I saw my new therapist for the second time today. I really like her. I hope first impressions last. She seems to know her stuff.
I write this while it's fresh in my mind. A few things I need to look at and start thinking about.
First, I told her about my anxiety attacks this weekend. She acknowledges that is part of my make up. What I need to do is start changing my thinking patterns. That when things start to overwhelm me she wants me to start to slowdown. It sounds cliche but she wants me to take deep breaths and walk away from the situation. Watch a movie, read a book or magazine or call a friend to distract myself. Take a break from my overreacting thinking even if it is only for thirty minutes.
She explained it this way to me. When a person starts to get anxious, the flight or fight response kicks in. The mind doesn't differentiate from a physical or imagined threat. In my case, even though I knew I was going to be okay, I built my situation up in mind and went into thinking overdrive. All the endorphins the body creates in a flight or fight situation built up like toxins in my body. They continually build up because I couldn't find a release or solution. When I called my shrink on Sunday and she gave me the xanax script I found a release. I told her I didn't take the medication. She said I still felt relief because I made the call and picked up the script. That my mind knew that if continued this path of thinking I would take the meds and would calm down. So I knew there was relief one way or another and that my body stepped down from the amped up mode.
She also asked me to look at why I didn't reach out to someone sooner. Why did I let myself linger for three or four days in my misery? I told her I knew Dee was going to call me since she hadn't seen me online and that when I saw the email from Dee I really didn't want to open it. I had a feeling of dread that I would have to reply to Dee through email or IM. She asked me why I felt that dread. I said because Dee would ask me what's going on and that I really didn't want to deal with it. Why the dread and why do I not want to deal with my misery? Pride. It boils down to pride and not wanting to admit I'm having a problem.
She then asked me if I have a problem asking for help. I said for the most part I do. She says I have a pride issue and it's something I need to work on. It's not a bad thing. It's just that I need to realize it and know when I'm letting my pride cause me problems. Pride can be a debilitating issue. It's one thing to have pride in one's work and accomplishments. It's another to let it get so big that one can't swallow one's ego and ask for help. No one wants admit they have flaws but one shouldn't allow damage to one's health either because they won't ask for help.
She gave me a situation. Imagine that a friend came to me and said he had a big cocaine problem. How would I treat or react to him? I said I would offer any help I could and would be there for them. Why? He is my friend and I care for him. It would be my privilege to help him. I would feel great that he could turn to me for help. She asked me why I don't reach out when I need help? Did I think I was better than my friends? I said on some level I think that I am. She said it was the pride issue.
She told me that I need to show that same empathy and care for myself that I would show a friend. I can't beat myself up over an issue there is a solution to. It is human to think I'm better but I need to change my thinking and look for help when it's there.
She also says the pride issue comes from the Golden Boy image of my brother and the high esteem others hold him in. It's issue that we will delve deeper into at another time. She said that not only does the pride trigger the depression but it might be the reverse. That my depression might trigger the pride.
She says I know what my issues are and that I deal with them only when things come to a crisis point. That I need to change my thinking patterns and start confronting things sooner. She says it's not easy and it won't happen soon. Only with with time and gradual changes in my behavior will I be able to deal with my anxieties and breaking down my debilitating pride.
We also talked about my drinking. We've already established I drink when I'm bored. She also asked what other situations I drink in. I said anytime. When I'm out with friends. When I go to parties or dinners. I just drink. Why then do I drink in these situations? Do I think it makes me funnier, dance better or more outgoing? I think times it does. I told her that sometimes I'm having a good time and that drinking enhances that feeling. She says we need to explore why I feel that drinking enhances a good time. That there is an issue on why I can't just be out with friends and not enjoy that feeling and be happy.
She asked me if I always drink when with friends like when we are playing cards or just hanging out. I said no. The group of friends I play poker with don't allow me to drink. They know about my previous DWI, not this one though, and that they might let me have a drink or two but that's it. I said I can respect that and that it doesn't drive me away from them. She said I need to learn to hold my self accountable at the same level my friends do.
Right now I have the fear and the accountability that work and probation are holding me to. In the future all that will be gone. I need to start now in instilling that accountability in myself.
We covered a lot of ground in a fifty minute session. It's only a start though and we will be digging deeper into these issues and more as time progresses. I know all this isn't ground breaking news to me. I've written before about my pride and how I don't want to admit I have flaws. It's just now I have help in how to tackle these issues. I have someone who is trained in counseling and can guide me in the direction I need go. Like Swami tells me, it's a different perspective on things.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Return to Work
Tuesday was the first day back at work. Six months off from work to deal with my legal and alcohol issues. After four months, I went down to half pay. Thankfully I have savings to get me through that half pay issues. But it's going to be nice have a full pay check again.
I was nervous about returning. Before, my anxieties were about the conditions that were going to be put on me. Next crisis was the return to work.
I made it ok. I had to report to medical and give a breath and urine sample. Then they released me to work.
The whole day was bringing up my certifications online. Also I had to make sure I had all my passwords reset and access to all my computers and programs I need to work.
No one made a big deal about me returning except one guy. He talked aloud about how I know how to work the system and get a good vacation. It was harmless banter. I think it made my coworkers who know my situation more nervous than me.
