Merry Christmas? Up Yours!

I didn't celebrate Christmas this year. Not sure if I celebrated last year. Don't care. I don't celebrate Christmas. This year I made a total mockery of it.

I did my usual Hanukkah candle ceremony for the first few nights. Then I blew that off. I stuck with the Festivus theme instead. I even made a Festivus Card from one I found of George Costanza. I emailed it to most my friends and the one relative who sent me a Christmas card. I wonder how that went over with my religious family? I really don't care.

Christmas means nothing to me. It was a pagan holiday that the early Christian church took for itself. The actual day has nothing to do with the birth of Christ. It has everything to do with the winter solstice and sun worship.

I laugh at my friends who think it's the birth of Christ. It couldn't be further than the truth. Let them believe what they want. I want no part of the false holiday any more.

How I acknowledge God and Christ is my business and I definitely don't think Christmas is the way to do it. I think I would respect Christians more if churches and Christians could explain the true origins of Christmas. The church won't tell the truth. Big surprise there.

So I hope everybody had a Happy Festivus For the Rest of Us!

I swear if it wasn't for bad luck Violet would have no luck at all.

I was getting a bit pissed at her. I called her a couple of times since last week and she hadn't called back. That's usually a sign that something is wrong with her. I called her last night and told her to call me when she had time. What I didn't tell her is that I wasn't going to call her again. I get tired of her little games and only being a convenience to her.

Like a bad habit she comes back. This time with her latest tell of woe. Saturday after work she went to the bank and withdrew money for bills, her mom and Christmas gifts for her son. When she got home, she lives with her sister, someone assaulted her at the doorway. He took all her money, purse, phone and jewelery. The cops speculated he followed her from the bank. They also said she was lucky he didn't kill her. They said the way the robber hit her head against the brick wall was more than likely cause he was trying to kill her. They brought some suspects they had in custody but none of them were the robber.

The paramedics examined her but didn't take her to the hospital. Then sometime later, either that night or the next, Violet passed out five times. Her sister called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. No internal injuries but the doctors told her she needed to eat, she's diabetic and she needs to quit her job and find a new one.

I agree that she needs to find a new job. She currently works for a payday loan company. She's in the office by herself most of the time. There is no security. There is also nothing between the customer and her when they are doing a loan. I've been in pawn shops and similar places. Many, not all though, have either a metal cage or a thick bullet proof glass. Her place has nothing. Recently someone who works for her company was murdered during a store robbery. It's not a good situation at all.

As much as a friend she is and as much as I care for her, I won't do anything for her anymore. I can't. If I want to keep my sanity and mental health in order I can't help her. I can listen and be a friend but not more than that. I can't give her money like I did to help her out of tight places. I can't offer her a place to live anymore.

I can't do all that stuff for her anymore. She never appreciated it in our time together as a couple. Only years later does she appreciate it but the ship has sailed.

I also can't do it because it's all part of moving on with my life that I've been working on with my therapist. It's all my idea but I'm talking and working it out with Terry.

So I can pray for Violet. I can be her friend. I can listen to her problems. I can do many things for her but I can't solve her problems for her anymore. She needs to learn how to stand on her own.

A few other topics on going with my life.

First, the move is still on target. While I still have my back up apartment on stand by, I've received some new places to look at. Some of them are down right bad ass and in the price range I want. Others are too small for the price. I can't make a decision until I see the places and the final rent but I'm still some what on the hunt. Even though I probably won't get a chance until the new year.

On the friend front, other than Violet's latest drama, everything else is pretty quiet. Not to say nothing is going on cause I'm sure something is happening. I just don't know about it.

Dee in Tampa has virtually disappeared. That's how she gets when she's seeing someone. She doesn't know how to take things slow. She goes all in. It's why she gets so crushed when things don't work out. At the same time, I'm glad she found someone else so she won't bother me anymore about us getting together. I'm still a little pissed but I shouldn't be.

On the work front everything is okay. The Jolly White Giant I hate so much is out sick again. He made it a few days before leaving in the middle of the shift on our last night. How convenient that he's sick during the holidays. I swear that son of a bitch doesn't know personal bounds. I've lashed out at him harshly when he crosses those bounds and will continue to do so.

So the goal last night at work was to make it through the end of the shift without someone calling in sick. This year I'm due to be off Christmas and New Years holidays. Someone always calls in on the shifts that are supposed to work. They have no conscience or regard for those of us who will be forced to work to fill in for them over the days we should have off. Sure enough, at 4:30 a.m. someone called in sick. Fortunately one of my coworkers figured out a schedule whereby no one has is forced to work any overtime. The on duty supervisor approved the improvised schedule and we got out of there without anyone else calling in sick.

I was going to volunteer to work some of the overtime just cause I wanted the money and holiday pay. It's about double time if I work on Christmas and Christmas Eve. As my off days approached I decided against it. I was finishing up a run of seven straight 12 hour night shifts. Enough is enough. I want to be off.

As for my Christmas celebrations, I plan none. It will be like any other day. I'll sleep late, make breakfast and piddle around the apartment. My mom asked me if I was coming over and I told her no. I told her don't plan on seeing me until sometime in February once I get my license back. I'm in no mood for flying or bus riding for the holidays. So each night I just light my ceremonial Hanukkah candles and that's it.

I'm sure there is more I can rant, rave, bitch and moan about but I think that's enough writing therapy for one day.

Up Yours,
The Pope

Up Yours, Christmas!

I really don't celebrate Christmas anymore. Hell, I don't celebrate many holidays anymore. Why? Cause they mean nothing to me. Christmas used to be a time for family and get togethers. I really don't care about those things anymore. My idea of spending time with my family is not going during the holidays. I just spend time with the immediate family and that's it.

I do the one obligatory family function once a year. That's it though. This year I didn't even do that. I'm glad I didn't either. The entire extended family started getting celebrating on a Tuesday and didn't end until Saturday. That's way to much family for me. And I know if I had been there I would have been sick of it by Wednesday and really pissed by Friday and a total pain in the ass by the big family get together on Saturday. I'm just not a very nice person sometimes.

A few people at work I've already told I don't celebrate Christmas anymore. When asked why I just say,"No reason. Just doesn't mean anything to me anymore." After my announcement, my coworker was saying something about Christmas. I looked at him and said,"Christmas. What is this holiday you speak of?" He lost it. He couldn't stop laughing.

So we get to the new transfer asshole again. He has for the most part back off me. I had to work with the dysfunctional new transfer. Company policy seems to dictate that if you are hurt outside or to sick to work outside, then the labs will take you. So what we get aren't exactly the prizes or cream of the employee crop.

I said how I lashed out at him when he followed me out on break and my mouth off to him. I did it again but not as vicious. After he said something about Christmas, I tell him,"Christmas. What is this holiday you speak of?" And he takes me serious. He tells me that it will take some time to explain. How about on a graveyard shift or on Sunday. I replied with no,"I do not celebrate Christmas. And I really don't want to hear about it." And turned and walked away.

I just can't behave it work.

Just a little update on my life and a small tale

Yesterday Violet came by and took me to the new place I'm going to move to. It was raining like Hoover Dam just busted. I wanted to put in an application and put whatever fees required for the apartment. I'm a few weeks to early. The require sixty notice and will have an idea of what's available in February by the end of this month. Great. I have enough difficulty getting someone to take me. Fortunately the salesman told me I can do the whole process online. I can even check daily for updated availability of apartments. How cool is that? I really shouldn't be amazed about what you can do on the internet but I still am sometimes.

After that we went to lunch at one of my favorite places. My mind kept drifting back to Rebecca. I don't want to get back with her. It's just that I got so used to having her around the four years we were together. In spite of the way things ended, I still miss being around her. We really did have great times together. I think I miss the companionship more than anything. It's frustrating at times. It didn't help that me and Violet were having lunch at a place me and Rebecca always used to hang out and eat at.

The other thing I don't understand about Rebecca is her hanging around with the guy she dated before me. This guy is pretty much worthless. I don't know if they are back together and I really don't care. I just bugs me cause I was 200 times better than this idiot. She tell me as much too. She calls her ex a "fucking idiot" and "fucking moron" with "fucking moron" her favorite. Let me just put it this way. He's a lawyer who that disbarred for stealing clients money. The way I understand it is he'll never be able to practice law again.

I got off track there. In some ways me and Rebecca are to much alike. We are both some what of loners. We both have a small circle of friends and don't stray to far beyond it. I know she's dated since we broke up and later I find out while we were together. So I know she meets people. And like me these things don't last long. I have these little flings that are pretty worthless and a waste of time. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Like I say, I do miss her and the companionship but I also remember that this relationship ended abruptly, fell over a cliff and smashed on the rocks below.

