Not much to update. Came back from out of town and been at work since. I really need to slow it down. With the upcoming transfer I won't be eligible for overtime until I get trained. That's the only reason I'm working so much now.
May 3 is my official transfer date. May 4th I'm headed out the lake for a few days of R&R. I got a taste of the fishing bug last week when I went with my best friend. That was only for a day. I need at least three days out on the water now.
I worked graveyard shift last night and I had to be up at noon to see the Bitch counselor that work assigned me to for my little "drinking" problem. I'm just going through the motions and telling her what she wants to hear. It pisses me off that she thinks she can understand what I've gone through. I'm not a fucking down and out drunk. I made some mistakes. She wants to handle me with kid gloves. Like last year she freaked out when I said I was going to continue being a season ticket holder for the local NFL team. I felt like telling her to fuck off. I'm glad she called to postpone our appointment till next week.
My boss has the same attitude with me sometimes. She called me into her office a few weeks ago. She asked me how I was doing and all the usual things she thinks is helpful to ask a drunk. She then asked me how I was holding up with my moving and my transfer. If that was putting any pressure on me. I know what she's really asking me is if I'm getting the urge to drink. A big "FUCK YOU" formed in my vocal chords but I just said no and left it at that.
Fucking idiots.
Today on my half day off, I ran errands. I'm back at the grind for overtime on Thursday and Friday, off on Saturday and my regular shift starts on Sunday night. It should be my last one at my current job. I looked at the schedule for after May 3rd and I'm still on the books. I intend on asking what that's all about tomorrow.
Today I got an interesting call from the cute woman in my apartment leasing office. Security noticed someone casing my apartment. I'm on the first floor and they spotted him twice eying my patio. They chased him off the second time. She told me they think he was checking out my bike. I moved it inside. Security is still watching my place closely.
Finally, I called Rebecca today see if she wants to have a bachelor party with me Friday after work. I think we'll hit a strip club for shits and giggles.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The Usual Suspects...Violet, Rebecca & Pointdexter
Some Progress
I had my first extended break since I got my license back. I had pretty much been working nonstop, packing and unpacking. I’m still unpacking. Before I took my little vacation, I was getting aggravated in my seeming lack of unpacking progress. I’m still pulling shit out of boxes but the place is definitely looking better. The only thing that sucks is the walls are solid stone. I can’t use regular nails. I’m off to Home Depot to buy mason screws or TapCon.
Violet was over on Thursday and she arranged my living room for me. I’m moving it back the way I had it. At least she took the recliner with her. It was gumming up the works. I can now move the arm chair into the bedroom and have more room to place the couch and love seat in the living room the way I want.
My Violet Attitude
Speaking of Violet, she accused me of copping an attitude with her Thursday. She called me and asked me if I wanted her to come pick me up to go with her to her niece’s house. Before I could answer she said that she’d call me back. After she dropped off her niece, she called me again and asked if I wanted her to come by. She asked me how to get to my place from I-10. I told her I didn’t have a clue. There was no direct route. She then asked me if I really wanted her to come by. I said yes. That’s when she accused me of having an attitude with her. I asked her what the fuck was she talking about. She says when she called me to pick me up that I sounded angry. She felt I didn’t want her around and then when I told her I had no clue about how to get to my apartment from I-10 she felt I really didn’t want her around.
I told her I didn’t have an attitude. I don’t know where she got the idea. Maybe cause I don’t kiss her ass. She admitted as much. When she got to my place she said I spoiled her to much. That she wasn’t used to hearing an edge to my voice. I’m not sure if I had an attitude or not. All I know is when she asked me what I was doing I replied I was making sandwiches. Maybe I was a little annoyed that she was interrupting my meal.
On my little vacation I actually had a decent time. I dread going because I never know what mood my mother will be in. I don’t like family functions so I go to one event every year. Either a birthday party, wedding or holiday. One event. That’s it.
I avoided the family gathering at my cousin’s house on Easter Sunday. I really didn’t want to go. Just to many people. Plus I’m going to my aunt’s 80th birthday party in July. After that I’m done with big family gatherings.
I kept my little nephew home from day care to spend the day with him. I took him to a baseball game and then put up with his hyper ass for the last two hours I had him. It was fun.