I filled out my vacation days in order to attend football games on the days I work. I also put in for the day off when I have the first meeting with the aftercare counselor. I have to work that day and couldn't finagle it to get transportation to and from work. So my work around is just take the whole day off. These meetings with the counselor are of utmost importance. To miss one is a major violation of the contract. I plan to schedule them on my off days or night shifts. My supervisor says she'll work with me on it too. But I haven't informed them that I have a suspended license so leaving and coming back to work isn't an option.
My supervisor talked to me while we were at work. First, she wanted me to know my confidentiality is of utmost importance. Second, if I need to talk to her about any issues that her door is open. She wants me to succeed. Anything she can do to help for me not to be afraid to ask. And that if anyone at work gives me problems about asking why I was off, just to tell them I don't want to talk about it. If they give me problems, then talk to her. She wants me to be comfortable in returning to work.
So, it's going to be a while where I can feel completely comfortable at work. Get into the swing of working rotation shifts again. Going to see who I can approach about picking me up on the shifts I don't work. It will all work out. I'm not worried. I just need to have faith in my friends.
I need to work on getting an occupational license too. My lawyer hasn't returned my calls for the last three weeks. It's pissing me off. I paid him good money and I figured he'd want the repeat business. I can't wait any longer though. I need to move on and see if I can get one or not. It would go a long way to helping make my life a lot easier. No I won't be able to run around all over creation but I'll drive to work, the grocery store and be able to at least eat at restaurants along the way to the stores. That's something to break the monotony of just working and AA meetings. Anything helps.
I was nervous about returning. Before, my anxieties were about the conditions that were going to be put on me. Next crisis was the return to work.
I made it ok. I had to report to medical and give a breath and urine sample. Then they released me to work.
The whole day was bringing up my certifications online. Also I had to make sure I had all my passwords reset and access to all my computers and programs I need to work.
No one made a big deal about me returning except one guy. He talked aloud about how I know how to work the system and get a good vacation. It was harmless banter. I think it made my coworkers who know my situation more nervous than me.
I filled out my vacation days in order to attend football games on the days I work. I also put in for the day off when I have the first meeting with the aftercare counselor. I have to work that day and couldn't finagle it to get transportation to and from work. So my work around is just take the whole day off. These meetings with the counselor are of utmost importance. To miss one is a major violation of the contract. I plan to schedule them on my off days or night shifts. My supervisor says she'll work with me on it too. But I haven't informed them that I have a suspended license so leaving and coming back to work isn't an option.
My supervisor talked to me while we were at work. First, she wanted me to know my confidentiality is of utmost importance. Second, if I need to talk to her about any issues that her door is open. She wants me to succeed. Anything she can do to help for me not to be afraid to ask. And that if anyone at work gives me problems about asking why I was off, just to tell them I don't want to talk about it. If they give me problems, then talk to her. She wants me to be comfortable in returning to work.
So, it's going to be a while where I can feel completely comfortable at work. Get into the swing of working rotation shifts again. Going to see who I can approach about picking me up on the shifts I don't work. It will all work out. I'm not worried. I just need to have faith in my friends.
I need to work on getting an occupational license too. My lawyer hasn't returned my calls for the last three weeks. It's pissing me off. I paid him good money and I figured he'd want the repeat business. I can't wait any longer though. I need to move on and see if I can get one or not. It would go a long way to helping make my life a lot easier. No I won't be able to run around all over creation but I'll drive to work, the grocery store and be able to at least eat at restaurants along the way to the stores. That's something to break the monotony of just working and AA meetings. Anything helps.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Anxiety on returning to work, terms set for returning
Finally, I return to work. I need to. Half pay only goes so far. I shouldn't bitch. I kept my job. I have to do AA twice a week, meet with my therapist once a week, meet with the drug counsellor twice a month and random drug tests. I had to sign a contract stipulating all of the above and that if I mess up it's grounds for termination. I have to follow this aftercare program for two years. After that, the terms of the contract are completed. For three more years though, I'll still be subject to random drug testing.
To be honest, I think it's a bunch of bullshit. I've been sober almost nine months. They didn't factor any of that in. They just slapped me with the two years and the conditions. As far as AA, I'm just going to go through the motions. Twelve steps isn't my thing. AA says I'm just not drinking but since I don't do the step, I will eventually return to drinking. I think that's cult thinking. Do it our way or you won't succeed.
Not having transportation is the real pain. I just keep telling myself, February isn't that far off. Once work starts, time will go fast, football season will be here and then before I know it, my license is reinstated.
My lawyer has pissed me off. I've been calling him for three weeks now and no return calls. I want to see if I qualify for an occupational license. My administrative suspension is up in July but the court ordered one is until February. Once I'm mobile, I won't have trouble making all the meetings and random drug tests.
This is it though. I can't drink anymore. One slip up and I'm fired. They said if I relapse and come clean with them, they won't fire me. They will just have to see what happened and maybe adjust my aftercare program to ensure I stay sober. However, if I don't tell them and I get drug tested and fail, there is no hope.
I had to sign releases in order for my counselor to talk to my psychiatrist and the medical department. I haven't signed a release for my therapist yet. I really don't want to. I don't want the counselor privy to everything in my therapy sessions. I want my therapy sessions to be a place where I can vent and feel safe. I don't think I can be completely open in therapy if I know all I say will be getting reported back to the counselor. Like the AA thing, I'd like to say hey I don't like AA to my therapist. What I don't want is her reporting our sessions and then my counselor asking me why I don't like AA.
