I had suspected I'd been getting up in my sleep and doing things. I was finding subtle things here and there moved. A book moved, a magazine moved, the place marker in book moved, the case of the missing pineapple. The things were so slight though that I thought maybe I did do those things and just didn't remember. The thought was there though since I occasionally take ambien to help me sleep.
Sunday I confirmed it though. I came home from work and started to relax on the recliner. I then noticed an empty carton of yogurt, a spoon, half of an eaten lemon and a knife on the coffee table. I knew right away that I definitely didn't eat before I went to bed the previous night. I figured there had to be half a lemon some where around the apartment. I looked in the fridge and in the trash but found nothing. I came into the bedroom and there it was on the computer desk along with a partially drank can of 7Up.
Needless to say I was freaked out but at least it was confirmed and everything was put together. I was pretty sure it was the ambien but I called my doctor on Monday and she told me to quit taking it. We decided to go without any sleep medication for a while but she'll put me on something else if I need it.
The Terry Therapy Sessions IV
I started the session but telling Terry about the sleep walking/eating. We had a good laugh about it.
I told her I had started thinking more about how I'm going to remain out of trouble once I'm off probation. I plan to fill my time with going to museums One place I like to go is my favorite coffee shop where I like to eat pizza and read or write. Plus I plan to return to Taping for the Blind and where I used to read books onto tape for blind people. A whole bunch of things that keep me from going out and drinking again.
One of the things we are trying to accomplish is change my thinking process about drinking once I'm free and clear. She wants me to remember the arrests, the misery I went through, the jail time and the future consequences if I get caught drinking and driving again. I told her how my sister's middle child, the five year old, just adores me. She said one of the things I might want to add to my thinking utilities is my nephews and how they view me. Do I want to be know as the uncle with the drinking problem or the uncle who had a drinking problem and beat it? Also do I want to be an negative influence again. There thinking is if Uncle Pope can drink let's go try it.
I also told her my plans to move back into the city from Arlen, TX. She said start looking for places now to help combat the depression and keep my mind busy toward my reward.
In addition to my plans to keep busy to stay out of trouble I told her that I want to use AA to create a new group of friends. One of my problems with AA is that most people don't like to get out and do things. Their whole life revolves around AA and the meetings. I can't live like that. However if I find a few friends that do like to do outside things then it will help occupy my time.
She agrees on my take on AA and she has her own take to. She says her problem with AA is the misery factor. That meetings consist mostly of people talking about how miserable they were drinking and how miserable they still are. The meetings don't focus on the positives of sobriety and inspirational tales. So while I'm using AA as a conduit it for a new social group that it's not really beneficial to just attend meetings to hear the tales of woe.
She also asked me how the overall anxiety is going. That is going better. I still get the anxieties of not having a ride to my probation officer and the counselor work assigned me to. Overall the anxiety levels have come down. Also no episodes of depression.
I told her also that I started to crunch the numbers to get an idea of how much money I might have when I turn 55. If I have enough I plan on retiring from my job at that point. My plans are if I'm not married or in a relationship to move back to my hometown. Also maybe take up a part time job like consulting in my field or something new that will allow me to travel but I still have a stream of income. Most of this is contingent though on having the company pension still in place or enough in my 401k. I'm really not counting on the pension being there but if it is it accelerates my retirement plans.
Then she dropped the bad news on me. Well sorta bad news. They are moving the practice. She gave me two options. We could continue our sessions over the phone or she could give me references for a new therapist. For now I decided to try the phone sessions and see how that goes. She still gave me a list of therapists in case I change my mind.
The Pope is getting fitted for a new day to day hate. The two I have are in bad shape. One is twelve years old and is worn and torn. I have no idea how old the red formal one is but it too is worn down. That leaves me with only one working hat and a Pope can not have such a limited choice.