A Tale of Rebecca, Violet and Sophia
I don't know where this came from but it's been on my mind the last few days. I think it's a sign that a) I'm bored b) I'm lonely and c) I'm getting antsy about getting mobile again.

Rollback to around August or September of 2006. I'm just bored watching TV and more than likely drinking. My cell phone rings and I don't recognized the number. I answer and it's a voice from the past. Violet. I hadn't heard from her in at least three years. I'm in the midst of one of my depressions. I think I was getting suspicions of Rebecca running around but I didn't want to face up to the issue just yet. You know, if you ignore it then it can't be happening or it will go away. This is one of my bad depressions where I'm pretty much incapacitated. I can't eat, sleep and when I'm off from work I won't go anywhere. I'm pretty useless.

Well about a month into her call from beyond, Violet starts asking me to go visit her. I'm so depressed that I tell her I'm in no mood for it. She's insisting and insisting. I tell her no. She finally comes out with it. She says do I know why she's calling me and wants to see me? I haven't a clue. She insists do you really not know? I tell her I'm in no mood for this. Spit it out or leave me alone. She tells me she wants to get back together. This is really what I need. I told her you know I'm with Rebecca. She says yes. I could be knocked over with a feather. She says to take my time and think about it. I do. I think over night. I call the next day and tell her no. I can't do it. Anyway, she wants me to still go visit. I go, fuck her and come home a happy man. No regrets about fucking her, no guilt associated with the deed. Why? I'll get to that later.

Fast forward to March 2007. It's all in a haze of when I first met Sophia. I think it was in December of 2006. I'm pretty sure it was. Anyway about March 2007 I'm really starting to hang around with her a lot. Of course, Rebecca doesn't know any of this. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm really starting to fall for Sophia. We made out and mess around a lot but never had sex. Yes I have seen every body part of hers. Then the guilt and depression sets in.

One day several months later, I think before my August 2007 DWI fall or maybe after, I told Dee about this whole scenario. All I remember for sure is that it was before her August 2008 confession. She asked me why the guilt feelings with Sophia but not Violet. I told her that's easy. I can be cold and heartless sometimes. I knew I wasn't going to end up with Violet and I could have sex with her and not have the guilt feelings. With Sophia, on the other hand, I had genuine feelings. I could have left Rebecca for her. It caused mass confusion and depression soon followed by guilt. Had I not had genuine feelings for Sophia then I wouldn't give two flips about fucking her or messing around with her.

So anyway, that's just a little tale I thought I'd probably rehash for no other reason than I've been going over it in my mind lately.

Oy vey (Yeah, I know it's not a latin or Pope expression but Jews are God's children too),
PJP3

Terry Therapy Sessions XII

Nothing ground breaking as usual. Most of the therapy session was reinforcing what I've accomplished in staying sober.

I like the way our sessions start. More of a bullshit session for about the first ten minutes or so.

Then we got into the session. She asked me if I went home for Thanksgiving. No, I had to work. She asked me if any drama from my brother's wife. None that I heard of.

She then asked me about any urges about drinking. I told her I did have the thoughts when I'm at football games. But the thoughts pass right away. I tell myself what the hell am I thinking? I then put the thought out of my head and continue to enjoy the games. She said that I was developing the right thought processes to help keep myself sober.

Then the topic of AA came up. I told her, which is true, that I attend about three or four meetings a month. I'm supposed to go to two a week but AA just isn't for me. We discussed how AA can be a tool for me but I don't have to immerse myself in the 12 steps. If what I'm doing is working for me then that's good enough.

I told her about the meeting I like to go to when I'm in Houston. It's great. It's at a rehab place and it's predominately black. Sometimes the meetings turn more into a Christian revival atmosphere. People yell out,"Tell it, brother" or "Yessir, that's the way it is" and other similar phrases. Once I get my license back I plan on attending those meetings but it won't be my home group. I told her I'm looking for a new group because the local one where I'm at isn't really worth a flip.

She says, and I've heard and agree with, that it is important to find a home group where I fit in and works with my personality. That doesn't mean I have to be locked into that group. Instead it will serve as a base in case I really do find myself on the brink. I can go to people in my own home group and trust them since I've come to know them. Also to make friends that I can interact socially with and not have to worry about drinking.

She also said,"Who knows? Maybe you'll meet the love of your life in a group. Someone who is sober and strong and has walked the path that you have." The thought has crossed my mind. It would be something if I could find someone who has been sober a significant amount of time and a relationship develops. No I'm not giving up on Sophia just yet.

I then started talking about my plans once I get my drivers license back. Number one on the list is getting the hell away from this crappy shit hole of a city that I live in. No one has had the time to take me looking for apartments so I'm going to have to move to my back up place. Terry asked if I was just settling or was it a place I liked. I told her it was where I was going to move initially before I got my DWI charge.

Also touched on how I'm trying to improve my health that I've neglected all the years I've been drinking. I said I'm going to be 40 and need to start taking care of myself. I have the mental aspect down with the medications that help with my depression. I haven't had an episode since June. I'm now going after the physical aspects. My cholesterol count was high for the third year in a row. Diet hadn't been getting it done so the doctor finally relented and put me on medication to bring it down. Next is my dental health. I had started working on my teeth back in 2006 but let it go to the wayside. I finally went back and had one root canal done and will be getting the invisaline mouth piece to straighten my upper teeth. Then after the year that will take I will start working on fixing my chipped teeth from long ago drunken dancing fall.

I told Terry that come February 15, 2009 I'm putting it all behind me. The drinking, the bad relationships, the shithole place I live in and just starting the new chapter in my life. She laughed as said it was a great attitude to have. Moving on and leaving the garbage behind along with taking physical care of myself was a great way to view the future. I told her part of it was self esteem issues. So by taking care of not only my mental put appearance to it is helping with the self image.

Finally we touched on one more subject. My new coworker whom I cannot stand. I'm not going to delve to deep into the subject. Suffice it to say he knows no personal boundaries and doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. He asks to many personal questions and tell to much of his personal life and marital problems. It's just highly inappropriate since his wife is a supervisor out there and I know her. I really don't need to know this. Well, I told Terry that I finally got really sick of him and lashed out with a very ugly joke. He didn't take to it well. To be honest, it didn't bother me what I said. Put in the same situation I'd probably do it again. What I asked Terry is why do I lash out like that? She really didn't have an answer. She did say that I was correct in telling him to back off but I need to find more civil ways of handling those situations. Next time just tell him,"Look man, back off. Your crossing lines I don't want to discuss. You invading my personal space." To be firm and state my exact position on his intrusions. I'll try but I can't promise anything.

Until Next time.....Semper Fidelis (I know it's not a Pope thing but it's Latin and that's close enough for me...)
Signing off from a Shithole city in Texas,
Pope John Paul III

Terry Therapy Sessions XI

I didn't write an entry after my last Terry Therapy Session. It's been so long I've just skipped over it and moved on to Terry Therapy Session XI

We opened the session about talking about my sister in law. Not so much that I have a problem with her anymore. I just can't stand the bitch. I've just learned to ignore her but put my foot down when the twat crosses the line with me.

The latest sister-in-law drama was that she tried to ruin my mom's dinner plans. Since me and my sister aren't going to in town for Thanskgiving, my mom decided to take us all to dinner. My sister-in-law called my mom and tried to cancel plans. My sister-in-law has control issues. She was upset that my brother was doing work at my mom's house. To make a long story short, she said that my mother should have checked with her blah blah blah. My mom and her got into a fight over the phone but we ended up going to dinner.

I told Terry about other disruptive events my sister-in-law caused. Terry noticed a theme developing. My bitch-in-law's trouble starting is always around the holidays. Terry thinks that the bitch has issues and problems that are triggered by the holidays. Probably something that happened as a kid. Whatever, it's her problem. Just interesting to get some insight in to the bitch's issues.

Other than that we just talked about me in general. No big points really.

I brought up that I'm getting antsy about my driving suspension coming to an end. I'm getting the itchy legs and am tired of being cooped up in my apartment. The closer the end comes the longer it seems to take. She said all I can do is find ways to kill time. I've made it nine months. Three fourths of the way there. Three months will come to an end soon. I know. My counter says two months, twenty eight days.

I told her one of the main reasons I wanted to move was to get away from the extreme boredom I live in. I told her many of the times I sat at home drinking out of sheer boredom. She said that it was a problem if I just sat around and drank.

I talked some about an AA meeting I had been to. A guy was there just a few days out of prison. He was sent up two and a half years on his fourth DWI conviction. I know I'm not drinking but his story served a jolt to remind me what waits for me if I ever get caught again. Terry said such reminders are good for me.