I'm so grateful that my doctor called me back when I called her answering service. We talked about what was going on. She was surprised they hadn't let me back to work. I told her I was getting anxiety and almost had a panic attack. She called in a script for xanax of 1 mg. I don't like taking it so I didn't. I wont tell my shrink that though. I deeply cherish my psychiatrist. She's been here for me through think and thin. She called pack when I called her answering service with in five minutes. The drug counselors that I've talked to have nothing but rave reviews about her. She was very helpful in not letting my life fall apart and helpful getting my time I need off from work to accomplish and take care of getting my life in order to succeed. Without her I would have been a basket case. I'm glad I found her. It was pure luck. My HMO sent me a list and I like her name so I chose here. It's worked out beautifully for me. She's genuine and has my best interests at heart. And it's just reinforced when I hear someone say what a wonderful doctor she is.
I'll admit my anxiety of returning to work is bothering me. I'm sure people will ask me of what's going on. All I'm going to say is that it was medical issues and leave it at that. I'm sure there will be rumors since I'll be riding into work with other but that's small potatoes. Once I get the routine down, everything will be okay.
Only thing I have to worry about is having someone meet me at the gate tomorrow and go to medical. Medical will be my first UA. Nothing to worry about there. I'm clean.
Once I get a routine down, I plan and going to visit my mom, sister and husband with the kids. It would be a nice way to get out of here. I think it would help time go too. Two weeks in San Antonio and maybe a week in Florida to see Dee. After that, football kicks off and once it gets going, time flies for me.
It's amazing how time has flown by for me since the arrest. Nine months already. I put myself through a lot but it's all for the good. The judge could have thrown the book at me. I showed I was willing to work at my sobriety by getting myself clean and going to rehab program. It worked and she gave me the lightest sentence possible. Actually, I think she went beyond what's required. State law mandates 80 minimum hours community service and 5-30 days in jail with two years probation. Instead she waived the community service and the jail time. She had me continue using antebuse and suspended my license for a year.
I'm going to live to fight again. So what I'm under their thump for two years and drug test for three additional years. It's probably saving me from myself in the long run.
Dios te Bendiga
Juan Pablo III
To be honest, I think it's a bunch of bullshit. I've been sober almost nine months. They didn't factor any of that in. They just slapped me with the two years and the conditions. As far as AA, I'm just going to go through the motions. Twelve steps isn't my thing. AA says I'm just not drinking but since I don't do the step, I will eventually return to drinking. I think that's cult thinking. Do it our way or you won't succeed.
Not having transportation is the real pain. I just keep telling myself, February isn't that far off. Once work starts, time will go fast, football season will be here and then before I know it, my license is reinstated.
My lawyer has pissed me off. I've been calling him for three weeks now and no return calls. I want to see if I qualify for an occupational license. My administrative suspension is up in July but the court ordered one is until February. Once I'm mobile, I won't have trouble making all the meetings and random drug tests.
This is it though. I can't drink anymore. One slip up and I'm fired. They said if I relapse and come clean with them, they won't fire me. They will just have to see what happened and maybe adjust my aftercare program to ensure I stay sober. However, if I don't tell them and I get drug tested and fail, there is no hope.
I had to sign releases in order for my counselor to talk to my psychiatrist and the medical department. I haven't signed a release for my therapist yet. I really don't want to. I don't want the counselor privy to everything in my therapy sessions. I want my therapy sessions to be a place where I can vent and feel safe. I don't think I can be completely open in therapy if I know all I say will be getting reported back to the counselor. Like the AA thing, I'd like to say hey I don't like AA to my therapist. What I don't want is her reporting our sessions and then my counselor asking me why I don't like AA.
I'm so grateful that my doctor called me back when I called her answering service. We talked about what was going on. She was surprised they hadn't let me back to work. I told her I was getting anxiety and almost had a panic attack. She called in a script for xanax of 1 mg. I don't like taking it so I didn't. I wont tell my shrink that though. I deeply cherish my psychiatrist. She's been here for me through think and thin. She called pack when I called her answering service with in five minutes. The drug counselors that I've talked to have nothing but rave reviews about her. She was very helpful in not letting my life fall apart and helpful getting my time I need off from work to accomplish and take care of getting my life in order to succeed. Without her I would have been a basket case. I'm glad I found her. It was pure luck. My HMO sent me a list and I like her name so I chose here. It's worked out beautifully for me. She's genuine and has my best interests at heart. And it's just reinforced when I hear someone say what a wonderful doctor she is.
I'll admit my anxiety of returning to work is bothering me. I'm sure people will ask me of what's going on. All I'm going to say is that it was medical issues and leave it at that. I'm sure there will be rumors since I'll be riding into work with other but that's small potatoes. Once I get the routine down, everything will be okay.
Only thing I have to worry about is having someone meet me at the gate tomorrow and go to medical. Medical will be my first UA. Nothing to worry about there. I'm clean.
