wedding and a trip to the strip club. Fun Fun Fun and all from my Papal abode.

Silly me thinking by wrapping up my stuff at work and going to regular job I'd have free time to pursue other outside interests.

On my last day off I decided to do some digging on my great grandmother's family tree. In interests of the Pope's anonymity, I can't get into deep details. After my great granny married my great grand pappy her family cut her off...completely disowned her. So that branch of the family remained a mystery over the time. Oh a whim, I went to the local genealogy library, took a list of known family members from where my grandmother grew up and hit the records. I can proudly say I uncovered a wealth of information in only two hours of research and I have many leads to run down. I've got a name to three of my great grandmother's grandparents. I know the names of two great great great grandfathers and one great great great grandmother dating to the 1820s and if it's quiet possible that one of the great great great grandfathers was born in 1780s or 1790s. I've followed that branch of the family name up to South Carolina but I'm almost positive that's not my ancestors. This week I'm going to try to look at some census records from the 1850s of the county my great great grandfather was born.

My buddy who is painting my car called today and said she will be ready this week. I'm so excited. She's looking sleek and sexy again. He said I'm going to freak out on the mint condition my baby is in now....I can't wait!

Well, the Pope is off to bed. Got dentist appointment and World Cup semifinals to watch tomorrow and maybe out to the library to look at census records.

My relaxing week went to pot as I picked up two shifts of overtime after say I'd slow down.

Until next time, good night from your ever loving Pope.

USA vs Algeria at the Pub

2010-06-27T00:01:00.002-05:00

Okay, so sober Pope over did it at the pub and drank several beers during the game and several more later. Basically I got shit faced. I have no clue how I got home. Only thing I'm sure of was I didn't drive. I took a cab to the pub, had fun, walked to another bar and had more fun. The second bar is on the rail line so that's how I got home. I jumped on the rail and rode it home. The stop is only a few blocks over from my palace.

Okay here is a bit of analysis of the binge. An alcoholic may look to justify the drinking. I work hard so I need to relax. I can't say that's me. I went out to watch a game, knew before hand I wanted to drink and I took precautions to fulfill my promise of "NEVER EVER AGAIN GET BEHIND THE WHEEL AFTER DRINKING." It's nothing but bad news. Little cab or rail rides will do me fine. It's safe and spares me a traumatic legal expense.

The second part is not to make this a habit again. I cannot go out every weekend to drink and get wasted. I got pretty at the pub watching the game. I don't want that to be a habit or common occurrence.

Also I need to time them for unannounced periodic tests. I'm now part of a much larger testing pool so I shouldn't get called very often. My odds of testing have dropped dramatically. Depending on the type of test they are doing will be my window to drink. They use breath and piss test. On one occasion I was told that the urine was not tested for alcohol. The medical staff only tests breath for alcohol and if it was positive they drew blood for confirmation. A second nurse told me urine was tested for alcohol. I doubt it is if they do a breath with a blood confirmation test. Either way they are testing for BAC and not the metabolites. If they test for metabolites in the urine then the window is about 80 hours before the markers are out of your body. I don't plane confirming either method. I'm not subject to randoms on night shifts so drinking on the off days before a set of nights is safe.

Also I want figure out the frequency for testing the larger pool. In the intense pool, I got popped an average of once a month. I could go long periods without test like once from the week of Thanksgiving until my next test in mid February. Last month in May I got popped three times. The nurse said it won't be so intense. Maybe once every few months but since it is a random program you really can't be to safe. So I'm going to record the dates I get tested for the rest of the year to see how often it averages.

No, I won't go out partying every weekend. I'd like to pop back a cold one once in a while at home. If I go out to a bar or pub, I'll use cabs. Never again will I get behind the wheel. Stakes are to high.

Vacation Weekend

2010-06-21T00:54:00.002-05:00

I did nothing but watch World Cup matches and drank a few beers. Yes, the sober Pope, downed a few beers on vacation. I'm thinking what the hell. I don't drink often if ever. So I figured I'll put down a few. I'm not going out drinking and driving. I bought six pack to drink while practicing guitar and other projects I'm doing at home. My days of going out and getting drunk are over.

Tomorrow I'm going out to a local pond and see if I can haul in some catfish. I have two more weeks to go on vacation. Nothing major but a wedding out of town next weekend. I rented a high end suite at a five star hotel for the event. I'm not happy to go to the wedding but may as well lessen the misery with nice accommodations.

I see a run out the beach on Tuesday and Wednesday a trip to the local pub to watch USA vs Algeria and England vs. Slovenia for World Cup play to decide who goes through to the next round.

Good night.

A Break

2010-06-18T03:12:00.002-05:00

Finally some prolonged well deserved down time. I've been working my ass off since February with Union business and then my temp assignment on a special project. On the temp assignment I busted my ass working overtime. Paid off sweetly.

The overtime is going into one pot for the house down payment. Even my lease isn't up until fall, I plan on start looking at houses, condos and maybe a place outside of Houston. My first choice is a house with a yard. I need the space for my junk. What I mean by junk is I want a home office/studio. I figure a three bedroom house would fit my needs. Obviously the master bedroom for me, a guestroom and the third form my office/studio. Or ideal three bedrooms with a study. As for the studio and why I'm leaning to a house is I want to be able to play my music, guitar and TV loud. If I go the condo/townhouse route then loud guitar playing isn't allowed. I don't like plugging headphones into my amp.

I finally, after one year, turned my car over to my friend that does body work and painting. Her engine is finally restored and running like a colon on Exlax. Now it's time to fix her up and have her looking sexy again. Brand new high end gloss black paint job with new dashboard cover to hide the sunburned cracks. I really look forward to have her ready to go.

As for my break, I was supposed to start my vacation next week. Yesterday I saw we had extra people on schedule for the rest of this shift. So I walked into my supervisor's office and asked for the rest of this week off. I'm off for a total of two weeks. This first week I think I'm just going to pitter around the apartment, clean up some. Also probably head out to a lake or river for some morning or afternoon fishing. Maybe hit Galveston seawall for a good bike ride. I'm also going to get more exercise at the gym. Also a few days out at the pool reading and getting some sun.

Then next weekend I have a wedding out of town that I really don't want to attend. However it's family and I will be fulfilling the one obligatory function I attend once a year.

I called that girl Rebecca's ex-husband introduced me to. Haven't heard back from her so whatever.

I have a bunch of little projects at home I want to work on too but hobby stuff not chore stuff. So I think I'm headed to a nice relaxing two weeks.

The Set Up

2010-06-07T18:20:00.002-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, Rebecca told me a her ex-husband wanted me to meet a woman. This woman is looking for a relationship and Rebecca recommended me. I know, I know. My ex-girlfriend's ex-husband trying to set me up doesn't sound kosher. Of course I said,"What the hell? I'll meet her."

I hadn't heard anything since. My work schedule eased up and I had a four day weekend. So I called Rebecca to see if she wanted to go out. Mid conversation she said,"Oh you have the weekend off? Good, let me find out if my ex-husband can set you up to meet the woman."

"Uh, okay." Whatever. Doesn't hurt to meet her.

So I met the ex-husband and the woman yesterday at a coffee place. Rebecca said the woman was pretty good looking girl. She wasn't kidding. The woman is stunning. Tall, leggy red head with a killer body. I thinking she's way out of my league.

Now here's the deal. This girl is way to young for me and is still in the party stage. She just turned 21. I'm old enough to be her father. I'm 20 years older than her. That can't be a good thing. I'm 41, I don't party anymore, I don't go to clubs. This girl does. My social life revolves around my few friends, football and some alumni events. That's it.

We had a nice little conversation, exchanged numbers and I'll see where it goes. Not far I'm assuming but you never know.

More updates as the story develops...or doesn't.

The Pope Dodges A Bullet

2010-06-06T00:05:00.002-05:00

Seriously. My crazy coworker,Lonely Girl, that sent me the texts painted me into a corner. She asked me to go with her to the casino and stay the night. I said we'll figure something out when I finished up my temp assignment.

My assignment is up next week and I feared going back. Then my supervisor called me and asked if I mind changing crews. I said hell no. When do I change? As soon as the temp assignment is up. All right! Let me change my vacation days and I'll show up on the new shift.

I sent a text to a another coworker and told her all that transpired. She said, Oh boy other Lonely Girl is going to be upset. Yeah well, she'll have to deal with it.

I talked to another coworker and she said I made the right move. She said Lonely Girl is probably out of her mind and dangerous. She thinks Lonely Girl would probably get possessive, imagine a relationship that didn't exist or go crying to HR with false accusations if rebuffed.

I didn't think twice about the move. I did it out of a sense of self preservation. I really don't feel to sorry for Lonely Girl. She created her own mess and chaos at home. I told her how to get out of it but she didn't listen. She's using a weak excuse to stay at home when things are beyond repair according to her. There are ways to fix those things. She won't. I want no part of it.

Layter!

No Rest for the Wicked

2010-06-01T14:52:00.002-05:00

Burning the Candle

I looked at my calendar and realized that I only had four days off in the month of May. I basically worked the entire month. No wonder I'm so tired. I need to slow it down. My temp assignment is drawing to and end soon. Then I go back to my regular job...which I'm not looking forward to. I'd rather stay where I'm at.

At least I've got some vacation time in June and July. I need it. I still don't know what I'm going to do but I'm leaning heavily toward Vegas.

Disturbing Texts

Last night I received a disturbing text from a coworker. She broke up with her boyfriend. It's a really weird situation she created for herself. Basically she doesn't have the balls to throw him out. She claims that she can't afford the house without him and he won't sign off on a sell so she has to stay with him. I told her in Texas she's already in a common law marriage. I told her to go see a divorce lawyer and start divorce proceedings. She won't.

She's my friend but I purposely keep my distance. She's chaos, a drama queen and loves misery. I figure such a friendship would be draining on me. I don't have time for that.

So she texts me to come hang out with her to cheer her up. I can't because I'm working. She then asked me to call in sick this week and go hang with her. I told her no cause I may need those sick day when I'm actually sick. She then told me that she's going to just pop pills and sleep the rest of her time off. She said a few more things. I told her if she's looking for sympathy I'm not sympathetic to her situation.

I don't feel sorry for her. I don't want her moods to bring me down. She needs to get her shit together and move on from this relationship. She needs to learn to have friends and not wear them down. She created her own mess and she needs to clean it up.

Once I get back to my regular job, where she works, I'm going to have to be on pins and needles with her. I also don't want her to mistake my friendship and anything more. Let's face it, she disgusts me on several levels. Physically she won't take care of herself. She binge eats when she's depressed. Mentally she's off her rocker sometimes. We all are. Unlike others, she knows it but she won't take action about it. I gave her the number to my shrink several months ago. I don't think she's been. She thrives on chaos at work and home. I can't deal with that drama.

I hope she can get her shit together. Unfortunately for her but fortunately for me, I won't put up with it. It's going to reach a point where I'm going to say grow up, grow a set and straighten your shit cause I can't, I won't and I will not be your friend under these circumstances.

Reflections - The Endings Are Beginnings

2010-05-21T00:02:00.003-05:00

When I started this blog I figured it would eventually have an ending. A happy ending. At least an ending that would bring closure and allow me to open a new era in my life. Maybe I'd end this blog and start a new one to begin a new book in my life. Not a new chapter but a new book. A new beginning. A new era.

Unfortunately I haven't started that new book. At least not yet. I'm still writing the chapters to this one. I've closed out a lot of things in my life and put so much behind me. I've moved on and moved forward which is a big step.

I thought the last line ever entered in this blog would be: "And the Pope and Sophia live happily ever after."

For whatever reason it didn't end that way. Sophia, like Rebecca, Violet and the Colombian ex, she's gone. Only God, or whoever is in charge, knows why. I'm disappointed things didn't work out or go as planned. Of course I was a little hurt too but things never got to deep with her. I liked her and cared, still care a bit, about her. Such is life.

So I've put the Sophia chapter of my life to rest. She joins those other women on the scrap heap.

What's next? I don't know.

Besides Sophia I closed out one other chapter. I'm completed the two year recovery program my job put me on after my DWI. It was stupid and they came down harder on me than the law. Like I did with probation, I did what I had to in order to keep my life intact. The program was mandatory and I had to comply or get fired. Probation required me to take a six week class, attend AA twice a week and don't drive for a year. Work required me to see a counselor, attend AA, take intensive randoms, complete abstinence and also see a therapist for depression. I survived both.

I'm still subject to random piss tests at work. According to the nurse my name goes into a bigger pool of names for the next three years. She said those names are called very infrequent. I averaged one test a month although sometimes it would be two or three in a month. Other times I'd go a while without one. The longest I went without my name called was three months. This month they've nailed me three times. It's truly random.

So that's where I'm at today. Closure and endings bringing on new beginnings.

I stated when I started writing that this was my little melodrama. It still is until the day I end it. With every melodrama comes a back story. With nothing going on in my life it might be time to tell mine.

Until next time,
The Pope

Just As I Feared

2010-05-12T20:16:00.004-05:00

Will's father passed away over the weekend. I knew it was only a matter of time but still I was saddened by the news.

Will's dad always remembered by as Will's drunk friend. Long story short, it goes back to a party at Will's sisters house where I just sat quietly drinking beer. I never got wasted or loud. I just sat there drinking beer and bullshitting with Will's dad. He thought it was fun and we had a good old time. According to Will, his dad never forgot that day. His dad was always asking about The Pope, The Drunk Guy.

In retrospect it's funnier now. Right around my legal woes and depression, Will's father asked how I was doing. Will didn't tell him anything about my DWI.

He just said,"Dad he doesn't drink anymore."

"Aaah, like your drunk little cousin, they caught him drinking and driving? Didn't they?"

In a dark moment, despite my depression and situation, Will's dad's simple question and inquiry made me laugh. Despite my situation, I appreciated the thought, the understanding and the humor which he showed the situation.

One more story in remembrance of Will's old man. I wasn't in the car that day but he picked up Will and a bunch of our friends up after school. We were in middle school at the time and the guys had gotten a hold of a Playboy or Penthouse. They were in the backseat looking at it and laughing. Finally after a while, Will's dad just stopped and said,"I don't know what you have back there but there is a lot of giggling going on. Whatever it is it better have tits!"

So long sir. You left an imprint on my life through your humor and understanding of me. Also you brought a true friend into my life through your son Will. Will is a living testimony to your hard work and way of life. Me and Will grew up on the same street and went to school from elementary all the way to the University. In my darkest hour, he was one of the people who came through for me in a huge way.

Rest in peace. I'm praying for strength and comfort for your family. I know all your children and be proud you raised them well.

God Bless,
The Pope

And Now the Friends

2010-05-07T23:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday's post was my life.

So what's going on around me? A lot.

Binks, my bestest friend EVAR, disappeared on me for a while. He basically got railroaded at work. They tried to terminate him for nothing. Since they didn't have crap on him they made his life miserable in hopes of him quitting. He's stronger and better than that. So they demoted him and moved him to a remote school. Reducing his pay was the final straw. He works a second job. He talked to them and they agreed to hire him full time and raise his pay. He resigned his old job and then I lost track of him. While he gets back on his feet from the change of jobs, he turned off his phones and internet. The other night he sent me a text to call him at his job. He's okay and will get his stuff together soon. Then we plan on hitting the lake for a week of fishing in July.

A couple of weekends ago another friend sent me an IM through Facebook. I see him online all the time but he never IMs. I could tell he was down. He asked how my drunk ass was doing. I said fine. I didn't correct him and fill him in about my bout of alcohol abuse and sobriety. He's seen me at my finest drunk and I didn't feel like explaining all that went down over the years. Anyway, we chatted a while and I promised to go visit him once things get settled down at work. I have plenty of friends in Austin that I want to see. I'm gonna make it a rocking weekend this summer.

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo, me and my friend Will, both of us are barrio Mexicans from San Antonio, went out to eat Mediterranean food. Go figure. We laughed our asses off about it. His father has been sick for a while. I asked how his dad was doing. Not good. His sister had called and their father took a turn for the worst. Surgery is no longer an option since he probably won't survive it. Will told me it was only a matter of time. They are all gathering this weekend to see him.

Another friend's father, Swami as I call him, also has been sick over the years. How the old man is still alive is beyond me. He's a tough old bird and hangs in there. As sick as he is, they opted to do bypass surgery on him this week. I was honestly scared to death for him and the family. His father pulled through. Like Will's dad, I didn't think Swami's dad was strong enough for surgery. He did and I'm grateful for them. Still I believe it's a matter of time.

I pray for all my friends. I have other friends fighting depression, alcohol abuse and other problems. I'm grateful for how far I've come. My journey to happiness took 41 years. Along they way I learned that only I can give myself true happiness and contentment. Not God, not family, not friends and not the job can give me that. They can support me in all kinds of ways but until I learned to come to grips with my alcoholism and depression, nobody else could change me.

That's where me and my friends are in life right now. Not all are struggling with issues but there isn't much to write about those who don't. In fact, I plan on spending some down time in a couple of weeks with a couple of my more stable friends. That's just how live rolls...take care.

The Wonderfully Holistic Holy Pope Ivan Paulus III

Busy But Happy

2010-05-06T23:08:00.004-05:00

I've been busy as anyone can imagine since February but I'm not complaining.

I had a two month project at work that was very stressful, tedious, frustrating and at times scary. Despite the negative, it was also a very good experience, interesting and in the end I benefited greatly from it. The scariest part was about a thousand people's lively hoods, including my own, were in the hands of about 20 people. I work in a Union site and was involved in negotiating a new deal for my Union. In the end, we struck a fair deal and I can sleep at night knowing we didn't get screwed. In this economy, that is a big accomplishment. And three years from now, I will do this again.

I planned on taking some time off from work once the deal was official. That idea lasted about two days after my return. I was called into a supervisors office and asked if I would be willing to take a temp assignment for a month. Another department was shorthanded and they needed extra people. First question out of my mouth, can I work overtime? The Big Boss Lady said sure. Work all you can get. I then put my union rep hat on and started asking questions on the selection process to make sure it was done fair. Three others are going with me.

I don't live and die on overtime. It's nice to have and definitely inflates my income by a princely sum. Sadly, some of my coworkers need the overtime. They really get in a bind if they don't have it. I don't feel sorry for them. Without overtime, we make a very good wage. So many get in hock buying big houses on big lots, deer leases, big boats and so on. They want to live the high life but get so in debt they can no longer live on our base salary.

I have one friend who can't pay his regular bills without overtime. Thank God I don't live like that. He can't pay the mortgage and car note without the extra money. I find that unreal. While he went two months without overtime, he had to borrow one month worth of mortgage and car payments to tide him over. Yet this same person spent a month in the Bahamas and then after complaining about no overtime, ran of on a shopping spree for a weekend. Sorry but no sympathy from me.

Me, on the other hand, use the overtime to pay for my fun stuff and to keep out of debt. If there is no overtime and there is something I want, I might dig into my savings account but eventually I'll pay it back. For instance, I've been wanting a new guitar lately. At first it was going to be my Christmas gift. Then I got started on other things. Finally, my birthday rolled around in March and I was getting no overtime. I decided that I've been working hard for six weeks. I needed something to help me unwind besides strippers. One an off day, I went down to the music store and bought a scary looking one. And I love it.

Any vacation I plan will be paid with by overtime. Right now I'm waiting for a couple of loans I took against my 401(k) to come off. I took one to help me pay my legal expenses. When they come off, that's $600 a month back on my pay check.

I'm busting up the overtime right now though. It's one of two reasons I took on the temp assignment. The other reason is to do different things and change the monotony of my real job. 26 hours overtime and 12 hours double time last check. If things stay on target, it's 38.5 overtime hours this next up coming check. Baby, I've already written a check to drop off at the credit union in the morning where I keep my savings account. I keep the savings and checking accounts in separate institutions on purpose. I found it was to easy to transfer money from savings to checking in the same bank.

My social life has been no existent. During the negotiations, I was going to lunch with my fellow negotiators. A couple of times we went to dinner. That part of it was fun.

Then since I was working in Rebecca's neighborhood, I saw her a few times. Then my buddy Will and I hit the dinner circuit occasionally. I've really had more than two consecutive days off this year so I pretty much turn into a homebody. I'd rather just stay home and rest.

This week I broke the routine. I didn't go out with Rebecca when she called. Hell she was just checking up on me since I've been a rare site. But me and Will went out to celebrate Cinco de Mayo last night. Today I had union business so before I did that, I picked up my cousin and we went to an early dinner. Earlier in the day, I did a solid work out and then spent the afternoon at the pool. While if feel tired, I don't feel worn down.

Tomorrow I'll fill in the lives that are my friends.

Good Night,
Your Ever Loving Jewish Pope JP3

Updates

2010-04-11T19:54:00.003-05:00

Hello Friends,
All one of you that is. I've been very busy with work. Then I get home and want to do of several things:

Sleep
Watch TV
Eat
Masturbate
Sleep after masturbating
Play my guitar (no that's not euphemism for masturbating)

My Update

I'm a project at work that's taking longer than I thought. I blocked out March 1 to April 15th for this crap. I anticipated it would be done in a month but the deadline was the 15th. Guess what? I think we are going to go past the deadline.

When all is said and done, I'm taking me a two week vacation. One of several destinations come to mind. Vegas is the leading contender right now. Second is a fishing trip to my undisclosed location. Third is a cruise with Rebecca.

All I know is I need some fucking down time and soon.

I bought myself a new guitar for my birthday. I had a cheap model I bought last year because I didn't know if I was going to make time to practice and play. I made more than enough time for it and rewarded myself with a kick ass heavy metal guitar. She is sweet. She is my new love. On the cheap guitar, playing the strings was like playing on barbed wire. On my new one, the strings are like butter. I love her. No name for her yet.

.....the Friends

I went and saw my friend Swami last week. I hadn't seen him since before my unfortunate run in with the law three years ago. He looks great and happy as far he can. His dad is very sick. I'm surprised the old man is still alive. I thought he was done four years ago when his organs began shutting down. The tough old bird pulled through. Now he is facing bypass surgery. I'm kind of surprised the doctors are offering the surgery. His health is so poor that I'm not sure he would survive it. I just continue to pray and hope the best works out for them.

My best friend Binks finally had it with his main job. Over the summer and then Christmas break they tried to railroad him. First they tried making the job so unbearable to force him to quit. He didn't so they started building a case to fire him for job performance. Only problem with that is he's never late and does his work. They never could build a solid case for termination even though they made up all kinds of crap. Finally they ended up demoting him and moving him to a less desirable location. He talked to his boss at the second job. I'm not sure if they offered him a raise but I think they did guarantee forty hours a week. He took the job full time and told his old one to stick it. Only problem is the new job doesn't have benefits. He has two kids that he has to provide insurance because he is divorced. One of them turns 18 next year and the other in a couple of years so he'll be done with child support and insurance soon. It's about time. His ex-wife is a useless as tits on a bull.

Well that's it for now. I'm sure there's more but what the hell. The love life still is dead.

~~Violet~~ ~~Rebecca~~ ~~Sophia~~ is all I have left for now.

Good night,
The Pontiff Maximus

Busting Out?

2010-03-25T21:49:00.003-05:00

I've decided to break out of my little cocoon I've created for myself. I've pretty much been sheltering myself at home. From what I don't know. It can't be the temptations of drinking. I can do that as simple as walking down to the corner store and buying a twelve pack.

Maybe it's pure laziness. Unlike most people, I'm very comfortable alone. Sure I need social interaction but at a minimum. Also I want to get laid as bad as the next person. Still I am the homebody. I can entertain myself for hours on the computer, reading, watching TV and movies and playing my guitar. I venture out with Rebecca occasionally and my buddy Will. I guess that's all I need.

