I'm thinking more about my drinking the last few days. Something is missing in my life. I can't put my finger on it. I found something I wrote over a year ago in a notebook. It was horrible. I was in a really depressed state. I wasn't happy. I was down about everything. Nothing happened to bring me down. I was just down. I wrote about my unhappiness with my relationship with Rebecca. I wrote about feeling lonely. I wrote about eight pages. On the last pages were my thoughts on my drinking.

Looking back on what I wrote then and how I was feeling before my arrest, nothing changed. It's like I was stuck in some emotional vacuum. I was hurting and depressed. What I couldn't figure out then and can't figure out now is why I felt that way. Even today I feel that something is missing.

The smoke and damage caused by my arrest is starting to clear up. I got arrested, I was convicted of third DWI and I'm almost done with my probation requirements. I'll be going back to work soon. I'll still be on probation until next year the worst is over. So that leaves me back to where I was pre-arrest.

The arrest, conviction and probation turn out to be a major detour in my life but a detour none the less. What I'm starting to realize is that despite all that I'm right back to square one. Those feelings of loneliness and depression are starting to come back. It's compounded by the fact that I can't drive.

The only thing eliminated so far is the drinking. Whatever issues I had before hand are still here. Drinking was just a manifestation of whatever is bothering me. I drank to forget. I drank to numb myself. I drank when I was happy. I drank when I was sad. I thought I was having fun sometimes. Now that the drink is gone I'm left with all those emotions and feelings. I couldn't deal with those emotions in the first place and now I'm still don't know how to deal with them. Drinking was my escape. I don't have that crutch anymore.

I guess I could keep writing about my frustration, anger and depression. I don't see the point. That's all I have for now.....
The Pontiff

Alcoholism

One subject I haven't touched too much on is what got me here in the first place. My alcoholism. It's not an easy subject to write about. For one, who really wants to admit they have a problem? Admitting to a problem implies that one has a weakness. We all like to think we are on the top of our game and can handle our lives. I've known for a long time that I've had a drinking problem. I would admit to myself every day AFTER I woke up after of a night of drinking. I'd say to myself,"Pope, you need to slow down. You are out of control again." No matter how bad I'd get, I'd remind myself to slow down. The problem is I wouldn't. In spite of my admissions to myself, I'd not do a thing about it.

I thought about on what I should about it. I thought about going back to AA. I thought about going to medical at work and seeking help. I thought about seeking help from my doctor. I thought about going to the judge that gave me my previous DWI convictions and seeking his advice. I thought about going to a coworker of mine who is in AA and confiding in him. I thought of just going cold turkey on my own. I thought about only drinking at home. I thought and I thought. And I thought some more. In action I did nothing.

Doing nothing cost me. I even forewarned myself that this is where I was going to end up. It did me no good.

I've written before about talks me and Rebecca had about our drinking problems. We admitted to each other that we had problems with drinking and controlling ourselves. I knew she was an enabler. She was my enabler and I was hers. We even had one more discussion about drinking a week before I was arrested. We talked about what kept us grounded at times when we looked for a reason to control ourselves. She told me her ground is her daughter. She fears losing her daughter or any action that would cause her daughter harm. I told her my only grounding is my mother. I told Rebecca that the only reason I had slowed down is cause I was going to take care of my mother after her surgery. Still I put my selfishness before that and went out drinking.

One thing I've left out is that I haven't been working since all this went down. I took the time off for vacation and my mom before the arrest. I worked maybe two or three weeks before I took time off on medical leave.

In my time off I've thought about what lead me here. I thought about my alcoholism. I'm not happy where I'm at. Basically I'm not happy about where my drinking has lead me. In my time off from work I've given many thoughts to where my life should be in the future. Just cause I thought about it doesn't mean I've come to any decisions.

One big question I've been asked and asked myself: Will I ever drink again? I'll be honest. Like everything I asked myself, I don't fucking know. I really don't know. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about having a drink again. Some times when I've been up late watching TV I've wished I had few beers. Then I think what good would it do me? I've also been asked will I drink again after I'm off probation? Is probation the only thing keeping me off alcohol? The answer to that in short is Yes, I'm not drinking cause I'm on probation. The fear also is still fresh in my mind of being arrested and going to court. In two years what will be my attitudes of drinking? Will I still be clean and sober? Will I just drink at home? I'll answer that when it comes to that. If I don't want to ever go through this shit again I know I better never fucking ever get behind the wheel after I've been drinking. Like my lawyer said, he can save me from a third offense but a fourth offense and I'm getting locked away.

The answer for now is simple. I'm going to ride this out and finish my probation. I'm going back to work soon. I'm going to stay clean and sober. I'm going to get through this. Once it's all over I'm moving. I need to get away from where I'm at. The loneliness is unbearable. I need to move back to civilization and be near my friends again. I stayed out here too long. The convenience of being close to work and not commuting isn't worth the isolation. With the end of my relationship with Rebecca I have no ties to the area anymore. Get this probation over and get the hell out of Dodge.

Only 50 weeks to go

My sister told me not to count the days I have on probation. She says it would make it go slower. Not for me. It helps me see the time go by. It helped me last time. I had 100 hours community service last time. I counted down the hours every time I got home. If I worked four hours, I'd get home and knock fours off my count down. I haven't printed up a calender but I'm thinking about it to mark my days down. Officially it ends on February 14, 2009. On that day I become free and clear.

Last week I reported for the first time to my probation officer. I was nervous but she's cool and not a hard ass that I hear some can be. She was astounded how easy I got off for my third DUI. She actually congratulated me on not having to do community service and on getting a misdemeanor as opposed to a felony conviction. The only thing I have left is I might have to have a drug and alcohol evaluation. I might have to take more classes. Fuck it. I don't want to. We'll see what happens.

All the while, the soap opera of my friends continues.

Remember William? He walked off his job last year after they started piling project after project on him with no extra help. Well, he finally found a new job. He likes it because the work load is lighter and he doesn't have deadlines and major projects like his previous job. He also said the pay is good. I'm glad he ended up getting a job here in town. I have few friends and him moving out of time would have knocked it down one.

Speaking of getting jobs, the Swami got one. This guy is the equivalent of Kramer from Seinfeld in my life. Actually the last couple of years have been pretty rough with his dad's health. He has a job that allows him time to help take care of his dad. Surprisingly he's found a woman to date too. They spent a few days in Cancun. It's good for him.

Violet confirmed it to me. I had suspicions that she was dating someone. I could careless. It's her business. I don't have feelings for her anymore. She sounded a bit strange when we talked about it. Like I would be upset at her about it. Why should I be? What we had has been dead for years. I just hope she finally learns to be happy.

Tomorrow I go for my biweekly trip to the shrink. Nothing major going on with that front.

That's all for now...
The Pope has a crowd awaiting him beneath the balcony.