Swollen Thigh, Fat Head
I visited my friend Pointdexter. He’s the ultimate dork. I was talking to Binks about him. Binks is amazed that Pointdexter is still the same 22 years after high school.
So me and Pointdexter are sitting in his living room shooting the shit. He then suddenly asks me have I ever had a spider bite. Huh? He shows me his thigh. He has an abscess the size of a quarter that’s oozing pus. A grapefruit size red area surrounds the abscess. I took one look and asked him if he’d seen a doctor. He casually tells me no. I told him three times he needed to get it looked at. I then pointed out my thumb that was infected and that the doc gave me antibiotics and it went down within 24 hours. He replied that he’s putting some stuff on it. I asked what stuff and he couldn’t recall. I tell you, he’s an idiot.
The Return of Rebecca
Rebecca returned from her Eastern European country two weeks ago. I really avoided calling her because I was afraid she’d give me bad news about her mom. I take that back. Not really afraid. I didn’t want to upset her if something happened. I didn’t want to put her on the spot and make her rehash the story if the worst had happened. It’s also why I had avoided calling her daughter while Rebecca was away. Gina is 14 and I didn’t think she’d want to rehash anything bad that happened to her grandmother.
Rebecca called me on Easter Sunday while I was driving to my mother’s. She was sitting in her favorite titty bar (no longer my favorite) wondering what I was up to. She said she had brunch with a friend and then decided to drop in the strip club. She said it was dead and since I wasn’t in town she was going home. I asked about her mom. She’s fine. Alive and kicking. Thank God!
Finally Fishing
On Wednesday I finally fired a fishing rod and drowned a worm in anger. It had been about three years since I went fishing. It was fun, it was relaxing and I some color to me. The fact that I didn’t catch many fish wasn’t important. The important thing is I had fun and relaxed.
I need to update more often so my writing won’t be so long winded. Brief updates are best.
That’s it. Time to put on the funny hat and go be Pope.
Pope JP3
I had my first extended break since I got my license back. I had pretty much been working nonstop, packing and unpacking. I’m still unpacking. Before I took my little vacation, I was getting aggravated in my seeming lack of unpacking progress. I’m still pulling shit out of boxes but the place is definitely looking better. The only thing that sucks is the walls are solid stone. I can’t use regular nails. I’m off to Home Depot to buy mason screws or TapCon.
Violet was over on Thursday and she arranged my living room for me. I’m moving it back the way I had it. At least she took the recliner with her. It was gumming up the works. I can now move the arm chair into the bedroom and have more room to place the couch and love seat in the living room the way I want.
My Violet Attitude
Speaking of Violet, she accused me of copping an attitude with her Thursday. She called me and asked me if I wanted her to come pick me up to go with her to her niece’s house. Before I could answer she said that she’d call me back. After she dropped off her niece, she called me again and asked if I wanted her to come by. She asked me how to get to my place from I-10. I told her I didn’t have a clue. There was no direct route. She then asked me if I really wanted her to come by. I said yes. That’s when she accused me of having an attitude with her. I asked her what the fuck was she talking about. She says when she called me to pick me up that I sounded angry. She felt I didn’t want her around and then when I told her I had no clue about how to get to my apartment from I-10 she felt I really didn’t want her around.
I told her I didn’t have an attitude. I don’t know where she got the idea. Maybe cause I don’t kiss her ass. She admitted as much. When she got to my place she said I spoiled her to much. That she wasn’t used to hearing an edge to my voice. I’m not sure if I had an attitude or not. All I know is when she asked me what I was doing I replied I was making sandwiches. Maybe I was a little annoyed that she was interrupting my meal.
On my little vacation I actually had a decent time. I dread going because I never know what mood my mother will be in. I don’t like family functions so I go to one event every year. Either a birthday party, wedding or holiday. One event. That’s it.
I avoided the family gathering at my cousin’s house on Easter Sunday. I really didn’t want to go. Just to many people. Plus I’m going to my aunt’s 80th birthday party in July. After that I’m done with big family gatherings.
I kept my little nephew home from day care to spend the day with him. I took him to a baseball game and then put up with his hyper ass for the last two hours I had him. It was fun.
Swollen Thigh, Fat Head
I visited my friend Pointdexter. He’s the ultimate dork. I was talking to Binks about him. Binks is amazed that Pointdexter is still the same 22 years after high school.