So what steps am I taking to break out? One is I decided to get more involved with the Alumni group of the University I graduated from. I always attend the football games. Sometimes alone and sometimes with a buddy I tailgate with. Just recently I decided to go to an alumni watch party for the NCAA tournament selection show. My University already had a ticket and it was just a matter of who they were going to play. I had ice tea and crawfish and sat with some moneyed alumni. I'm not a person that needs to rub elbows with big shots but it was interesting sitting with some of the movers and shakers of the school.

Then I decided to join a Mardi Gras Krewe in New Orleans. One of the alumni I've met is a float captain and as such he can extend invitations for people to join the Krewe. I met up with him and a couple of others he invited at a pub. I got to meet his wife too. She was very sweet and talkative. She's encouraging me to not only do the Krewe thing but also attend more Alumni functions. She told me it's a great way to meet women. Single men can meet successful women who have a common connection to the University. She told me about one single guy who goes to their tailgate parties. He never lacked for anything to do. He always had dates. I take it he had no local family cause she told me he always had a place to go on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years due to the women he met.

See how that and the Krewe goes for me.

Misery With Rebecca

2010-03-08T22:04:00.003-06:00

Saturday I was living my bachelor George Costanza life sitting around my place in my underwear minus the cheese.

So I'm enjoying my down time when Rebecca calls. She was out having drinks and asked me to join her. I hemmed and hawed about it. Finally I said yes. What the hell else was I going to do?

It takes me about 45 minutes to get there. I'm in a pretty good mood. We start talking and bullshitting like the good friends were are. I sighed internally cause she was looking damn hot and just knowing that we used to be together for four years brought a flood of memories back. Don't get me wrong, I'd never go back with her. Also I don't normally get all melancholy when I hang out with her. For some reason that night I did.

Somewhere during the course of the conversation it hit me. What we talked about was all about her. She doesn't ask me how work is going, what's happening with my life or even about my mom (who she usually asks about). As we are talking I start replaying some of our recent conversations in my head. It's when I realized that either she has no interest in what really is going on with me or she's just turned into a self centered brat. She talked endlessly about herself, her daughter, her store and our dinner and her drinks. I tried to change the subject but couldn't. Oh well, I just went with it. Why bang my head against the wall.

I take back some of what I wrote about her being completely self centered. We had a conversation about how I was doing with my sobriety. She tells me how wonderful it is for me and how much she thinks about me taking the steps needed to get my life together. She leaned over and kissed me several times when we talked about it.

After dinner she tells me she's going down to the boardwalk and to one of her favorite haunts and asked me to go. I went but about 30 minutes or so I had enough. She was drunk and dancing solo on the floor looking like a fool. I decided that a trip to the strip joint was in order. If she was going to act the fool at least let's doing it in a more appropriate environment.

So we went. And it was miserable. Things started off well. She was happy and tipping the dancers. The more Rebecca drank the more snippy she got with people. I could tell by the look on her face she wasn't having a good time anymore. She wanted to go to another strip club but I told her no. She kept on pounding her drinks. Then she announced she was ready to go home. I was relieved to get out of there. I should have gone by myself.

Earlier in the evening she told me an acquaintance of ours stopped by her store and told her something. Rebecca didn't tell me what this woman told her and I'm not sure I wanted to know. On the drive home, Rebecca started rambling about her daughter, making a will and then about what the acquaintance told her. As drunk as she was, I couldn't get it out of her what was said. All I could tell is that it was something that really bothered her.

Sunday I thought about calling her but decided to let her stew in her misery and hangover.

I called her today but she didn't pick up. I'm not surprised. She hardly ever picks up her phone.

In the past, like the way Violet's moods used to affect me, Rebecca's misery and foul mood would have brought me down. Not anymore. I love her as a friend but I'm no longer in love with her. She'll always be one of my dearest friends. She's stood by me through thick and thin but she no longer brings me down and I won't fall with her either.

She's a train wreck right now. Her drinking is out of control. She admitted as much to me but she also doesn't want to alter her habit. I can't do anything for her but be there for when, if, she's ready. I pray she doesn't go down the path I went but she's headed that way. I know. I've been down that road to many times.

Dreaming and Singing

2010-02-23T15:10:00.002-06:00

The other night I dreamed about a fish. It was a delicious fish. Don't know if I caught or bought it. I don't know if it was baked, grilled or fried. I just know it was a very good fish.

Last night at work I kept singing pirate songs. "What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor" was my favorite. It surprised me that I knew two verses. "Avast ye' Scurvy Skunks". I made that one up.

Good evening.

Mental Holiday

2010-02-17T01:11:00.002-06:00

I decided I was having a minor mental breakdown at work. Not really. I was just tired of the place. One of the advantages of being a ten year plus veteran is the amount of vacation I get. Add to that a my regular schedule of four days off and I can take five days off with only burning one day vacation. Not a bad deal at all.

A few things were wearing me down. I changed supervisors. Again. In normal circumstances I could careless. I'm not in normal circumstances. As I've explained before, I'm in the company drug and alcohol recovery program. I've done all the bullshit and hoops they want me to. Now it's a matter of just randomly pissing in a cup. No problem. I did two years probation without failing and now almost another two years (some of the time of work and probation overlap) of not failing at work.

Changing supervisors becomes a problem for me because it's more people that get pulled into the circle of confidentiality. I'm sure people, besides the ones that I told, know but no one ever says anything about it to me and I like that. But for my mental well being the less supervisors that know the better off I am.

So when I found out I could be changing supervisors for the fourth time in under a year I flipped out. I had to calm myself down over the weekend. Sunday I determined that I'd talk to my current supervisor and say hey man this shit is getting ridiculous. So Monday morning I talked with him and let it known how I felt about possibly switching again this summer. He listened and told me that he would mention it to the big boss woman. He definitely understood where I was coming from. I thanked him for his time and understanding. I trust him to not say anything to anyone other than his boss and hopefully get his my concerns taken care of.

So in my minivacation, I plan on a few things done and spend some down time reading, watching movies, DVR shows, the dog track and maybe a day of fishing.

Other than that I'm gearing up for my next adventure...the contract negotiations with my employer.

I think the up coming negotiations also made me decide to take some down time.

After that wraps up, I'll probably take a prolonged vacation and then start my house hunting adventures.

Adventures...I laugh myself off at that.

Good night.

The Pope

General Nothings - My Therapy

2010-02-11T00:06:00.002-06:00

Really I want to post more often this year. Already I haven't posted anything from the middle of January.

So where to start?

Something that's a new low for me. I've twice sexed up this woman. But there's a small catch. I don't know her name. My plan is to let her call and hopefully she leaves a message with name to call her back. It's a George Costanza scheme of mine.

Sophia has definitely flaked out on me. Oh well.

I'm still pretty much a shut in. I've been out only a few times since new years.

My best friend's jobs are in turmoil. He works two jobs but he got railroaded at his day job. They demoted him and put him in evening hours. Which sucks because his other job is in evenings. So now he has to make a choice. I think the only reason he takes the demotion is cause of the health insurance for his kids. The second job doesn't offer anything like that.

Dr. Destructo, me that is, decided building my own computer isn't such a good idea after all. I had a parts list and set to buy everything. Then I went to Fry's Electronics and saw the same thing I plan on building for the same price but less headache. I'm just going to open a box and plug it in.

My union is gearing up for negotiations with my employer. I'm on the negotiating team for the union. I'm ready for it to start but we still have somethings to do before we sit down at the bargaining table. I'll be honest that I'm excited but also anxious. I imagine high stress and long ours coming up over the next two months.

Right now I'm pretty much ready to move out of the lap of luxury and into my own castle. I love where I live. It's the nicest place I've ever lived. It's just beautiful. That said though I'm in an apartment, paying rent. It's time move on. It's time for a house of my own. I can't justify paying the amount of rent I do to live in Xanadu.

The time frame for house hunting won't take place until negotiations are over. While the chance of strike or lockout is minimal I don't want to buy a house and then have that all pending. Just do one major thing at a time and things will work out.

Ignore at Your Own Peril

2010-01-18T21:27:00.004-06:00

One thing about My Eminence The Pontiff Maximus John Paul III is you don't ignore me. When I summon you respond. If you don't, there better be a damn good explanation as to why.

Violet could have bullshitted her way out of the whole phone thing had she bothered to explain herself to me. So back in September when she didn't return my calls or texts to make her case, I cut the damn phone off. I put up with a lot of shit but ignoring me and I don't.

Sophia, welcome to Violet's world. Sophia isn't on the same footing as Violet but she's getting close. I don't know what's going through her pretty little head but I'm to old to play games or put up with nonsense. Only thing is that Sophia isn't indebted to me on any level so cutting her loose will be even easier. I'd prefer her to tell me what's going on than to ignore me as of late...but whatever. I'm over it and her.

Next, woman, please step forward.
Unfortunately I don't have anyone working in the bullpen. Hell the whole farm system is lacking. I have one waiting in the wings but I'm not sure if she's ready for the bullpen much less the Big Leagues.

The Shut In
Then again how easy is it to meet women when I've basically become a shut in since before Christmas. To be honest I enjoyed my complete withdrawal from society during the cold snap. I just stayed in watched football playoffs, cooked, read and watched movies. I also got in a little practice time with my guitar.

I was doing the same thing this weekend. I decided to try and gather some of the Family together though. Thank goodness another friend wanted to host the gathering but I would have if they insisted. I was going to get everybody to meet at the wings place down the street from me. Didn't matter. I'm glad I got out at least for one day.

The Negotiator
As Pope, my diplomatic skills are sometimes required. Rarely are they used. It must be a major issue for me to get involved.

As Pope, I've been asked to sit in as a negotiator with upcoming contract talks with the union and company I work with...not for...LOL. I crack me up.

In real life, and not my fantasy world, I've been asked by the Union to be a part of the negotiation team to hammer out a new contract. I have mixed emotions about it. I'm excited because it is an important task and I'm very interested in the process. On the other hand, I'm a bit scared and nervous. After all I'm going to be shaping an agreement that will affect my work group for at least the next three years. The last time the company and union bargained seven years ago things got ugly. Both sides spread lies, rumors and half truths. Management threatened us with lock outs and trained management to do our jobs if there was a work stoppage.

I expect the same shenanigans again this go round. Only this time around I won't be on the sidelines. I'll in the frontline trenches. It's going to be stressful and unnerving.

I'm reserving up my vacation for as long as I can. Once this whole fiasco is done with I might go on a week long bender in Vegas.

Hell I might just take Rebecca on that cruise she's been wanting. I could use the release if you know what I mean.

Never mind what I said about not having someone in the rotation. Rebecca is always a phone call away.

Swirling Thoughts

2010-01-11T21:50:00.002-06:00

I some how survived the cold snap. Actually I didn't do shit. I sat home all weekend but went to a movie on Friday afternoon.

Rebecca and I had plans to go out but I didn't call her until Sunday. I just didn't feel like going out.

Instead I pretty much cooked all weekend, read and watched TV. I didn't really need the down time since my work weeks have been short the last two weeks after my overtime marathon.

Lately I've had a lot of thing swirling through my mind. I called my therapist on Thursday looking for an appointment but she never called back. I'm going to try again tomorrow.

So what's been swirling? Nothing major. Just thinking about things in the past, the future and other minor things.

I've wondered how Violet is doing. Is she okay. Did she come back from Mexico? Did she ever go to Mexico? I doubt no matter what she's doing she's miserable. Or will be soon. She can only be happy temporarily. She needs help in the worst way. She thinks money and love will solve her issues. Sometimes I think she equates money to love. There is something twisted and not completely functioning in that woman's mind. I feel sad sometimes when I thing about her. Not cause I don't see her anymore. Sad that she's gone through life 40+ years without truly knowing happiness. When she is happy it's only fleeting. It's a very sad life she's lived.

I'm glad this last go around with her, not romantically thank goodness, that I didn't let her drag me down with her. Twice I've been down that road. Twice I let her get her hooks into me and destroy me. The years we were together she wasn't just in my heart and mind. Violet occupied my soul. She was in my blood. Even when we broke up, both times, I could never shake her bonds. I'm not sure when or where but Violet was filtered out of me. I'm almost sure it was before me and Rebecca ended up together. Once I fell in love with Rebecca I knew Violet was out of me forever. Even the female companion I had between Rebecca and Violet couldn't take her out of me. I'm just glad she's gone now.

Yeah, I had another woman between breaking up with Violet and before hooking up with Rebecca. A Colombian beauty. I don't talk much about her cause she didn't impact my life the way Violet and Rebecca did. Don't get me wrong, she left her scars on me and emotional damage but I guess not deep enough. I only spent a year with her where as it was five with Violet and four with Rebecca. I guess one year's worth of damage isn't as bad as nine with the other two.

My mind then thinks about these things and other stuff with friends. I just spins and spins and spins....

It's Colder than A Witches...

2010-01-08T15:32:00.002-06:00

...you know what.

I've holed myself up in my apartment for the weekend. Bought plenty of food, drinks and have a ton of reading material.

Worked called me to work two days overtime. I didn't even answer the phone. I'm on a four day weekend and don't feel like doing squat.

Only thing I had planned was to go to a movie. I went and saw Avatar 3D. Not bad. Not great but definitely worth the price of admission for the afternoon matinee.

I thought about killing an afternoon at the booby bar and seeing some naked women but I decided not to.

Figure with contract negotiations coming up this year I need to save my money. While I doubt the odds of a strike or lockout are small there still is the chance. I'm in a good spot financially if it comes to that. My lease is up at around the time the work stoppage could happen. I'll have enough to give my 60 notice when either the company or union give their notice of intent to lockout or strike. I'll just pack up my stuff and move in with my sister or mom until we get back to work. We have a strike fund so I can at least pay my truck note, insurance and gas. If we get locked out we get the strike fund and unemployment so I'll have my bases covered no matter what.

Well, I'm going to go get a few more vegetables to complete what I need for a beef soup. Then I'm curling up with a book while it cooks.

Sigh....Festivus is Over

2010-01-04T22:28:00.002-06:00

The Festivus Holiday season is over. It was back to work today after a nice five day break. Fortunately it's one of my short weeks as I only work three days.

Well I think things with Sophia have hit a wall. We've exchanged a few text messages over the holidays but she didn't return a couple of my calls. She's usually very good about calling back and replying to texts. Her replies were very short and not much said. Something in the back of my mind wonders if she's seeing someone or just busy over the holidays.

Binks, my best friend, thought he was going to get fired from his job. They told him to come up with options when he and his supervisor were to meet with HR. That was three weeks ago. He talked to someone in the know. They told him not to worry cause they don't have shit on him. The supervisor just wants him out and is trying to force his hand. Fortunately he has the upper hand and can call the shots. She can't fire him and he will try to leverage her hate for him into a transfer. Or he hopes the second job he has can offer a few dollars more an hour and he can quit his first job.

Rebecca is her usual self. Not much going on with her. Just trying to keep her store above water and make it through this down time in the economy.

Any references to Violet will only be in the past tense. Even though I had her phone line suspended back in October I hadn't purged it from my account. I finally got around to that I think at the beginning of December. I hadn't done it because the penalty to shut off her phone was expensive. I finally did the math and figured it was cheaper to pay the one time fee and pay less per month once I did. It was very liberating. It felt like a weight and burden lifted off my back. I believe the Chapter of Violet is closed forever in my book.

That's my mini update for now.

Night.

The Pope

Pontiff Maximus

2010-01-02T22:58:00.002-06:00

One of the gifts I have as Pope is the ability to pick up and have sex with strippers. That's right, I fuck strippers. It's not a habit I partake of often but I have a few notches on my bedpost due to strippers.

It's a mixed bag. Is it a gift or a curse? Not sure it's something to brag about but this blog is where I can sometimes reveal things I dare not reveal elsewhere.

So the latest squeeze I met a few weeks ago at one of the local haunts. It seemed a routine night for me. I was going to embark on a marathon of working overtime do I decided to let off a little steam before hand.

So she came and sat with me. I know she's hustling. It's what they do and how they make money. I know that. I harbor no illusions about what's going on. They are they to help create a fantasy and to make money. They aren't there to be a friend, lover, girlfriend or otherwise. They are there to make money. Period.

I must have some kind of charm around me sometimes. This started as a routine sit down, yeah let's go to the private area and get some dances.

It started off slow enough. Most strippers let you touch them, even though it's illegal locally, and even play with their breast and play some grab ass. In turn they may dry hump my hard rod and if she's really good she can make it feel real good. Not to the point of coming but pleasurable none the less.

So we go in the back where they have private rooms. She dances are simple enough. She rubs her ass on my crotch to wake my boy up. One she gets it working she turns around to let me see the front view. Very nice but I can tell they are fake. If not monstrous fake breast can not only look great but feel great too. Modern science has come a long way on fake tits. I reach up to cop a feel but she pushes me a way. I'm thinking this is one of the few who don't like tit touching. Fair enough. I just get a couple more dances and move to another stripper.

Then she slowly unleashed herself on me. It started with the light kiss and then she got wilder. The kisses can longer and harder. We went into full make out mode. We are open mouth kissing and some tongue action is going on. She turns to face me and gives me a mouth full of breasts.

As the night goes on she continues the dry hump dances. By this point my cock is screaming to come out and hard against my slacks. She's rubbing my dick between her ass cheeks. I tell her I need a break from her dancing. We sat a bit. The next go round she's really into it. We continue to making out While she's got her lip open with her tongue darting around in my mouth she's pumping my cock with her hand.

As it progresses, she unzips my pants partial and slides her hands into my pants. She reaches into my boxer jockeys and grips my cock. While she's kissing me she's giving me a great hand job. She's into it big time. She then leaned in for me to take her tits in my mouth and suck them. She starts to moan with fake pleasure? Remember I'm still skeptical.

She then puts her face between my legs and licks the outline of my hard on through my pants. She then put the head in her mouth and sucks on that and gives me a clothed blow job.

She stood up and pulled her thing aside to show me her pussy. At first she I thought she wanted me to take a look. She leaned over and said how wet I was making her. I slipped my finger into her pussy and she was soaked. I masturbated her for a while. Then she sat on my lap facing me letting me rub and suck her tits.

And so it went for a while. She claimed how exciting I was to work for and gave me a few dances on the house.

We exchanged numbers and decided another session is worth it.

Good night,
It's good to be the Pope

Bring in the New Year!

2010-01-01T23:23:00.003-06:00

I'll bring the New Year of 2010 with a story about...

How the One Who Almost Was Became the One Who Never Will Be

Confusing enough? You won't be after this episode of Soap.

I'll try to keep it simple but it really isn't a simple story.

I'm not even going to give this woman a name like I normally do for my real life characters in this little Pope melodrama.

Okay, if you are up to date, you know I transferred positions within my company at the end of Spring 2009. It has been quiet an adjustment. In the process I became friends with a female coworker. We hit it off really well. How well? I thought that this might have relationship potential.

Of course there was one issue. Her live in boyfriend. Plus she's got her own issues. She swore up and down that she was eventually leaving him. So I kept thinking I can wait this out a bit. We did try to spend sometime together but low and behold he'd show up either uninvited or invited at the last minute. That got old real quick.

She's got a good heart and is to nice. She took in a worthless relative because he had no options left. She's basically treating someone in his mid 20s like a teenager, paying his court costs and a whole bunch of other shit to help him clear his record to go into the military. I don't have a problem with it but for the constant bitching.

This woman isn't from the area. By some weird fluke process the company offered her a job in this plant when she applied for a job in another plant in another state. It's unheard of within my company. But it's a good job so she took it but now she has no friends and family around her.

With no relatives or friends in the area she tries extremely hard to socialize with coworkers. I understand that. I don't do it on purpose cause I keep my social life and work life separate. Violet, Rebecca or any other woman I've dated has never been to a company function or met any coworkers. That's how I am. So besides me, she befriended another fellow transferee, also a woman. They hit it off great and go out to dinner and lonely girl tries to solve her problems.

Lonely Girl, there I gave her a name, also hit it off with another woman at work. This woman asked her to help plan a party. Lonely Girl is besides herself with joy that she has friends now. At first I was happy for her but over the weeks she doesn't shut the fuck up about the planning and the party. I don't give a rat's ass. So when she announced in the lunch room that some people were extremely jealous that she was invited and they weren't, it took everything I had in me to keep from doing two thing. First, I had to keep from throwing up. Second, I had to keep from mouthing off like I normally do. I wanted to stand up and yell,"Goddamn, no one gives a fuck. No one cares. You are making everybody fucking sick with your pretentious yammering on about it. I hope it goes up in fucking flames you Goddamn lunatic." Instead I looked at my coworker sitting next to me and rolled my eyes.

So the next thing she needed was to work day shift so she could take her relative to court. Understandable. A coworker volunteered to work Lonely Girl's night shift. It created a problem so someone else also volunteered to help out and stay on the night shift. Two people had to give up their day shifts to accommodate Lonely Girl's scheduling requests. I had to give up the peace and quiet of night shift to help her out. Basically three people got moved for her benefit. So the next time we are schedule to work days, the supervisor put us on nights. It's fair. Two people had to give up their day shifts and now are getting them back next week.

Lonely Girl goes ape shit and turns into the drama queen on how she can't work so many night shifts in a row, how she'll never get to work out with her coworker, ever, if they move her and blah blah blah blah.

I kept my lid shut. She wants to file a grievance. She always wants to file a grievance. My reply, I'm the shop steward, will be, I can't take it. She practiced in individual negotiation to get what she wanted. She didn't follow protocol to change shifts so now the supervisor is rectifying the imbalance created. Had she followed proper procedure she'd have a case but the Union can't back up individual deals. Also if I take the grievance the other two coworkers will have one to file too. They got screwed out of a day shift and can file one to get it back and they have a stronger case than Lonely Girl. She hasn't asked me to file one yet and I won't but I'm betting Monday that she will.

So that's how Lonely Girl went from potential relationship material to someone who never will be and is walking a fine line with me friendship wise to because I've come to the firm belief that she is just batshit fucking crazy.

Happy New Year,
Pope John Paul III

Happy Christmas and Merry New Year!

2009-12-26T21:29:00.002-06:00

There is some stuff going on with my friends but I'm to lazy today to bring everything up to date.

Mostly working my ass off. 4 night shifts, one day off and then 7 days in a row. All are 12 hour shifts. It will be worth it though when I get m check Friday. I worked 36 hours of overtime on top of my regular schedule (granted that was what like two days?). I took the plunge and decided to work Christmas Eve and Christmas for the holiday pay and it worked out that Christmas day shift was also my automatic double time day regardless of the holiday...so I ended up banking close to triple time.

That's why I've written previously that no matter how much I can bitch about my job...it's just that...bitching. I have it made and I'm pretty much set for life. Rebecca marvels at my benefits, has an idea of my pay and just reminds me sometimes of how good I have it when I start my bitching.

Oh and I picked up a new squeeze before my working marathon. More about that in my next post.

Next week I head out of town to see my brother, attend my University's bowl game and bring in the New Year at Dallas area strip club....or with Rebecca. We'll see.

And the Depression Broke. Sophia Update

2009-12-06T22:50:00.004-06:00

Like a Fart Breaking in the Wind, My Depression Disappeared
I don't know what it was. The night of my last entry I decided to go out with Rebecca to dinner. From that night on I've felt 100% better.

Of course I was very active that weekend. I had the dinner with Rebecca that night. Then I had Thanksgiving dinner with her and her daughter at their house along with some of Rebecca's guests. I say guests cause I still believe she's the friendless person. She admits as much to me. I might join her for Christmas too.

Hey Sal, thanks for the kind words in the comment section. That means a lot to me especially coming from you. You're just as beautiful.

Ah yes, as Sal calls her, the lovely and talented Sophia!