So Hail Harry full of grapes and carpi diem, not to be confused with per diem,
Pope John Paul III
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Terry Therapy Sessions V
I think this latest session was more a bull session than therapy. That's okay though cause I figure it's Terry's way of getting to know me. We discussed a range of subjects and a lot of football. In fact I really can't recall if anything therapy related was discussed.
We touched some on Dee not coming and our friendship. She asked if we discussed more of her confession to me. I said no. We are pretending the whole thing didn't happen. Why? I said because it's awkward. Dee hasn't mentioned it and I'm not going to bring it up. As far as I'm concerned that's that. I did admit though that I was pissed off that she brought up the subject. I told Terry that the bottom line is that I don't have romantic feelings for Dee. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I can't lead her on and give false hope either.
I guess that's it. I really didn't get much of this week's session. I'm sure other sessions will be more productive. As evidence I refer to my previous posts about my therapy.
We touched some on Dee not coming and our friendship. She asked if we discussed more of her confession to me. I said no. We are pretending the whole thing didn't happen. Why? I said because it's awkward. Dee hasn't mentioned it and I'm not going to bring it up. As far as I'm concerned that's that. I did admit though that I was pissed off that she brought up the subject. I told Terry that the bottom line is that I don't have romantic feelings for Dee. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I can't lead her on and give false hope either.
I guess that's it. I really didn't get much of this week's session. I'm sure other sessions will be more productive. As evidence I refer to my previous posts about my therapy.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
New Squeeze, More Vacation, Fathers, Violet Missing Again
I've broken the six month barrier. My count down to mobility is at exactly seven months to go. I know after midnight it will still be six months and 30 days. That's still basically seven months but seeing that six on the countdown I have on my laptop makes it bearable.
My New Woman Friend
Did I mention I have a new goumada ala Tony Soprano. I really don't think I'm going to bring this behavior up with Terry. This time though it's not like I'm cheating. I have no girlfriend so I just found someone to spend a little time with. It's physical but there is a little companionship too. It's not like this woman is looking for a relationship either. I'm planning to spend a little time with her before the end of the month. I just plan to get to know her, talk a little and share a little time. Things go right I get laid again. Nothing complicated.
One More Vacation
Even though Dee canceled her trip to see me I decided to keep my scheduled days off from work. It's basically a mental health move and also helps in marking down the time I have left on probation. The plan is to once again go visit family. I'm taking close to two weeks off and I don't want to spend them staring at my walls. I did enough of that when I was off on medical getting my shit together. Since my nephews are still out of school I want us to do something. I brought up the idea of maybe going camping. I checked out reservations at the state park but no shelters are available. I'm going to call on Monday and see if there is a waiting list. If not we may try tent camping if we can get a spot with electricity. My mom wont camp with out it.
Fathers
Father's health and mortality seems to be a theme among friends. My shrinks receptionist and I talked at length about losing fathers and how we coped. She lost her father about a year ago. We talked about how her and her mother are dealing with it. I just reassured her that with time she'll still remember him and miss him but the pain will ease.
Swami's father remains in poor health. I'm surprised the old man is still hanging in there. Like Swami says though, the old man's a fighter. He's already lost one leg and they are fighting to save the other. I just pray for them and put it in God's hands. Compounding matters for Swami is that he's on the hit list for job's layoffs.
William's father is also struggling with his health. Like Swami's dad, William's father is diabetic and struggles with all its complications. He hasn't lost any limbs but has been hospitalized at least twice that I know of. I think the last bout was with organ failure. William and his sister took the weekend to go visit. I think he's out of the woods for now but it was a close call. A lot closer than William is letting on to. It's not a death bed scene though. The father is well enough that Will's sister is going camping with some friends.
Violet Disappears Again
At last but not least is Violet. Remember I wrote that bad things happen when she's quiet. I hadn't really spoken to her in a few weeks. I'd call her at work and she was either busy or people were around and she couldn't talk. I called her on Wednesday and her coworker told me she quit. That's it. She's pulled another disappearing act. I don't know if she's headed back to Texas, found another job in Florida or some other scheme in mind. I know she's struggling financially so quitting work wasn't a smart move. She has no car and things weren't looking to good for making rent.