So me and Pointdexter are sitting in his living room shooting the shit. He then suddenly asks me have I ever had a spider bite. Huh? He shows me his thigh. He has an abscess the size of a quarter that’s oozing pus. A grapefruit size red area surrounds the abscess. I took one look and asked him if he’d seen a doctor. He casually tells me no. I told him three times he needed to get it looked at. I then pointed out my thumb that was infected and that the doc gave me antibiotics and it went down within 24 hours. He replied that he’s putting some stuff on it. I asked what stuff and he couldn’t recall. I tell you, he’s an idiot.
The Return of Rebecca
Rebecca returned from her Eastern European country two weeks ago. I really avoided calling her because I was afraid she’d give me bad news about her mom. I take that back. Not really afraid. I didn’t want to upset her if something happened. I didn’t want to put her on the spot and make her rehash the story if the worst had happened. It’s also why I had avoided calling her daughter while Rebecca was away. Gina is 14 and I didn’t think she’d want to rehash anything bad that happened to her grandmother.
Rebecca called me on Easter Sunday while I was driving to my mother’s. She was sitting in her favorite titty bar (no longer my favorite) wondering what I was up to. She said she had brunch with a friend and then decided to drop in the strip club. She said it was dead and since I wasn’t in town she was going home. I asked about her mom. She’s fine. Alive and kicking. Thank God!
Finally Fishing
On Wednesday I finally fired a fishing rod and drowned a worm in anger. It had been about three years since I went fishing. It was fun, it was relaxing and I some color to me. The fact that I didn’t catch many fish wasn’t important. The important thing is I had fun and relaxed.
I need to update more often so my writing won’t be so long winded. Brief updates are best.
That’s it. Time to put on the funny hat and go be Pope.
Pope JP3
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Snakes on a Dream Interpretation
My friend Binks I think heat the nail on the head with his interpretation of my latest snake dream.
One thing you must understand is I'm deathly afraid of snakes; both poisonous and harmless.
He said the snakes represent two women in my life. The poisonous snakes represent Violet. Our relationship was nothing but toxic venom in my life.
The harmless snakes represent Sophia. He says that I'm looking forward to hopefully ending up wit her. By why is she represented by a snake? He says my fear of commitment.
I gotta agree, it sounds plausible.
One thing you must understand is I'm deathly afraid of snakes; both poisonous and harmless.
He said the snakes represent two women in my life. The poisonous snakes represent Violet. Our relationship was nothing but toxic venom in my life.
The harmless snakes represent Sophia. He says that I'm looking forward to hopefully ending up wit her. By why is she represented by a snake? He says my fear of commitment.
I gotta agree, it sounds plausible.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
First Post in Many Moons
I've been so busy lately I really haven't had any down time to myself. I ended up going to Louisiana to gamble and unwind at least for one night.
I think I'm done working overtime for now. Unless my transfer is still being held up. Once it goes through I'll be ineligible to work OT until I'm trained on my new job. And even then who knows when some will come up.
Terry Therapy Sessions X
Last week I had a pretty good therapy session with Terry. Sometimes I question the value of my therapy. Then we hit one out of the park. We really hit on how I've come to grips with my drinking problem and how I'm good at recognizing my triggers.
One night I was tired and bored. I also had been working my ass off and in the process of packing and moving. Also I was a bit disappointed with something. I came home and turned on the TV. I didn't think about drinking. But as the night wore on, I realized that this was the exact situation in which I'd turn to alcohol. I'd just drink to oblivion and consequences be damned. I was rather proud of myself recognizing the situation and not following my old habits.
Terry said that recognizing those triggers is key. Of course they say the same thing in rehab. The problem is having either the will power stop yourself or realizing you are on the path to relapse.
I also told her how guilty I felt when one of my friends was hit by a drunk driver. It was overwhelming and I had nothing to do with it. She said that was a transfer of the guilt because I know I could have been the one hurting others. Even though I had no part of it, I felt the pain inflicted on my friend by another who's behavior mirrored mine. She said that pain I felt was real and in the future it should help me stay on the straight and narrow.