The Lovely, Talented, Allergic Sophia
I've been in much more frequent contact with Sophia the last couple of months. At least calls twice a week. I'm not a phone person so two calls is a lot in my book. My shift work is keeping me from seeing her lately. The week we did have plans she was sick.

So okay this will happen. I know it will. I will see her and try to win her heart all over again.

So here we go. It's Thanksgiving Week and I try calling a couple of times. No answer. I sent a text message. No reply. I'm thinking something is wrong. She will at least respond in some way.

The weekend passes and I'm concerned now. On my way to work the evening shift, I sent her a text. As usual she calls me when she's leaving work when I text her. I asked her if something was wrong over the weekend. Yup there was. She works as a medical tech and uses latex gloves. She's allergic to latex. In the past, she'd get a rash, put whatever they gave her on it and it went away. On Saturday night she ended up in the emergency room because the reaction was so severe. She was told that from now on each reaction will get worse and it could eventually kill her. I told her when I didn't hear from her that I knew something was wrong.

And on that note, a song that reminds me of lovely and talented Sophia.

INXS - Beautiful Girl
by cha_bichon

The Depression is Official

2009-11-24T13:04:00.002-06:00

I can't shake it. I took the day off from work cause I knew I'd be out late last night. It took a lot of will power to get out of bed...at 1:00 p.m.

My place is cluttered and I need to clean it up. I have laundry piled a mile high. I have a dinner date with Rebecca tonight. And I'm not in the mood to do any of it.

I thought about calling Rebecca and telling her forget it. I don't want to go out tonight. But I'm going to force myself to go. What's the point of just sitting here and sitting alone in my misery. If nothing else hanging with Rebecca will let me forget my malaise for a while.

What makes me know this is a depressive episode and not some funk? For starters, I've suffered depression all my life and know the symptoms. The big key is my appetite. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I know I have to and will force feed myself in a bit but it's just not something I want to do.

My shrink say the depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. I buy it. My father suffered the same thing but my mom says when he reached age 40 he never went through another episode. I hadn't had an episode in two years so I thought maybe I was headed in the right direction. Guess not.

Of course there can be external triggers. I think one of them is not having a chance to see Sophia. I haven't seen her in a long time and it was one of the things keeping me focused when I had lost my driving privileges. I had hope for maybe starting something with her. Right now I'm in limbo with her.

I just might be flat out lonely. I'm not sure about that since this weekend and next weekend my social calendar is actually booked. I spent time with friends on Sunday and went to the game with Will. Tonight I see Rebecca. I work the next three days but on have plans for the weekend. So it's not like I'm sitting here wondering why friends don't call. They do and we have plans...so loneliness isn't an issue.

I thought maybe the holiday season starting might trigger it. I don't celebrate the holidays so I don't think that's it.

Hell I even missed my favorite Jewish holiday...Yom Kippur. It's been a running joke since high school about me being Jewish...I'm not...but here's the thing...I do celebrate Yom Kippur. It's a wonderful idea. The Day of Atonement. I don't celebrate by going to synagogue but I do reflect on the previous year. I asked God for forgiveness and I try to forgive those who some how may have wronged me. I try to let go of grudges. It's not just a day of atonement but a day of reflection. I missed it this year. Maybe I'll use Christmas as my atonement this year.

Rebecca just called. We are still on for dinner tonight. I gotta get moving. Laundry won't wash itself and the kitchen won't clean itself.

Signing off for now,
Your Fighting Depression Pope

The Strip Club, Angry Football and Some Other Stuff

2009-11-24T03:00:00.005-06:00

Adventures in Titty Bars
One little thing I left out on my depression post yesterday is how I tried to solve it Sunday night. Like lonely bored bachelors, I decided the titty bar was the way to go. So I took out my allowance and went to a local club and not the one I usually drive out the city to.

I should have driven to the one on the outskirts of town. The one I went two had mainly my least favorite dancer: bleach blond with disproportionately huge boobs. I'll address the fake boob issue in a minute. But come on, I like some variety. Where were the Asian girls or my favorite trashy Hispanic women?

I finally spotted an older but very attractive dancer. She wasn't obviously older than the other dancers but carried herself with such sex appeal. Plus she was brunette and all real baby. Not a fake breast on her. I got a few dances and moved on.

Then, wow, to call the next girl I saw attractive, pretty or cute would be an insult. She was smoking. I mean down right gorgeous. Her face was beautiful. Her body was incredible. She was short with tight body. Her legs were stunning...yeah, I know, who looks at legs in a strip club? That's how beautiful she is. I paid her for a few dances. Oh my word, she stripped down to her thong and my mind is repeating,"Holy shit...she's fucking incredible...gorgeous...blessed." Her ass was plump and rounded nicely. Her waste curved in and not an ounce of fat on her body. None. She had small breast...B-cup at best. I know, you think guys like huge tits. I admit I like big nice ones but small ones are just as nice. I thought I would pass out.

Then I started to realize how young she looked. I feared that Chris Hansen from Dateline's to Catch a Predator would show up with cameras and ask me to have a seat.

In fact she reminded me of Rebecca's 15 year old daughter (who can easily pass for a much older girl) and decided enough dances.

Angry Football
Monday Night Football didn't work out for me. I love being at games but damn they sure put me through the emotional roller coaster.

Sex Identity Crisis at Work
I need to watch it. I have to quit referring to my coworker as the Sexually Ambiguous Person or "Hey, that dude, what's her name?" Word will get back to It and I'll be in big trouble.

Well that it for now with the still some what depressed Pope.

Good night.

Monday Morning Blues That Started Sunday

2009-11-23T11:44:00.002-06:00

Not sure why I feel myself slipping into a depression. Or maybe it isn't depression but the "L" word...no not lesbian or love but "loneliness"? The Loner is Lonely?

Quiet honestly it is depression. I suffered enough of it over the course of my lifetime to know the symptoms. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep the day away. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything.

The first thing I did set a time to get out of bed. Okay, so it was 11:00 a.m. but I set a time and stuck to it.

I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. My buddy Will is off from work. I might call him and see if he wants to go grab lunch.

I need to clean up my apartment. It isn't messy but it's cluttered. So that's on the agenda.

I'm slowly upgrading my wardrobe. All my shit is either old or I'm tired of. I want some new nice stuff. Dress to impress. Or at least not look like a bum.

If going to the Monday Night Football game tonight doesn't snap me out of my depression nothing will. Football is my drug. It comes only for a short time each year (8 home games) so I suck it up like crack going out of production.

I've got plenty to do. So I just gotta grab myself by my scruffy neck, shake myself and get moving. I know the worst thing for depression is to let it fester.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just called Will to see ask him something. He sounded worst than me. He just called me back. He just told me his father is terminal. He didn't tell me with what. I don't think it's the Alzheimer but maybe something related.

I was going to spend Thanksgiving with them but they are going out of town to see their father. It might be the last one they spend with him. I'm sorry to hear that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Savages....You are all Savages!

2009-11-05T10:12:00.002-06:00

My work week didn't get any better until Tuesday.

Monday was a total fucking disaster. Worst than Sunday. Incompetence breeds incompetence ad nausem. We are in fourth generation incompetence in some areas because of nepotism, cronyism and the good old boy network. The company won't call it that but we actually have legacy hires...sons, daughters and grandchildren of employees are hired not on qualification but relations. Sad.

Now back to Monday. How bad was Monday? I had to document all that went wrong to cover my ass in case someone tries to mess with me about it. I'll have it all written down by the end of the day for my personal records...sad that I have to do that to. I didn't have to resort to such things in my old department.

Then there is that bright spot in my life. That little sliver of hope. That ray of sunshine poking in through the clouds....yes I'm talking about Sophia.

I've stepped up my assault on winner her over again. Previously the last few times I asked her out she'd kind of stall. Then she asked me if I worked weekends. Then a couple of weeks ago she actually said she wanted to see me soon. Yesterday at the end of our nice short conversation she says again,"I hope to see you soon." That's where I stepped in and said,"That one of the reasons I called. I have some free time the next couple of weekends." She said she had plans this weekend but yes next weekend she should have time.

Well see what happens next weekend. I may try the jedi mind trick on her....

May the Force Be With You and the Pope. It's almost noon so I'm off to breakfast.

Adieu.
El Papa Juan Pablo III

It Doesn't Take Long....

2009-11-01T20:01:00.003-06:00

....for work to piss me off.

I'm gone one week for a much needed vacation. I needed that down time away from that fucking zoo.

I try my best to get stuff done. I have no reason not to. One thing I don't understand about my crew is how they like to slack off and then have to hurry up to get work done before the end of the shift. I like to hurry and get my work done so I can slack off the rest of the day.

Today was a prime example. I wanted to listen to the football game at noon so I took my radio with me. I get all my shit together and just a few things to do in the afternoon. I sit back and enjoy the game. Simple.

Then my equipment went down hill after the game. Our equipment is total garbage. Instead of fixing things the right way, the technical staff just hold the place together with spit, rubber bands and duct tape.

I was actually instrumentation and not people that pissed me off. It took two days back from vacation and smoke was coming out of my ears.

On the commute back home today I was thinking hard about my job. I'd never quit and would be devastated if I ever lost my job. Despite all the bullshit, I'm well compensated for it. The only thing that makes my job some what tolerable is the pay and the benefits. If I got paid half what I make, which would still be pretty good money, I'd seriously start looking for another job.

I guess my job is like a drug. I was on the other side of the fence for years. I was a contractor for a few years before they hired me full time. It was a blessing. My pay almost quadrupled and added benefits. As a contractor I was employed by the whim of management. Now that I've tasted the pay of a full time employee I'm addicted. Add in the overtime and I'm hooked for life. There is just no other way to describe it.

Several years ago, in the first few years I worked for Big Mother Fucking Oil Company, my cousin asked me if I was planning on going to grad school. I almost doubled over laughing. The time it took me to get my engineering degree most students achieved their PhDs. I hated school. I hated working hard. I hated classes. My God, if I went to grad school, I'd still be there 20 years later. No I told him. I've reached my peak. I reached the pinnacle of my working life. I'm a lifer.

Jesus, as much as I bitch about the job, I remind myself with this, which few people can actually say: I'm set for life.

So despite all the bitching and moaning about work, I do remind myself that it is a blessing. Especially in these economic times, I do remember that. I have friends who have either lost jobs or took pay cuts. I can't imagine being in their shoes.

I've only been unemployed once. After I graduated, I went almost a year before I landed my first real job. And calling it a real job is marginal at best. Again, I started as a contractor and was making a dollar or two above minimum wage. I received a livable raise after I was hired full time. (Side note: It's also where I met Violet, go figure). After that I toiled briefly in the oil fields and almost went the roughneck route. If you knew me that would be the farthest thing you'd think when you see me.

The reason I started this blog was for therapeutic reasons. That's what I just accomplished. As pissed off as I am, writing has made me look back at where I was in 1995 and where I am now. A long way from scrapping by on $8.25/hour to make what I do now.

The therapy has worked...for a night at least...

Your Blessed Pope,
JP3

Hmmph

2009-10-30T20:54:00.002-05:00

No this blog hasn't gone dead. I'm not missing in action. Violet didn't hunt me down for cutting off her phone. I didn't run off and finally marry Sophia. I didn't get back with Rebecca and move in with her.

None of the above.

In fact that's it. Nothing is going on....nada, zilch, zero.

I like it that way.

Just watching football, the occasional trip to the strip club and fishing.

Me and my bestest friend EVAR went down to the lake this week and caught a mess of catfish.

Also had my first exposure to red tide. That shit sucks. Wheezing, hacking and coughing the one day we went out to the Gulf of Mexico. Never again on a red tide warning.

Nothing major going on with Sophia but she's still in the picture. She asked me out recently and like a schmuck I haven't been available. She's waited this long to maybe start coming around and I think she can wait a little bit longer. God knows I have...

I may have finally worked my last regularly scheduled night shift. I'm not sure but I think I'm in a permanent day shift. On paper at least my supervisor can't put me on nights because of my seniority. Now I think some crew shuffling can happen and then I might be forced to work nights again.

Well good night,
Your Ever Loving Fishing Pope

Donkey Punch

2009-09-29T01:06:00.004-05:00

I was so sick last night. I couldn't even fucking breath. It was so bad I wanted to punch somebody.

I kept getting out of bed and wandering around my apartment. I'd open the fridge and decide I'm not hungry. I'd lay down on the couch hoping to fall asleep. No luck. I went back to bed and just got angrier that I couldn't sleep.

I was miserable. Finally sometime after midnight I called the shift supervisor and told her I wasn't going into work and that I needed to see a doctor.

I was fortunate I got in this morning to see the doc. Just allergies. She gave me some pretty good meds. I'm taking one more day off just to try and rest. This crud is kicking my ass. I'd hate to go in and crater after a few hours.

The Bleach Blond
I wasted no time with her but I didn't fuck her. Yet.

I got her number the other day. Called her that night. She went to a football game with me.

Why didn't I fuck her? Cause when she came over to my place the morning of the game she told me she hadn't been home all night. She stayed with a friend and that she'd been partying with some guy. I thought, hell, she probably fucked this guy only hours ago. I don't want to go there. I'll have to get it one day after work when I know where she's been the last twelve hours.

Still no word from Violet. I wonder if she's gonna balls up come clean with her shenanigans. I had to cut the phone off though. I've done so much for her cause I hate to see her suffer. When I brought her back from Florida she was suicidal. I helped her through that.

Now she's only made her own mess. It's not that I don't care. I really do but I can't let her drag me down. I'm happy and aside from being sick today, I'm no longer miserable.

Just one more thing I need to make me perfectly happy...but I won't reveal that now.

Until next time,
Your Happy Horny Pope

Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Her Goodbye

2009-09-24T22:22:00.003-05:00

I've said so long to Violet. After my little poll last week, I decided that I would give her one chance to explain her absence and overall shitheaded behavior.

Here's a brief recap. Evidently she was robbed at work and took time off. She then went on a little trip to Mexico in July. I haven't heard from her since. Her son called me in late July or early August (like I really care when) and paid me for her cell phone that's on my account.

I see calls and texts are being sent from her phone when I check the logs online. I occasionally try to call her but never get an answer or return call. Last week I decided to poll my friends and ask them should I cut her phone off or not. The vote was a resounding victory for the "Cut off Phone" campaign.

Her son then called me a couple of weeks ago and said she'd be back soon.

Well Monday I checked the account online and over 1000 minutes had been used recently. I did a reverse number look up on those calls. Most were to auto businesses, insurance companies, auto storage and moving companies and car dealers. In the billing period, which ends October 3rd, someone has used 1500 out of 2100 minutes on my account.

I came up with a few theories on what's going on.

The first contestant is that she's really in Mexico and left her phone with someone to use while she's gone. Her son told me he has it. So either he's making all the calls or he's lying to me for her.

Behind door number two is she isn't really in Mexico but still in the U.S. She miscalculated me and her situation. I believe she thought that I would keep paying the bill in order to keep my phone in service. I don't think she knew I could suspend her phone without it affecting my service.

After seeing how many minutes were run up on my account (despite it not costing me a thing), I decided then and there that it was time to cut no more slack. I called and had her account suspended at 9:30 a.m. yesterday.

I had my coworker screen my calls at work in case Violet called. I turned my phone off for a while.

Sure enough, around 11:30 a.m. I turned my phone back on, and there was a call from an 800 number. I didn't answer the first two times but I did on the third call. It was the cell company and they called to tell me that she was trying to access the account to find out why the phone wasn't working. However she was unable to verify one of the two social security numbers on the account: mine or hers. So they wanted me to verify that she was on the account and tell her why the phone was off. I did allow them to tell her that the phone was suspended.

Later, I realized that if she did find my SSN she could call and have the service reinstated. I called the carrier and told them that under no circumstances are they to turn the phone back on without my permission. She has no authority to do so.

Now a little theory refinement. I don't think it was her calling the cell phone company. I think whoever is using it called or used a female to pose as Violet and call. If it really were her she could access the account with her social security number. I also believe she still has mine.

So I believe she's still in Mexico and left the phone for someone, probably some man she's fucking, to use as he pleases. No worries, she thinks, that idiot the Pope is paying for it all.

As Chucky once said,"Fuck you, bitch!"

I'm Going off the Rails on the Crazy Train

2009-09-18T19:06:00.002-05:00

And then there is the other end of the spectrum. Nothing going on. Not really.

I still haven't heard a peep from Violet. I did a text poll of my friends on whether or not I should cut her cell phone off even though her son has paid me for it. The overwhelming majority voted to cut it off. One person made it conditional and one was actually compassionate. The condition is if I'm still doing her then leave it on. The compassionate one says leave it on as long as it's paid up. Everybody else said the hell with her. I'm in agreement with those that said cut it off. She's paid up til next week then bammo she's off my account.

I do have to admit, most my male friends just said cut it off and left it that. My female friends, well, damn you women are vicious. They couldn't vote yes or no. They had to throw in the "fuck her that goddamn inconsiderate bitch" comments. That's why I love my female friends. I didn't give Rebecca a vote though. I can figure a wild guess on which way she'd vote.

Running with Scissors
I've diagnosed my coworker with "Running With Scissors" syndrome. What that means is that she's an attention whore. She tries to get attention like a little kid running around yelling "Look I'm running with scissor!" I had already pegged her as being needy.

For fucks sake, she's a new hire at work. I'm doing some troubleshooting the other day and she comes up to me and asks if I need help. I just give her my best "I don't give a damn" look and say,"I've been here 13 years. I think I know what I'm doing." Another time I was working on something else and again she sticks her business in my nose and asks if I need help. I turn to her and flat out say,"Absolutely, positively not." And go on my merry way.

Damn woman is in a shitty relationship at home. She's told others that the only reason she's still with her boyfriend is cause the sex is good. Personally I don't care how good the sex is, if I'm miserable, I'm gone. No sex is that good. Buy a goddamn vibrator. What the fuck?

That said, if she lays back and puts her ankles around her ears for me, I'm diving right in. Why? Cause that just the way I roll.

Oh Sexy Girlfriend!

2009-09-03T16:14:00.003-05:00

You smell fishy!
Well your Pope has been a bit busy lately.

I’ve been working some overtime at work to pay for the final touches on my car’s engine work. Next up for her is a brand new custom paint job so she’ll look pretty and sexy.

I’ve also spent a couple of days out on the water fishing. Both times I ended up getting run off by lightening. The first day out at the lake I got some good bites but no catches. The second day down at a river I caught plenty of fish but no keepers. Two catfish, three ladyfish and two small strippers (a third didn’t count because it was foul hooked). The ladyfish were a lot of fun to catch as they hit only artificial lures. One almost put my eye out when I tried to set the hook and the fish broke loose. The lure flew out of the water and right past my face.
Between working extra shifts and fishing, I’ve let my apartment go to shit. Not a mess but just clutter.

Also preseason football started and I went to one game.

So Long Dear Uncle

My uncle died Friday after a long battle with cancer. My plan was to take the afternoon off from work Monday and drive to out of town for the funeral. After waking up tired Sunday, I decided to take the whole day off on Monday. I needed to get my car inspected, a haircut and make sure my suit fit.

I had asked my cousin if I could be a pallbearer if she didn’t have the six picked out yet but she did. I did some other task during the mass. I didn’t matter to me but I was honored that I got to do one last task for my uncle.

Two’s Company, Three’s a Manage a Twat

Tomorrow I make a quick stop at my home for a change of clothes and vehicles and I’m off to a casino to meet some friends and celebrate a friend’s birthday.

It’s kind of a weird situation for me. Originally a much larger group was going. I asked my friend who all was in the final tally. She told me it was just me, her and her boyfriend. Great. I get to be a third wheel at best and a third in a threesome at worst. Trust me the later scenario is the worst idea.

To be honest, I don’t want to reveal much yet of what is going on there. She’s in a messed up domestic situation and wants to dump her boyfriend but for financial reasons just can’t yet.

I’ll say this much. We get along really great and she’s a lot of fun to hang out. She deserves better than the fuck up she’s dating right now. I’m her sounding board on their problems. Sometimes I want to grab her by the neck and say, “Run, dammit, run!” It’s not my place to. I think back to my last year with Rebecca and realize I was in the same situation. Not financially dependent but emotionally dependent. Rebecca was my crutch and my enabler of bad habits. Yet I decided to stay in the situation.

I let my friend know about the train wreck that was me and Rebecca. And I told her how bad a situation it was for me and how destructive it was. But I don’t tell her how to run her life. I just want her to see I was in a similar situation and it blew up ugly and nasty.

Boss, da plane, fantasy football plane!

Football season officially opens for me on Saturday with the kick off of my alma mater’s first game. I have a ticket but may not make the game. Saturday also marks the day of my fantasy football league draft. I hope we wrap up the draft in time to make kick off.

Football. My favorite time of year. It’s Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa and all other religious holidays for me. My bible is Pro Football Weekly and my church is Reliant Stadium. Best time of year.

Well, like Paris Hilton’s panties, I’m off.

The Pontiff Maximus Johannes Paulus III

Brain Games

2009-08-19T17:56:00.003-05:00

I truly believe my subconscience talks to me. I previously described my dreams about the snakes and fish and how my bestest friend EVAR translated it to the women in my life.

My latest dreams weren't so subtle. In fact they were hitting me over the head. They were very clear of intent.

On August 27, 2009 I'll complete two years of sobriety. No alcohol or sleeping pill abuse. I did the rehab stint (third time is a charm) and never looked back. Basically it's been sheer will power and inner strength. It was hard at first and I still have my temptations but the worst is over.

Back to the dreams. For two nights in a row, I dreamed of and relived my memories of being in jail and going to court. In one dream I was up on a new charge of drunk driving and looking at prison time. I was scared and felt hopeless. That all I'd rebuilt over the last two years was lost. I would have been better off dead.

Each day I'd wake up and thank God for letting me get another chance at life. I could have lost it all. God is extremely merciful. Two years ago was my third strike. I was let off the hook with a wrist slap. I walked away with one year probation and a year license suspension. The guy before me in court did jail time and four years probation with a felony record. The judge reduced me to a misdemeanor. I can only chalk it up to God being there with me in court that day.

The dreams, I believe, are my mind and subconscience's way of reminding me how far I've come in life and how much I stand to lose.

I've cleaned myself up and things are better than ever before. I live in a beautiful place, drive two vehicles that I like (and not some beaten up old hoopty), have great friends who helped me during my troubles and a pain in the ass family that loves me in spite of the troubles I've caused.

So in a way I say thanks to my twisted mind for reminding me, not that I need it, how far I've come and how much I can lose.

Have a great night,
The Grateful Pope

P.S. - As always, smack the snot out of some kid today. You'll feel better aftwards.

Damn Fish

2009-08-18T17:20:00.002-05:00

Man what a day. I did nothing but went fishing. Just me and the elements. Unfortunately the elements won. I'll sit through a rain storm. I won't sit through lightning while on the water. That's just not smart.

Fuck and the fish were biting to. And then the rain came. I stayed. The fish still were there. Then the thunder came. I stayed. The fish were still hungry. Then the lightning flashed. I called it a day.

The fish are probably laughing and calling me a pussy. Fuck you fish. I'll have the last laugh when you're on the plate next a slice of lemon and covered in tartar sauce.

No Woman, No Cry

2009-08-11T18:23:00.002-05:00

I've got some friends MIA right now. I haven't heard from three of my friends in a while. I'm way beyond being the concerned bothering type. I figure if they will contact me if and when things get better. I am concerned but I've learned I can only live for myself and not others.

That said, I'm one happy mother fucker. Not for any particular reason. I just am. My life, except for Sophia, is going right. Even with things not going as planned with Sophia I'm still pretty good.