Once I get a routine down, I plan and going to visit my mom, sister and husband with the kids. It would be a nice way to get out of here. I think it would help time go too. Two weeks in San Antonio and maybe a week in Florida to see Dee. After that, football kicks off and once it gets going, time flies for me.
It's amazing how time has flown by for me since the arrest. Nine months already. I put myself through a lot but it's all for the good. The judge could have thrown the book at me. I showed I was willing to work at my sobriety by getting myself clean and going to rehab program. It worked and she gave me the lightest sentence possible. Actually, I think she went beyond what's required. State law mandates 80 minimum hours community service and 5-30 days in jail with two years probation. Instead she waived the community service and the jail time. She had me continue using antebuse and suspended my license for a year.
I'm going to live to fight again. So what I'm under their thump for two years and drug test for three additional years. It's probably saving me from myself in the long run.
Dios te Bendiga
Juan Pablo III
Tomorrow at noon I have the meeting with the counselor and work. I'm taking a union rep with me. I'm anxious as hell. I was so bad I had to call my shrink. She called in a xanax prescription for me. I hate taking the stuff. I still haven't showered. I really need to. I'm just so out of it. I just want to go back to work and get my life back on track.
That's all.
That's all.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Frustrations
The wait on returning to work in not sitting well with me. I called the medical department and lady handling my case said she was waiting to hear back from the counselor they sent me to. She told me that she would follow up. I'm still waiting.
I went to see a therapist on Monday. It was an initial visit. She asked me a bunch of questions to get to know me. Typical stuff and I go back to see her in two weeks. I told her about this blog. She asked me to print out some pages so we can discuss what's been going on with my life. I have no problem with that.
I was flipping through the channels over the weekend. Big surprise given my situation. I heard a line from some kid on a show,"I'm nineteen. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions." Good luck. I'm thirty nine. I still don't make my own decisions.
I realize that I put myself in my own situation but I know I'll never be full in charge of my own decisions. I'm under the thumb of the probation department for the next nine months. I'll be under a watch from work for the next two years. Will I truly be free after that? No. I'll still have to take drugs for my depression. I'll never be free from that. What about drinking? I'll never be free from that. I can't drink and control it. I have to stay away from that. I can't control myself when it comes to drinking. That is something I'll never be able to escape for the rest of my life.
My legal record will follow me for the rest of my life. Three DWIs are going no where. The state of Texas doesn't allow it to drop off like other infractions on a driving record.
Overall I'm just frustrated and feel stuck. I want out of where I live so bad. I want to be free to move about again. I want to be able to drive to a game or a movie. I want to be able to go have dinner without worrying about drinking and driving. I want work to be off my back. I just feel like I have chains and shackles weighing me down.
I went to see a therapist on Monday. It was an initial visit. She asked me a bunch of questions to get to know me. Typical stuff and I go back to see her in two weeks. I told her about this blog. She asked me to print out some pages so we can discuss what's been going on with my life. I have no problem with that.
I was flipping through the channels over the weekend. Big surprise given my situation. I heard a line from some kid on a show,"I'm nineteen. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions." Good luck. I'm thirty nine. I still don't make my own decisions.
I realize that I put myself in my own situation but I know I'll never be full in charge of my own decisions. I'm under the thumb of the probation department for the next nine months. I'll be under a watch from work for the next two years. Will I truly be free after that? No. I'll still have to take drugs for my depression. I'll never be free from that. What about drinking? I'll never be free from that. I can't drink and control it. I have to stay away from that. I can't control myself when it comes to drinking. That is something I'll never be able to escape for the rest of my life.
My legal record will follow me for the rest of my life. Three DWIs are going no where. The state of Texas doesn't allow it to drop off like other infractions on a driving record.
Overall I'm just frustrated and feel stuck. I want out of where I live so bad. I want to be free to move about again. I want to be able to drive to a game or a movie. I want to be able to go have dinner without worrying about drinking and driving. I want work to be off my back. I just feel like I have chains and shackles weighing me down.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Miserable night
I was fucking miserable yesterday. I stayed up late and then slept all day. I kept tossing and turning. I slept lightly and in fits. I got out of bed at something like 2:30 p.m. I got up and thought maybe if I distracted myself on by surfing the web that I'd feel all right. Nothing. By 4:30 I was back in bed. I slept some more.
I called a friend to see if he was going to an AA meeting. I figured maybe if I went I'd snap out of this. People in AA always say get to a meeting or that they need to go to a meeting. I've never understood what that meant. I'm pretty sure yesterday was as close as I'll know. A lot of them say it helps them not drink. I can say I was in no danger of drinking but I guess that's what is meant that I need a meeting.
My friend never called me back and I didn't call anyone else about going to a meeting. It was probably a bad choice. I ended up being miserable all night.
In a sign that one addiction substitutes for another, I ate constantly last night and downed Dr. Peppers. Last time I went to my shrink I weighed myself and I had regained the weight I lost when all the shit hit the fan. I now think I've surpassed that. I pound down chocolate like it's going out of style and I drink soft drinks. In an effort to hold down the soft drink calories I've taken to drinking cool aide. Problem with that is it's too sweet and tastes too good. I end up drinking it too quick.
I woke up not feeling any better this morning. And on that note, I'll be back. I need a fucking shower and then I need to eat.