We closed on the subject of my mother (every therapist's dream!). I brought up the incident when my mom lectured me when I told her I went with some friends to play cards. She said the best way to handle it is the way I have in the past. I'm good at drawing boundaries with my mother. I put my foot down when I feel she's crossing a line. This is no different. To empathize some with her because I have blown that trust with her. But she also has to realize I am an adult and still make decisions that don't concern her. I told Terry that if my mother does continue this line with me I will eliminate her from my life. My sobriety is that important to me. I won't call, I won't visit. Nothing. I can't have her building those resentments in me. It's to dangerous. Terry said it probably won't go that extreme but if I do lay down the law my mother will more than likely respect it.
Violet's Piece of Shit Family
I'm not going to elaborate to much. Suffice it to say that of all the siblings, she does the most for her mother. Yet her mom and family insist on talking shit about her. Violet doesn't make a lot of money. She barely gets by. But her mom wanted a sewing maching. Violet saved a little bit each check and bought her one. Her mom didn't like it. She bitched and moaned that it didn't have enough features. Of course, Violet was hurt to her core. I felt bad for her but what can I do?
I can sense the deep depression that's coming on. Her whole family just trashes her. It's very unfair and uncalled for. I called her at work on Monday and she was in tears. She never loses it like that at work. That's the one place she can hold it together, not withstanding the times she's walked out on a job. The first thing I warned her was about leaving her job. I tried to reinforce the feelings she had when she came back from Florida and had no job. I told her to think real hard about that experience. She needs to keep it together. I will not bail her out of any trouble she gets into if she walks on this job.
Rebecca and Her Mother
Mothers seems to be the theme this entry. Rebecca had to return to her country (an eastern European country) to see her mom. She hadn't seen them since 2004. Her mom was hospitalized. I didn't know her condition at the time. I'll probably text Rebecca's daughter and see if she's heard from her.
More Snakes on a Dream
I had another snake dream. Me and Binks were on one of our fishing excersions. He was in a boat and I was in the water fishing. A few snakes swim by and it doesn't bother me. Keep in mind that I absolutely hate snakes. I freeze up when I see one in the wild and I can't kill it. I don't get scared until I see a water mocassin floating in the water. The snake is perfectly still but is waiting for something to float by so he can kill and eat it. I point it out to Binks but I keep fishing. Then several small snakes start swimming by. I'm starting to get a little panicky but I don't leave the water. I see a second cottonmouth laying in wait for its prey. And more snakes. I ask Binks if he sees them and he does. More snakes. It's when I see the third cottonmouth that I decide it's time to go. This time the snake is coming toward me. Last thing I remember is I was neck deep in water making my way to the boat.
That's the third snake dream I've had in recent months. I did a little dream interpretation research. One of the things it symbolizes is change in one's life. Well moving and turning 40 are definitely changes.
Sophia Sighting
I talked to Sophia briefly a week ago. She said she'd call me back. She was in pain and at the chiropractor. She didn't call back that evening. I was kinda put off by that. The thing that I was disappointed about in the trigger I mentioned earlier was Sophia. At that time, I hadn't heard not a peep from her. I had run up the surrender flag and given up on her.
Then Sunday we had a nice talk. One of the things I feared is I had lost her to another man. I didn't ask and I could gather from what she told me that she isn't seeing anyone. After we talked she said she'd like to see me. That was a relief. She explained to me that she works and after work she just goes home and rests and spend a few nights a week with her grown sons. Understandable. She realizes that they will one day move on and momma won't be a priority so she's enjoying it while she still can. But she promised me we would see each other on a weekend.
I was so relieved and happy that we talked. I fear losing her. I now just have to win back her heart.
Well that's it for now. I'm off to bed. Got the profile and photos the dentist has to do in order to get fitted for my invisaline braces.
Good night.
I think I'm done working overtime for now. Unless my transfer is still being held up. Once it goes through I'll be ineligible to work OT until I'm trained on my new job. And even then who knows when some will come up.
Terry Therapy Sessions X
Last week I had a pretty good therapy session with Terry. Sometimes I question the value of my therapy. Then we hit one out of the park. We really hit on how I've come to grips with my drinking problem and how I'm good at recognizing my triggers.
One night I was tired and bored. I also had been working my ass off and in the process of packing and moving. Also I was a bit disappointed with something. I came home and turned on the TV. I didn't think about drinking. But as the night wore on, I realized that this was the exact situation in which I'd turn to alcohol. I'd just drink to oblivion and consequences be damned. I was rather proud of myself recognizing the situation and not following my old habits.