Violet is off dry humping herself or someone in Mexico right now. I could careless what the fuck she's up to. All I know is she's paid me her portion of the cell phone bill and that's all that matters to me right now.

I've been hanging around a lot with Rebecca lately. Despite our relationship not working out we still enjoy each others company. She's a lot of fun. Plus she's good to keep around for those times she gets horny.

As with Violet, I tread lightly with Rebecca. I keep my eyes open for signs that she might think we have a chance to get back together. I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crept into my mind. When it does I just remind myself how that whole relationship blew up like the atom bomb over Hiroshima. It wasn't a pretty ending and the fall out was devastating.

She talks about maybe us taking vacations together and has been inviting me over to her place more often. This is a first. She even wants to cook me dinner. That's never happened before. Even when we were dating. On the surface, I think she's just lonely and knows I have no major commitments other than work. Plus I'm an easy lay as one of my female coworkers so eloquently put it.

Things are just sailing along smoothly for me. No worries. My job is secure, my friends are well, family contact is minimal and football is about to start. Life is good.

Dave's Not Here!

2009-07-23T22:36:00.002-05:00

Dave's not here!!

Fuck. Change your address already. I've been living in the new apartment since late March. I shouldn't be getting your mail anymore. At first I was writing "Return to Sender" in big bold letters. Now I'm just throwing your shit away.

Funny thing though. You might want to clear that warrant up before you get arrested. Also it will save me the problem of showing the cops my ID when they show up here looking for your wanted ass.

Return from the Edge of Sanity

2009-07-20T17:54:00.002-05:00

I'm beginning to think my mom's side of the family is inbred.

We had a big family reunion this weekend. I went thereby fulfilling my one obligatory family function per year. Someone dies or gets married then tough shit. I used up my family function visits for the year.

I had to spend the week at my sister's house since my mother gives away her rooms to out of towners and their guests while she will stick her own son on a small uncomfortable twin bed. A full size isn't comfortable for me anymore. I demand queen sized or better.

I go with my mom to my aunt's house to meet the out of town cousins and my God as soon as I saw them I heard the banjos going. Deliverance. Squeal like a piggy. You sure do got a purty mouth. Dueling Banjos. The visuals didn't stop. They must belong to the part of the family tree that doesn't branch. Holy shit I couldn't wait to get out of there. Cause then all the talk about God this and God that and amen and hallelujah how holy this and that.

So not only are they inbred, they are God freaks to. Maybe they think God is the road to redemption for the incest sins. I don't know.

At the big party on Saturday, I tell my cousin/goddaughter how I have this theory of our my grandparents (her great grandparents) were brother and sister. They were from a small community in South Texas. They had the same last name before marriage and the first names are eerily similar. Way back after the turn of the century, families didn't move around much. Small communities tended to consist mostly of family through blood or marriage. My guess is that they were at worst siblings, at best cousins. I told my cousin that at least it creates a new type of relative in our family. My sister is now my sister and cousin or sister-cousin.

Anyway, I complained to my sister all week about my mom's guests and how weird they were. At the party my brother, who I didn't see til the party, comes over to me and says he went by mom's to visit me. Instead he found a house full of freaks and weirdos. I love my family's sick sense of humor.

I avoided my mom the whole week. Just because I didn't feel like putting up with her or getting volunteered into anything. She has a tendency to make plans and not tell you that you are involved. She tried to get me to "volunteer" to take my aunt and uncle home after the party. I didn't budge from my stance of "you brought them, you take them home." My mom claims she can't see at night. I know it's bullshit cause she's out going to church, with her male friend and visiting my aunts at night. She just doesn't want to do it. I'm of the opinion not only if she brought them she returns them but why aren't my cousins bringing and taking their parents home? It's utter bullshit and I refuse to get sucked into the game.

Other than that I spent time with my bestest friend EVAR and spent some time with my nephews.

OH crap I gotta go back to work tomorrow. Fortunately I managed to turn this into a two day work week. I hate it when that happens.

Your Hardly Working Pope,
Jay-to-the-Pee-to-the-Three-Pope

Terry Therapy Sessions XVII

2009-07-15T11:58:00.002-05:00

I couldn't schedule a face to face meeting with my therapist this month so we did a phone session.

The main topic to start was the death of my friend. I told her the details I knew about it. She asked me how I was coping. My coping was and still is in three stages: 1. Stunned and surprised. 2. Dammit, why did he do it. 3. Let it go because I'll never know his state of mind when he did it.

She asked me if his death brought any thoughts about using. At first I said no cause I really never thought about getting drunk. Then I remembered something. I told her I thought about having a beer in his memory since we used to go out drinking together. It was a fleeting thought though. I realized I have two years sober coming up next month. No need to break my sobriety yet.

I had some family issues between two cousins. They tried to drag me into their bullshit. I told them not to drag me into it. I was doing one of them a favor and that's it. So what if the other didn't like it. It was none of her business just like my business on why I was doing the favor. I was just helping someone out who asked and it was a reasonable request. Nothing more. Nothing less. Terry said I handled the situation perfectly.

She did ask me about Violet and how I'm handling her. I told her I was done. I tried my best but I can't help a person who won't help herself. I've tried to distance myself from her and not allow her to take me down.

I guess that was the major points. There was some follow up on how I was doing with things we discussed previously.

I guess the main thing for me was to get the suicide of my friend out in the open. Work provided a grief counselor and some coworkers asked me to go with them to see the counselor. I declined. The went for whatever reason they needed to go. I knew I had my session with Terry coming up and would discuss it with her.

Well, gotta schlep out of town for a few days. My aunt's 80th birthday is coming up. I commit to one family function per year and this one is it.

Adios,
JP3

Final Farewell to My Friend

2009-07-10T18:54:00.002-05:00

Today was the funeral of my friend. Sadly it was self inflicted. I don't know what drove him to his final actions. If he left a note or anyone knows anything, they aren't saying.

To me it doesn't matter. My friend is gone. I'll never know his state of mind when he did it. Maybe one day I will.

The whole affair has been heartbreaking. Less than 12 hours before his end, I was joking and laughing with him. Nothing seemed wrong. No indications or hints that something so tragic was coming.

I pray for his family. They will need the strength in the days and years to come. I pray for the two youngest. Seeing them and hearing the daughter speak just made things tougher.

At first I had hoped that the rumors were just that...rumors. No one wants to believe someone so close can take their own life. Yet it proved to be true.

At first I was shocked and stunned to hear about the death. Now I'm just saddened and heartbroken for him and his family. I keep saying to myself,"Goddammit, why did you do it?" Then I remind myself that more than likely he wasn't in his right mind anymore.

What ever the reason he did it, I hope it brings him the peace he was probably seeking. His actions may seem unforgivable and angering but his life is over. There is no reason to carry any bitterness or anger toward one who is no longer alive. I pray the family can move on and not guilt themselves into bitterness or hatred. Instead I hope they keep him alive in their hearts and remember him how they loved him best.

Personally, I feel sorry for him and his family. It's tragic. It's easier for me to let go. He's my friend and I'll miss him but we all have to move on. For me this event is tragic but I won't let it blemish my memories of my friend. Instead I'll remember the fishing trips, the beer drinking and the countless laughs we shared.

So long old friend. I hope you find what you were looking for.

The Still Grieving Pope

Good Bye, My Friend :-(

2009-07-06T19:31:00.002-05:00

My good friend and coworker died suddenly last night.

I'm in shock and stunned by it. He wasn't sick or in bad health. He was fit as a fiddle. He was part of the emergency crews at work. You have to be in top physical condition for that. Yet he's gone.

He was only a few years older than me. This death hits to close to home.

When I started at BOC many moons and years ago, he was one of the first employees to befriend me. I felt honored that he considered me a friend. He didn't think highly of most people at work. Yet he was always my friend and always helped me with stuff at work if I had problems. It didn't hurt that he thought I was a crazy mother fucker and fun to work with.

He was one of the few I associated with outside of work. We used to go fishing. We used to go drinking many times after work. The mother could drink beer like no other. In my drinking heyday I could drink him under the table. That's saying a lot!

I've lost relatives to death including my father.

I've lost friends to distance and time but this is the first friend I lose to death.

I'm still to stunned to be sad. Yet I felt empty at work today knowing that I'll never see him and his funny walks again. I'll never get to yell out my nickname for him whenever he walked by. He was a hell of a story and joke teller. I'll never hear those words from him again. I'll miss him calling me a "crazy mother fucker" or a "sick fuck."

At least my last two days working with him were memorable. On the 4th of July he cooked for us at work. Yesterday, his last on Earth, I went to the back area where he was working. We were cutting up and joking. The memories are no big events but they are the type worth carrying for a lifetime.

He leaves behind a young family. I feel for them. Like them, I lost my father unexpectedly and in apparent good health. I'll keep them in my prayers.

Most of all, I'll miss my good friend, fishing partner and former drinking buddy.

So long good friend. May you find peace and rest in the next world.

Your grieving Pope,
JP3

Terry Therapy Session XVI and more

2009-06-23T16:13:00.003-05:00

Terry Therapy
Last week was my monthly therapy session. I actually look forward to them. They are no longer a requirement by work but I choose to still attend on my own. I think it's better than those stupid AA meetings. Now that is a requirement but work doesn't follow up on it or ask me to get anything signed at meetings so I just don't go.

As for the session itself, we covered a lot of ground in my hour. Nothing earth shattering.

What Terry pointed out to me was how I've been channeling my frustrations, anxieties and all the other emotions that lead me to drink to other outlets. The two prime examples were when the transfer at work and my trainer were getting on my nerves. I talked to my supervisor after I was done training and asked for some time off. In the past I would have went straight for the bottle. I forgot exactly what else she brought up but that I took time out for myself one day and just went to a movie. Once again it was a situation where I would just decided to get drunk and numb myself for a while.

I also brought up the anger issue I've been having the last few months. She just told me that's a part of life. We all get angry. What matters is what we do with that anger. Do I got out and belt someone cause they pissed me off or do I walk away and calm down? Do I get angry and cause a scene at a store or do I go up the management chain to see I get what I need or want? I gave her the examples of my anger and what I did. She said I handled myself well. Also she pointed out that it was those exact scenarios that a few years ago would have pushed me off the edge and into a nice long drunk. She's right.

I also brought up my frustrations with Sophia. Terry just told me that I have to be patient. She says I'm handling it the right way. But if things don't work out I'll know when I have enough and will decide to move on. It's what everybody tells me about Sophia. Be patient.

Violet's Deep Dark Depression
I can't help her anymore. Violet's falling into a deep dark hole. She's falling into a spot where I can't reach her. Not only can I not reach her but I don't want to. I've given it my all to save her from herself. She can't muster up the courage to face her depression. I can't save her if she doesn't want the help.

It hurts to see someone who has been a big part of my life for over twelve years to suffer like she is. I feel very helpless. The best I can say is I did my best for her. I took all the steps possible to move past her problems. I can't carry her burden for her. She must carry the burdens herself. It's not to much for her to bare but it takes strength and courage. Strength and courage are virtues she doesn't have. She thinks she does but no one who does curls up in to a figurative fetal position and bury her head in the sand.

I can't allow her to drag be down with her. I'll always lend her an ear to talk to and a shoulder to cry on but I refuse to be sucked down the abyss with her.

I think she's up to something drastic. I'm not sure what but she's up to something. I've tried to warn her that she's going to go a step to far and I'm going to cut her off from my existence. I value myself to much to allow her to throw me down one into my depressions.

This just maybe goodbye Violet. Forever.

I've got plenty more to write but just the lines about Violet took it out of me. Maybe I'll be back soon with more. I need to go clean my apartment to.

Your Almost Waving Goodbye Forever to Violet Pope!
Regards.

For My Ears Only

2009-06-13T13:28:00.002-05:00

I was walking by one of my coworkers the other day. She called me over and said,"Hey I've got something I want to tell you."

I'm thinking oh shit what did I say or do? I've known her since we were both contractors twelve years ago. Then I'm thinking crap. Since I'm a union steward she has an issue she needs to tell me about. I'm already coming up with excuses in my mind to tell her I'm not her steward, to go ask them and then me if they won't help her out.

She caught me completely off guard when she said,"Hey, I just wanted you to know that I never said anything to anyone about when I saw you at that place with my son."

Then it came back to me. Me and her son were in rehab together. She saw me once when she dropped him off.

She assured me that she never said anything about it to anyone. She believes that it was something that no one should repeat or mention. Whatever I was doing there is completely confidential that she wouldn't dare break that.

I thanked her and said I never gave it a second thought. It's the truth. I saw her there one day and we talked briefly but she never asked why I was there or what was going on. I really appreciated that. Since that time I a thought about it never entered my mind.

She just wanted to reassure me that she wouldn't betray my trust.

I wanted to hug her right then and there. It was a really sweet thing she did for me. She didn't have to say a word to me. I wasn't worried about it at all. That she went out her way to let me know what she thought actually made my day.

Violet meet Sophia, Bwahahahahaha!

2009-06-10T20:49:00.003-05:00

Of course I'm gaga over Sophia. Not only is she in my thoughts through out the day but I have a recurring daydream about me, her and Violet. Settle down, Beavis. It's not a three way. Shit, like I'd ever fuck Violet again.

Anyway, in this recurring scenario, me and Sophia are finally a couple. That should be enough right there. But remember, I'm a vicious, angry Pope.

I don't know how or why but Violet runs in to me and Sophia some where. The whole time Violet knows I have a new female companion. (I refuse to use the term girlfriend. It's so juvenile sounding. Plus I like the term some lesbians use..."female companion" or "life partner"). Anyhow, Violet had never met Sophia. So this one fantastical day she gets to meet her on accident.

Here I am with this stunningly beautiful hot latina woman as my new life partner and I can just see the blood drain from Violet's face. Reality hits that not only am I not ever going back to her but I've scored so far above Violet's level that after I taste Valhalla I won't return to Hell.

It's petty but delicious thoughts that I have through out the day.

For the love of God I hope they never meet if me and Sophia ever end up together. I'll do like I did with the previous three...Violet, Rebecca and as of yet unnamed South American ex-female companions never met. Especially Violet and unnamed South American girl, those two hated each other with a passion. Violet did meet the girl I dated before her but she has no clue that me and this woman dated.

One little correction. Rebecca and Sophia have met. In fact if it wasn't for Rebecca I never would have met Sophia. I went so far as to set them up a business deal. That's a violation of the unwritten code. Never let your main squeeze meet your goumada.

Just a quick little peak into the types of thoughts that float through my petty mind on a slow work day.

Your Daydreaming About Petty Stuff Pope

If I Were a Horse...They Just Might Shoot Me

2009-06-08T20:35:00.003-05:00

I've had it with my fucking left knee. I've been hobbling around off and on since October of last year. When I asked the doctor about it back then he asked how intense the pain was. At the time it wasn't very intense only annoying. He said take some anti-inflammatory meds over the counter.

Fast forward to earlier this year. The pain was occurring more frequent and more intense. I've tried in vain to find a cause for it without going to the doctor. I tried new shoes. That helps for a while. I tried thicker socks. That seemed to help. Not anymore.

I can walk ten miles and not feel any pain. My problem is when I sit down or bend my knee. The first few steps not only are painful but sometimes I can't put my full weight down. It so bad now that when I get out of the truck I have to hold on to it until I can put weight on my leg. Then I can walk forever.

More distressing is I can feel my knee pop sometimes when I walk. No pain when it pops but damn it can't be a good thing. I also noticed last week how tender it is when I touch the inner side of my knee.

All this is probably leading up to a few things. At worst knee replacement and at best a brace. Rest isn't going to heal this puppy up. Something isn't connected right anymore. My sister, who only God knows how, has some medical knowledge, speculates that my knee will have to be scoped.

A couple of people have asked my why haven't I done anything about it yet. June 1 of this year marks my one year return to work after my six month sabbatical that started in 2006. I didn't have my full benefits back before June 1. I still had disability pay but at half my pay rate. I'm now back to full pay if I have to take extended time off.

Today though was the day that I got tired of Wounded Knee. At approximately 6:30 p.m. I called the doctor's office and set an appointment for next week.

See you later mother phukkers,
Pope Wounded Knee

"You know how to whistle, don't you...You just put your lips together and blow my meat whistle!"

2009-06-07T19:29:00.002-05:00

I was bored. Extremely bored. How bored was I? I spent the weekend with Violet.

Normally I don't mind doing things by myself. Hell I enjoy it. Fishing, dog track, vacations, roadies to Louisiana to gamble, titty bars, movies and going out to eat. I love it all and enjoy my aloneness. This week I went down to Galveston and almost killed outta shape ass on my bike. I took in the new Terminator movie. I went to the dog track and then the nudie bar afterward. All alone. I liked it.

So Saturday I'm bored. I called good old Violet to check in on her and her depression. I knew she hadn't had a good meal in a while. Depression does that. I know first hand. So asked her if she wanted to get dinner after work and she said yes.

The place I was in the mood for was where we had one of our first dates. While there a flood of memories hit me. Our life together. Then my post-Violet girlfriend came to mind. I haven't come up with a good name for her yet. But I took her there once to and it was the point in the relationship when we were talking marriage and all that fun shit. I almost proposed to her. The weird thing after that was when we were leaving. A man stopped us in the parking lot and gave me flowers to give "to your beautiful wife." So all these thoughts of Violet and ex-beautiful Colombian girlfriend came to mind.

So what do I do? I come up with the idea of spending today in Galveston and at the Moody Gardens with Violet. I realized after the fact that this is where me and ex-Colombian girlfriend spent New Years 2000 at. Is there a doctor in the house? Paging Dr. Freud.

The reason I asked Violet to do something was I was coming off my anger of last week and starting on a downward cycle. I just didn't want to be alone today.

Sophia, or the lack of, was what was bringing me down. As much as I want to write her off, I can't. The rational part of me was saying move on and find someone else. Another voice was telling me don't give up. So I was going batty thinking about her and I didn't want to be left to my own devices this weekend.

I told myself not to call her this weekend. I almost made it. After I dropped Violet off, I sent Sophia a text message in Spanish (Sophia is beautiful South American woman!) asking her if everything is okay. I didn't even put my phone down and it rang. I thought it was Violet calling me for God knows what.

It was Sophia calling. The first words out of her mouth were,"Pope, I'm so sorry. I got your messages. I've been so busy with work and my Mom. I feel so bad. I wasn't ignoring you." She went on to tell me about work, her mom's neediness and other time consuming stuff. She said sometimes when she does get a moment to herself she wants to keep it that way. I can definitely understand that.

We had a nice conversation. Of course there was the promise of seeing each other soon. I hope so. I miss her dearly. I want us to pick up where we left off before my troubles. As I've said before, I need to win her heart back. She just needs to give me the chance.

Amazing. I feel 100% different than I did 24 hours ago.

Angry Jewish Pope Ranting and Raving

2009-06-04T13:25:00.003-05:00

In general I'm an angry person. I don't like people. I have a small group of friends that I'm fiercely loyal to but outside of that I don't care much for new folks entering my life.

Today I'm angrier than normal. And not Denis Leary angry either. My slope downward probably started a couple of days ago.

What started the ball rolling? More than likely Violet. Tuesday she sends me a text message on how depressed she is and that she doesn't want to talk to anyone. She said she'd call me the next day. I replied did something happen. She said she'd explain it later. So here it is on Thursday and no word. It pisses me off that she tries to invoke my sympathies with her pathetic rhetoric. I don't know if she was drunk but later I get the "I love you. A lot. If nothing else you are my best friend always." Great. My ex-girlfriend is now my BFF.

I've been wanting to paint my car but I've been ineligible to work any overtime at work while I train on my new job. Now that I'm certified on one job I can work overtime. Problem is that I got so sick of being there after three weeks that I took two weeks off. So while I'm not working OT there is no extra money to paint the car. It doesn't help that I took a nice chunk out of my savings for a down payment on the truck. So that has me a little edgy to.

I let William borrow the car while I was out of town. Generally Will is a pretty stand up guy. Unfortunately he chose this weekend not to be one. My car got egged while it was at his house. He didn't clean it up right away and I now have egg etched into my paint job. It looks just lovely.

I picked up the car yesterday from my mechanic. Naturally when I get home the thing I took it in originally to get fixed is still broken. He had it fixed but my car decided that it didn't want to remain fixed. I have to take it back soon.

Finally I'm fed up with Poindexter and his bullshit. I fronted the money to him and William to buy NFL season tickets with me. Will has promptly paid me back. Dork Dexter hasn't. Every fucking time I ask about my money he either ignores my texts, tells me he's mailing it that week or has a laundry list of excuses. One day I told him, look mother fucker, you're not the only one with expenses. I got my move, my car, my teeth, strippers and I want a new TV. So then last week the bank allegedly screwed up his account and bounced some checks. Then this week it was something with a new job and God knows what else.

The bottom line is this: He owes me the fucking money. I'm tired of his excuses. The tickets are going up online at stubhub.com. I've joked in previous entries that he doesn't have a job. Sadly I think it's true. Binks says that Dex keeps coming up with excuses cause he doesn't have a job. Binks thinks it's typical Dex. Always bragging about having this and that but really doesn't have shit. Well fuck you Dex. Conveniently he's ignored my text today. I've had it. I told him this cat and mouse shit is getting old.

I thought ranting and raving on the blog would calm me down. Instead I can feel the steam coming out of my ears and my blood pressure rising exactly 121 points.

Fuck off,
The Pope

Down time, nicknames, new truck

2009-06-01T16:04:00.004-05:00

I'm taking vacation from work. This straight day gig isn't as easy to adjust to as I thought it would be. I actually got pretty pissed on what normally would be my night shift. I didn't want to work the day shift. Amazingly my body, mentally and physically, had adjusted to working the rotating shifts.

The straight day deal isn't permanent yet. I still need one person senior to me to die or retire. Once I get trained on three more job posts I get kicked to rotating again. It figures that I'll probably adjust to days right when I go back on rotation.

I spent the weekend at visiting my mom, sister, Binks and Poindexter. Old Dex is such a dork...hence the name. I've known him since middle and school. The man hasn't changed one bit. He and Binks no longer talk. Binks got tired of his bullshit. Binks also thinks Dex is a pedo at worst, a homo at best. Binks doesn't want him around his kids.

Obviously, to maintain anonymity I change people's names. Poindxter comes from the Revenge of the Nerds character to describe my ultimate dorkiest friend:

The name Binks comes from my friend's favorite comic strip: Bloom County. I picked the name Binks cause it's short for Binkley; the Bloom County character my friend most resembles. Actually it's uncanny how much they look alike.

That's just a little history on why some of the names I pick are kind of weird.

Moving back the show. Nothing of any significance happened while I was gone. Thank God, Allah, Zeus and Vishnu.

The main reason I went was to get away from Houston for a few days and also show off my new truck. It was a whim purchase but something I've been wanting for a while. I want it for my fishing adventures and also my other car is getting up in years. Time to let the old gal rest. She deserves it.

Maybe I'll discuss how pissed Violet was when I bought the thing at a later date. All her reaction did was reinforce in my already made up mind on why she's my ex-girlfriend and why I never married her. It's good to have an occasional reminder even though I know better.

Well, that's my quick blurb for now.

Go molest a priest tomorrow,
Pope JPIII

Terry Therapy Session XV

2009-05-17T20:58:00.004-05:00

I think I'm on my 15th session with Terry. I'm to lazy to look it up so I'm going with 15 here on forward.

It wasn't a bad session. As usual we talked about me maintaining my sobriety and the things I'm doing to stay that way. For example, my camping trip was one way I'm keeping myself busy and out of trouble.