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Okay, I'm back. Fuck I needed to shower. Now I feel much better. Got the Zune plugged in on random play. I'm good to go.
As I was writing, I didn't feel much better this morning. I took a sleeping pill the night before. I tend not to take them since I had to ween myself off them last year. I had to be at my probation officer's at 11:00 a.m. The taxi service around here sucks so I called around 9:00 and to my shock they showed up thirty minutes later. Since I've completed all the terms of my probation, my visits consist of me showing up and handing over a probation report, a copy of my pay stub, proof that I've been attending AA and pissing in a cup. Since I got there early, I was out of there at 11:00 on the nose.
The AA club is right down the street. I decided to walk over and take in the noon meeting. No one I knew was there when I walked in so I bought a coke and cookies from the vending machine and read a magazine. As I stated before, AA does nothing for me. A coworker and the neighbor I called both show up right before the meeting. Par for the course, I'm bored out of my mind. I play with my Blackjack phone to kill the time. Goddamn, my coworker chaired the meeting. That son of a bitch talked for twenty minutes and said nothing. Hey, though, who am I to judge? If it's what's keeping him sober then good for him.
The meeting couldn't end soon enough but when it did I went over to talk to my neighbor. We ended up bullshitting and going to lunch. Since it was his birthday I treated. It was good and it help that I had someone to talk to. We didn't talk about anything in particular but I guess the friendship was what helped. He's a little to into the whole AA thing and pushes me to have the same outlook on life and sobriety as he does. I just nod my head and agree.
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And I guess now is as good a time for my AA rant as any. AA, the twelve steps, a sponsor, meetings and higher power doesn't work for me. To me it's more important to have people to talk to and let out what's bothering me. The official stance is that alcoholism is a disease and I was adamant that it wasn't. I still can't buy into the whole concept of it being a disease. Alcoholism is real and it's nasty. It destroys the life of the user and those around them. But I still can't view it completely as disease. It's a fucking addiction like crack, cocaine and heroin.
AA and other's preach that there is no cure for alcoholism. There is only recovery. That only through a higher power can someone beat the addiction. They don't define the higher power. They leave that to the individual. I really don't buy into the higher power in that sense. I think a person needs to find strength from some where but also needs to find strength with in. There is no way a person is going to beat alcoholism with out finding that inner strength. Not all the faith and believe in a higher power is going to help an alcoholic sober up if he doesn't want to put down the bottle.
Another thing that gets me is how in meetings and in talking with others is that they say that AA is different for everyone. For example, one thing the quote constantly is "What works for me might not work for you." That the program for recovery is different for each individual. Then explain the fucking twelve steps! They call it a guide to recovery. That doesn't make any sense. If it's an individual program why do they have twelve steps? One thing that they are pounding down my throat is that I have to do the twelve steps. I have to. I have to. If I don't, I'll end up drunk again. I have to sit down with a sponsor and go through the twelve steps. There is no other way. It's bullshit.
Of all the people I've met in AA and recovery programs, I've had only two people tell me it's not about the meetings, twelve steps and a sponsor. The first was a guy I met in my original AA group. I'll call him by his initials ES. The guy was just a phenomenal human being. If anyone I've ever met has a right to do drugs and drink, it was him. Life has just shit on him anyway it could AFTER he went into recovery. Yet he had the strength to maintain his sobriety. He was my original AA sponsor. He was honored by me asking him.
About two months into it I told ES,"Hey man, this whole sponseree sponsor thing isn't for me. Nothing against you but I don't want to do it."
He was cool with it and said,"I understand. If it isn't working for you, it isn't. Are you planning on staying sober though?"
I said,"Yes, but I just don't want a sponsor. I want us to be friends and I want you to be there for me when I need to talk and hash things out but I think this whole twelve step thing is bullshit and I'm not going to do it."
"Not a problem. I want to help you in anyway I can and if that's what you want then so be it."
Around that time I was near my six months and I told him not to make a big deal about it. I don't celebrate those milestones and I don't want him doing anything for me. I also told him when my year approaches only he was going to know. I'm not doing the birthday celebration and speaking and all the shit the AA clubs do. He told me that it was fine and that is how I deal with it. All he want was at least for me to let him buy me a steak.
I miss him dearly. He got busted driving a car without his license and the judge revoked his probation. I had to tell him not to call me so much from jail cause it was running up my bill. His house got foreclosed while he was locked up and I had no other way to get in contact with him once he got out. I went a few times to the AA club where I met him and no one heard about or would say what happened to him.
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The other person that told me it wasn't about the twelve steps, the meetings and the sponsor was, of all people, one of the counselors in my last rehab outpatient stint. She told me,"Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to meetings. I want you to get to know a few people. I want you to meet people in your age group. Get their numbers and talk to them. Don't isolate yourself and stare at the walls in a meeting. I want these people to be your friends. I want you to pick up the phone and call them. For you, it's not about working steps and going to meetings. For you, it's about having a few people you can call and just talk to. I want you to call them and invite them out to coffee. You have a good job so offer to pay. I know you like to do that right?"
I nodded that I like to treat. Which I do.