She has a standing offer to stay with me until she gets back on her feet. I've offered her rent free, bills free accommodations until she starts working again. Hell she can even use my car since my license is suspended. That's five month until my big move. Why she wont use it is beyond me? Pride, shame, embarrassment? I've told her I don't judge her. Who is a 40 year old recovering alcoholic who almost lost his job and got sent to prison to judge? Plus it's not anything I wouldn't do for any of my friends. Sometimes one has to swallow the pride in order to get life back on track. I hope she finds gets back on track some how.
My New Woman Friend
Did I mention I have a new goumada ala Tony Soprano. I really don't think I'm going to bring this behavior up with Terry. This time though it's not like I'm cheating. I have no girlfriend so I just found someone to spend a little time with. It's physical but there is a little companionship too. It's not like this woman is looking for a relationship either. I'm planning to spend a little time with her before the end of the month. I just plan to get to know her, talk a little and share a little time. Things go right I get laid again. Nothing complicated.
One More Vacation
Even though Dee canceled her trip to see me I decided to keep my scheduled days off from work. It's basically a mental health move and also helps in marking down the time I have left on probation. The plan is to once again go visit family. I'm taking close to two weeks off and I don't want to spend them staring at my walls. I did enough of that when I was off on medical getting my shit together. Since my nephews are still out of school I want us to do something. I brought up the idea of maybe going camping. I checked out reservations at the state park but no shelters are available. I'm going to call on Monday and see if there is a waiting list. If not we may try tent camping if we can get a spot with electricity. My mom wont camp with out it.
Fathers
Father's health and mortality seems to be a theme among friends. My shrinks receptionist and I talked at length about losing fathers and how we coped. She lost her father about a year ago. We talked about how her and her mother are dealing with it. I just reassured her that with time she'll still remember him and miss him but the pain will ease.
Swami's father remains in poor health. I'm surprised the old man is still hanging in there. Like Swami says though, the old man's a fighter. He's already lost one leg and they are fighting to save the other. I just pray for them and put it in God's hands. Compounding matters for Swami is that he's on the hit list for job's layoffs.
William's father is also struggling with his health. Like Swami's dad, William's father is diabetic and struggles with all its complications. He hasn't lost any limbs but has been hospitalized at least twice that I know of. I think the last bout was with organ failure. William and his sister took the weekend to go visit. I think he's out of the woods for now but it was a close call. A lot closer than William is letting on to. It's not a death bed scene though. The father is well enough that Will's sister is going camping with some friends.
Violet Disappears Again
At last but not least is Violet. Remember I wrote that bad things happen when she's quiet. I hadn't really spoken to her in a few weeks. I'd call her at work and she was either busy or people were around and she couldn't talk. I called her on Wednesday and her coworker told me she quit. That's it. She's pulled another disappearing act. I don't know if she's headed back to Texas, found another job in Florida or some other scheme in mind. I know she's struggling financially so quitting work wasn't a smart move. She has no car and things weren't looking to good for making rent.
She has a standing offer to stay with me until she gets back on her feet. I've offered her rent free, bills free accommodations until she starts working again. Hell she can even use my car since my license is suspended. That's five month until my big move. Why she wont use it is beyond me? Pride, shame, embarrassment? I've told her I don't judge her. Who is a 40 year old recovering alcoholic who almost lost his job and got sent to prison to judge? Plus it's not anything I wouldn't do for any of my friends. Sometimes one has to swallow the pride in order to get life back on track. I hope she finds gets back on track some how.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Terry Therapy Sessions IV
Went to therapist today. Good session but nothing groundbreaking. We talked about my vacation and how it went with my family.
We also discussed my anxiety on going back to work and the feelings I get from working the day shift. She agrees with my shrink that it is the adjustment period after being gone for six months.