She asked me if I still had thoughts about drinking. I said of course. Not only during my camping trip but at the NFL draft party I went to. Sitting at home on my off days, I think about drinking to. But they are just thoughts. I don't linger on it. I have my thoughts about it, push them out of my brain and go on my way. Sure, even though I'm randomly tested at work, I know I can get away with it. But what if I slip up at the wrong time? To me it isn't worth the price of losing my job. Terry said it's good I have the thoughts but can deal with it. She said the thoughts are different from urges. Urges are stronger. Since my thoughts are fleeting she doesn't see any real danger. She also told me that as more time passes the thoughts won't be as often and some day they will disappear completely.

Terry asked how's the love life? I laughed and said what love life. I did tell her my concerns with both Rebecca and Violet. I told her about the whining both did at Valentine's that I didn't call or send flowers. I told her about the night of the harpies with Rebecca's friends. I told her that Violet is the one that concerns me more. She's getting possessive of me and expects things from me that a boyfriend or sometimes husband does. Not a friend.

Terry said I need to be careful because women can take some actions from a man that he's interested in them. In my case it's more dangerous since both women are my ex-girlfriends. She says what I may view as just hanging out, movies and dinner may start to form in their minds that we are back together again. Even though there is no romance they can start think, "Well I have a boyfriend." Oy vay, I don't really want to deal with that. Terry then laughed and said,"Isn't it great to be love?" I told her no. Instead I thought it was pretty scary.

Terry just urged me to proceed with caution with both. My biggest fear is Violet. Rebecca can rebound pretty quick. She can be cold or at least put up a strong front when she want. I told Terry my fear is Violet will be devastated when I start dating again. She agreed with me that if Violet causes me grief over a new girlfriend that I have to cut Violet completely out of my life. I'd hate to be I can't sacrifice my happiness over her.

Those were the big topics we talked about. We talked some about my new assignment with BOC (BIG OIL Company - my employer) and how I was adjusting to that. Family matters and how my mother is finally leaving me alone. We even talked briefly about my future with BOC and when I think I'd like to leave and retire. My thing is this. As long as I'm healthy I still want to work. If reach retirement age (55 at BOC) and I still need to work, I see no reason to leave BOC. If I can leave and don't need the income, I'd like to travel and pursue maybe a second career. 55 is to young to sit around and sniff the seats where old women have sat.

Sophia
I don't know what to say about Sophia. There really isn't much to say. She's either really busy, has a boyfriend or is playing hard to get.

The New Job
I'm in week two of training. I can tell my trainer gets really annoyed with me. I feel like telling him,"Look mother fucker, you've been doing this shit for 18 years. I've been doing it for exactly five days. Back the fuck off." But I don't. I just nod my head and go with the flow. Underneath though I'm boiling. I was going to finish up with him this week but I decided after this morning's fiasco that I'm not ready to sign off yet. He'll have to deal with me one more week. He told me not to listen to management. He doesn't like to train more than two weeks but for me to take my time and learn the job right. He won't pressure me to finish up.

Big sign that I'm slightly peeved about training? My blood pressure is fucking high. 154/90 when I took it the other day while on break. We have a machine at work. My normal blood pressure at the docs and other times I've taken it is around 128/78. I can see I'm slightly aggravated.

I'm wrapping up my long session now. There is more I want to write but I need to sleep and be bright eyed and angry at work tomorrow. The beauty of my job is my work week is over on Tuesday.

Oh wait one more quick thing.

The Scallops are Boy Toys?
I wrote about my gay neighbors the Scallops last time. We have assigned parking in my building. The car next to me at first was driven by a Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator wanna be. He's the kind of douche bag that wears a leather jacket, black shirt, sunglasses and shaves his head. Other than looking like a douche, he looks normal. In case you haven't guessed it, I think everybody in my apartment building is a douche bag. I live in Douche Bag Central. After some time passes, I met the Scallops and then noticed they also parked next to me. I didn't think much more of it. I thought maybe they had lent someone the car. Hadn't seen Arnold Douche-a-nator lately. That is until yesterday. As I was drilling a hole in my car floorboard (that's another story), Arnie the Douche walks by and gets in the Scallop-mobile. Then it dawned on me. I only see Arnie occasionally but I see the Scallops running amok and doing whatever it is gay men who don't work full time do. I think the Scallops, both of them, are Arnie's Boy Toys. I think Arold the Douchebag keeps these gay Asian guys on the side. Even if he doesn't, it's fun to speculate. Whatever, all three are douchebags. Actually I take it back. The little fag and Awnald are douches. The other gay dude at least says hi and isn't snooty like the other two.

Okay, good night,
Your Scallop Observing Pope-a-nator

I'm Back, New Job

2009-05-13T17:48:00.002-05:00

I had a fucking blast on my little time in the woods. I fished, looked for alligators, hiked, visited historic sites, stalked a bird and ate ungodly amounts of food.

Then I started my new job. At first I was a little apprehensive. Yeah, I worked there before. I know people there. I know the product. I know the systems. I know the computers. Yet, I didn't know the new testing. I worked in the same building ten years ago but I worked in a different section. I have to learn a whole new set of lab tests. Had I been returned to my old section I could have skated. Ten years is a long time but I still remember how to run a lot of those tests. It wouldn't take me near as long to train.

The good news is I get to work straight days for at least four to six months while I train. The eve better news is that if someone in front of me on seniority list dies or retires, I move u one slot and get a permanent straight day job. That's the reasoning management gave me for placing me in the new section. It's where they expect the next retirement to occur so they saw no point to train me for a few months only for me to have to move and train again. Not like I really have a choice. I got my marching orders and I have to go. In this economy I'm grateful for my job.

My training hasn't gone to bad. My trainer isn't the friendliest guy. He doesn't like to be bothered. He had me follow him around the first two days but told me to go away every once in a while. So I went and met the new people and reintroduced myself to my old coworkers. The second two days I did a lot of hands on. I could tell he was getting frustrated with me sometimes. I made a few mistakes but hey this is all new to me. He's taking a sensei-grasshopper approach to the training. He keeps emphasizing that he's passing on all his 18 years experience to me. I just nod and smile while thinking I need to hurry up and finish training.

The Scallops
I have a new name for my gay raving douchebag neighbors: "The Scallops." In college I worked at a video store where a prerequisite for management was to be a homosexual. Straight people were allowed to work there but only one manager was straight. The "girls" always referred to a woman or other gay man they didn't like as a scallop. So I figure it's a nice insulting thing to call my neighbor the gay douchebag. Hello, you little scallop.

The Car
I took my car in to get checked out. The good news is the engine is in great shape. I need to do some preventative maintenance like changing out the hoses, timing belt and heater hoses. The mechanic said it should last several years if I take care of it. Else I'll end up stranded on the side of the road some where. He figures around $800 for the work.

The bad news is that it looks like shit. Lily's brother painted it for me two years ago when it oxidized real bad. It was a stop gap measure. Hey I paid the guy $400 under the table. So I took it to a friend of a friend of mine. He gave me an estimate of $1900. He showed me the before and after pictures of his work. He does incredible work. Some the cars looked like total crap. It may seem like a steep price but the dealership is closer to $3000.

My reasoning is that fixing up the car for around $4000 is better than getting into a car note for the next five years. I gotta spend that overtime money on something that makes me feel happy. The teeth are a necessity. The car is my luxury.

The Women
I hear from them all but still haven't hadI a chance to see Sophia. I know it's a process to win her heart back.

Rebecca called me on Mother's Day to wish me a happy father's day. She cracked me up.

Of course came the moan and groan from Violet. Why didn't you call me she asked me today. Mother fuck woman. Your my friend. Not my mother, not my wife and not the mother of my children. Why the fuck should I call on mother's day?

As usual she asks me if I've heard from Rebecca. I told her about the father's day joke. Violet didn't laugh. A friend of mine said Violet is scared of losing me. I told my friend she lost me years ago. Violet last week twice told me to stay away from any of the new girls from work. At first I thought maybe she was joking. The second time she said it I don't think she was. She's starting to remind me of Rose on "Two and a Half Men." I'm expecting to finder climbing through my patio window any day now.

I made myself promise I won't spend so much time with her anymore. Yet I still find myself hanging out with her. I went and had lunch with her today. Tonight I'm going over to her place to watch a movie. I must fucking be bored. Maybe I'm better off hammering a nail through my dick.

Tomorrow is Terry Therapy Session day. She laughed because I called her in the middle of my camping trip to set up my therapy session for the month. She said,"Wow. Camping and you need therapy." We had a good laugh about it.

That's it for now. I'm going to go meet Violet. God I'm so stupid. Sophia, I need you to take me away from this broad.

THE FO SHIZZLE POPE-IZZLE

More Downtime, Gay Guy Douche Bag Neighbor

2009-05-02T23:48:00.003-05:00

My transfer is official May 3 but I don't have to show up until May 8th. Since I'm changing shifts entirely I was going to have three of my four days off, work one day and then have four off. I decided to take the one day between shifts off. I get a week vacation by only taking one day off. Awesome.

I debated what to do with my off time. A three night stay at a lakeside state park is in order. I bought new camping equipment his weekend. Got fresh live worms and bait shrimp to. It's gonna be nice and relaxing. There is an old historic Confederate Veteran Reunion site nearby and a historic fort. Add that to fishing, camping, hiking and ungodly amounts of food and I have a great week planned. I'm turning off my cell phone and only letting a few know where I'll be at.

Douche Bags R Us
I've stated before and I'll say it again, I live in Douche Bag Central. We have a catered breakfast every Saturday. I went down there for the first time. Talk about an unfriendly bunch of assholes. Even the serving woman, who I just found out is my neighbor's maid, doesn't say shit to me.

Then there is the rave on the other side of me. Today I finally got to meet the raving neighbors. They were coming back from the pool while I was taking out the trash. To put it mildly, saying they were light in the loafers is an understatement. They were a couple of flamers. Not like I really care.

So being the friendly guy I am, until pissed off, I said hi to them. One was nice enough and said hello. The other looked at me like I was a piece of shit. Like how I dare say anything to his "partner." To hell with the little cock sucking douche bag.

Oh well, I'll be back in a week with how my first day on my new job went. Tell you how many people there that I hate off the bat. Hey, that's just how I roll.

Mindless Post

2009-04-22T23:06:00.003-05:00

Not much to update. Came back from out of town and been at work since. I really need to slow it down. With the upcoming transfer I won't be eligible for overtime until I get trained. That's the only reason I'm working so much now.

May 3 is my official transfer date. May 4th I'm headed out the lake for a few days of R&R. I got a taste of the fishing bug last week when I went with my best friend. That was only for a day. I need at least three days out on the water now.

I worked graveyard shift last night and I had to be up at noon to see the Bitch counselor that work assigned me to for my little "drinking" problem. I'm just going through the motions and telling her what she wants to hear. It pisses me off that she thinks she can understand what I've gone through. I'm not a fucking down and out drunk. I made some mistakes. She wants to handle me with kid gloves. Like last year she freaked out when I said I was going to continue being a season ticket holder for the local NFL team. I felt like telling her to fuck off. I'm glad she called to postpone our appointment till next week.

My boss has the same attitude with me sometimes. She called me into her office a few weeks ago. She asked me how I was doing and all the usual things she thinks is helpful to ask a drunk. She then asked me how I was holding up with my moving and my transfer. If that was putting any pressure on me. I know what she's really asking me is if I'm getting the urge to drink. A big "FUCK YOU" formed in my vocal chords but I just said no and left it at that.

Fucking idiots.

Today on my half day off, I ran errands. I'm back at the grind for overtime on Thursday and Friday, off on Saturday and my regular shift starts on Sunday night. It should be my last one at my current job. I looked at the schedule for after May 3rd and I'm still on the books. I intend on asking what that's all about tomorrow.

Today I got an interesting call from the cute woman in my apartment leasing office. Security noticed someone casing my apartment. I'm on the first floor and they spotted him twice eying my patio. They chased him off the second time. She told me they think he was checking out my bike. I moved it inside. Security is still watching my place closely.

Finally, I called Rebecca today see if she wants to have a bachelor party with me Friday after work. I think we'll hit a strip club for shits and giggles.

The Usual Suspects...Violet, Rebecca & Pointdexter

2009-04-18T16:43:00.001-05:00

Some Progress
I had my first extended break since I got my license back. I had pretty much been working nonstop, packing and unpacking. I’m still unpacking. Before I took my little vacation, I was getting aggravated in my seeming lack of unpacking progress. I’m still pulling shit out of boxes but the place is definitely looking better. The only thing that sucks is the walls are solid stone. I can’t use regular nails. I’m off to Home Depot to buy mason screws or TapCon.

Violet was over on Thursday and she arranged my living room for me. I’m moving it back the way I had it. At least she took the recliner with her. It was gumming up the works. I can now move the arm chair into the bedroom and have more room to place the couch and love seat in the living room the way I want.

My Violet Attitude
Speaking of Violet, she accused me of copping an attitude with her Thursday. She called me and asked me if I wanted her to come pick me up to go with her to her niece’s house. Before I could answer she said that she’d call me back. After she dropped off her niece, she called me again and asked if I wanted her to come by. She asked me how to get to my place from I-10. I told her I didn’t have a clue. There was no direct route. She then asked me if I really wanted her to come by. I said yes. That’s when she accused me of having an attitude with her. I asked her what the fuck was she talking about. She says when she called me to pick me up that I sounded angry. She felt I didn’t want her around and then when I told her I had no clue about how to get to my apartment from I-10 she felt I really didn’t want her around.

I told her I didn’t have an attitude. I don’t know where she got the idea. Maybe cause I don’t kiss her ass. She admitted as much. When she got to my place she said I spoiled her to much. That she wasn’t used to hearing an edge to my voice. I’m not sure if I had an attitude or not. All I know is when she asked me what I was doing I replied I was making sandwiches. Maybe I was a little annoyed that she was interrupting my meal.

On my little vacation I actually had a decent time. I dread going because I never know what mood my mother will be in. I don’t like family functions so I go to one event every year. Either a birthday party, wedding or holiday. One event. That’s it.

I avoided the family gathering at my cousin’s house on Easter Sunday. I really didn’t want to go. Just to many people. Plus I’m going to my aunt’s 80th birthday party in July. After that I’m done with big family gatherings.

I kept my little nephew home from day care to spend the day with him. I took him to a baseball game and then put up with his hyper ass for the last two hours I had him. It was fun.

Swollen Thigh, Fat Head
I visited my friend Pointdexter. He’s the ultimate dork. I was talking to Binks about him. Binks is amazed that Pointdexter is still the same 22 years after high school.

So me and Pointdexter are sitting in his living room shooting the shit. He then suddenly asks me have I ever had a spider bite. Huh? He shows me his thigh. He has an abscess the size of a quarter that’s oozing pus. A grapefruit size red area surrounds the abscess. I took one look and asked him if he’d seen a doctor. He casually tells me no. I told him three times he needed to get it looked at. I then pointed out my thumb that was infected and that the doc gave me antibiotics and it went down within 24 hours. He replied that he’s putting some stuff on it. I asked what stuff and he couldn’t recall. I tell you, he’s an idiot.

The Return of Rebecca
Rebecca returned from her Eastern European country two weeks ago. I really avoided calling her because I was afraid she’d give me bad news about her mom. I take that back. Not really afraid. I didn’t want to upset her if something happened. I didn’t want to put her on the spot and make her rehash the story if the worst had happened. It’s also why I had avoided calling her daughter while Rebecca was away. Gina is 14 and I didn’t think she’d want to rehash anything bad that happened to her grandmother.

Rebecca called me on Easter Sunday while I was driving to my mother’s. She was sitting in her favorite titty bar (no longer my favorite) wondering what I was up to. She said she had brunch with a friend and then decided to drop in the strip club. She said it was dead and since I wasn’t in town she was going home. I asked about her mom. She’s fine. Alive and kicking. Thank God!

Finally Fishing
On Wednesday I finally fired a fishing rod and drowned a worm in anger. It had been about three years since I went fishing. It was fun, it was relaxing and I some color to me. The fact that I didn’t catch many fish wasn’t important. The important thing is I had fun and relaxed.

I need to update more often so my writing won’t be so long winded. Brief updates are best.

That’s it. Time to put on the funny hat and go be Pope.

Pope JP3

Snakes on a Dream Interpretation

2009-04-08T21:29:00.002-05:00

My friend Binks I think heat the nail on the head with his interpretation of my latest snake dream.

One thing you must understand is I'm deathly afraid of snakes; both poisonous and harmless.

He said the snakes represent two women in my life. The poisonous snakes represent Violet. Our relationship was nothing but toxic venom in my life.

The harmless snakes represent Sophia. He says that I'm looking forward to hopefully ending up wit her. By why is she represented by a snake? He says my fear of commitment.

I gotta agree, it sounds plausible.

First Post in Many Moons

2009-04-01T00:24:00.002-05:00

I've been so busy lately I really haven't had any down time to myself. I ended up going to Louisiana to gamble and unwind at least for one night.

I think I'm done working overtime for now. Unless my transfer is still being held up. Once it goes through I'll be ineligible to work OT until I'm trained on my new job. And even then who knows when some will come up.

Terry Therapy Sessions X
Last week I had a pretty good therapy session with Terry. Sometimes I question the value of my therapy. Then we hit one out of the park. We really hit on how I've come to grips with my drinking problem and how I'm good at recognizing my triggers.

One night I was tired and bored. I also had been working my ass off and in the process of packing and moving. Also I was a bit disappointed with something. I came home and turned on the TV. I didn't think about drinking. But as the night wore on, I realized that this was the exact situation in which I'd turn to alcohol. I'd just drink to oblivion and consequences be damned. I was rather proud of myself recognizing the situation and not following my old habits.

Terry said that recognizing those triggers is key. Of course they say the same thing in rehab. The problem is having either the will power stop yourself or realizing you are on the path to relapse.

I also told her how guilty I felt when one of my friends was hit by a drunk driver. It was overwhelming and I had nothing to do with it. She said that was a transfer of the guilt because I know I could have been the one hurting others. Even though I had no part of it, I felt the pain inflicted on my friend by another who's behavior mirrored mine. She said that pain I felt was real and in the future it should help me stay on the straight and narrow.

We closed on the subject of my mother (every therapist's dream!). I brought up the incident when my mom lectured me when I told her I went with some friends to play cards. She said the best way to handle it is the way I have in the past. I'm good at drawing boundaries with my mother. I put my foot down when I feel she's crossing a line. This is no different. To empathize some with her because I have blown that trust with her. But she also has to realize I am an adult and still make decisions that don't concern her. I told Terry that if my mother does continue this line with me I will eliminate her from my life. My sobriety is that important to me. I won't call, I won't visit. Nothing. I can't have her building those resentments in me. It's to dangerous. Terry said it probably won't go that extreme but if I do lay down the law my mother will more than likely respect it.

Violet's Piece of Shit Family
I'm not going to elaborate to much. Suffice it to say that of all the siblings, she does the most for her mother. Yet her mom and family insist on talking shit about her. Violet doesn't make a lot of money. She barely gets by. But her mom wanted a sewing maching. Violet saved a little bit each check and bought her one. Her mom didn't like it. She bitched and moaned that it didn't have enough features. Of course, Violet was hurt to her core. I felt bad for her but what can I do?

I can sense the deep depression that's coming on. Her whole family just trashes her. It's very unfair and uncalled for. I called her at work on Monday and she was in tears. She never loses it like that at work. That's the one place she can hold it together, not withstanding the times she's walked out on a job. The first thing I warned her was about leaving her job. I tried to reinforce the feelings she had when she came back from Florida and had no job. I told her to think real hard about that experience. She needs to keep it together. I will not bail her out of any trouble she gets into if she walks on this job.

Rebecca and Her Mother
Mothers seems to be the theme this entry. Rebecca had to return to her country (an eastern European country) to see her mom. She hadn't seen them since 2004. Her mom was hospitalized. I didn't know her condition at the time. I'll probably text Rebecca's daughter and see if she's heard from her.

More Snakes on a Dream
I had another snake dream. Me and Binks were on one of our fishing excersions. He was in a boat and I was in the water fishing. A few snakes swim by and it doesn't bother me. Keep in mind that I absolutely hate snakes. I freeze up when I see one in the wild and I can't kill it. I don't get scared until I see a water mocassin floating in the water. The snake is perfectly still but is waiting for something to float by so he can kill and eat it. I point it out to Binks but I keep fishing. Then several small snakes start swimming by. I'm starting to get a little panicky but I don't leave the water. I see a second cottonmouth laying in wait for its prey. And more snakes. I ask Binks if he sees them and he does. More snakes. It's when I see the third cottonmouth that I decide it's time to go. This time the snake is coming toward me. Last thing I remember is I was neck deep in water making my way to the boat.

That's the third snake dream I've had in recent months. I did a little dream interpretation research. One of the things it symbolizes is change in one's life. Well moving and turning 40 are definitely changes.

Sophia Sighting
I talked to Sophia briefly a week ago. She said she'd call me back. She was in pain and at the chiropractor. She didn't call back that evening. I was kinda put off by that. The thing that I was disappointed about in the trigger I mentioned earlier was Sophia. At that time, I hadn't heard not a peep from her. I had run up the surrender flag and given up on her.

Then Sunday we had a nice talk. One of the things I feared is I had lost her to another man. I didn't ask and I could gather from what she told me that she isn't seeing anyone. After we talked she said she'd like to see me. That was a relief. She explained to me that she works and after work she just goes home and rests and spend a few nights a week with her grown sons. Understandable. She realizes that they will one day move on and momma won't be a priority so she's enjoying it while she still can. But she promised me we would see each other on a weekend.

I was so relieved and happy that we talked. I fear losing her. I now just have to win back her heart.

Well that's it for now. I'm off to bed. Got the profile and photos the dentist has to do in order to get fitted for my invisaline braces.

Good night.

Entering My 5th Decade

2009-03-16T06:11:00.002-05:00

In case you didn't notice, there was a star in the east yesterday to commemorate my birth. I only allow the star to shine multiples of 1o of my birthdate. I did it first at age 10 and thought it was pretty cool. I did it again the next few years but decided I shouldn't show off so much. So I didn't allow the Easter Star to shine again until my 18th birthday. Then again on my 20th and 21st birthdays. Since then I allowed it only on my 30 and 4oth birthdays.

I've been to busy packing, working overtime and walking a fine line going out with Rebecca and Violet. Rebecca knows I run around with Violet but Violet has no idea that I've been hanging out with Rebecca.

Things got interesting between me and old Baby Becs the other night. She had a few drinks and she snuggled up to me as I walked her and her daughter back to thier car after a fun evening. She gives me a nice open mouth kiss before she gets in the car. Minutes later she calls and wants to meet me after she drops off her daughter.

I figured this was going to lead to hot sex. I hesitating a little. I wanted the sex but I didn't want the clingyness of her afterwards. She gets like that. She saved me making a decision by calling me and postponing for another night. I know I'll fuck her. Get enough drinks in her and a trip to the nudie bar and she's good to go.

I'm off to bed. Just worked a graveyard shift overtime. Sleep for a bit, then I have to wake up, call the electric company to turn on the power at my new digs and the cable. Then meet Violet so she can go with me to order the new furniture.

Fuck I thought I was going to have a few days to myself once I started driving again. In a month now I've had two days where I did absolutely nothing. I took a few days off from work next month to try and catch my breath.

I see a visit to the strip club this afternoon for a few lap dances in celebration of my birthday.

2009-03-05T19:33:00.002-06:00

I've had my driver's license back a little more than two weeks now. I can't fucking how busy I've been. I can come and go as I please, eat out and see friends again. And yes I thought about sneaking in a beer but fuck it. Not now.