"See, use that. No, these people won't be using you if you buy. They will reciprocate. The point being is I want you to get to know a few guys and this is a way to break the ice. I know you can't drive so don't be embarrassed to call them and ask for a ride or just to do something. And, when that phone rings, I don't want you to look at the caller ID and see it's your AA buddies and not answer. Pick up that phone. Let them invite you to coffee. Don't hide yourself from them. That is your recovery. Not steps, not sponsors, not meetings. That don't mean shit. I want you to interact and fellowship with guys your age in recovery."
I miss her too. She nailed me and my ways right on the head. I still go to aftercare at the facility but she's moved on.
Well, this post is by far the longest I've ever written. Once I got going though I let it rip. A lot of this has been swirling around in my head. In the long term I know I'll be fine. Sadly I'm not going to meet any other people like KS or my rehab instructor. Everybody is jamming AA meetings, working twelve steps and getting a sponsor down my throat. They have no imagination or ability to see beyond the little corner they've painted themselves into. That's why in my opinion most will never live a complete and happy life. They've been fed and taught the whole AA alcoholism concept and they can't move past it.
From inside the Vatican Apartments,
Papa Juan Pablo III
I called a friend to see if he was going to an AA meeting. I figured maybe if I went I'd snap out of this. People in AA always say get to a meeting or that they need to go to a meeting. I've never understood what that meant. I'm pretty sure yesterday was as close as I'll know. A lot of them say it helps them not drink. I can say I was in no danger of drinking but I guess that's what is meant that I need a meeting.
My friend never called me back and I didn't call anyone else about going to a meeting. It was probably a bad choice. I ended up being miserable all night.
In a sign that one addiction substitutes for another, I ate constantly last night and downed Dr. Peppers. Last time I went to my shrink I weighed myself and I had regained the weight I lost when all the shit hit the fan. I now think I've surpassed that. I pound down chocolate like it's going out of style and I drink soft drinks. In an effort to hold down the soft drink calories I've taken to drinking cool aide. Problem with that is it's too sweet and tastes too good. I end up drinking it too quick.
I woke up not feeling any better this morning. And on that note, I'll be back. I need a fucking shower and then I need to eat.
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Okay, I'm back. Fuck I needed to shower. Now I feel much better. Got the Zune plugged in on random play. I'm good to go.
As I was writing, I didn't feel much better this morning. I took a sleeping pill the night before. I tend not to take them since I had to ween myself off them last year. I had to be at my probation officer's at 11:00 a.m. The taxi service around here sucks so I called around 9:00 and to my shock they showed up thirty minutes later. Since I've completed all the terms of my probation, my visits consist of me showing up and handing over a probation report, a copy of my pay stub, proof that I've been attending AA and pissing in a cup. Since I got there early, I was out of there at 11:00 on the nose.
The AA club is right down the street. I decided to walk over and take in the noon meeting. No one I knew was there when I walked in so I bought a coke and cookies from the vending machine and read a magazine. As I stated before, AA does nothing for me. A coworker and the neighbor I called both show up right before the meeting. Par for the course, I'm bored out of my mind. I play with my Blackjack phone to kill the time. Goddamn, my coworker chaired the meeting. That son of a bitch talked for twenty minutes and said nothing. Hey, though, who am I to judge? If it's what's keeping him sober then good for him.
The meeting couldn't end soon enough but when it did I went over to talk to my neighbor. We ended up bullshitting and going to lunch. Since it was his birthday I treated. It was good and it help that I had someone to talk to. We didn't talk about anything in particular but I guess the friendship was what helped. He's a little to into the whole AA thing and pushes me to have the same outlook on life and sobriety as he does. I just nod my head and agree.
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And I guess now is as good a time for my AA rant as any. AA, the twelve steps, a sponsor, meetings and higher power doesn't work for me. To me it's more important to have people to talk to and let out what's bothering me. The official stance is that alcoholism is a disease and I was adamant that it wasn't. I still can't buy into the whole concept of it being a disease. Alcoholism is real and it's nasty. It destroys the life of the user and those around them. But I still can't view it completely as disease. It's a fucking addiction like crack, cocaine and heroin.
AA and other's preach that there is no cure for alcoholism. There is only recovery. That only through a higher power can someone beat the addiction. They don't define the higher power. They leave that to the individual. I really don't buy into the higher power in that sense. I think a person needs to find strength from some where but also needs to find strength with in. There is no way a person is going to beat alcoholism with out finding that inner strength. Not all the faith and believe in a higher power is going to help an alcoholic sober up if he doesn't want to put down the bottle.
Another thing that gets me is how in meetings and in talking with others is that they say that AA is different for everyone. For example, one thing the quote constantly is "What works for me might not work for you." That the program for recovery is different for each individual. Then explain the fucking twelve steps! They call it a guide to recovery. That doesn't make any sense. If it's an individual program why do they have twelve steps? One thing that they are pounding down my throat is that I have to do the twelve steps. I have to. I have to. If I don't, I'll end up drunk again. I have to sit down with a sponsor and go through the twelve steps. There is no other way. It's bullshit.
Of all the people I've met in AA and recovery programs, I've had only two people tell me it's not about the meetings, twelve steps and a sponsor. The first was a guy I met in my original AA group. I'll call him by his initials ES. The guy was just a phenomenal human being. If anyone I've ever met has a right to do drugs and drink, it was him. Life has just shit on him anyway it could AFTER he went into recovery. Yet he had the strength to maintain his sobriety. He was my original AA sponsor. He was honored by me asking him.