We also talked about my barriers still. One of my stress triggers at work is being forced to work overtime and not having a ride. I told her I might let one of my coworkers on the other shift in on what's going on. I didn't think Andrea would mind and she definitely would keep what I tell her in confidence. I'm not sure if she'll give me a ride but I more than sure I could tell her my situation. Maybe not the whole story but still enough.
We also delved into my aversion to working the day shift. As well as it being the adjustment period to returning to work, I also react to the number of people on around and a fear of exposure to my situation. When I work nights it's only four of us on shift. On days there are more shift members plus technical, clerical and management staff. While the odds are against it, I have a fear of discovery and the number of people around triggers that fear. While I have nothing to fear, the inconvenience of the unannounced drug tests triggers it too.
We talked about the family gatherings and my dislike of going to them. It's not that I don't like my family and not that they don't like me. Part of it is just me being distant from them for so long and not really having much in common with them. Besides work and being blood relatives, I don't share anything with them. Even at family get togethers I find myself talking to just a few people. Like friends my friends, there are just a few family I let completely in my life.
She then asked if I'd always been this way or I was picked on, bullied or intimidated when growing up. No I hadn't. In fact in high school I never lacked for friends. My group was pretty big. I could count about twenty friends. They weren't just my friends. We were all friends. Within that group we had a cliches, conflicts and disputes but it was well known that we were there for each other. If anyone outsider messed with one of us, that person could count on the other guys to have his back.
Another point we touched on is reinforcing my decision making about drinking. That next time I won't have it easy. I will go to jail. No question. No one walks from a fourth DWI. The sentence is 2-10 years. I would destroy me and everything I've worked for. More than likely a judge would probably give me a year for each DWI. I'd probably be looking at four years prison.
I think that's most of what we covered. At least it's the major talking points. I go back next week for another session.
We also discussed my anxiety on going back to work and the feelings I get from working the day shift. She agrees with my shrink that it is the adjustment period after being gone for six months.
We also talked about my barriers still. One of my stress triggers at work is being forced to work overtime and not having a ride. I told her I might let one of my coworkers on the other shift in on what's going on. I didn't think Andrea would mind and she definitely would keep what I tell her in confidence. I'm not sure if she'll give me a ride but I more than sure I could tell her my situation. Maybe not the whole story but still enough.
We also delved into my aversion to working the day shift. As well as it being the adjustment period to returning to work, I also react to the number of people on around and a fear of exposure to my situation. When I work nights it's only four of us on shift. On days there are more shift members plus technical, clerical and management staff. While the odds are against it, I have a fear of discovery and the number of people around triggers that fear. While I have nothing to fear, the inconvenience of the unannounced drug tests triggers it too.
We talked about the family gatherings and my dislike of going to them. It's not that I don't like my family and not that they don't like me. Part of it is just me being distant from them for so long and not really having much in common with them. Besides work and being blood relatives, I don't share anything with them. Even at family get togethers I find myself talking to just a few people. Like friends my friends, there are just a few family I let completely in my life.
She then asked if I'd always been this way or I was picked on, bullied or intimidated when growing up. No I hadn't. In fact in high school I never lacked for friends. My group was pretty big. I could count about twenty friends. They weren't just my friends. We were all friends. Within that group we had a cliches, conflicts and disputes but it was well known that we were there for each other. If anyone outsider messed with one of us, that person could count on the other guys to have his back.
Another point we touched on is reinforcing my decision making about drinking. That next time I won't have it easy. I will go to jail. No question. No one walks from a fourth DWI. The sentence is 2-10 years. I would destroy me and everything I've worked for. More than likely a judge would probably give me a year for each DWI. I'd probably be looking at four years prison.
I think that's most of what we covered. At least it's the major talking points. I go back next week for another session.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Nothing Special
Free wheeling thoughts this week. I was on vacation and visiting my family out of town. I had a nice relaxing time. The most strenuous thing I did was mow my mother's lawn. Other than I didn't do jack shit. It was good.