Also by moving back to Houston, I can find a million ways to entertain myself like museums, library, movies etc. The options just aren't that many where I currently live. If I get really bad I can always find an AA meeting to attend.

That was about it. We set an appointment for after Thanksgiving.

As for what else is going on in my life. Nothing to report. I'm pretty much in isolation from my friend due to the fact that I can't drive. I've got a mental list of people and things I want to do once I get my license back.

Violet, William, Swami and Rebecca are the only ones I keep in regular contact with. Lily, Sal and Dee are three others I keep in touch with occasionally. I still haven't completely forgiven Dee for her calling me on vacation and expressing her feelings for me. At least she's found a new man and that seems to have her happy.

Well that's all for now. I plan on posting a little bit more often than I have lately. Sometimes I just don't cause not much is going on...

JPTHREE!

Hurrican Ike, Violet, Sophia and Lack of Sleep

As I sit here watching a movie, I look at my countdown to when I'm no longer under the auspices of the probation department. Four months and nine days to go. Then I'll once again be free and clear. I'll have my drivers license back and I'll be moving back to Houston.

It's been a month since I last wrote. Not much really happened except for Hurricane Ike. I had plans to attend two football games and two baseball games over that weekend so I got a hotel in Houston so my friends won't have to be driving back and forth to get me. I rode out the hurricane at the hotel and then later went to my friend William's house when the hotel had to shut down due to no power or water.

Also in the last month, Violet finally moved back to Houston. She came to visit me at the hotel the night before the storm hit. I hadn't seen her in close to two years. I visited her in Oct. 2006 in Florida.

I must admit she's much better than she was back in August when she called me at my mom's house. She had no job and for some reason she was resisting coming back to Houston. She finally reached a point that she had no other choice. She couldn't find a job in Florida. She had no money and she could tell the people she was staying with were tired of her. Her desperation and depression reached new lows. I wired her the money to return to Houston.

Once she got here she chose to stay with her sister and not me. I'm relieved that she made that choice. She was welcome to stay here until she got back on her feet. On one hand I wanted the companionship and someone to help me with my lack of transportation needs. The other side of the coin though is her feelings for me. She's always declared that she still loves me. Sometimes I think that is more a desperation cry and looking for me to take care her. I just don't have any type of feelings for her other than friendship. I didn't want to go through the problems of telling her to go away and that a relationship is out of the question.

I'm happy to report though that things are working out for her. Within three weeks of her arrival she found a job. She was scared because her green card expired and wasn't sure if she could get hired. I told her under no circumstances to lie at any job interview about her immigration status. I told her to explain what is going on during an interview. Well one of the jobs she applied for called me for a reference. They made Violet an offer. The woman that called me told Violet that she can start working but she must go to immigration and get her card stamped. Violet was upset cause she didn't have the money. I made a loan to her but told her to take her time to pay me back. I want her to get her life back in order before I put the clamps on her to pay me back.

I'm so glad things are working out for her for now. I'm sure a year or more down the road she'll find a new way to fuck everything up again. It's just her way.

The Terry Therapy sessions came to a temporary halt after Ike passed through. We start up our sessions again on Tuesday. She had missed our appointment about a week after the storm. I figured like the rest of us she had no power. I looked up her address and saw where she lived. She was on the bad side of the storm so I figured she sustained damage to her house and she wasn't in the position to be doing the therapy sessions. I guessed right. I am glad that the sessions are starting again.

While I'm on the topic of women, I finally heard from Sophia. It's been a while since I heard from her. This whole DWI thing really put a crimp in my plans with her. I was coming off my hurt with losing Rebecca. I didn't think me and Sophia would get together right away but the hope for something new was there. I thought that maybe we could be headed toward something special. I view this DWI just as a bump on the road. Maybe, God willing, I can maybe start where I left off with Sophia. I'd like to find out.

My only other issue lately has been my sleep or lack of. Ever since I discovered I was sleep eating while on ambien, nothing the doctor prescribed has worked for me. I'm at a point of extreme frustration with the situation. She's given me trazodone and Rozarem. Neither medication has worked. Lunesta has worked for me in the past but at only getting me to sleep and not staying asleep. At this point I'm willing to give it another go. Only problem is my insuratnce. I'll have to jump through hoops to get it approved. It's the main reason I'm switching from my HMO to a PPO. It might be a little more expensive but I don't have to put up with such bullshit when it comes to medication.

The counselor that work sends me to for my drinking says I'm doing pretty good. She says I don't have to visit in person anymore. We can do phone sessions until I get my license back. I told her thank you and that she's relieved some of my anxieties big time. I always worry that I can't find a ride. Under the agreement I signed with work, missing a session is grounds for termination. I'm sure it would come to that and she would work with me if I coudldn't make it. She's said as much but either way it comes as a relief to go phone only. Now the only thing I have to worry about is getting the my probation officer. Just four more months....

That ends it for now. I get my first live NFL action tomorrow for the season. Ike had one of the games rescheduled. I'm looking forward to it so much.

I should be back Tuesday with the next installment of the Terry Therapy sessions.

Terry Therapy Sessions VIII & IX

I didn't get around to saying much about the last session with my therapist.

Session VIII
About the only thing I remember us hitting on is my move. The move away from King of the Hill land is at the top of my list once I get my driver's license back.

I told her how my mother just doesn't understand why I want to move. I made the decision not to mention it to my mother anymore. I'll just give her my new address and that's it. Terry said I did the right thing. I'm not answerable to her.

Session IX
First thing we talked about was how everything is going. All is well.

She then asked me how my first year of sobriety is. I said good. She reinforced to me how big a step I made. Even though I didn't celebrate it that I should be proud of what I've accomplished. And I am. She said it's easy for someone not to stay sober and that I chose the harder path.

We then hit on Violet's return to Houston. I told her that she's back in town but she didn't take me up on my offer to live with me until she got her shit together. I told her I'm more her therapist. Terry says that's great since I don't have to put up with her. That it's okay that I'm her moral support. Everyone needs that.

Also I told her I'm thinking of more things to do once I get mobile again. I plan on traveling Texas and maybe Louisiana to see various museums. Along with that I also said I'm thinking of taking up photography as a hobby. I already have the camera I want to take to football games.

Finally I told her how the case manager from work pissed me off. The Jolly Bengali told me to talk to Terry about how to improve my social life. I got pissed off but held my tongue. The thought came to me that Terry is my therapist not fucking Julie the cruise director from the Love Boat. Terry laughed her ass off. Terry said it was good that I held my tongue. It's the lack of driving privileges that's holding me back. Terry agreed and said what does the Bengali want. She said just ignore her and keep doing what I'm doing.

And that's all for now folks. Take care,
The Pope

Terry Therapy Sessions VII

I had my first phone therapy session with Terry last week. It went okay. Tonight is my next session.

The first thing we hit on was my mom and sister's little petty arguments I had to put up with while I was visiting. My sister accused my Mom with spilling coffee in my sister's SUV. My Mom denied it. It was a weeks old stain and my sister said it was new. My Mom's retaliation was to be short tempered with my sister. My Mom got really pissy toward the end of my visit. I told Terry that it was really getting on my nerves but I stayed out of the affair. She told me I handle it the right way. That my mom was probably trying to draw me into the whole thing and I did the best thing by refusing to comment or take sides.

While I took my nephews to SeaWorld, I had a fleeting thought of maybe slamming a quick drink. The thought went away quickly but it I had it. Terry said I again did the right thing. First I held myself accountable. Next that I also thought about my Mom's reaction if she saw me. She told me those are the kind of things I need to do once the pee test goes away. She asked me if I was going to tell my BOC (acronym stands for Big Oil Company, my employer) case worker. I told her no way. She'd freak out and make me do more things and probably extend my twice monthly visits.

She asked me how I was going to mark my first year of sobriety. I told her I wasn't. I don't like the AA birthday celebrations. She told me I needed to acknowledge it in some way. I also told her that I've been thinking of telling my story at a speaker meeting. She's kind of surprised that I hadn't done it yet. I'm thinking of waiting until I get my license back and telling my story at my original AA club.

We also touched on Dee in Tampa. I told her I was still harboring ill feelings on her for skipping out on her planned trip to see me. Dee had sent me a video of a man going off on Starbucks. It really wasn't funny. I told her that I replied to Dee about how I didn't like it. I felt latter that I may have responded negatively to the email in retaliation for not coming to visit.

The last thing we talked about was God. I told her that as much as I wanted to think that God doesn't interfere with our lives and we have complete freewill, I just can't believe that after all that's happened to me. Her I was a year ago facing jail time for a third offense felony DWI. It was reduced to a second offense misdemeanor along with which I got no jail time, no community service, no rehab classes and virtually no terms of conditions for probation. If that isn't God interfering in my life I don't know what is.

