First Post in Many Moons

I've been so busy lately I really haven't had any down time to myself. I ended up going to Louisiana to gamble and unwind at least for one night.

I think I'm done working overtime for now. Unless my transfer is still being held up. Once it goes through I'll be ineligible to work OT until I'm trained on my new job. And even then who knows when some will come up.

Terry Therapy Sessions X
Last week I had a pretty good therapy session with Terry. Sometimes I question the value of my therapy. Then we hit one out of the park. We really hit on how I've come to grips with my drinking problem and how I'm good at recognizing my triggers.

One night I was tired and bored. I also had been working my ass off and in the process of packing and moving. Also I was a bit disappointed with something. I came home and turned on the TV. I didn't think about drinking. But as the night wore on, I realized that this was the exact situation in which I'd turn to alcohol. I'd just drink to oblivion and consequences be damned. I was rather proud of myself recognizing the situation and not following my old habits.

Terry said that recognizing those triggers is key. Of course they say the same thing in rehab. The problem is having either the will power stop yourself or realizing you are on the path to relapse.

I also told her how guilty I felt when one of my friends was hit by a drunk driver. It was overwhelming and I had nothing to do with it. She said that was a transfer of the guilt because I know I could have been the one hurting others. Even though I had no part of it, I felt the pain inflicted on my friend by another who's behavior mirrored mine. She said that pain I felt was real and in the future it should help me stay on the straight and narrow.

We closed on the subject of my mother (every therapist's dream!). I brought up the incident when my mom lectured me when I told her I went with some friends to play cards. She said the best way to handle it is the way I have in the past. I'm good at drawing boundaries with my mother. I put my foot down when I feel she's crossing a line. This is no different. To empathize some with her because I have blown that trust with her. But she also has to realize I am an adult and still make decisions that don't concern her. I told Terry that if my mother does continue this line with me I will eliminate her from my life. My sobriety is that important to me. I won't call, I won't visit. Nothing. I can't have her building those resentments in me. It's to dangerous. Terry said it probably won't go that extreme but if I do lay down the law my mother will more than likely respect it.

Violet's Piece of Shit Family
I'm not going to elaborate to much. Suffice it to say that of all the siblings, she does the most for her mother. Yet her mom and family insist on talking shit about her. Violet doesn't make a lot of money. She barely gets by. But her mom wanted a sewing maching. Violet saved a little bit each check and bought her one. Her mom didn't like it. She bitched and moaned that it didn't have enough features. Of course, Violet was hurt to her core. I felt bad for her but what can I do?

I can sense the deep depression that's coming on. Her whole family just trashes her. It's very unfair and uncalled for. I called her at work on Monday and she was in tears. She never loses it like that at work. That's the one place she can hold it together, not withstanding the times she's walked out on a job. The first thing I warned her was about leaving her job. I tried to reinforce the feelings she had when she came back from Florida and had no job. I told her to think real hard about that experience. She needs to keep it together. I will not bail her out of any trouble she gets into if she walks on this job.

Rebecca and Her Mother
Mothers seems to be the theme this entry. Rebecca had to return to her country (an eastern European country) to see her mom. She hadn't seen them since 2004. Her mom was hospitalized. I didn't know her condition at the time. I'll probably text Rebecca's daughter and see if she's heard from her.

More Snakes on a Dream
I had another snake dream. Me and Binks were on one of our fishing excersions. He was in a boat and I was in the water fishing. A few snakes swim by and it doesn't bother me. Keep in mind that I absolutely hate snakes. I freeze up when I see one in the wild and I can't kill it. I don't get scared until I see a water mocassin floating in the water. The snake is perfectly still but is waiting for something to float by so he can kill and eat it. I point it out to Binks but I keep fishing. Then several small snakes start swimming by. I'm starting to get a little panicky but I don't leave the water. I see a second cottonmouth laying in wait for its prey. And more snakes. I ask Binks if he sees them and he does. More snakes. It's when I see the third cottonmouth that I decide it's time to go. This time the snake is coming toward me. Last thing I remember is I was neck deep in water making my way to the boat.

That's the third snake dream I've had in recent months. I did a little dream interpretation research. One of the things it symbolizes is change in one's life. Well moving and turning 40 are definitely changes.

Sophia Sighting
I talked to Sophia briefly a week ago. She said she'd call me back. She was in pain and at the chiropractor. She didn't call back that evening. I was kinda put off by that. The thing that I was disappointed about in the trigger I mentioned earlier was Sophia. At that time, I hadn't heard not a peep from her. I had run up the surrender flag and given up on her.

Then Sunday we had a nice talk. One of the things I feared is I had lost her to another man. I didn't ask and I could gather from what she told me that she isn't seeing anyone. After we talked she said she'd like to see me. That was a relief. She explained to me that she works and after work she just goes home and rests and spend a few nights a week with her grown sons. Understandable. She realizes that they will one day move on and momma won't be a priority so she's enjoying it while she still can. But she promised me we would see each other on a weekend.

I was so relieved and happy that we talked. I fear losing her. I now just have to win back her heart.

Well that's it for now. I'm off to bed. Got the profile and photos the dentist has to do in order to get fitted for my invisaline braces.

Good night.