The big question on my mind was whether my sister's middle child still adored me. He does. I thought with school, soccer and new friend's he'd forget about his Uncle Pope. No he didn't. He came with my sister to pick me up and drive me back for the visit. His love to me is so unconditional it's unbelievable. I just own the moon for this kid. My sister says she runs a close second to me on who he loves most. It's great knowing someone cares for me so much.
Violet has been unusually quiet. Bad things happen when she's quiet. She's either found a new sucker or is going to show up on my doorstep in the next few months.
Rebecca and I still talk but she's about as useless as tits on a bull to my situation.
About the only time I spend with anyone on a regular basis is my old high school friend William. He's basically my version of Luca Brasi/Al Neri in his undying loyalty to me. Read the Godfather if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Tomorrow I go see the substance abuse doctor who helped my lawyer build my case. He put me on a program to prove to the court that I wanted to was willing to quit drinking. When it all came to a head it worked. Tomorrow's visit is a follow up for what? I'm not sure but I'm going.
Finally, today I had a visit with my shrink. I was hoping she would changes my meds. I've been back to work for two month's now. I told her my anxieties and working. She says it's part of the adjustments in getting my life back on track. She set our visit for two months from now.
I have my Terry Therapy Session on Thursday. As I've written before I think it's going ok. The trust issues and the reaching out problem I'm working on right now. I still can't get over how much an effect dating Violet messed me up. That's some deep rooted issues there. The other thing Terry nailed on the head was my reaction on returning from vacation. She said I would be relaxed but be prepared to feel the anxieties of my problems on my return. Damn did I. I had the major meltdown the night I got back. I have to bring that up with her.
Well, I'm sleepy but needed to vent. Good night.
The big question on my mind was whether my sister's middle child still adored me. He does. I thought with school, soccer and new friend's he'd forget about his Uncle Pope. No he didn't. He came with my sister to pick me up and drive me back for the visit. His love to me is so unconditional it's unbelievable. I just own the moon for this kid. My sister says she runs a close second to me on who he loves most. It's great knowing someone cares for me so much.
Violet has been unusually quiet. Bad things happen when she's quiet. She's either found a new sucker or is going to show up on my doorstep in the next few months.
Rebecca and I still talk but she's about as useless as tits on a bull to my situation.
About the only time I spend with anyone on a regular basis is my old high school friend William. He's basically my version of Luca Brasi/Al Neri in his undying loyalty to me. Read the Godfather if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Tomorrow I go see the substance abuse doctor who helped my lawyer build my case. He put me on a program to prove to the court that I wanted to was willing to quit drinking. When it all came to a head it worked. Tomorrow's visit is a follow up for what? I'm not sure but I'm going.
Finally, today I had a visit with my shrink. I was hoping she would changes my meds. I've been back to work for two month's now. I told her my anxieties and working. She says it's part of the adjustments in getting my life back on track. She set our visit for two months from now.
I have my Terry Therapy Session on Thursday. As I've written before I think it's going ok. The trust issues and the reaching out problem I'm working on right now. I still can't get over how much an effect dating Violet messed me up. That's some deep rooted issues there. The other thing Terry nailed on the head was my reaction on returning from vacation. She said I would be relaxed but be prepared to feel the anxieties of my problems on my return. Damn did I. I had the major meltdown the night I got back. I have to bring that up with her.
Well, I'm sleepy but needed to vent. Good night.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The Terry Therapy Sessions III
Well I think I had a break through of sorts. My therapist and I have come to the conclusion I have trust issues. It's pretty bad too. As far as Terry can tell, me ex-girlfriend Violet was the one that messed me up. So on top of my high expectations for relationships and lack of communicating, I now don't trust women that come into my life. Great.