We closed on that subject and scheduled the next one. I'll have my next one posted soon. I've got updates on Violet and Binks too. Until then I hope if anyone reads this you can attain the positive feelings I have as of late.

Goodnight,
Pope Johannes Paulus III

Return from Vacation, Violet Resurfaces

I'm back. I took a week off to go visit my family. Not really my first choice. Dee in Tampa was supposed to visit me but she had her meltdown that I wrote about in a previous post. I didn't want to cancel my vacation so I went to see family.

I can't complain about the trip except I was ready to return home the last few days I was there. My mom was starting to get on my nerves. She gets petty in her little fights with my sister. I didn't feel like sticking my nose into it though and escalating the situation. She also unnerves me with her driving. She down right scares the crap out of me in the car. My sister is a pretty bad driver too. My mom also tends to get pissy when things don't go her way. It was getting annoying and I'm glad to be back home.

I took my nephews out to the river one day and also to Sea World. The rest of the time I spent just kicking back reading, listening to music or visiting relatives. Nothing major happened which always makes for a good time.

On the other hand, Violet resurfaced just like I said she would. She called me on Tuesday to let me know where she was at. She's still in Florida. Friday's call was a different story. She called me crying. She wants to return to Houston. She's a freaking mess. No job, no car, no money. She's almost suicidal and admits that she's afraid to do something to hurt herself. I told her to pull herself together and be strong for me. I repeated my offer to let her stay with me until she gets back on her feet.

She asked me for the bus fare back to Houston and I agreed to it. Later though she called me back and asked me to hold off sending her the money. A lawyer she hired to renew her green card took off with the $370 she Violet paid her. Violet called the firm and they told her the lawyer was gone but they are trying to track her down over the weekend. So Violet is waiting on word on her money before she makes her next move.

I have to admit there is some selfish motivation for letting her stay with me. Since I'm not mobile I want to use her to haul me around. She's not working so why not pay her a few bucks a week to drive me where I need to go. Who knows if I play my cards right I may even get laid.

I have a plan for her and I don't know if she'll adhere to it but if she wants my help she has to. First thing is to get her back here and to my place. I told her I want her to rest for one or two weeks. She's to do nothing else but sleep and relax. I have tons of movies and music plus all the cable channels and internet. She needs that down time to recover from her latest ordeals. Also on the agenda is a trip to a shrink. She needs to be on some kind of medication for her depression. I plan on calling my shrink and asking how much she'll charge me to see Violet since she's uninsured. I figure the meds should be cheap from the list of Walmart meds that are $4. I figure my shrink will start her off on prozac and that's cheap. Welbutrin might be a supplement if the prozac doesn't work. I know this from my depression wars.

Tomorrow is my first telephone therapy session with Terry. I had a mental list of things I want to talk about but right now it escapes me. I think asking if I'm doing the right thing with Violet is on the top of the list. I plan on talking about my mom and how she gets on my nerves with some of her behavior. I'm sure Terry will guide some of the conversation too.

On a closing note, the Pope only bought one hat. I need two more in order to be up to my full compliment.

I'll be back tomorrow with the latest on the Terry Therapy Sessions.

Signing off from the Sistine Chapel,
Pope JPTHREE

The Nightwalker, The Terry Therapy Sessions VI

I had suspected I'd been getting up in my sleep and doing things. I was finding subtle things here and there moved. A book moved, a magazine moved, the place marker in book moved, the case of the missing pineapple. The things were so slight though that I thought maybe I did do those things and just didn't remember. The thought was there though since I occasionally take ambien to help me sleep.

Sunday I confirmed it though. I came home from work and started to relax on the recliner. I then noticed an empty carton of yogurt, a spoon, half of an eaten lemon and a knife on the coffee table. I knew right away that I definitely didn't eat before I went to bed the previous night. I figured there had to be half a lemon some where around the apartment. I looked in the fridge and in the trash but found nothing. I came into the bedroom and there it was on the computer desk along with a partially drank can of 7Up.

Needless to say I was freaked out but at least it was confirmed and everything was put together. I was pretty sure it was the ambien but I called my doctor on Monday and she told me to quit taking it. We decided to go without any sleep medication for a while but she'll put me on something else if I need it.

The Terry Therapy Sessions IV

I started the session but telling Terry about the sleep walking/eating. We had a good laugh about it.

I told her I had started thinking more about how I'm going to remain out of trouble once I'm off probation. I plan to fill my time with going to museums One place I like to go is my favorite coffee shop where I like to eat pizza and read or write. Plus I plan to return to Taping for the Blind and where I used to read books onto tape for blind people. A whole bunch of things that keep me from going out and drinking again.

One of the things we are trying to accomplish is change my thinking process about drinking once I'm free and clear. She wants me to remember the arrests, the misery I went through, the jail time and the future consequences if I get caught drinking and driving again. I told her how my sister's middle child, the five year old, just adores me. She said one of the things I might want to add to my thinking utilities is my nephews and how they view me. Do I want to be know as the uncle with the drinking problem or the uncle who had a drinking problem and beat it? Also do I want to be an negative influence again. There thinking is if Uncle Pope can drink let's go try it.

I also told her my plans to move back into the city from Arlen, TX. She said start looking for places now to help combat the depression and keep my mind busy toward my reward.

In addition to my plans to keep busy to stay out of trouble I told her that I want to use AA to create a new group of friends. One of my problems with AA is that most people don't like to get out and do things. Their whole life revolves around AA and the meetings. I can't live like that. However if I find a few friends that do like to do outside things then it will help occupy my time.

She agrees on my take on AA and she has her own take to. She says her problem with AA is the misery factor. That meetings consist mostly of people talking about how miserable they were drinking and how miserable they still are. The meetings don't focus on the positives of sobriety and inspirational tales. So while I'm using AA as a conduit it for a new social group that it's not really beneficial to just attend meetings to hear the tales of woe.

She also asked me how the overall anxiety is going. That is going better. I still get the anxieties of not having a ride to my probation officer and the counselor work assigned me to. Overall the anxiety levels have come down. Also no episodes of depression.

I told her also that I started to crunch the numbers to get an idea of how much money I might have when I turn 55. If I have enough I plan on retiring from my job at that point. My plans are if I'm not married or in a relationship to move back to my hometown. Also maybe take up a part time job like consulting in my field or something new that will allow me to travel but I still have a stream of income. Most of this is contingent though on having the company pension still in place or enough in my 401k. I'm really not counting on the pension being there but if it is it accelerates my retirement plans.

Then she dropped the bad news on me. Well sorta bad news. They are moving the practice. She gave me two options. We could continue our sessions over the phone or she could give me references for a new therapist. For now I decided to try the phone sessions and see how that goes. She still gave me a list of therapists in case I change my mind.

The Pope is getting fitted for a new day to day hate. The two I have are in bad shape. One is twelve years old and is worn and torn. I have no idea how old the red formal one is but it too is worn down. That leaves me with only one working hat and a Pope can not have such a limited choice.

So Hail Harry full of grapes and carpi diem, not to be confused with per diem,
Pope John Paul III

The Terry Therapy Sessions V

I think this latest session was more a bull session than therapy. That's okay though cause I figure it's Terry's way of getting to know me. We discussed a range of subjects and a lot of football. In fact I really can't recall if anything therapy related was discussed.

We touched some on Dee not coming and our friendship. She asked if we discussed more of her confession to me. I said no. We are pretending the whole thing didn't happen. Why? I said because it's awkward. Dee hasn't mentioned it and I'm not going to bring it up. As far as I'm concerned that's that. I did admit though that I was pissed off that she brought up the subject. I told Terry that the bottom line is that I don't have romantic feelings for Dee. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I can't lead her on and give false hope either.

I guess that's it. I really didn't get much of this week's session. I'm sure other sessions will be more productive. As evidence I refer to my previous posts about my therapy.

New Squeeze, More Vacation, Fathers, Violet Missing Again

I've broken the six month barrier. My count down to mobility is at exactly seven months to go. I know after midnight it will still be six months and 30 days. That's still basically seven months but seeing that six on the countdown I have on my laptop makes it bearable.

My New Woman Friend

Did I mention I have a new goumada ala Tony Soprano. I really don't think I'm going to bring this behavior up with Terry. This time though it's not like I'm cheating. I have no girlfriend so I just found someone to spend a little time with. It's physical but there is a little companionship too. It's not like this woman is looking for a relationship either. I'm planning to spend a little time with her before the end of the month. I just plan to get to know her, talk a little and share a little time. Things go right I get laid again. Nothing complicated.