As I said before the first person I saw was Violet. She's a nutty fucking bitch. I went to visit her again last week at work. She's supposed to go see my new place and help me pick out some furniture. I need a whole new set up. I'm throwing most my shit out. I told her if she were good I'd take her to the rodeo grounds to. Damn rodeo is in town.

The Harpies
I was trolling for sleaze at a local strip club (bad habits die hard) when my phone vibrates. It's Rebecca. She asks me where I'm at (she can hear the stripper music in the background). I tell her where I'm at. She asks me to meet her and we set up the time. We are having a good time. She's drinking and I'm buying. The good thing with her is that she would never pressure me to drink. In fact when the waitress asked me what I'm having Rebecca ordered a Coke for me. Then she threatened to kill me if I had been drinking at the strip club. For the record, I hadn't.

So we are having a good time bullshitting and catching up. She apologized for not coming over more often. I told her to forget about it. Which is true. It's over and done with. I'm not looking at my past. What happened happened. Let's enjoy what life has for us now.

Then came the first whine of the night. She said no matter what we should always have each other in our lives. I agreed. She's a bad girlfriend but a great friend. Well besides me, I think she's the friendless person.

Then she said, alcohol induced I'm guessing,"I thought otherwise when you didn't call me on Valentine's Day." I wracked my brain thinking why are you asking me this. I let it go. I told her the truth. I was working a 16 hour day. Valentine's was the furthest thing from my mind.

Then the fucking Harpies walk in. They used to be friends of ours but I only consider them her friends now. I have no fucking use for them. Their comments and behavior on this night only reinforced the thought.

The music at the place is loud so me and Rebecca are sitting close and in order to hear the other talk. The Manatee With Feet just asked me,"Well I see you're still in love with Becky." I just shot her a dirty look that meant to say it's none of her business. All it did was open the door for more Rebecca whining.

"I'm used to getting flowers from him on Valentine's Day. Nothing this year."

To which Manatee With Feet said to me,"Oh so you are seeing someone else now? Come on tell me, who are you cheating on tonight being out with her."

"No one," is all I said. I felt like saying no one and even if I was it's none of your damn business. And I wanted to ask,"Why are there four of you where there used to be one?" But I didn't.

The Manatee With Feet further aggravated me with her bragging about this guy she was fucking. When Rebecca pointed out that he was married, Manatee With Feet replied how the hell did she know. Rebecca replied that she knew all. Rebecca then told her what a mistake she was making. Manatee With Feet went to lengths to defend herself and saying she knew but he wants her and not his wife. I already couldn't stand the bitch but this makes it worse.

Then the Old Blond Bitch chimes in with,"I'm a man trainer. I understand what she's doing. I can break any man. I'll have him whipped and trained in now time." I was thinking Bitch, I'd put my foot so far up your ass you could taste my shoe. I was just disgusted by these women.

Rebecca could sense I was getting angry. Finally I told her I'm leaving. I had had enough of the two Harpies.

The Great Apartment Search

I turned out great. Most the places I looked at turned out to be owned by the same company. I told renter agent I was working with that I got sick of looking at the same style apartments by the same company. But the one that I did find was fucking awesome. I also was the last one on the list for the day.

I almost thought why bother. It's fucking to nice and probably expensive. It is a little expensive but it's less than the top price I'd put for renting. So I went ahead and put in the application. I'll be moving in to what is probably the nicest place I've ever lived in about three weeks.

I thought what the hell. After all I've been through, all I've put up with and the year without the drivers license that I deserve a beautiful place that would make me happy. It's all part of the new beginning.

I've got more but fuck it. I don't feel like it right now.

Rebecca has been hounding me to go out with her again. What the hell! I'll make her happy. I'll call her tomorrow and set up something for Saturday. Then it's Violet on Sunday. No Sophia yet. Soon. Or maybe not.

Good night,
The Pope

I'm baaackkkk!

2009-02-18T17:12:00.002-06:00

Well in so many words I'm back. Finally after more than a year, I can drive again. First thing I did Tuesday morning was went to the DPS office at 8:00 a.m. sharp and reinstated my drivers license. Then I went home and went back to sleep. Nice life, huh?

I slept until 12:30 in the afternoon then I had to be at my first face to face Terry Therapy session. She has a new office. When I got there the place was locked up. I went to the doctor's office next door and they didn't know who I was talking about. I went to the other door and they looked at me like I was crazy. I didn't have Terry's business card or her phone number in my cell phone so I came home.

I called Terry when I got home. She said sorry, they share an office with some day care that is setting up and I had the right place. So we reset for tomorrow and I know exactly where she's at.

I then drove into Houston to put some coins I had bough on ebay and the U.S. Mint in my safety deposit box. Violet called me. Of course the first person I had planned to see was Rebecca but it ended up I spent the evening with Violet. No fucking, just dinner.

Tomorrow I start the great apartment, townhouse, condo hunt after I see Terry. Wish me luck.

The POPE

Persona Non Grata, Relief and Etc.

2009-02-11T16:07:00.003-06:00

Dee in Tampa is officially persona non grata in my life. I love her dearly as a friend but she's isolated herself with her new boyfriend. I'm not going to play with that shit again. A little background. Many many moons ago she disappeared on me when she started dating some goofball. Then she comes back. I'm fine with that. She swore to me she'd never do that again. The oath has been broken. I take such things serious. Even if she were to return I won't be to friendly to her. As you can tell I sometimes hold grudges. I still do with her. Her undoing started with the night she called me and told me she was in love with me. I needed that like I needed another orifice in my ass. It's just been downhill ever since. She accuses me of being cold as ice. She ain't seen nothing yet. Good bye, persona non grata.

A sense of relief has come over me. It's actually going to happen. I'll be driving again in a few days. Tuesday Feb. 17th to be exact. DPS has all the necessary paperwork. Only problem is Monday is a holiday so I can't get reinstated until Tuesday. No big deal. I waited a year. What's one more day? As long as I have toilet paper I'm in good shape.

That Tuesday I have my first face to face Terry Therapy session in a long time. She'd been kind enough to do the sessions over the phone due to lack of transportation. Then on Wednesday it's a visit to my shrink in the late morning and then with the cunt bitch whore counselor that work assigned me.

Then I think I may head out to Louisiana for two nights. I need my gambling fix. Bad. Then upon my return on Saturday I'll be playing poker with the best buds. Then the search for a new apartment becomes priority one.

Sorry Sophia. You're priority 1-A. That's a whole different story for another day.

Rebecca called me last night. Drunk. Don't ever let it be said that women don't drunk dial. It's not just a guy thing. I know she's bored and lonely. She asked me when I'm going to see her. I told her soon enough. We'll go to dinner or something.

Violet is the one that is real happy I'll be mobile soon. Yes, I will spend some time with her but a man has to move on. If I still have a chance with Sophia I'm not going to sacrifice Sophia to feed Violet's depression and angst. I have to much to lose with Sophia and nothing to gain with Violet.

I promise I'll get to the Binks emails about Pointdexter next time around.

Adieu,
The Pope has to do his own laundry.

A Work Blog

2009-02-10T22:21:00.002-06:00

I don't write to much about work. I should cause sometimes there is good stuff going on there in this little melodrama of mine.

The new guy that doesn't know how to shut the fuck up is out sick. Thank God. I hate that son of a bitch and his twat of a wife. I have never met someone who whines and cries so much. One night he's bitching and moaning cause there is to much work. The next night he's bitching and moaning that it's to slow. I almost, but I didn't, tell him to shut the fuck up and never speak to me again. I didn't though. I regret it. For anonymity's sake I'll call him the Wolfman. Why because of his first name. I can't tell you everything though.

The latest with Wolfman is that he's a hacking, coughing son of a bitch. He coughs constantly and then pukes in the trashcan. It was starting to piss me off royally. The last thing I want is to catch what ever To Tall has. Others complained cause they wouldn't know what to do if he keeled over. I did. I'd step around him and call the EMTs. What's the problem?

I finally had enough of it. In one of my sit downs with my supervisor as a union rep, I brought up the Wolfman. She told me others had complained to. That they were worried about his health. I told her I really didn't care about his health. I didn't want him spreading whatever plague he has to me or others. He shouldn't be out there until he's healthy. She also let a few things out of the bag that I didn't know about. I'll just say that the mother fucker is sneakier than people think. He had volunteered to work the night shift but told everyone he was moved by management. He volunteered so management wouldn't hear his constant near pulmonary meltdown. ASSHOLE.

One thing that gets under my skin about my coworkers is the constant bitching. I haven't met a group of people that likes to bitch so much. They bitch like a bunch of teenage girls going through their period wondering why the boyfriend won't call. It was so bad the other night that I wanted to scream,"Look fuckers. The economy is supposedly in shambles. We just got a new fucking contract. We aren't going any where. Be happy we have jobs and make top dollar." But I didn't. Like not yelling at the Wolfman, I regret I didn't.

To top it off, not only do they like to bitch but for the most part they are lazy to. Which brings me to the topic of the persecuted black man I work with. This guy is one of the laziest coworkers I have. He'll hide shit at the beginning of the shift and then pull it back out at the end to make it seem like the samples just came in and leave it for the next shift. Or he'll just flat out leave shit for the next shift to do. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed. He forgets we can check on the computer to see what time the samples came into the lab. He gets away with it cause no one calls him on it. When somebody does and management gets on it, he turns into the persecuted black man. He claims they are racists and on and on. Management has no balls to call him to the carpet on his bullshit. It just pisses me off.

As a union steward I'm conflicted. I don't want to come down on him because I'd be selling a fellow union member out. At the same time he's fucking over his fellow union employees. I really do want him out of there but at the same time I don't want to be the one that takes him out. It's not a pleasant decision to make.

Oh well, that's my little work bitch session.

The Pope has some lesbian porn to watch. For educational purposes only. I want to see how women do it when they have no "thingies."

Soon

2009-02-07T16:33:00.003-06:00

Soon I will return to the living. I've considered myself dead to the world in a way. Can't drive any where. The only places I went, besides football games, were the places required by probation and the bitch cunt work counselor.

A week from Monday I should have my drivers license back. It first I was going ape shit with cabin fever. I was antsy about getting it. Restless. Now I'm pretty calm about it. I've sent DPS all the necessary paper work. They told me it takes 2-3 weeks to process it. I'm not sure what the fuck that means. They've been sitting on the paper work for over a week now. I asked will it be ready by Feb. 16th. The idiot on the phone said I was pushing it. Pushing what. It's a simple question. What are the odds of it being in. 2-3 weeks is all he can say. A good sign this morning though. I was looking at my bank statement online and they've cashed the check. I'm guess it's a week before they type that in to their little computers. I'll call this Friday (or Thursday) to see if it's all in order to go to the office to pick up my shit on the next Monday.

I don't know why I'm worried. I'm just wired that way. Worse case scenario is I have to wait a few days.

The first two days I get back driving I have a couple of doctors appointments. Then I have two free days. I think a gambling junket to Louisiana is in order. A little celebration. After that I have a poker game. Some buddies I haven't seen in over two years, some more, are getting together. I'm really looking forward to that.

Some of those guys are my best friends in the world. Despite that, I couldn't bring myself to tell them all the shit that went down over the last year and a half with me. Instead I've just been making excuses in order to stay away from them. It's not that they wouldn't help me out or be there for me. It's more that I'm embarrassed and in a way feel like I let them down. They helped me out so much before when I had my second DWI. It's almost like letting my parents down. So I chose not to tell them.

I've got more but I'll save it for a later post. I had a funny email exchange with Binks (I nicknamed him after the Bloom County character he looks like, Binkley). He had a Jerry Seinfeld moment. Some works stuff and something I'm grateful for will probably be posted next time.

As a reminder, next time you see the woman you love, tell her she's got the whitest teeth you've ever come across.

Good night,
His Eminence JPIII

Dee in Tampa's Drama, Violet and Nephew Update

2009-02-02T15:12:00.005-06:00

I knew fucking Dee in Tampa was heading to some kind of drama.

A brief synopsis of what's going on.

After my rebuff of her love, she started hanging around a coworker who is about 100 years old. Then one night they had sex. Dee is now in a relationship. Her coworker is going through a divorce. He has two kids. One kid is a young teen and the other is 20.

I warned her before hand, stay away from anyone going through a divorce if you are looking for a relationship. It's bad news. If you both are just fucking that's one thing. Relationship would be bad news.

So Dee does what she normally does. She doesn't listen to my sage advice. Instead she chooses to do the same thing she always does. Instead of slowly nurturing a relationship, she moves all her chips to the center of the table and goes all in. I think they've been dating since around October of last year.

Now she's complaining about the kids. The 20 year old is a slacker who doesn't work or go to school. Worse, he ate all the food she takes over for her weekends there. I forgot where her complaint was for the other one. I tuned her out immediately.

I reiterated my earlier warning. She claims he lets the kids get away with anything they want. I stepped up my warning. I told her how a woman interacts with her kids is a major indicator of how she is as a person. When she described all the things he did, I told her not only were those warning signs of weakness but they were red flags to me. Not only would I step back but I would probably move on. I'd rather be alone than deal with someone's baggage while going through a divorce.

Then she goes on to bitch about him. He's drinking to much, eating to much and his health is going to shit. I'm like hello. I warned you about the divorce and he's a 100. Then she reveals that he hasn't even gone to start the divorce process. He was served but hasn't responded. I flat out told her that she needed to spend less time with this guy. There are better candidates out there. She didn't directly tell me but I gather she just got tired of being alone. To me it's not worth the price.

I've decided that when things go wrong I'm not going to give two rat's asses about it. I warned her. I told her it was a bad idea. Yeah, I know, she helped me out massively by listening to me when things went south for me. She was my strongest shoulder to lean on.

What I've never revealed is that she warned me if I did certain things she'd pull the plug on our friendship. She said if I ever got back with Violet she'd have do distance herself from me. At the time I didn't know why she took that stance but later it's cause her feelings for me.

That's her business but I don't put conditions on my friendships. She obviously has. It's a two way street baby. I warned her about this situation she got in. I knew it had the potential for disaster. If it blows up, guess what? Not only will I say told you so but I won't be sympathetic to your plight.

As it is, I already have started not logging on instant messenger to avoid her. She talks a big game but when it comes time to following her own advise she fucks up. Our friendship was already hanging on a thread after her August confession. This just maybe the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Quick Violet and Nephew Update
Violet finally got her results back from the follow up to her mammogram. It's only a cyst and not cancer. They still want to remove the cyst. Right now they need to determine to use medicine or surgery. How good am I at this Pope business? I told her it wasn't cancer. I was right. Like Dee, Violet doesn't realize how close to the edge she is with me. She's still a friend but there is some shit she just needs to quit if she wants me to stay friends with her. I won't get into it now cause it deserves its own post.

Same with my nephew. The doc finally got what it was. Mono.

If you need a prayer from the Pope, just send me $50 and I'll put in a good word for you with the Guy upstairs. We tight.

Look! I'm actually updating frequently! And no hands too!

2009-01-26T12:50:00.002-06:00

I exchanged text messages with my sister last night. She updated me on my nephew's condition. The docs think it's viral infection. My sister takes him for a follow up tomorrow. Like I had been saying all along, it would be nothing serious. Hey I'm the Pope. I know these things.

I tell Violet the same thing. Well, not the Pope part. She thinks I'm weird enough as it is. Like a few weeks ago we were at the mall and she pointed out some Indian people. We laugh cause when she first saw me she thought I was Indian (of the Hindu variety). I went into character and used my Hindi accent. She just looked at me and called me weird. I love it!

I've been off work since Saturday. I don't go back until Wednesday. Wonderful thing called shift work. I really don't mind it. I get tons of time off. If I were to work no overtime, I literally have half the year off. But I always end up working a shit load of overtime cause I like making even shitloads more money than I make now.

Anyway, I touch on the work subject because there is the remote chance I might get transferred by this summer. Do I want to go? No and yes. No cause I'm happy where I'm at and I pretty much get to do anything I want. I definitely get away with a lot of stuff on the nights and weekend shifts. I get to read, do personal things like pay bills and even take movies and video games to work. On the other hand I do want to get forced to transfer. In being forced to another department, I keep my departmental seniority. If I volunteer I keep my plant seniority but lose my departmental. Plant seniority is the important one. That's how they determine layoffs. Departmental seniority determines things like who gets moved around and who gets preferred shifts.

So back to my potential move. By keeping my departmental seniority at the new place, I'll be like four or five retirements or deaths from a straight day job. I'd still be working the four on four off schedule but no longer nights. I'd prefer to go to a straight night job but those don't exist. The only reason I'll go straight day is so I can straighten out my sleep patterns. For the first eight years I could switch back and forth like nothing. Now it's a bitch. I'm a night owl so I adjust easily to nights. At least now that I've been diagnosed with sleep apnea and use a CPAP I'm no longer falling over at my desk sleeping.

And now for a the introduction of a new character to my little melodrama here. I'll call him Pointdexter. That's as close to his real nickname I can get without revealing who he. You know me, I'm striving for total anonymity here.

I've been good friends with Pointdexter since sixth grade. He earned the nickname way back then and it stuck. To this day we still call him that. Check my cell phone and it has Pointdexter on my contact list.

Anyway, I hadn't mentioned him before cause, well, there isn't much to mention about him. His divorce could make for good drama but that's a year stale. No, I mention him now cause the mother fucker loves to text message. I text message most of my friends. It's fun and it's a good way to pass the time while at work. This dude though writes Phd dissertations with his texts. If I hear my phone beep more than once I know it's him and his novel texting. I gets to the point where I either ignore him or tell him I'm with Violet or William. Or that I'm busy at work. Our frined Binks says me and Pointdexter have a regular bromance going. I told Binks that whatever he does don't give Pointdexter his cell number. He said don't worry. I won't since I'm Bink's best friend and I don't have his cell.

Pontdexter makes an interesting entrance here I think. While he's quiet now, he'll drum up some drama later. And that all is good for this little melodrama of mine.

Looks like Dee in Tampa is getting ready to wind up with some new drama. I'm online with her right now and we are chatting about her current boyfriend situation.

Finally a word on the Pope. I get my license restored in exactly three weeks. Three fucking weeks. I'm going insane with anticipation. I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas. You know it's coming, you know exactly when it will be there, the presents are under the tree but you just can't fucking touch them. I know soon enough it will be over.

All right, there's a sandwich or some other food with my name on it some where in the Papal kitchen.

Signing off,
Pope John Paul III

More Unluckyness for Violet, Nephew Update

2009-01-23T16:45:00.003-06:00

Well it doesn't ever get any better for Violet. She had a doctor's appointment yesterday. The doc told her that she found something in the mammogram. She's sending Violet to have another one done just to make sure and also have a sonogram done. Violet is very scared. I don't blame her. I'm scared for her. I told her she needed to stay strong and keep her faith. I'm praying for her hard that it's nothing major. If it turns out to be worse I told her to be strong and hang in there. I'll be driving again soon and I'll what I can for her. I'm trying not to think of that though.

It appears my six year old nephew will be fine. The tests came back that it's more than likely some kind of infection. The indicator for cancer were low. His doctor consulted with three pathologists and they came to the same conclusion. They will run some follow up tests next week and he will again consult the three pathologists just as a precaution.

I'm so relieved.

Good night, my day is just starting,
The Pope

Terry Therapy Session XIII, Other Stuff

2009-01-22T06:22:00.002-06:00

Terry Therapy Sessions XIII
It's been over two weeks since the actual session. I usually write something the day of or after the session. So I really can't remember much of what we talked about.

I know we talked about the upcoming changes in my life. The impending move, the reinstatement of my drivers license and finding new and interesting ways to stay sober.

At the end of the session she proclaimed me officially done. She told me I pretty much had my shit together and sounded like I had a solid plan in place.

She said that we could continue sessions if I wanted to. I said yes immediately. Terry helps me talk through and process ideas and my life in general. It's something all my wonderful rehab classes stress. Find a way to cope and process before I relapse. Since I hate those fucking rehab groups and AA meetings, Terry is my coping tool.

Plus right now I'm cooped up in my apartment. I can't go anywhere easily. Once I'm out and about again I'm sure I will need my therapist again. I'm sure issues will pop up. I know issues will arise. Maybe not drinking but life is out there waiting for me and I need help to learn how to cope. I can't easily walk away from my therapy since I trust her so much and she's helped me this far. So I look forward to more Terry Therapy.

New Year Celebrations
I did exactly nothing for New Years. I thought about hitting a strip club or looking for something local. I thought what the hell. I won't go out and drink. I just had a need to be around people. Then I go lazy, turned on the TV, watched Dick Clark slur his speech and went to sleep.

I thought about calling Rebecca and us going out. She's kind of a New Year's habit. Even last year we both thought about asking the other out but neither of us acted on it. This year I thought she would be with her worthless ex-boyfriend; the disbarred lawyer, the idiot she dated before me. To my surprised she didn't. I thought she spent both Christmas and New Years with him. He's just her fall back. She ended up spending both holidays with her ex-husband, his wife and her daughter. I thought that if she didn't spend it with dipshit she'd have some date. I'm surprised she didn't.

Unlucky in Life
The other ex, Violet, is just one chain reaction of bad luck. I have no idea on where I left off on her story since my last blog. I guess I could go look it up but I won't. In brief, her kidney infection has gotten worse. The good news is her insurance from her job has kicked in. So she's no longer getting gouged on medication. It's unbelievable what they charge the uninsured for medication. Anyway, the infection didn't respond to some of the meds they gave her so she was hospitalized. She's now on stronger meds and has to go weekly to the doctor for six months. She told her that if she didn't keep up with the follow up visits and meds that she will end up in the hospital again and things will only get worse.

I hope it sinks it. Violet called me the other day and said she didn't feel much better. I stressed to her that it has only been a week since she's been on the intense program. It needs time. I told her not to get discouraged. I also told her to bring up her depression with her doctor. It's very important that she gets medication for it. I told her not to get discouraged with depression medication to. That what ever she's prescribed it will more than likely take about three weeks to kick in fully. I haven't talked to her in a couple of days so I should hear from her today.

Sophia
Nothing much to report on that front. I called her on New Years Day and wished her well. We talked briefly. I told her that I will be getting my license back soon and I hoped to see her soon. She said she's looking forward to seeing me to.

I'm still clinging to some hope that we may end up together. We were headed that way until I fucked up and ended up with drunk driving conviction. I know the bullshit, if it was meant to be it will happen. Whatever....stick that bullshit where the sun doesn't shine.

Family Front
I haven't written much about my family lately. Mainly because I'm turning back into my usual grouch of a person. I didn't talk to them on New Years and only had a brief ten second call to my mom on Christmas.

So the only news I have is from my two favorite nephews. The first is good news. My brother's second kid called me to tell me he's getting married. It's not a surprise since they've been dating for about two or three years. I told him as long as there's not a home football game I'll be at the wedding. People think I'm joking. I'm not. I asked my mom if his girlfriend is a Bigfoot. My mom asked why? I said cause like the Yeti, I always hear about her but I've never seen her. I won't believe it until I see her. As far as I'm concerned, his fiance, the Yeti, the Easter Bunny and Santa are all the same person.

The other is scary news. My sister's six year old has two lumps in his neck and one under his armpit. It has us all scared. He's been to the doctor. At first the doctor said just to observe it for two weeks. Now my nephew is starting to undergo testing to try and figure out what's going on. Mumps and mono have been ruled out. It may be a viral infection. It may be worse but I tell my mom and my sister not to think about that. We'll deal with it if it gets worse. But right now they follow doctor's orders and pray for the best. I seriously doubt it's anything to serious. I, of course, can't convey that feeling to my mom and sister. They are both near hysterics and I'm sure my brother-in-law is to. I really think the kid will be okay.