Terry tells me that my depression is 85% chemical imbalance and 15% rooted in other issues. She's looking to find out what that 15% is. She doesn't think it has anything to do with my upbringing. I had a fairly good family life and moral support from them. About the only thing that is messing me up family wise was the Golden Boy image of my brother.
So back to the trust issue. As I sit here writing this I can't put my finger on exactly what my trust misgivings are. I need to follow that up with Terry. The relationship with Violet though seems to have scarred me. As a result I don't trust women and it's a barrier to having a solid relationship.
The other thing we touched on was my strong hesitation on asking for help and letting people help me out. I feel like I'm a burden to people when I ask for rides and help taking me places. She said that I shouldn't feel that way. People are helping me out cause they want to. They see my situation and are willing to do favors for me. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm imposing on them. I did make some progress though in that I allowed a coworker to help me out with my car and I asked a friend for a ride to the counselor. They were very helpful and I'm very grateful to them. It also brings down the anxiety levels some.
The anxiety problem is something else I need to work on. I was totally relaxed this past week when I went to visit my mom and family. I've been back home less that 24 hours and already I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I don't even know why I'm all tensed up and feeling depressed. I'm getting up tomorrow, I'm going to work and nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. That's it and I'm all fucked up.
I see my shrink next week and I need to bring this up with her. I think I need an adjustment in my medication. Right now I have no reason to feel all tensed up, depressed and anxious. I had a good vacation with my family. I spent time with my nephews too and my best friend. All went well.
I brought it up with Terry that I'm feeling desperately lonely. I was looking forward to Dee's visit in August (that's a different story). It was one of the milestones to my probation count down I was using. Terry asked me if there was any thought of having a relationship with Dee. I said yes I've thought about it. Terry pointed out that I have a great friendship with her and that is the basis for a strong foundation for a relationship. Me and Dee had discussed it in the past. We talked about it last year but I was in no position cause of my legal problems. Dee withheld telling me about she felt about me cause I was dating Rebecca. She further hesitated telling me when in a drunken state I told Dee that I was in love with Rebecca.
Dee was right. I thought I was in love with Rebecca and had she brought up the subject of us having a relationship I would have told her no. What's further fucked up is how I knew in my heart that me and Rebecca were done but that I didn't want to leave her because I didn't want to be alone. I got used to spending the time and having someone in my life even though it was a dead end. To me a bad relationship was preferable to no relationship.
Dee also tells me that she thinks Rebecca and Violet are poison in my life. That I was able to cut out the other girlfriends and move on. It's something I'm very sensitive to. She asked me when I was going to cut ties with them. I told her not anytime soon. I know this thought would send her ballistic but I'd soon as cut them out of my life as I would her. It's just not going to happen.
As for Dee and I getting together, that's not going to happen anytime soon. I'll keep a long story short. She called me up in the middle of my vacation. I knew something was up. Sure enough she confessed her feelings for me. She was having anxiety attacks about coming to visit me and she couldn't make the air reservations to see me. Her therapist told her I was the underlying reason for these anxiety feelings and she needed to tell me. It didn't stun me and I had been contemplating this. I just don't have those feelings for her. I consider her a great friend and she's helped me out immensely with my anxieties, depressions and listening to me through my legal woes. It's just through all that I never developed the feelings for her that she has for me. She started crying and I told her that I was sorry.
I just don't have romantic feelings for Dee. My thinking was muddled for two days after our conversation but I finally was able to think it through. I wasn't going to lie to Dee and give her false hope of a future together. It would just be a recipe for disaster if I told her I liked her too. The last thing I want to do is hurt her and I would cause far more damage telling her I liked her than I would in telling her the truth. It just wouldn't be right.
Well I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to muddle through work this weekend. I need to decide what to do with the week Dee was coming to visit me. I have to either cancel the vacation time or reschedule it. It's a bummer. I was really looking forward to the visit and just not for the sex. I need the company. Sadly, like most my plans with women, this didn't come to fruition.