One More Vacation

Even though Dee canceled her trip to see me I decided to keep my scheduled days off from work. It's basically a mental health move and also helps in marking down the time I have left on probation. The plan is to once again go visit family. I'm taking close to two weeks off and I don't want to spend them staring at my walls. I did enough of that when I was off on medical getting my shit together. Since my nephews are still out of school I want us to do something. I brought up the idea of maybe going camping. I checked out reservations at the state park but no shelters are available. I'm going to call on Monday and see if there is a waiting list. If not we may try tent camping if we can get a spot with electricity. My mom wont camp with out it.

Fathers

Father's health and mortality seems to be a theme among friends. My shrinks receptionist and I talked at length about losing fathers and how we coped. She lost her father about a year ago. We talked about how her and her mother are dealing with it. I just reassured her that with time she'll still remember him and miss him but the pain will ease.

Swami's father remains in poor health. I'm surprised the old man is still hanging in there. Like Swami says though, the old man's a fighter. He's already lost one leg and they are fighting to save the other. I just pray for them and put it in God's hands. Compounding matters for Swami is that he's on the hit list for job's layoffs.

William's father is also struggling with his health. Like Swami's dad, William's father is diabetic and struggles with all its complications. He hasn't lost any limbs but has been hospitalized at least twice that I know of. I think the last bout was with organ failure. William and his sister took the weekend to go visit. I think he's out of the woods for now but it was a close call. A lot closer than William is letting on to. It's not a death bed scene though. The father is well enough that Will's sister is going camping with some friends.

Violet Disappears Again

At last but not least is Violet. Remember I wrote that bad things happen when she's quiet. I hadn't really spoken to her in a few weeks. I'd call her at work and she was either busy or people were around and she couldn't talk. I called her on Wednesday and her coworker told me she quit. That's it. She's pulled another disappearing act. I don't know if she's headed back to Texas, found another job in Florida or some other scheme in mind. I know she's struggling financially so quitting work wasn't a smart move. She has no car and things weren't looking to good for making rent.

She has a standing offer to stay with me until she gets back on her feet. I've offered her rent free, bills free accommodations until she starts working again. Hell she can even use my car since my license is suspended. That's five month until my big move. Why she wont use it is beyond me? Pride, shame, embarrassment? I've told her I don't judge her. Who is a 40 year old recovering alcoholic who almost lost his job and got sent to prison to judge? Plus it's not anything I wouldn't do for any of my friends. Sometimes one has to swallow the pride in order to get life back on track. I hope she finds gets back on track some how.

The Terry Therapy Sessions IV

Went to therapist today. Good session but nothing groundbreaking. We talked about my vacation and how it went with my family.

We also discussed my anxiety on going back to work and the feelings I get from working the day shift. She agrees with my shrink that it is the adjustment period after being gone for six months.

We also talked about my barriers still. One of my stress triggers at work is being forced to work overtime and not having a ride. I told her I might let one of my coworkers on the other shift in on what's going on. I didn't think Andrea would mind and she definitely would keep what I tell her in confidence. I'm not sure if she'll give me a ride but I more than sure I could tell her my situation. Maybe not the whole story but still enough.

We also delved into my aversion to working the day shift. As well as it being the adjustment period to returning to work, I also react to the number of people on around and a fear of exposure to my situation. When I work nights it's only four of us on shift. On days there are more shift members plus technical, clerical and management staff. While the odds are against it, I have a fear of discovery and the number of people around triggers that fear. While I have nothing to fear, the inconvenience of the unannounced drug tests triggers it too.

We talked about the family gatherings and my dislike of going to them. It's not that I don't like my family and not that they don't like me. Part of it is just me being distant from them for so long and not really having much in common with them. Besides work and being blood relatives, I don't share anything with them. Even at family get togethers I find myself talking to just a few people. Like friends my friends, there are just a few family I let completely in my life.

She then asked if I'd always been this way or I was picked on, bullied or intimidated when growing up. No I hadn't. In fact in high school I never lacked for friends. My group was pretty big. I could count about twenty friends. They weren't just my friends. We were all friends. Within that group we had a cliches, conflicts and disputes but it was well known that we were there for each other. If anyone outsider messed with one of us, that person could count on the other guys to have his back.

Another point we touched on is reinforcing my decision making about drinking. That next time I won't have it easy. I will go to jail. No question. No one walks from a fourth DWI. The sentence is 2-10 years. I would destroy me and everything I've worked for. More than likely a judge would probably give me a year for each DWI. I'd probably be looking at four years prison.

I think that's most of what we covered. At least it's the major talking points. I go back next week for another session.

Nothing Special

Free wheeling thoughts this week. I was on vacation and visiting my family out of town. I had a nice relaxing time. The most strenuous thing I did was mow my mother's lawn. Other than I didn't do jack shit. It was good.

The big question on my mind was whether my sister's middle child still adored me. He does. I thought with school, soccer and new friend's he'd forget about his Uncle Pope. No he didn't. He came with my sister to pick me up and drive me back for the visit. His love to me is so unconditional it's unbelievable. I just own the moon for this kid. My sister says she runs a close second to me on who he loves most. It's great knowing someone cares for me so much.

Violet has been unusually quiet. Bad things happen when she's quiet. She's either found a new sucker or is going to show up on my doorstep in the next few months.

Rebecca and I still talk but she's about as useless as tits on a bull to my situation.

About the only time I spend with anyone on a regular basis is my old high school friend William. He's basically my version of Luca Brasi/Al Neri in his undying loyalty to me. Read the Godfather if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Tomorrow I go see the substance abuse doctor who helped my lawyer build my case. He put me on a program to prove to the court that I wanted to was willing to quit drinking. When it all came to a head it worked. Tomorrow's visit is a follow up for what? I'm not sure but I'm going.

Finally, today I had a visit with my shrink. I was hoping she would changes my meds. I've been back to work for two month's now. I told her my anxieties and working. She says it's part of the adjustments in getting my life back on track. She set our visit for two months from now.

I have my Terry Therapy Session on Thursday. As I've written before I think it's going ok. The trust issues and the reaching out problem I'm working on right now. I still can't get over how much an effect dating Violet messed me up. That's some deep rooted issues there. The other thing Terry nailed on the head was my reaction on returning from vacation. She said I would be relaxed but be prepared to feel the anxieties of my problems on my return. Damn did I. I had the major meltdown the night I got back. I have to bring that up with her.

Well, I'm sleepy but needed to vent. Good night.

The Terry Therapy Sessions III

Well I think I had a break through of sorts. My therapist and I have come to the conclusion I have trust issues. It's pretty bad too. As far as Terry can tell, me ex-girlfriend Violet was the one that messed me up. So on top of my high expectations for relationships and lack of communicating, I now don't trust women that come into my life. Great.

Terry tells me that my depression is 85% chemical imbalance and 15% rooted in other issues. She's looking to find out what that 15% is. She doesn't think it has anything to do with my upbringing. I had a fairly good family life and moral support from them. About the only thing that is messing me up family wise was the Golden Boy image of my brother.

So back to the trust issue. As I sit here writing this I can't put my finger on exactly what my trust misgivings are. I need to follow that up with Terry. The relationship with Violet though seems to have scarred me. As a result I don't trust women and it's a barrier to having a solid relationship.

The other thing we touched on was my strong hesitation on asking for help and letting people help me out. I feel like I'm a burden to people when I ask for rides and help taking me places. She said that I shouldn't feel that way. People are helping me out cause they want to. They see my situation and are willing to do favors for me. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm imposing on them. I did make some progress though in that I allowed a coworker to help me out with my car and I asked a friend for a ride to the counselor. They were very helpful and I'm very grateful to them. It also brings down the anxiety levels some.

The anxiety problem is something else I need to work on. I was totally relaxed this past week when I went to visit my mom and family. I've been back home less that 24 hours and already I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I don't even know why I'm all tensed up and feeling depressed. I'm getting up tomorrow, I'm going to work and nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. That's it and I'm all fucked up.

I see my shrink next week and I need to bring this up with her. I think I need an adjustment in my medication. Right now I have no reason to feel all tensed up, depressed and anxious. I had a good vacation with my family. I spent time with my nephews too and my best friend. All went well.

I brought it up with Terry that I'm feeling desperately lonely. I was looking forward to Dee's visit in August (that's a different story). It was one of the milestones to my probation count down I was using. Terry asked me if there was any thought of having a relationship with Dee. I said yes I've thought about it. Terry pointed out that I have a great friendship with her and that is the basis for a strong foundation for a relationship. Me and Dee had discussed it in the past. We talked about it last year but I was in no position cause of my legal problems. Dee withheld telling me about she felt about me cause I was dating Rebecca. She further hesitated telling me when in a drunken state I told Dee that I was in love with Rebecca.