Snakes on a Dream
I've had two really vivid dreams over the last few night/days.

The snake one was the first two nights ago. There is more to it but I can't remember it. What I do remember is very vivid and in bright realistic color. I'm standing over an large aquarium and I see a snake hidden under decorative fallen log. A fish is swimming closer to the log. As the fish gets closer, the snake moves his head into position to strike if the fish gets close enough. The fish gets in range and the snake nabs it at a blur. Then the snake starts to coil around the fish like a boa constrictor and eventually starts to eat the fish.

Then a really bizarre thing happens. I watch almost the same sequence of events. This time though I'm watching from the other side of the aquarium and below the water line.

The second dream was yesterday after I had worked the night shift. In the dream I don't know where I'm at. I'm not sure if I'm in a building, parking garage or a cave. Off in the distance is the entrance to where I'm at. Suddenly the bottom starts to fall out and the entrance seems further away. I start running up an incline to get to the opening. It seems to be a cave in or an earthquake but something causes where I'm at to shift. When I get to the entrance I find it so small I can't fit through it. There are at least two other people trapped in there with me. I look outside where I see and hear people moving around. I don't know if they are trying to rescue us or have no clue. I yell out and one person waves to acknowledge they heard me. I still have no clue about a rescue though.

Me and the others start to walk away from the opening. I'm not sure if we are looking for another way out. The ground begins to move and shake again. I start running back to the entrance hoping that it opens enough for me to run out. No luck. I still can't fit through. Anxiety and desperation start to set it. I feel completely helpless.

Then I wake up. It was a relief to wake up in my bed. When I finally get my wits about me I realize how realistic the dream was. I had been genuinely scared and desperate when I woke up. I felt like a big burden had been lifted or I had been spared something horrible by waking up.

I don't believe in dream interpretation but I think there is something squirrelly going on. I dream goofy realistic dreams before. This time though I think something is different. I've googled dreams and the dreams I've had. Snakes in dreams mean so many things I can't even think what they mean in mine. I can't find anything on cave in dreams yet.

Oh well, I'm getting sleepy. I do like working nights instead of days. I sleep better. I'm going to go watch the new episode of Lost. One of the few TV shows I enjoy.

Good night.

Merry Christmas? Up Yours!

2008-12-27T18:26:00.001-06:00

I didn't celebrate Christmas this year. Not sure if I celebrated last year. Don't care. I don't celebrate Christmas. This year I made a total mockery of it.

I did my usual Hanukkah candle ceremony for the first few nights. Then I blew that off. I stuck with the Festivus theme instead. I even made a Festivus Card from one I found of George Costanza. I emailed it to most my friends and the one relative who sent me a Christmas card. I wonder how that went over with my religious family? I really don't care.

Christmas means nothing to me. It was a pagan holiday that the early Christian church took for itself. The actual day has nothing to do with the birth of Christ. It has everything to do with the winter solstice and sun worship.

I laugh at my friends who think it's the birth of Christ. It couldn't be further than the truth. Let them believe what they want. I want no part of the false holiday any more.

How I acknowledge God and Christ is my business and I definitely don't think Christmas is the way to do it. I think I would respect Christians more if churches and Christians could explain the true origins of Christmas. The church won't tell the truth. Big surprise there.

So I hope everybody had a Happy Festivus For the Rest of Us!

2008-12-24T12:18:00.005-06:00

I swear if it wasn't for bad luck Violet would have no luck at all.

I was getting a bit pissed at her. I called her a couple of times since last week and she hadn't called back. That's usually a sign that something is wrong with her. I called her last night and told her to call me when she had time. What I didn't tell her is that I wasn't going to call her again. I get tired of her little games and only being a convenience to her.

Like a bad habit she comes back. This time with her latest tell of woe. Saturday after work she went to the bank and withdrew money for bills, her mom and Christmas gifts for her son. When she got home, she lives with her sister, someone assaulted her at the doorway. He took all her money, purse, phone and jewelery. The cops speculated he followed her from the bank. They also said she was lucky he didn't kill her. They said the way the robber hit her head against the brick wall was more than likely cause he was trying to kill her. They brought some suspects they had in custody but none of them were the robber.

The paramedics examined her but didn't take her to the hospital. Then sometime later, either that night or the next, Violet passed out five times. Her sister called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. No internal injuries but the doctors told her she needed to eat, she's diabetic and she needs to quit her job and find a new one.

I agree that she needs to find a new job. She currently works for a payday loan company. She's in the office by herself most of the time. There is no security. There is also nothing between the customer and her when they are doing a loan. I've been in pawn shops and similar places. Many, not all though, have either a metal cage or a thick bullet proof glass. Her place has nothing. Recently someone who works for her company was murdered during a store robbery. It's not a good situation at all.

As much as a friend she is and as much as I care for her, I won't do anything for her anymore. I can't. If I want to keep my sanity and mental health in order I can't help her. I can listen and be a friend but not more than that. I can't give her money like I did to help her out of tight places. I can't offer her a place to live anymore.

I can't do all that stuff for her anymore. She never appreciated it in our time together as a couple. Only years later does she appreciate it but the ship has sailed.

I also can't do it because it's all part of moving on with my life that I've been working on with my therapist. It's all my idea but I'm talking and working it out with Terry.

So I can pray for Violet. I can be her friend. I can listen to her problems. I can do many things for her but I can't solve her problems for her anymore. She needs to learn how to stand on her own.

A few other topics on going with my life.

First, the move is still on target. While I still have my back up apartment on stand by, I've received some new places to look at. Some of them are down right bad ass and in the price range I want. Others are too small for the price. I can't make a decision until I see the places and the final rent but I'm still some what on the hunt. Even though I probably won't get a chance until the new year.

On the friend front, other than Violet's latest drama, everything else is pretty quiet. Not to say nothing is going on cause I'm sure something is happening. I just don't know about it.

Dee in Tampa has virtually disappeared. That's how she gets when she's seeing someone. She doesn't know how to take things slow. She goes all in. It's why she gets so crushed when things don't work out. At the same time, I'm glad she found someone else so she won't bother me anymore about us getting together. I'm still a little pissed but I shouldn't be.

On the work front everything is okay. The Jolly White Giant I hate so much is out sick again. He made it a few days before leaving in the middle of the shift on our last night. How convenient that he's sick during the holidays. I swear that son of a bitch doesn't know personal bounds. I've lashed out at him harshly when he crosses those bounds and will continue to do so.

So the goal last night at work was to make it through the end of the shift without someone calling in sick. This year I'm due to be off Christmas and New Years holidays. Someone always calls in on the shifts that are supposed to work. They have no conscience or regard for those of us who will be forced to work to fill in for them over the days we should have off. Sure enough, at 4:30 a.m. someone called in sick. Fortunately one of my coworkers figured out a schedule whereby no one has is forced to work any overtime. The on duty supervisor approved the improvised schedule and we got out of there without anyone else calling in sick.

I was going to volunteer to work some of the overtime just cause I wanted the money and holiday pay. It's about double time if I work on Christmas and Christmas Eve. As my off days approached I decided against it. I was finishing up a run of seven straight 12 hour night shifts. Enough is enough. I want to be off.

As for my Christmas celebrations, I plan none. It will be like any other day. I'll sleep late, make breakfast and piddle around the apartment. My mom asked me if I was coming over and I told her no. I told her don't plan on seeing me until sometime in February once I get my license back. I'm in no mood for flying or bus riding for the holidays. So each night I just light my ceremonial Hanukkah candles and that's it.

I'm sure there is more I can rant, rave, bitch and moan about but I think that's enough writing therapy for one day.

Up Yours,
The Pope

Up Yours, Christmas!

2008-12-14T00:29:00.002-06:00

I really don't celebrate Christmas anymore. Hell, I don't celebrate many holidays anymore. Why? Cause they mean nothing to me. Christmas used to be a time for family and get togethers. I really don't care about those things anymore. My idea of spending time with my family is not going during the holidays. I just spend time with the immediate family and that's it.

I do the one obligatory family function once a year. That's it though. This year I didn't even do that. I'm glad I didn't either. The entire extended family started getting celebrating on a Tuesday and didn't end until Saturday. That's way to much family for me. And I know if I had been there I would have been sick of it by Wednesday and really pissed by Friday and a total pain in the ass by the big family get together on Saturday. I'm just not a very nice person sometimes.

A few people at work I've already told I don't celebrate Christmas anymore. When asked why I just say,"No reason. Just doesn't mean anything to me anymore." After my announcement, my coworker was saying something about Christmas. I looked at him and said,"Christmas. What is this holiday you speak of?" He lost it. He couldn't stop laughing.

So we get to the new transfer asshole again. He has for the most part back off me. I had to work with the dysfunctional new transfer. Company policy seems to dictate that if you are hurt outside or to sick to work outside, then the labs will take you. So what we get aren't exactly the prizes or cream of the employee crop.

I said how I lashed out at him when he followed me out on break and my mouth off to him. I did it again but not as vicious. After he said something about Christmas, I tell him,"Christmas. What is this holiday you speak of?" And he takes me serious. He tells me that it will take some time to explain. How about on a graveyard shift or on Sunday. I replied with no,"I do not celebrate Christmas. And I really don't want to hear about it." And turned and walked away.

I just can't behave it work.

Just a little update on my life and a small tale

2008-12-10T17:18:00.005-06:00

Yesterday Violet came by and took me to the new place I'm going to move to. It was raining like Hoover Dam just busted. I wanted to put in an application and put whatever fees required for the apartment. I'm a few weeks to early. The require sixty notice and will have an idea of what's available in February by the end of this month. Great. I have enough difficulty getting someone to take me. Fortunately the salesman told me I can do the whole process online. I can even check daily for updated availability of apartments. How cool is that? I really shouldn't be amazed about what you can do on the internet but I still am sometimes.

After that we went to lunch at one of my favorite places. My mind kept drifting back to Rebecca. I don't want to get back with her. It's just that I got so used to having her around the four years we were together. In spite of the way things ended, I still miss being around her. We really did have great times together. I think I miss the companionship more than anything. It's frustrating at times. It didn't help that me and Violet were having lunch at a place me and Rebecca always used to hang out and eat at.

The other thing I don't understand about Rebecca is her hanging around with the guy she dated before me. This guy is pretty much worthless. I don't know if they are back together and I really don't care. I just bugs me cause I was 200 times better than this idiot. She tell me as much too. She calls her ex a "fucking idiot" and "fucking moron" with "fucking moron" her favorite. Let me just put it this way. He's a lawyer who that disbarred for stealing clients money. The way I understand it is he'll never be able to practice law again.

I got off track there. In some ways me and Rebecca are to much alike. We are both some what of loners. We both have a small circle of friends and don't stray to far beyond it. I know she's dated since we broke up and later I find out while we were together. So I know she meets people. And like me these things don't last long. I have these little flings that are pretty worthless and a waste of time. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Like I say, I do miss her and the companionship but I also remember that this relationship ended abruptly, fell over a cliff and smashed on the rocks below.

A Tale of Rebecca, Violet and Sophia
I don't know where this came from but it's been on my mind the last few days. I think it's a sign that a) I'm bored b) I'm lonely and c) I'm getting antsy about getting mobile again.

Rollback to around August or September of 2006. I'm just bored watching TV and more than likely drinking. My cell phone rings and I don't recognized the number. I answer and it's a voice from the past. Violet. I hadn't heard from her in at least three years. I'm in the midst of one of my depressions. I think I was getting suspicions of Rebecca running around but I didn't want to face up to the issue just yet. You know, if you ignore it then it can't be happening or it will go away. This is one of my bad depressions where I'm pretty much incapacitated. I can't eat, sleep and when I'm off from work I won't go anywhere. I'm pretty useless.

Well about a month into her call from beyond, Violet starts asking me to go visit her. I'm so depressed that I tell her I'm in no mood for it. She's insisting and insisting. I tell her no. She finally comes out with it. She says do I know why she's calling me and wants to see me? I haven't a clue. She insists do you really not know? I tell her I'm in no mood for this. Spit it out or leave me alone. She tells me she wants to get back together. This is really what I need. I told her you know I'm with Rebecca. She says yes. I could be knocked over with a feather. She says to take my time and think about it. I do. I think over night. I call the next day and tell her no. I can't do it. Anyway, she wants me to still go visit. I go, fuck her and come home a happy man. No regrets about fucking her, no guilt associated with the deed. Why? I'll get to that later.

Fast forward to March 2007. It's all in a haze of when I first met Sophia. I think it was in December of 2006. I'm pretty sure it was. Anyway about March 2007 I'm really starting to hang around with her a lot. Of course, Rebecca doesn't know any of this. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm really starting to fall for Sophia. We made out and mess around a lot but never had sex. Yes I have seen every body part of hers. Then the guilt and depression sets in.

One day several months later, I think before my August 2007 DWI fall or maybe after, I told Dee about this whole scenario. All I remember for sure is that it was before her August 2008 confession. She asked me why the guilt feelings with Sophia but not Violet. I told her that's easy. I can be cold and heartless sometimes. I knew I wasn't going to end up with Violet and I could have sex with her and not have the guilt feelings. With Sophia, on the other hand, I had genuine feelings. I could have left Rebecca for her. It caused mass confusion and depression soon followed by guilt. Had I not had genuine feelings for Sophia then I wouldn't give two flips about fucking her or messing around with her.

So anyway, that's just a little tale I thought I'd probably rehash for no other reason than I've been going over it in my mind lately.

Oy vey (Yeah, I know it's not a latin or Pope expression but Jews are God's children too),
PJP3

Terry Therapy Sessions XII

2008-12-04T16:12:00.002-06:00

Nothing ground breaking as usual. Most of the therapy session was reinforcing what I've accomplished in staying sober.

I like the way our sessions start. More of a bullshit session for about the first ten minutes or so.

Then we got into the session. She asked me if I went home for Thanksgiving. No, I had to work. She asked me if any drama from my brother's wife. None that I heard of.

She then asked me about any urges about drinking. I told her I did have the thoughts when I'm at football games. But the thoughts pass right away. I tell myself what the hell am I thinking? I then put the thought out of my head and continue to enjoy the games. She said that I was developing the right thought processes to help keep myself sober.

Then the topic of AA came up. I told her, which is true, that I attend about three or four meetings a month. I'm supposed to go to two a week but AA just isn't for me. We discussed how AA can be a tool for me but I don't have to immerse myself in the 12 steps. If what I'm doing is working for me then that's good enough.

I told her about the meeting I like to go to when I'm in Houston. It's great. It's at a rehab place and it's predominately black. Sometimes the meetings turn more into a Christian revival atmosphere. People yell out,"Tell it, brother" or "Yessir, that's the way it is" and other similar phrases. Once I get my license back I plan on attending those meetings but it won't be my home group. I told her I'm looking for a new group because the local one where I'm at isn't really worth a flip.

She says, and I've heard and agree with, that it is important to find a home group where I fit in and works with my personality. That doesn't mean I have to be locked into that group. Instead it will serve as a base in case I really do find myself on the brink. I can go to people in my own home group and trust them since I've come to know them. Also to make friends that I can interact socially with and not have to worry about drinking.

She also said,"Who knows? Maybe you'll meet the love of your life in a group. Someone who is sober and strong and has walked the path that you have." The thought has crossed my mind. It would be something if I could find someone who has been sober a significant amount of time and a relationship develops. No I'm not giving up on Sophia just yet.

I then started talking about my plans once I get my drivers license back. Number one on the list is getting the hell away from this crappy shit hole of a city that I live in. No one has had the time to take me looking for apartments so I'm going to have to move to my back up place. Terry asked if I was just settling or was it a place I liked. I told her it was where I was going to move initially before I got my DWI charge.

Also touched on how I'm trying to improve my health that I've neglected all the years I've been drinking. I said I'm going to be 40 and need to start taking care of myself. I have the mental aspect down with the medications that help with my depression. I haven't had an episode since June. I'm now going after the physical aspects. My cholesterol count was high for the third year in a row. Diet hadn't been getting it done so the doctor finally relented and put me on medication to bring it down. Next is my dental health. I had started working on my teeth back in 2006 but let it go to the wayside. I finally went back and had one root canal done and will be getting the invisaline mouth piece to straighten my upper teeth. Then after the year that will take I will start working on fixing my chipped teeth from long ago drunken dancing fall.

I told Terry that come February 15, 2009 I'm putting it all behind me. The drinking, the bad relationships, the shithole place I live in and just starting the new chapter in my life. She laughed as said it was a great attitude to have. Moving on and leaving the garbage behind along with taking physical care of myself was a great way to view the future. I told her part of it was self esteem issues. So by taking care of not only my mental put appearance to it is helping with the self image.

Finally we touched on one more subject. My new coworker whom I cannot stand. I'm not going to delve to deep into the subject. Suffice it to say he knows no personal boundaries and doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. He asks to many personal questions and tell to much of his personal life and marital problems. It's just highly inappropriate since his wife is a supervisor out there and I know her. I really don't need to know this. Well, I told Terry that I finally got really sick of him and lashed out with a very ugly joke. He didn't take to it well. To be honest, it didn't bother me what I said. Put in the same situation I'd probably do it again. What I asked Terry is why do I lash out like that? She really didn't have an answer. She did say that I was correct in telling him to back off but I need to find more civil ways of handling those situations. Next time just tell him,"Look man, back off. Your crossing lines I don't want to discuss. You invading my personal space." To be firm and state my exact position on his intrusions. I'll try but I can't promise anything.

Until Next time.....Semper Fidelis (I know it's not a Pope thing but it's Latin and that's close enough for me...)
Signing off from a Shithole city in Texas,
Pope John Paul III

Terry Therapy Sessions XI

2008-11-15T00:02:00.003-06:00

I didn't write an entry after my last Terry Therapy Session. It's been so long I've just skipped over it and moved on to Terry Therapy Session XI

We opened the session about talking about my sister in law. Not so much that I have a problem with her anymore. I just can't stand the bitch. I've just learned to ignore her but put my foot down when the twat crosses the line with me.

The latest sister-in-law drama was that she tried to ruin my mom's dinner plans. Since me and my sister aren't going to in town for Thanskgiving, my mom decided to take us all to dinner. My sister-in-law called my mom and tried to cancel plans. My sister-in-law has control issues. She was upset that my brother was doing work at my mom's house. To make a long story short, she said that my mother should have checked with her blah blah blah. My mom and her got into a fight over the phone but we ended up going to dinner.

I told Terry about other disruptive events my sister-in-law caused. Terry noticed a theme developing. My bitch-in-law's trouble starting is always around the holidays. Terry thinks that the bitch has issues and problems that are triggered by the holidays. Probably something that happened as a kid. Whatever, it's her problem. Just interesting to get some insight in to the bitch's issues.

Other than that we just talked about me in general. No big points really.

I brought up that I'm getting antsy about my driving suspension coming to an end. I'm getting the itchy legs and am tired of being cooped up in my apartment. The closer the end comes the longer it seems to take. She said all I can do is find ways to kill time. I've made it nine months. Three fourths of the way there. Three months will come to an end soon. I know. My counter says two months, twenty eight days.

I told her one of the main reasons I wanted to move was to get away from the extreme boredom I live in. I told her many of the times I sat at home drinking out of sheer boredom. She said that it was a problem if I just sat around and drank.

I talked some about an AA meeting I had been to. A guy was there just a few days out of prison. He was sent up two and a half years on his fourth DWI conviction. I know I'm not drinking but his story served a jolt to remind me what waits for me if I ever get caught again. Terry said such reminders are good for me.

Also by moving back to Houston, I can find a million ways to entertain myself like museums, library, movies etc. The options just aren't that many where I currently live. If I get really bad I can always find an AA meeting to attend.

That was about it. We set an appointment for after Thanksgiving.

As for what else is going on in my life. Nothing to report. I'm pretty much in isolation from my friend due to the fact that I can't drive. I've got a mental list of people and things I want to do once I get my license back.

Violet, William, Swami and Rebecca are the only ones I keep in regular contact with. Lily, Sal and Dee are three others I keep in touch with occasionally. I still haven't completely forgiven Dee for her calling me on vacation and expressing her feelings for me. At least she's found a new man and that seems to have her happy.

Well that's all for now. I plan on posting a little bit more often than I have lately. Sometimes I just don't cause not much is going on...

JPTHREE!

Hurrican Ike, Violet, Sophia and Lack of Sleep

2008-10-04T22:11:00.003-05:00

As I sit here watching a movie, I look at my countdown to when I'm no longer under the auspices of the probation department. Four months and nine days to go. Then I'll once again be free and clear. I'll have my drivers license back and I'll be moving back to Houston.

It's been a month since I last wrote. Not much really happened except for Hurricane Ike. I had plans to attend two football games and two baseball games over that weekend so I got a hotel in Houston so my friends won't have to be driving back and forth to get me. I rode out the hurricane at the hotel and then later went to my friend William's house when the hotel had to shut down due to no power or water.

Also in the last month, Violet finally moved back to Houston. She came to visit me at the hotel the night before the storm hit. I hadn't seen her in close to two years. I visited her in Oct. 2006 in Florida.

I must admit she's much better than she was back in August when she called me at my mom's house. She had no job and for some reason she was resisting coming back to Houston. She finally reached a point that she had no other choice. She couldn't find a job in Florida. She had no money and she could tell the people she was staying with were tired of her. Her desperation and depression reached new lows. I wired her the money to return to Houston.

Once she got here she chose to stay with her sister and not me. I'm relieved that she made that choice. She was welcome to stay here until she got back on her feet. On one hand I wanted the companionship and someone to help me with my lack of transportation needs. The other side of the coin though is her feelings for me. She's always declared that she still loves me. Sometimes I think that is more a desperation cry and looking for me to take care her. I just don't have any type of feelings for her other than friendship. I didn't want to go through the problems of telling her to go away and that a relationship is out of the question.

I'm happy to report though that things are working out for her. Within three weeks of her arrival she found a job. She was scared because her green card expired and wasn't sure if she could get hired. I told her under no circumstances to lie at any job interview about her immigration status. I told her to explain what is going on during an interview. Well one of the jobs she applied for called me for a reference. They made Violet an offer. The woman that called me told Violet that she can start working but she must go to immigration and get her card stamped. Violet was upset cause she didn't have the money. I made a loan to her but told her to take her time to pay me back. I want her to get her life back in order before I put the clamps on her to pay me back.

I'm so glad things are working out for her for now. I'm sure a year or more down the road she'll find a new way to fuck everything up again. It's just her way.

The Terry Therapy sessions came to a temporary halt after Ike passed through. We start up our sessions again on Tuesday. She had missed our appointment about a week after the storm. I figured like the rest of us she had no power. I looked up her address and saw where she lived. She was on the bad side of the storm so I figured she sustained damage to her house and she wasn't in the position to be doing the therapy sessions. I guessed right. I am glad that the sessions are starting again.

While I'm on the topic of women, I finally heard from Sophia. It's been a while since I heard from her. This whole DWI thing really put a crimp in my plans with her. I was coming off my hurt with losing Rebecca. I didn't think me and Sophia would get together right away but the hope for something new was there. I thought that maybe we could be headed toward something special. I view this DWI just as a bump on the road. Maybe, God willing, I can maybe start where I left off with Sophia. I'd like to find out.

My only other issue lately has been my sleep or lack of. Ever since I discovered I was sleep eating while on ambien, nothing the doctor prescribed has worked for me. I'm at a point of extreme frustration with the situation. She's given me trazodone and Rozarem. Neither medication has worked. Lunesta has worked for me in the past but at only getting me to sleep and not staying asleep. At this point I'm willing to give it another go. Only problem is my insuratnce. I'll have to jump through hoops to get it approved. It's the main reason I'm switching from my HMO to a PPO. It might be a little more expensive but I don't have to put up with such bullshit when it comes to medication.