Terry said that recognizing those triggers is key. Of course they say the same thing in rehab. The problem is having either the will power stop yourself or realizing you are on the path to relapse.
I also told her how guilty I felt when one of my friends was hit by a drunk driver. It was overwhelming and I had nothing to do with it. She said that was a transfer of the guilt because I know I could have been the one hurting others. Even though I had no part of it, I felt the pain inflicted on my friend by another who's behavior mirrored mine. She said that pain I felt was real and in the future it should help me stay on the straight and narrow.
We closed on the subject of my mother (every therapist's dream!). I brought up the incident when my mom lectured me when I told her I went with some friends to play cards. She said the best way to handle it is the way I have in the past. I'm good at drawing boundaries with my mother. I put my foot down when I feel she's crossing a line. This is no different. To empathize some with her because I have blown that trust with her. But she also has to realize I am an adult and still make decisions that don't concern her. I told Terry that if my mother does continue this line with me I will eliminate her from my life. My sobriety is that important to me. I won't call, I won't visit. Nothing. I can't have her building those resentments in me. It's to dangerous. Terry said it probably won't go that extreme but if I do lay down the law my mother will more than likely respect it.
Violet's Piece of Shit Family
I'm not going to elaborate to much. Suffice it to say that of all the siblings, she does the most for her mother. Yet her mom and family insist on talking shit about her. Violet doesn't make a lot of money. She barely gets by. But her mom wanted a sewing maching. Violet saved a little bit each check and bought her one. Her mom didn't like it. She bitched and moaned that it didn't have enough features. Of course, Violet was hurt to her core. I felt bad for her but what can I do?
I can sense the deep depression that's coming on. Her whole family just trashes her. It's very unfair and uncalled for. I called her at work on Monday and she was in tears. She never loses it like that at work. That's the one place she can hold it together, not withstanding the times she's walked out on a job. The first thing I warned her was about leaving her job. I tried to reinforce the feelings she had when she came back from Florida and had no job. I told her to think real hard about that experience. She needs to keep it together. I will not bail her out of any trouble she gets into if she walks on this job.
Rebecca and Her Mother
Mothers seems to be the theme this entry. Rebecca had to return to her country (an eastern European country) to see her mom. She hadn't seen them since 2004. Her mom was hospitalized. I didn't know her condition at the time. I'll probably text Rebecca's daughter and see if she's heard from her.
More Snakes on a Dream
I had another snake dream. Me and Binks were on one of our fishing excersions. He was in a boat and I was in the water fishing. A few snakes swim by and it doesn't bother me. Keep in mind that I absolutely hate snakes. I freeze up when I see one in the wild and I can't kill it. I don't get scared until I see a water mocassin floating in the water. The snake is perfectly still but is waiting for something to float by so he can kill and eat it. I point it out to Binks but I keep fishing. Then several small snakes start swimming by. I'm starting to get a little panicky but I don't leave the water. I see a second cottonmouth laying in wait for its prey. And more snakes. I ask Binks if he sees them and he does. More snakes. It's when I see the third cottonmouth that I decide it's time to go. This time the snake is coming toward me. Last thing I remember is I was neck deep in water making my way to the boat.
That's the third snake dream I've had in recent months. I did a little dream interpretation research. One of the things it symbolizes is change in one's life. Well moving and turning 40 are definitely changes.
Sophia Sighting
I talked to Sophia briefly a week ago. She said she'd call me back. She was in pain and at the chiropractor. She didn't call back that evening. I was kinda put off by that. The thing that I was disappointed about in the trigger I mentioned earlier was Sophia. At that time, I hadn't heard not a peep from her. I had run up the surrender flag and given up on her.
Then Sunday we had a nice talk. One of the things I feared is I had lost her to another man. I didn't ask and I could gather from what she told me that she isn't seeing anyone. After we talked she said she'd like to see me. That was a relief. She explained to me that she works and after work she just goes home and rests and spend a few nights a week with her grown sons. Understandable. She realizes that they will one day move on and momma won't be a priority so she's enjoying it while she still can. But she promised me we would see each other on a weekend.
I was so relieved and happy that we talked. I fear losing her. I now just have to win back her heart.
Well that's it for now. I'm off to bed. Got the profile and photos the dentist has to do in order to get fitted for my invisaline braces.
Good night.
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