Dee was right. I thought I was in love with Rebecca and had she brought up the subject of us having a relationship I would have told her no. What's further fucked up is how I knew in my heart that me and Rebecca were done but that I didn't want to leave her because I didn't want to be alone. I got used to spending the time and having someone in my life even though it was a dead end. To me a bad relationship was preferable to no relationship.

Dee also tells me that she thinks Rebecca and Violet are poison in my life. That I was able to cut out the other girlfriends and move on. It's something I'm very sensitive to. She asked me when I was going to cut ties with them. I told her not anytime soon. I know this thought would send her ballistic but I'd soon as cut them out of my life as I would her. It's just not going to happen.

As for Dee and I getting together, that's not going to happen anytime soon. I'll keep a long story short. She called me up in the middle of my vacation. I knew something was up. Sure enough she confessed her feelings for me. She was having anxiety attacks about coming to visit me and she couldn't make the air reservations to see me. Her therapist told her I was the underlying reason for these anxiety feelings and she needed to tell me. It didn't stun me and I had been contemplating this. I just don't have those feelings for her. I consider her a great friend and she's helped me out immensely with my anxieties, depressions and listening to me through my legal woes. It's just through all that I never developed the feelings for her that she has for me. She started crying and I told her that I was sorry.

I just don't have romantic feelings for Dee. My thinking was muddled for two days after our conversation but I finally was able to think it through. I wasn't going to lie to Dee and give her false hope of a future together. It would just be a recipe for disaster if I told her I liked her too. The last thing I want to do is hurt her and I would cause far more damage telling her I liked her than I would in telling her the truth. It just wouldn't be right.

Well I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to muddle through work this weekend. I need to decide what to do with the week Dee was coming to visit me. I have to either cancel the vacation time or reschedule it. It's a bummer. I was really looking forward to the visit and just not for the sex. I need the company. Sadly, like most my plans with women, this didn't come to fruition.

The Terry Therapy Session II

From session on June 12, 2008
Normally I blog from work but I put a stop to that. I don't need work to know all the Pope's business. In a new topic in my blog, I decided to include the notes I take for myself after I have a session with my therapist. Her name is Teresa so I'm calling notes The Terry Therapy Sessions. Novel huh?

While I usually write things down after a session, I didn't last time because nothing significant came out of it. Thursday's session was a better session.

One of the things we are looking at is my relationships with women or lack of one. She asked why me and Rebecca broke up. I told her I caught her cheating. Besides Rebecca being my enabler why did I stay with her? Was I thinking marriage? I was at some point but then I felt things were getting stale. All we did was drink, go out to eat and just hang out. Also I told her I wasn't going to leave. Rebecca was the one who was going to end the relationship.

She also delved into two of my previous relationships. She asked me why did me and Christina break up. We just never fell in love and decided to move on after a year. She asked about Rosa. I told her honestly I didn't know. That was years ago. She even predated the Violet years.

She asked me if drinking was a problem in those relationships. Not with Christina but there were a few occasions in which Rosa was upset with my drinking. It did cause a few problems with us. We always had a good time and Rosa thought the world of me. I thought the world of her too but sometimes things are just not meant to be. Me and Rosa never really officially broke up. We just kind of drifted but stayed great friends. How great? I was a groomsman in her wedding. I thought it was a joke when we pledged that if we didn't get married we would be in each other's weddings. So I was pleasantly surprised when she and her fiance asked me to be in there wedding.

My therapist thinks I might set my expectations for a relationship too high. That I felt me and Rebecca stagnated but in reality most couple's level out. The new giddy feeling wears out after a while. And that's something I need to realize. That if I want a long term relationship then I'll have to learn that it will mature and the newness will go away. The love in the relationship doesn't go away but the relationship matures and a routine sets in. However the couple needs to find ways to stave off some of the oldness like date night, special occasions and looking to do things together that both enjoy. Those all signs that a couple has grown together.

Another relationship issue I might have is communication. I didn't voice my concerns with Rebecca. I didn't tell her my expectations for our relationship. One of the reasons she may have cheated was I didn't tell her what I wanted. Like me, she may have thought every thing had reached a peak in our relationship. With me not us not communicating our intentions, we didn't express our needs and expectations for each other. Instead of seeking out each other, she may have gone looking to have her expectations and needs else where.

In the future relationships, or even when I meet someone new, I need to start thinking about what I want. I also need to learn to relay those expectations. Not that I should scare off a new woman by saying I want a serious relationship and marriage and kids and all those things. No, that would just drive someone off when I just meet her. However, as the relationship grows, we should keep the lines of communication open and if things gradually changes, we should discuss it.

She also wants me to think about my drinking patters. Why some nights can I have one or two drinks and stop. Why on other nights, know I have to work, did I go off on a binge. She says I'm capable of making good decisions but I just use poor judgment. I did tell her I don't know why some nights I behaved and other nights I binged. There is some trigger there but we might not find it since I can't recall what sets off the binge.

I told her I started to realize I was stuck in that college boy party mode. In the mean time most of my friends were getting married and having families. The only way I grew up is I had a job. I, however, didn't mature beyond that 22 year old drinking party animal. I'm starting t realize I'm going to be forty and getting to old for this type of behavior. She told me this line of thinking was a sign that I was maturing and moving on in my life from that phase. She also noted that reflecting on my life like that is another sign I'm maturing.

She told me the reason most relationships fail is due to one of three reasons: money, child rearing and cheating. While those were the reasons, it's lack of communication is the underlying reason on the failure. I think she's trying to drive home the point that if I want to have a long term relationship I need to get into the proper mode about communicating.

I told her about the whole Violet incident with her last boyfriend. She told me Violet reaches out to me because she feels safe with me. That's a sign of having a strong character. I should have some pride in that people sense that strength of character in me and that they turn to me for moral support.

After the session, I did some more reflections on the strength of character and why people reach out to me. Lily sought me out after years of not talking. Her marriage was falling apart and she turned to me when she needed a friend. She didn't want money, she didn't want sex, she just wanted a person who she could trust and talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge her or criticize here. Dee in Tampa also turns to me in friendship. Swami turns to me sometimes. Even Rebecca calls just when she needs to get things out or needs a friend. A lot of people trust and value my friendship. The know I don't judge them and they know they can trust me. I won't turn them away because I am loyal to them. I can be fair and objective. It's not to say I don't speak out when I think they are doing things wrong. My love and friendship may be unconditional but I don't always approve what their actions and I will let them know that.

Overall, I got a few things out of this last session. I am maturing in my life. I realize my partying behavior isn't right for someone my age. That in realizing that I am maturing. I also need to open myself up more in relationships with women. I need to learn to communicate my expectations and not let things stagnate. If I feel stagnation sets on, I need to look at why. Did the relationship really stagnate or am I holding my expectations in the relationship too high? The newness of relationships wears off. I have to make an effort keep things fresh and communicate what I expect. The key is to keep the lines of communication open and not bottle things up in me.

Well that's all I have tonight....

Goodnight to you all,
Honza Pavel III (Czech translation of John Paul III)

Upcoming vacations, Lily, Violet update and rambling Rebecca

Well I getting back into the groove at work. I've already been popped twice in one week for unannounced drug tests. It's all part of the deal I signed to allow me back to work.

I also put in for a week off in later this month and a week off in August. The later part of this month I'm going to visit my mom and family. I haven't seen my mom since Christmas. I haven't seen my sister and her family in over a year. I feel bad that I haven't seen my nephews. They've grown so much in over a year.

In August I'm going to visit Dee in Tampa. That should be a week of eating, movie watching and sex. I need to get laid. It's been almost a year. Obviously I'm looking forward to that.

A couple of weeks ago I was tooling around MySpace.com and I found my old goumada. I was with her when I dated Christina the Colombian girl back in 2001-2002. Her name is Jessica. We messed around for quiet a time. I messed with her not only when I was seeing Christina but also when I went back for round three with Violet. She's a nice girl but very depressed. I talked to a mutual friend and she said that Jessica suffered from severe depression. I tried to get Jessica to do more things with me as far a dating. After me and Christina broke up I thought maybe I could start something up with her. She wasn't game for it though. Probably cause she was seeing other guys on the sly.

Anyway, I requested her as a friend on MySpace.com but she didn't respond. Or she declined it. I was hoping she would accept but I know she's moved on. The part I left out is that she was a stripper. That's how I met her. I figure she's not stripping anymore and wants to move on from that part of her life. I don't blame her. At least it seems she's doing okay.