About two months into it I told ES,"Hey man, this whole sponseree sponsor thing isn't for me. Nothing against you but I don't want to do it."
He was cool with it and said,"I understand. If it isn't working for you, it isn't. Are you planning on staying sober though?"
I said,"Yes, but I just don't want a sponsor. I want us to be friends and I want you to be there for me when I need to talk and hash things out but I think this whole twelve step thing is bullshit and I'm not going to do it."
"Not a problem. I want to help you in anyway I can and if that's what you want then so be it."
Around that time I was near my six months and I told him not to make a big deal about it. I don't celebrate those milestones and I don't want him doing anything for me. I also told him when my year approaches only he was going to know. I'm not doing the birthday celebration and speaking and all the shit the AA clubs do. He told me that it was fine and that is how I deal with it. All he want was at least for me to let him buy me a steak.
I miss him dearly. He got busted driving a car without his license and the judge revoked his probation. I had to tell him not to call me so much from jail cause it was running up my bill. His house got foreclosed while he was locked up and I had no other way to get in contact with him once he got out. I went a few times to the AA club where I met him and no one heard about or would say what happened to him.
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The other person that told me it wasn't about the twelve steps, the meetings and the sponsor was, of all people, one of the counselors in my last rehab outpatient stint. She told me,"Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to meetings. I want you to get to know a few people. I want you to meet people in your age group. Get their numbers and talk to them. Don't isolate yourself and stare at the walls in a meeting. I want these people to be your friends. I want you to pick up the phone and call them. For you, it's not about working steps and going to meetings. For you, it's about having a few people you can call and just talk to. I want you to call them and invite them out to coffee. You have a good job so offer to pay. I know you like to do that right?"
I nodded that I like to treat. Which I do.
"See, use that. No, these people won't be using you if you buy. They will reciprocate. The point being is I want you to get to know a few guys and this is a way to break the ice. I know you can't drive so don't be embarrassed to call them and ask for a ride or just to do something. And, when that phone rings, I don't want you to look at the caller ID and see it's your AA buddies and not answer. Pick up that phone. Let them invite you to coffee. Don't hide yourself from them. That is your recovery. Not steps, not sponsors, not meetings. That don't mean shit. I want you to interact and fellowship with guys your age in recovery."
I miss her too. She nailed me and my ways right on the head. I still go to aftercare at the facility but she's moved on.
Well, this post is by far the longest I've ever written. Once I got going though I let it rip. A lot of this has been swirling around in my head. In the long term I know I'll be fine. Sadly I'm not going to meet any other people like KS or my rehab instructor. Everybody is jamming AA meetings, working twelve steps and getting a sponsor down my throat. They have no imagination or ability to see beyond the little corner they've painted themselves into. That's why in my opinion most will never live a complete and happy life. They've been fed and taught the whole AA alcoholism concept and they can't move past it.
From inside the Vatican Apartments,
Papa Juan Pablo III
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I don't know why I'm so upset about it. I'm more upset about the hoops working making me jump throw than I was with the court. I'm going to have to sign an agreement with work that I will attend three AA meetings a week, submit to random drug screens and seek counseling for my depression. Those are reasonable terms but yet I'm upset.
I can't sleep well and I have a knot in my stomach. It's only for two years. I get to keep my job. So why am I so bent out of shape? I just want to return to work and put this all behind me.
That's all I have tonight.
I can't sleep well and I have a knot in my stomach. It's only for two years. I get to keep my job. So why am I so bent out of shape? I just want to return to work and put this all behind me.
That's all I have tonight.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The need to move
I'm still not sleeping well unless I take a sleeping pill. I'm still worrying about what the counselor work is sending me to is going to have me do. I'm hoping not much. I can handle an AA session or two but that's about it. I guess they can make me keep going to the aftercare group I go to now. Really that's about it. I know work is going to drop the random drug test but I don't give a shit about that. I'm clean and have no intention of getting dirty anytime soon. I've worked too hard and come too far to fuck it all up now.
I'm just so fucking ready to get this thing moving along now. I'm ready to return to work and get my life go back the on the right track.
I have to fucking move too. I can't live out here past my probation and want to maintain my sanity. I overstayed myself here and it hurt me in many ways. I moved here out of necessity but once that passed I got lazy. I should have moved away back in 2005 after I got off probation the last time. Instead I stayed out here isolated and alone. My friends asked me to move back and wondered why I stayed out here. They even offered to help move me.
I miss so much by being out here. I didn't attend all the football games I used to. I put myself in danger when I drove home all those times drunk. I isolated myself from my friends because I lived too far. I wouldn't drive out to see them and they wouldn't come out here. I hurt myself in many ways doing that.
Swami says that I hurt myself spiritually by staying away for so long. He was ready to help pack me up and move me two years ago. He knew I was using work as my crutch along with Rebecca. Back in July when I told him I really was moving he knew something was up. I never said anything had happened between me and Rebecca. He asked me the status of our relationship. I didn't get into specifics other than to say we weren't seeing each other anymore. That we would just remain friends. True to the way he is he didn't ask anything else and I didn't feel like telling the whole story.