The counselor that work sends me to for my drinking says I'm doing pretty good. She says I don't have to visit in person anymore. We can do phone sessions until I get my license back. I told her thank you and that she's relieved some of my anxieties big time. I always worry that I can't find a ride. Under the agreement I signed with work, missing a session is grounds for termination. I'm sure it would come to that and she would work with me if I coudldn't make it. She's said as much but either way it comes as a relief to go phone only. Now the only thing I have to worry about is getting the my probation officer. Just four more months....

That ends it for now. I get my first live NFL action tomorrow for the season. Ike had one of the games rescheduled. I'm looking forward to it so much.

I should be back Tuesday with the next installment of the Terry Therapy sessions.

Terry Therapy Sessions VIII & IX

2008-09-03T21:40:00.002-05:00

I didn't get around to saying much about the last session with my therapist.

Session VIII
About the only thing I remember us hitting on is my move. The move away from King of the Hill land is at the top of my list once I get my driver's license back.

I told her how my mother just doesn't understand why I want to move. I made the decision not to mention it to my mother anymore. I'll just give her my new address and that's it. Terry said I did the right thing. I'm not answerable to her.

Session IX
First thing we talked about was how everything is going. All is well.

She then asked me how my first year of sobriety is. I said good. She reinforced to me how big a step I made. Even though I didn't celebrate it that I should be proud of what I've accomplished. And I am. She said it's easy for someone not to stay sober and that I chose the harder path.

We then hit on Violet's return to Houston. I told her that she's back in town but she didn't take me up on my offer to live with me until she got her shit together. I told her I'm more her therapist. Terry says that's great since I don't have to put up with her. That it's okay that I'm her moral support. Everyone needs that.

Also I told her I'm thinking of more things to do once I get mobile again. I plan on traveling Texas and maybe Louisiana to see various museums. Along with that I also said I'm thinking of taking up photography as a hobby. I already have the camera I want to take to football games.

Finally I told her how the case manager from work pissed me off. The Jolly Bengali told me to talk to Terry about how to improve my social life. I got pissed off but held my tongue. The thought came to me that Terry is my therapist not fucking Julie the cruise director from the Love Boat. Terry laughed her ass off. Terry said it was good that I held my tongue. It's the lack of driving privileges that's holding me back. Terry agreed and said what does the Bengali want. She said just ignore her and keep doing what I'm doing.

And that's all for now folks. Take care,
The Pope

Terry Therapy Sessions VII

2008-08-18T18:35:00.003-05:00

I had my first phone therapy session with Terry last week. It went okay. Tonight is my next session.

The first thing we hit on was my mom and sister's little petty arguments I had to put up with while I was visiting. My sister accused my Mom with spilling coffee in my sister's SUV. My Mom denied it. It was a weeks old stain and my sister said it was new. My Mom's retaliation was to be short tempered with my sister. My Mom got really pissy toward the end of my visit. I told Terry that it was really getting on my nerves but I stayed out of the affair. She told me I handle it the right way. That my mom was probably trying to draw me into the whole thing and I did the best thing by refusing to comment or take sides.

While I took my nephews to SeaWorld, I had a fleeting thought of maybe slamming a quick drink. The thought went away quickly but it I had it. Terry said I again did the right thing. First I held myself accountable. Next that I also thought about my Mom's reaction if she saw me. She told me those are the kind of things I need to do once the pee test goes away. She asked me if I was going to tell my BOC (acronym stands for Big Oil Company, my employer) case worker. I told her no way. She'd freak out and make me do more things and probably extend my twice monthly visits.

She asked me how I was going to mark my first year of sobriety. I told her I wasn't. I don't like the AA birthday celebrations. She told me I needed to acknowledge it in some way. I also told her that I've been thinking of telling my story at a speaker meeting. She's kind of surprised that I hadn't done it yet. I'm thinking of waiting until I get my license back and telling my story at my original AA club.

We also touched on Dee in Tampa. I told her I was still harboring ill feelings on her for skipping out on her planned trip to see me. Dee had sent me a video of a man going off on Starbucks. It really wasn't funny. I told her that I replied to Dee about how I didn't like it. I felt latter that I may have responded negatively to the email in retaliation for not coming to visit.

The last thing we talked about was God. I told her that as much as I wanted to think that God doesn't interfere with our lives and we have complete freewill, I just can't believe that after all that's happened to me. Her I was a year ago facing jail time for a third offense felony DWI. It was reduced to a second offense misdemeanor along with which I got no jail time, no community service, no rehab classes and virtually no terms of conditions for probation. If that isn't God interfering in my life I don't know what is.

We closed on that subject and scheduled the next one. I'll have my next one posted soon. I've got updates on Violet and Binks too. Until then I hope if anyone reads this you can attain the positive feelings I have as of late.

Goodnight,
Pope Johannes Paulus III

Return from Vacation, Violet Resurfaces

2008-08-10T21:55:00.003-05:00

I'm back. I took a week off to go visit my family. Not really my first choice. Dee in Tampa was supposed to visit me but she had her meltdown that I wrote about in a previous post. I didn't want to cancel my vacation so I went to see family.

I can't complain about the trip except I was ready to return home the last few days I was there. My mom was starting to get on my nerves. She gets petty in her little fights with my sister. I didn't feel like sticking my nose into it though and escalating the situation. She also unnerves me with her driving. She down right scares the crap out of me in the car. My sister is a pretty bad driver too. My mom also tends to get pissy when things don't go her way. It was getting annoying and I'm glad to be back home.

I took my nephews out to the river one day and also to Sea World. The rest of the time I spent just kicking back reading, listening to music or visiting relatives. Nothing major happened which always makes for a good time.

On the other hand, Violet resurfaced just like I said she would. She called me on Tuesday to let me know where she was at. She's still in Florida. Friday's call was a different story. She called me crying. She wants to return to Houston. She's a freaking mess. No job, no car, no money. She's almost suicidal and admits that she's afraid to do something to hurt herself. I told her to pull herself together and be strong for me. I repeated my offer to let her stay with me until she gets back on her feet.

She asked me for the bus fare back to Houston and I agreed to it. Later though she called me back and asked me to hold off sending her the money. A lawyer she hired to renew her green card took off with the $370 she Violet paid her. Violet called the firm and they told her the lawyer was gone but they are trying to track her down over the weekend. So Violet is waiting on word on her money before she makes her next move.

I have to admit there is some selfish motivation for letting her stay with me. Since I'm not mobile I want to use her to haul me around. She's not working so why not pay her a few bucks a week to drive me where I need to go. Who knows if I play my cards right I may even get laid.

I have a plan for her and I don't know if she'll adhere to it but if she wants my help she has to. First thing is to get her back here and to my place. I told her I want her to rest for one or two weeks. She's to do nothing else but sleep and relax. I have tons of movies and music plus all the cable channels and internet. She needs that down time to recover from her latest ordeals. Also on the agenda is a trip to a shrink. She needs to be on some kind of medication for her depression. I plan on calling my shrink and asking how much she'll charge me to see Violet since she's uninsured. I figure the meds should be cheap from the list of Walmart meds that are $4. I figure my shrink will start her off on prozac and that's cheap. Welbutrin might be a supplement if the prozac doesn't work. I know this from my depression wars.

Tomorrow is my first telephone therapy session with Terry. I had a mental list of things I want to talk about but right now it escapes me. I think asking if I'm doing the right thing with Violet is on the top of the list. I plan on talking about my mom and how she gets on my nerves with some of her behavior. I'm sure Terry will guide some of the conversation too.

On a closing note, the Pope only bought one hat. I need two more in order to be up to my full compliment.

I'll be back tomorrow with the latest on the Terry Therapy Sessions.

Signing off from the Sistine Chapel,
Pope JPTHREE

The Nightwalker, The Terry Therapy Sessions VI

2008-07-30T14:52:00.004-05:00

I had suspected I'd been getting up in my sleep and doing things. I was finding subtle things here and there moved. A book moved, a magazine moved, the place marker in book moved, the case of the missing pineapple. The things were so slight though that I thought maybe I did do those things and just didn't remember. The thought was there though since I occasionally take ambien to help me sleep.

Sunday I confirmed it though. I came home from work and started to relax on the recliner. I then noticed an empty carton of yogurt, a spoon, half of an eaten lemon and a knife on the coffee table. I knew right away that I definitely didn't eat before I went to bed the previous night. I figured there had to be half a lemon some where around the apartment. I looked in the fridge and in the trash but found nothing. I came into the bedroom and there it was on the computer desk along with a partially drank can of 7Up.

Needless to say I was freaked out but at least it was confirmed and everything was put together. I was pretty sure it was the ambien but I called my doctor on Monday and she told me to quit taking it. We decided to go without any sleep medication for a while but she'll put me on something else if I need it.

The Terry Therapy Sessions IV

I started the session but telling Terry about the sleep walking/eating. We had a good laugh about it.

I told her I had started thinking more about how I'm going to remain out of trouble once I'm off probation. I plan to fill my time with going to museums One place I like to go is my favorite coffee shop where I like to eat pizza and read or write. Plus I plan to return to Taping for the Blind and where I used to read books onto tape for blind people. A whole bunch of things that keep me from going out and drinking again.

One of the things we are trying to accomplish is change my thinking process about drinking once I'm free and clear. She wants me to remember the arrests, the misery I went through, the jail time and the future consequences if I get caught drinking and driving again. I told her how my sister's middle child, the five year old, just adores me. She said one of the things I might want to add to my thinking utilities is my nephews and how they view me. Do I want to be know as the uncle with the drinking problem or the uncle who had a drinking problem and beat it? Also do I want to be an negative influence again. There thinking is if Uncle Pope can drink let's go try it.

I also told her my plans to move back into the city from Arlen, TX. She said start looking for places now to help combat the depression and keep my mind busy toward my reward.

In addition to my plans to keep busy to stay out of trouble I told her that I want to use AA to create a new group of friends. One of my problems with AA is that most people don't like to get out and do things. Their whole life revolves around AA and the meetings. I can't live like that. However if I find a few friends that do like to do outside things then it will help occupy my time.

She agrees on my take on AA and she has her own take to. She says her problem with AA is the misery factor. That meetings consist mostly of people talking about how miserable they were drinking and how miserable they still are. The meetings don't focus on the positives of sobriety and inspirational tales. So while I'm using AA as a conduit it for a new social group that it's not really beneficial to just attend meetings to hear the tales of woe.

She also asked me how the overall anxiety is going. That is going better. I still get the anxieties of not having a ride to my probation officer and the counselor work assigned me to. Overall the anxiety levels have come down. Also no episodes of depression.

I told her also that I started to crunch the numbers to get an idea of how much money I might have when I turn 55. If I have enough I plan on retiring from my job at that point. My plans are if I'm not married or in a relationship to move back to my hometown. Also maybe take up a part time job like consulting in my field or something new that will allow me to travel but I still have a stream of income. Most of this is contingent though on having the company pension still in place or enough in my 401k. I'm really not counting on the pension being there but if it is it accelerates my retirement plans.

Then she dropped the bad news on me. Well sorta bad news. They are moving the practice. She gave me two options. We could continue our sessions over the phone or she could give me references for a new therapist. For now I decided to try the phone sessions and see how that goes. She still gave me a list of therapists in case I change my mind.

The Pope is getting fitted for a new day to day hate. The two I have are in bad shape. One is twelve years old and is worn and torn. I have no idea how old the red formal one is but it too is worn down. That leaves me with only one working hat and a Pope can not have such a limited choice.

So Hail Harry full of grapes and carpi diem, not to be confused with per diem,
Pope John Paul III

The Terry Therapy Sessions V

2008-07-18T22:49:00.002-05:00

I think this latest session was more a bull session than therapy. That's okay though cause I figure it's Terry's way of getting to know me. We discussed a range of subjects and a lot of football. In fact I really can't recall if anything therapy related was discussed.

We touched some on Dee not coming and our friendship. She asked if we discussed more of her confession to me. I said no. We are pretending the whole thing didn't happen. Why? I said because it's awkward. Dee hasn't mentioned it and I'm not going to bring it up. As far as I'm concerned that's that. I did admit though that I was pissed off that she brought up the subject. I told Terry that the bottom line is that I don't have romantic feelings for Dee. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I can't lead her on and give false hope either.

I guess that's it. I really didn't get much of this week's session. I'm sure other sessions will be more productive. As evidence I refer to my previous posts about my therapy.

New Squeeze, More Vacation, Fathers, Violet Missing Again

2008-07-13T15:46:00.004-05:00

I've broken the six month barrier. My count down to mobility is at exactly seven months to go. I know after midnight it will still be six months and 30 days. That's still basically seven months but seeing that six on the countdown I have on my laptop makes it bearable.

My New Woman Friend

Did I mention I have a new goumada ala Tony Soprano. I really don't think I'm going to bring this behavior up with Terry. This time though it's not like I'm cheating. I have no girlfriend so I just found someone to spend a little time with. It's physical but there is a little companionship too. It's not like this woman is looking for a relationship either. I'm planning to spend a little time with her before the end of the month. I just plan to get to know her, talk a little and share a little time. Things go right I get laid again. Nothing complicated.

One More Vacation

Even though Dee canceled her trip to see me I decided to keep my scheduled days off from work. It's basically a mental health move and also helps in marking down the time I have left on probation. The plan is to once again go visit family. I'm taking close to two weeks off and I don't want to spend them staring at my walls. I did enough of that when I was off on medical getting my shit together. Since my nephews are still out of school I want us to do something. I brought up the idea of maybe going camping. I checked out reservations at the state park but no shelters are available. I'm going to call on Monday and see if there is a waiting list. If not we may try tent camping if we can get a spot with electricity. My mom wont camp with out it.

Fathers

Father's health and mortality seems to be a theme among friends. My shrinks receptionist and I talked at length about losing fathers and how we coped. She lost her father about a year ago. We talked about how her and her mother are dealing with it. I just reassured her that with time she'll still remember him and miss him but the pain will ease.

Swami's father remains in poor health. I'm surprised the old man is still hanging in there. Like Swami says though, the old man's a fighter. He's already lost one leg and they are fighting to save the other. I just pray for them and put it in God's hands. Compounding matters for Swami is that he's on the hit list for job's layoffs.

William's father is also struggling with his health. Like Swami's dad, William's father is diabetic and struggles with all its complications. He hasn't lost any limbs but has been hospitalized at least twice that I know of. I think the last bout was with organ failure. William and his sister took the weekend to go visit. I think he's out of the woods for now but it was a close call. A lot closer than William is letting on to. It's not a death bed scene though. The father is well enough that Will's sister is going camping with some friends.

Violet Disappears Again

At last but not least is Violet. Remember I wrote that bad things happen when she's quiet. I hadn't really spoken to her in a few weeks. I'd call her at work and she was either busy or people were around and she couldn't talk. I called her on Wednesday and her coworker told me she quit. That's it. She's pulled another disappearing act. I don't know if she's headed back to Texas, found another job in Florida or some other scheme in mind. I know she's struggling financially so quitting work wasn't a smart move. She has no car and things weren't looking to good for making rent.

She has a standing offer to stay with me until she gets back on her feet. I've offered her rent free, bills free accommodations until she starts working again. Hell she can even use my car since my license is suspended. That's five month until my big move. Why she wont use it is beyond me? Pride, shame, embarrassment? I've told her I don't judge her. Who is a 40 year old recovering alcoholic who almost lost his job and got sent to prison to judge? Plus it's not anything I wouldn't do for any of my friends. Sometimes one has to swallow the pride in order to get life back on track. I hope she finds gets back on track some how.

The Terry Therapy Sessions IV

2008-07-10T13:17:00.002-05:00

Went to therapist today. Good session but nothing groundbreaking. We talked about my vacation and how it went with my family.

We also discussed my anxiety on going back to work and the feelings I get from working the day shift. She agrees with my shrink that it is the adjustment period after being gone for six months.

We also talked about my barriers still. One of my stress triggers at work is being forced to work overtime and not having a ride. I told her I might let one of my coworkers on the other shift in on what's going on. I didn't think Andrea would mind and she definitely would keep what I tell her in confidence. I'm not sure if she'll give me a ride but I more than sure I could tell her my situation. Maybe not the whole story but still enough.

We also delved into my aversion to working the day shift. As well as it being the adjustment period to returning to work, I also react to the number of people on around and a fear of exposure to my situation. When I work nights it's only four of us on shift. On days there are more shift members plus technical, clerical and management staff. While the odds are against it, I have a fear of discovery and the number of people around triggers that fear. While I have nothing to fear, the inconvenience of the unannounced drug tests triggers it too.

We talked about the family gatherings and my dislike of going to them. It's not that I don't like my family and not that they don't like me. Part of it is just me being distant from them for so long and not really having much in common with them. Besides work and being blood relatives, I don't share anything with them. Even at family get togethers I find myself talking to just a few people. Like friends my friends, there are just a few family I let completely in my life.

She then asked if I'd always been this way or I was picked on, bullied or intimidated when growing up. No I hadn't. In fact in high school I never lacked for friends. My group was pretty big. I could count about twenty friends. They weren't just my friends. We were all friends. Within that group we had a cliches, conflicts and disputes but it was well known that we were there for each other. If anyone outsider messed with one of us, that person could count on the other guys to have his back.

Another point we touched on is reinforcing my decision making about drinking. That next time I won't have it easy. I will go to jail. No question. No one walks from a fourth DWI. The sentence is 2-10 years. I would destroy me and everything I've worked for. More than likely a judge would probably give me a year for each DWI. I'd probably be looking at four years prison.

I think that's most of what we covered. At least it's the major talking points. I go back next week for another session.

Nothing Special

2008-07-08T21:08:00.003-05:00

Free wheeling thoughts this week. I was on vacation and visiting my family out of town. I had a nice relaxing time. The most strenuous thing I did was mow my mother's lawn. Other than I didn't do jack shit. It was good.

The big question on my mind was whether my sister's middle child still adored me. He does. I thought with school, soccer and new friend's he'd forget about his Uncle Pope. No he didn't. He came with my sister to pick me up and drive me back for the visit. His love to me is so unconditional it's unbelievable. I just own the moon for this kid. My sister says she runs a close second to me on who he loves most. It's great knowing someone cares for me so much.

Violet has been unusually quiet. Bad things happen when she's quiet. She's either found a new sucker or is going to show up on my doorstep in the next few months.

Rebecca and I still talk but she's about as useless as tits on a bull to my situation.

About the only time I spend with anyone on a regular basis is my old high school friend William. He's basically my version of Luca Brasi/Al Neri in his undying loyalty to me. Read the Godfather if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Tomorrow I go see the substance abuse doctor who helped my lawyer build my case. He put me on a program to prove to the court that I wanted to was willing to quit drinking. When it all came to a head it worked. Tomorrow's visit is a follow up for what? I'm not sure but I'm going.

Finally, today I had a visit with my shrink. I was hoping she would changes my meds. I've been back to work for two month's now. I told her my anxieties and working. She says it's part of the adjustments in getting my life back on track. She set our visit for two months from now.

I have my Terry Therapy Session on Thursday. As I've written before I think it's going ok. The trust issues and the reaching out problem I'm working on right now. I still can't get over how much an effect dating Violet messed me up. That's some deep rooted issues there. The other thing Terry nailed on the head was my reaction on returning from vacation. She said I would be relaxed but be prepared to feel the anxieties of my problems on my return. Damn did I. I had the major meltdown the night I got back. I have to bring that up with her.

Well, I'm sleepy but needed to vent. Good night.

The Terry Therapy Sessions III

2008-07-03T21:36:00.005-05:00

Well I think I had a break through of sorts. My therapist and I have come to the conclusion I have trust issues. It's pretty bad too. As far as Terry can tell, me ex-girlfriend Violet was the one that messed me up. So on top of my high expectations for relationships and lack of communicating, I now don't trust women that come into my life. Great.

Terry tells me that my depression is 85% chemical imbalance and 15% rooted in other issues. She's looking to find out what that 15% is. She doesn't think it has anything to do with my upbringing. I had a fairly good family life and moral support from them. About the only thing that is messing me up family wise was the Golden Boy image of my brother.

So back to the trust issue. As I sit here writing this I can't put my finger on exactly what my trust misgivings are. I need to follow that up with Terry. The relationship with Violet though seems to have scarred me. As a result I don't trust women and it's a barrier to having a solid relationship.

The other thing we touched on was my strong hesitation on asking for help and letting people help me out. I feel like I'm a burden to people when I ask for rides and help taking me places. She said that I shouldn't feel that way. People are helping me out cause they want to. They see my situation and are willing to do favors for me. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm imposing on them. I did make some progress though in that I allowed a coworker to help me out with my car and I asked a friend for a ride to the counselor. They were very helpful and I'm very grateful to them. It also brings down the anxiety levels some.

The anxiety problem is something else I need to work on. I was totally relaxed this past week when I went to visit my mom and family. I've been back home less that 24 hours and already I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I don't even know why I'm all tensed up and feeling depressed. I'm getting up tomorrow, I'm going to work and nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. That's it and I'm all fucked up.

I see my shrink next week and I need to bring this up with her. I think I need an adjustment in my medication. Right now I have no reason to feel all tensed up, depressed and anxious. I had a good vacation with my family. I spent time with my nephews too and my best friend. All went well.

I brought it up with Terry that I'm feeling desperately lonely. I was looking forward to Dee's visit in August (that's a different story). It was one of the milestones to my probation count down I was using. Terry asked me if there was any thought of having a relationship with Dee. I said yes I've thought about it. Terry pointed out that I have a great friendship with her and that is the basis for a strong foundation for a relationship. Me and Dee had discussed it in the past. We talked about it last year but I was in no position cause of my legal problems. Dee withheld telling me about she felt about me cause I was dating Rebecca. She further hesitated telling me when in a drunken state I told Dee that I was in love with Rebecca.

Dee was right. I thought I was in love with Rebecca and had she brought up the subject of us having a relationship I would have told her no. What's further fucked up is how I knew in my heart that me and Rebecca were done but that I didn't want to leave her because I didn't want to be alone. I got used to spending the time and having someone in my life even though it was a dead end. To me a bad relationship was preferable to no relationship.

Dee also tells me that she thinks Rebecca and Violet are poison in my life. That I was able to cut out the other girlfriends and move on. It's something I'm very sensitive to. She asked me when I was going to cut ties with them. I told her not anytime soon. I know this thought would send her ballistic but I'd soon as cut them out of my life as I would her. It's just not going to happen.

As for Dee and I getting together, that's not going to happen anytime soon. I'll keep a long story short. She called me up in the middle of my vacation. I knew something was up. Sure enough she confessed her feelings for me. She was having anxiety attacks about coming to visit me and she couldn't make the air reservations to see me. Her therapist told her I was the underlying reason for these anxiety feelings and she needed to tell me. It didn't stun me and I had been contemplating this. I just don't have those feelings for her. I consider her a great friend and she's helped me out immensely with my anxieties, depressions and listening to me through my legal woes. It's just through all that I never developed the feelings for her that she has for me. She started crying and I told her that I was sorry.

I just don't have romantic feelings for Dee. My thinking was muddled for two days after our conversation but I finally was able to think it through. I wasn't going to lie to Dee and give her false hope of a future together. It would just be a recipe for disaster if I told her I liked her too. The last thing I want to do is hurt her and I would cause far more damage telling her I liked her than I would in telling her the truth. It just wouldn't be right.

Well I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to muddle through work this weekend. I need to decide what to do with the week Dee was coming to visit me. I have to either cancel the vacation time or reschedule it. It's a bummer. I was really looking forward to the visit and just not for the sex. I need the company. Sadly, like most my plans with women, this didn't come to fruition.