Was I right or was I right about Violet? I wrote that I put the over under on her latest relationship at four months. It was a push. It lasted four months. It was a typical Violet relationship. She meets a guy, starts using him for money and fun. She told me this guy was a jealous guy. That one day he followed her to work and watch from the outside. A customer went into the store. After the customer left, Violet's boyfriend went into the store and accused her of having another man on the side. Violet told him he'd lost his mind. The boyfriend freaked out about a customer.

I'm not sure exactly when she dumped him. After they broke up, he showed up at her place a few nights later. He was banging on her door and yelling at her. She finally relented and let him in. Things got heated and he hit her a few times. She retaliated by throwing a vase at him. The cops were called and they were both arrested. She was let go with no charges but he was hit with an assault charge.

Things only got worse from there. He was paying for her insurance on his policy. Obviously after the break up he took her off the policy. Three nights later her car was stolen. She reported it to the cops but they said unless he's caught with the car there is nothing they can do about it. So now she's without a car and is stuck with a $300 car note for another year.

I don't know what her next move is going to be. She's in a tight spot but she'll be ok. I did offer to let her stay with me if she wanted to move back to Texas. I hate to see a friend suffering so much. If I can be of any help I'd gladly do it.

Finally, about a week ago, Rebecca drunk dialed me. She and her daughter had gone out to celebrate Gina's successfully finishing her school year. Rebecca just talked on and on about nothing. She's struggling with her business right now. I'm not too worried about that though. Her store is very cyclical. Her daughter is going to Egypt for the summer. Her uncle invited her to go stay with him. He's single and has no kids so he's paying for everything. I'm jealous. I hope she enjoys herself.

Well that's all for now. I gotta go get ready for work.

Adios,
The Pontiff Maximus

Notes from the Therapist

I saw my new therapist for the second time today. I really like her. I hope first impressions last. She seems to know her stuff.

I write this while it's fresh in my mind. A few things I need to look at and start thinking about.

First, I told her about my anxiety attacks this weekend. She acknowledges that is part of my make up. What I need to do is start changing my thinking patterns. That when things start to overwhelm me she wants me to start to slowdown. It sounds cliche but she wants me to take deep breaths and walk away from the situation. Watch a movie, read a book or magazine or call a friend to distract myself. Take a break from my overreacting thinking even if it is only for thirty minutes.

She explained it this way to me. When a person starts to get anxious, the flight or fight response kicks in. The mind doesn't differentiate from a physical or imagined threat. In my case, even though I knew I was going to be okay, I built my situation up in mind and went into thinking overdrive. All the endorphins the body creates in a flight or fight situation built up like toxins in my body. They continually build up because I couldn't find a release or solution. When I called my shrink on Sunday and she gave me the xanax script I found a release. I told her I didn't take the medication. She said I still felt relief because I made the call and picked up the script. That my mind knew that if continued this path of thinking I would take the meds and would calm down. So I knew there was relief one way or another and that my body stepped down from the amped up mode.

She also asked me to look at why I didn't reach out to someone sooner. Why did I let myself linger for three or four days in my misery? I told her I knew Dee was going to call me since she hadn't seen me online and that when I saw the email from Dee I really didn't want to open it. I had a feeling of dread that I would have to reply to Dee through email or IM. She asked me why I felt that dread. I said because Dee would ask me what's going on and that I really didn't want to deal with it. Why the dread and why do I not want to deal with my misery? Pride. It boils down to pride and not wanting to admit I'm having a problem.

She then asked me if I have a problem asking for help. I said for the most part I do. She says I have a pride issue and it's something I need to work on. It's not a bad thing. It's just that I need to realize it and know when I'm letting my pride cause me problems. Pride can be a debilitating issue. It's one thing to have pride in one's work and accomplishments. It's another to let it get so big that one can't swallow one's ego and ask for help. No one wants admit they have flaws but one shouldn't allow damage to one's health either because they won't ask for help.

She gave me a situation. Imagine that a friend came to me and said he had a big cocaine problem. How would I treat or react to him? I said I would offer any help I could and would be there for them. Why? He is my friend and I care for him. It would be my privilege to help him. I would feel great that he could turn to me for help. She asked me why I don't reach out when I need help? Did I think I was better than my friends? I said on some level I think that I am. She said it was the pride issue.

She told me that I need to show that same empathy and care for myself that I would show a friend. I can't beat myself up over an issue there is a solution to. It is human to think I'm better but I need to change my thinking and look for help when it's there.

She also says the pride issue comes from the Golden Boy image of my brother and the high esteem others hold him in. It's issue that we will delve deeper into at another time. She said that not only does the pride trigger the depression but it might be the reverse. That my depression might trigger the pride.

She says I know what my issues are and that I deal with them only when things come to a crisis point. That I need to change my thinking patterns and start confronting things sooner. She says it's not easy and it won't happen soon. Only with with time and gradual changes in my behavior will I be able to deal with my anxieties and breaking down my debilitating pride.

We also talked about my drinking. We've already established I drink when I'm bored. She also asked what other situations I drink in. I said anytime. When I'm out with friends. When I go to parties or dinners. I just drink. Why then do I drink in these situations? Do I think it makes me funnier, dance better or more outgoing? I think times it does. I told her that sometimes I'm having a good time and that drinking enhances that feeling. She says we need to explore why I feel that drinking enhances a good time. That there is an issue on why I can't just be out with friends and not enjoy that feeling and be happy.

She asked me if I always drink when with friends like when we are playing cards or just hanging out. I said no. The group of friends I play poker with don't allow me to drink. They know about my previous DWI, not this one though, and that they might let me have a drink or two but that's it. I said I can respect that and that it doesn't drive me away from them. She said I need to learn to hold my self accountable at the same level my friends do.

Right now I have the fear and the accountability that work and probation are holding me to. In the future all that will be gone. I need to start now in instilling that accountability in myself.

We covered a lot of ground in a fifty minute session. It's only a start though and we will be digging deeper into these issues and more as time progresses. I know all this isn't ground breaking news to me. I've written before about my pride and how I don't want to admit I have flaws. It's just now I have help in how to tackle these issues. I have someone who is trained in counseling and can guide me in the direction I need go. Like Swami tells me, it's a different perspective on things.

Return to Work

Tuesday was the first day back at work. Six months off from work to deal with my legal and alcohol issues. After four months, I went down to half pay. Thankfully I have savings to get me through that half pay issues. But it's going to be nice have a full pay check again.

I was nervous about returning. Before, my anxieties were about the conditions that were going to be put on me. Next crisis was the return to work.

I made it ok. I had to report to medical and give a breath and urine sample. Then they released me to work.

The whole day was bringing up my certifications online. Also I had to make sure I had all my passwords reset and access to all my computers and programs I need to work.

No one made a big deal about me returning except one guy. He talked aloud about how I know how to work the system and get a good vacation. It was harmless banter. I think it made my coworkers who know my situation more nervous than me.

I filled out my vacation days in order to attend football games on the days I work. I also put in for the day off when I have the first meeting with the aftercare counselor. I have to work that day and couldn't finagle it to get transportation to and from work. So my work around is just take the whole day off. These meetings with the counselor are of utmost importance. To miss one is a major violation of the contract. I plan to schedule them on my off days or night shifts. My supervisor says she'll work with me on it too. But I haven't informed them that I have a suspended license so leaving and coming back to work isn't an option.

My supervisor talked to me while we were at work. First, she wanted me to know my confidentiality is of utmost importance. Second, if I need to talk to her about any issues that her door is open. She wants me to succeed. Anything she can do to help for me not to be afraid to ask. And that if anyone at work gives me problems about asking why I was off, just to tell them I don't want to talk about it. If they give me problems, then talk to her. She wants me to be comfortable in returning to work.

So, it's going to be a while where I can feel completely comfortable at work. Get into the swing of working rotation shifts again. Going to see who I can approach about picking me up on the shifts I don't work. It will all work out. I'm not worried. I just need to have faith in my friends.

I need to work on getting an occupational license too. My lawyer hasn't returned my calls for the last three weeks. It's pissing me off. I paid him good money and I figured he'd want the repeat business. I can't wait any longer though. I need to move on and see if I can get one or not. It would go a long way to helping make my life a lot easier. No I won't be able to run around all over creation but I'll drive to work, the grocery store and be able to at least eat at restaurants along the way to the stores. That's something to break the monotony of just working and AA meetings. Anything helps.

Anxiety on returning to work, terms set for returning

Finally, I return to work. I need to. Half pay only goes so far. I shouldn't bitch. I kept my job. I have to do AA twice a week, meet with my therapist once a week, meet with the drug counsellor twice a month and random drug tests. I had to sign a contract stipulating all of the above and that if I mess up it's grounds for termination. I have to follow this aftercare program for two years. After that, the terms of the contract are completed. For three more years though, I'll still be subject to random drug testing.