Terry tells me that my depression is 85% chemical imbalance and 15% rooted in other issues. She's looking to find out what that 15% is. She doesn't think it has anything to do with my upbringing. I had a fairly good family life and moral support from them. About the only thing that is messing me up family wise was the Golden Boy image of my brother.
So back to the trust issue. As I sit here writing this I can't put my finger on exactly what my trust misgivings are. I need to follow that up with Terry. The relationship with Violet though seems to have scarred me. As a result I don't trust women and it's a barrier to having a solid relationship.
The other thing we touched on was my strong hesitation on asking for help and letting people help me out. I feel like I'm a burden to people when I ask for rides and help taking me places. She said that I shouldn't feel that way. People are helping me out cause they want to. They see my situation and are willing to do favors for me. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm imposing on them. I did make some progress though in that I allowed a coworker to help me out with my car and I asked a friend for a ride to the counselor. They were very helpful and I'm very grateful to them. It also brings down the anxiety levels some.
The anxiety problem is something else I need to work on. I was totally relaxed this past week when I went to visit my mom and family. I've been back home less that 24 hours and already I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I don't even know why I'm all tensed up and feeling depressed. I'm getting up tomorrow, I'm going to work and nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. That's it and I'm all fucked up.
I see my shrink next week and I need to bring this up with her. I think I need an adjustment in my medication. Right now I have no reason to feel all tensed up, depressed and anxious. I had a good vacation with my family. I spent time with my nephews too and my best friend. All went well.
I brought it up with Terry that I'm feeling desperately lonely. I was looking forward to Dee's visit in August (that's a different story). It was one of the milestones to my probation count down I was using. Terry asked me if there was any thought of having a relationship with Dee. I said yes I've thought about it. Terry pointed out that I have a great friendship with her and that is the basis for a strong foundation for a relationship. Me and Dee had discussed it in the past. We talked about it last year but I was in no position cause of my legal problems. Dee withheld telling me about she felt about me cause I was dating Rebecca. She further hesitated telling me when in a drunken state I told Dee that I was in love with Rebecca.
Dee was right. I thought I was in love with Rebecca and had she brought up the subject of us having a relationship I would have told her no. What's further fucked up is how I knew in my heart that me and Rebecca were done but that I didn't want to leave her because I didn't want to be alone. I got used to spending the time and having someone in my life even though it was a dead end. To me a bad relationship was preferable to no relationship.
Dee also tells me that she thinks Rebecca and Violet are poison in my life. That I was able to cut out the other girlfriends and move on. It's something I'm very sensitive to. She asked me when I was going to cut ties with them. I told her not anytime soon. I know this thought would send her ballistic but I'd soon as cut them out of my life as I would her. It's just not going to happen.
As for Dee and I getting together, that's not going to happen anytime soon. I'll keep a long story short. She called me up in the middle of my vacation. I knew something was up. Sure enough she confessed her feelings for me. She was having anxiety attacks about coming to visit me and she couldn't make the air reservations to see me. Her therapist told her I was the underlying reason for these anxiety feelings and she needed to tell me. It didn't stun me and I had been contemplating this. I just don't have those feelings for her. I consider her a great friend and she's helped me out immensely with my anxieties, depressions and listening to me through my legal woes. It's just through all that I never developed the feelings for her that she has for me. She started crying and I told her that I was sorry.
I just don't have romantic feelings for Dee. My thinking was muddled for two days after our conversation but I finally was able to think it through. I wasn't going to lie to Dee and give her false hope of a future together. It would just be a recipe for disaster if I told her I liked her too. The last thing I want to do is hurt her and I would cause far more damage telling her I liked her than I would in telling her the truth. It just wouldn't be right.
Well I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to muddle through work this weekend. I need to decide what to do with the week Dee was coming to visit me. I have to either cancel the vacation time or reschedule it. It's a bummer. I was really looking forward to the visit and just not for the sex. I need the company. Sadly, like most my plans with women, this didn't come to fruition.
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