So it's obvious I want to move back to the real world now. I've had enough of Arlen, TX. I can't get along with Dale, Hank, Boomhauer and Bill. I don't socialize with my coworkers either. My cousin who lives close by I can't really stand for long periods either. She's nuttier than God knows what. She asked me about moving close to her. I told her sorry but her neck of the woods is just as bad as where I live. No. I need to move to where I'll know I'll be happy.
I need to be back in Houston. I don't care that I have to drive 75 miles round trip. My mental and spiritual well being is at stake here. At least back in Houston I can see friends, go to places I like and if need be just lock myself in my room. Out here I'm automatically isolated. Not anymore. March 1 , 2009 is my D-Day. I'm out of here.
I toyed with the idea of moving somewhere close to water. I thought about Galveston or Lake Houston. While the idea is appealing the result is the same. I'm isolated from everybody. I'd have to drive into work and drive out to see my friends. In the end I've accomplished nothing. I'm thinking the best place for me would to move to midtown, the Heights or some where close to a freeway and easy access to the football stadium. The change is definitely something I need.
I might not make the right choice where I move to but it's better than staying where I'm at. I'm slowly dying inside and I need to stop it.
I'm just so fucking ready to get this thing moving along now. I'm ready to return to work and get my life go back the on the right track.
I have to fucking move too. I can't live out here past my probation and want to maintain my sanity. I overstayed myself here and it hurt me in many ways. I moved here out of necessity but once that passed I got lazy. I should have moved away back in 2005 after I got off probation the last time. Instead I stayed out here isolated and alone. My friends asked me to move back and wondered why I stayed out here. They even offered to help move me.
I miss so much by being out here. I didn't attend all the football games I used to. I put myself in danger when I drove home all those times drunk. I isolated myself from my friends because I lived too far. I wouldn't drive out to see them and they wouldn't come out here. I hurt myself in many ways doing that.
Swami says that I hurt myself spiritually by staying away for so long. He was ready to help pack me up and move me two years ago. He knew I was using work as my crutch along with Rebecca. Back in July when I told him I really was moving he knew something was up. I never said anything had happened between me and Rebecca. He asked me the status of our relationship. I didn't get into specifics other than to say we weren't seeing each other anymore. That we would just remain friends. True to the way he is he didn't ask anything else and I didn't feel like telling the whole story.
So it's obvious I want to move back to the real world now. I've had enough of Arlen, TX. I can't get along with Dale, Hank, Boomhauer and Bill. I don't socialize with my coworkers either. My cousin who lives close by I can't really stand for long periods either. She's nuttier than God knows what. She asked me about moving close to her. I told her sorry but her neck of the woods is just as bad as where I live. No. I need to move to where I'll know I'll be happy.
I need to be back in Houston. I don't care that I have to drive 75 miles round trip. My mental and spiritual well being is at stake here. At least back in Houston I can see friends, go to places I like and if need be just lock myself in my room. Out here I'm automatically isolated. Not anymore. March 1 , 2009 is my D-Day. I'm out of here.
I toyed with the idea of moving somewhere close to water. I thought about Galveston or Lake Houston. While the idea is appealing the result is the same. I'm isolated from everybody. I'd have to drive into work and drive out to see my friends. In the end I've accomplished nothing. I'm thinking the best place for me would to move to midtown, the Heights or some where close to a freeway and easy access to the football stadium. The change is definitely something I need.
I might not make the right choice where I move to but it's better than staying where I'm at. I'm slowly dying inside and I need to stop it.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
I'm Calmer & I Found Violet
I've calmed down. I was angry and upset that work is sending me to an aftercare program. I'm still not happy about it but I get to keep my job. They are holding me out until I visit the counselor and set up an aftercare program. After that I have to go do what ever they want me to do and subject to random drug tests. Oh well I have to put up with it if I want to keep my job. It's too good a job to lose and eventually it will return to normal. Deep breath, count down. Serenity now! Serenity Now!
I finally got a hold of Violet. As usual, she's a fucking mess. I couldn't get a hold of her because she was in the hospital. She checked last Tuesday and didn't get out until Saturday. She went in cause she was too stressed. Her depression also contributed to it too. The doctor told her she had to find a new job cause the stress from the one she has now is killing her. On Monday she had her two week notice written and she was going to fax it t her boss. When I talked to her on Tuesday she said she hadn't faxed it. She was going to let them fire her so she could collect unemployment. I'm not sure how that works but I hope she knows what the fuck she's doing. She says her boyfriend will help her out to. She says she doesn't want him to but she's going to do it. I know her better. She has no qualms of using him and taking his money. I know her too well.
I finally got a hold of Violet. As usual, she's a fucking mess. I couldn't get a hold of her because she was in the hospital. She checked last Tuesday and didn't get out until Saturday. She went in cause she was too stressed. Her depression also contributed to it too. The doctor told her she had to find a new job cause the stress from the one she has now is killing her. On Monday she had her two week notice written and she was going to fax it t her boss. When I talked to her on Tuesday she said she hadn't faxed it. She was going to let them fire her so she could collect unemployment. I'm not sure how that works but I hope she knows what the fuck she's doing. She says her boyfriend will help her out to. She says she doesn't want him to but she's going to do it. I know her better. She has no qualms of using him and taking his money. I know her too well.
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