To be honest, I think it's a bunch of bullshit. I've been sober almost nine months. They didn't factor any of that in. They just slapped me with the two years and the conditions. As far as AA, I'm just going to go through the motions. Twelve steps isn't my thing. AA says I'm just not drinking but since I don't do the step, I will eventually return to drinking. I think that's cult thinking. Do it our way or you won't succeed.

Not having transportation is the real pain. I just keep telling myself, February isn't that far off. Once work starts, time will go fast, football season will be here and then before I know it, my license is reinstated.

My lawyer has pissed me off. I've been calling him for three weeks now and no return calls. I want to see if I qualify for an occupational license. My administrative suspension is up in July but the court ordered one is until February. Once I'm mobile, I won't have trouble making all the meetings and random drug tests.

This is it though. I can't drink anymore. One slip up and I'm fired. They said if I relapse and come clean with them, they won't fire me. They will just have to see what happened and maybe adjust my aftercare program to ensure I stay sober. However, if I don't tell them and I get drug tested and fail, there is no hope.

I had to sign releases in order for my counselor to talk to my psychiatrist and the medical department. I haven't signed a release for my therapist yet. I really don't want to. I don't want the counselor privy to everything in my therapy sessions. I want my therapy sessions to be a place where I can vent and feel safe. I don't think I can be completely open in therapy if I know all I say will be getting reported back to the counselor. Like the AA thing, I'd like to say hey I don't like AA to my therapist. What I don't want is her reporting our sessions and then my counselor asking me why I don't like AA.

I'm so grateful that my doctor called me back when I called her answering service. We talked about what was going on. She was surprised they hadn't let me back to work. I told her I was getting anxiety and almost had a panic attack. She called in a script for xanax of 1 mg. I don't like taking it so I didn't. I wont tell my shrink that though. I deeply cherish my psychiatrist. She's been here for me through think and thin. She called pack when I called her answering service with in five minutes. The drug counselors that I've talked to have nothing but rave reviews about her. She was very helpful in not letting my life fall apart and helpful getting my time I need off from work to accomplish and take care of getting my life in order to succeed. Without her I would have been a basket case. I'm glad I found her. It was pure luck. My HMO sent me a list and I like her name so I chose here. It's worked out beautifully for me. She's genuine and has my best interests at heart. And it's just reinforced when I hear someone say what a wonderful doctor she is.

I'll admit my anxiety of returning to work is bothering me. I'm sure people will ask me of what's going on. All I'm going to say is that it was medical issues and leave it at that. I'm sure there will be rumors since I'll be riding into work with other but that's small potatoes. Once I get the routine down, everything will be okay.

Only thing I have to worry about is having someone meet me at the gate tomorrow and go to medical. Medical will be my first UA. Nothing to worry about there. I'm clean.

Once I get a routine down, I plan and going to visit my mom, sister and husband with the kids. It would be a nice way to get out of here. I think it would help time go too. Two weeks in San Antonio and maybe a week in Florida to see Dee. After that, football kicks off and once it gets going, time flies for me.

It's amazing how time has flown by for me since the arrest. Nine months already. I put myself through a lot but it's all for the good. The judge could have thrown the book at me. I showed I was willing to work at my sobriety by getting myself clean and going to rehab program. It worked and she gave me the lightest sentence possible. Actually, I think she went beyond what's required. State law mandates 80 minimum hours community service and 5-30 days in jail with two years probation. Instead she waived the community service and the jail time. She had me continue using antebuse and suspended my license for a year.

I'm going to live to fight again. So what I'm under their thump for two years and drug test for three additional years. It's probably saving me from myself in the long run.

Dios te Bendiga
Juan Pablo III

Tomorrow at noon I have the meeting with the counselor and work. I'm taking a union rep with me. I'm anxious as hell. I was so bad I had to call my shrink. She called in a xanax prescription for me. I hate taking the stuff. I still haven't showered. I really need to. I'm just so out of it. I just want to go back to work and get my life back on track.

That's all.

Frustrations

The wait on returning to work in not sitting well with me. I called the medical department and lady handling my case said she was waiting to hear back from the counselor they sent me to. She told me that she would follow up. I'm still waiting.

I went to see a therapist on Monday. It was an initial visit. She asked me a bunch of questions to get to know me. Typical stuff and I go back to see her in two weeks. I told her about this blog. She asked me to print out some pages so we can discuss what's been going on with my life. I have no problem with that.

I was flipping through the channels over the weekend. Big surprise given my situation. I heard a line from some kid on a show,"I'm nineteen. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions." Good luck. I'm thirty nine. I still don't make my own decisions.

I realize that I put myself in my own situation but I know I'll never be full in charge of my own decisions. I'm under the thumb of the probation department for the next nine months. I'll be under a watch from work for the next two years. Will I truly be free after that? No. I'll still have to take drugs for my depression. I'll never be free from that. What about drinking? I'll never be free from that. I can't drink and control it. I have to stay away from that. I can't control myself when it comes to drinking. That is something I'll never be able to escape for the rest of my life.

My legal record will follow me for the rest of my life. Three DWIs are going no where. The state of Texas doesn't allow it to drop off like other infractions on a driving record.

Overall I'm just frustrated and feel stuck. I want out of where I live so bad. I want to be free to move about again. I want to be able to drive to a game or a movie. I want to be able to go have dinner without worrying about drinking and driving. I want work to be off my back. I just feel like I have chains and shackles weighing me down.

Miserable night

I was fucking miserable yesterday. I stayed up late and then slept all day. I kept tossing and turning. I slept lightly and in fits. I got out of bed at something like 2:30 p.m. I got up and thought maybe if I distracted myself on by surfing the web that I'd feel all right. Nothing. By 4:30 I was back in bed. I slept some more.

I called a friend to see if he was going to an AA meeting. I figured maybe if I went I'd snap out of this. People in AA always say get to a meeting or that they need to go to a meeting. I've never understood what that meant. I'm pretty sure yesterday was as close as I'll know. A lot of them say it helps them not drink. I can say I was in no danger of drinking but I guess that's what is meant that I need a meeting.

My friend never called me back and I didn't call anyone else about going to a meeting. It was probably a bad choice. I ended up being miserable all night.

In a sign that one addiction substitutes for another, I ate constantly last night and downed Dr. Peppers. Last time I went to my shrink I weighed myself and I had regained the weight I lost when all the shit hit the fan. I now think I've surpassed that. I pound down chocolate like it's going out of style and I drink soft drinks. In an effort to hold down the soft drink calories I've taken to drinking cool aide. Problem with that is it's too sweet and tastes too good. I end up drinking it too quick.

I woke up not feeling any better this morning. And on that note, I'll be back. I need a fucking shower and then I need to eat.

===================================================================

Okay, I'm back. Fuck I needed to shower. Now I feel much better. Got the Zune plugged in on random play. I'm good to go.

As I was writing, I didn't feel much better this morning. I took a sleeping pill the night before. I tend not to take them since I had to ween myself off them last year. I had to be at my probation officer's at 11:00 a.m. The taxi service around here sucks so I called around 9:00 and to my shock they showed up thirty minutes later. Since I've completed all the terms of my probation, my visits consist of me showing up and handing over a probation report, a copy of my pay stub, proof that I've been attending AA and pissing in a cup. Since I got there early, I was out of there at 11:00 on the nose.

The AA club is right down the street. I decided to walk over and take in the noon meeting. No one I knew was there when I walked in so I bought a coke and cookies from the vending machine and read a magazine. As I stated before, AA does nothing for me. A coworker and the neighbor I called both show up right before the meeting. Par for the course, I'm bored out of my mind. I play with my Blackjack phone to kill the time. Goddamn, my coworker chaired the meeting. That son of a bitch talked for twenty minutes and said nothing. Hey, though, who am I to judge? If it's what's keeping him sober then good for him.

The meeting couldn't end soon enough but when it did I went over to talk to my neighbor. We ended up bullshitting and going to lunch. Since it was his birthday I treated. It was good and it help that I had someone to talk to. We didn't talk about anything in particular but I guess the friendship was what helped. He's a little to into the whole AA thing and pushes me to have the same outlook on life and sobriety as he does. I just nod my head and agree.

====================================================================

And I guess now is as good a time for my AA rant as any. AA, the twelve steps, a sponsor, meetings and higher power doesn't work for me. To me it's more important to have people to talk to and let out what's bothering me. The official stance is that alcoholism is a disease and I was adamant that it wasn't. I still can't buy into the whole concept of it being a disease. Alcoholism is real and it's nasty. It destroys the life of the user and those around them. But I still can't view it completely as disease. It's a fucking addiction like crack, cocaine and heroin.

AA and other's preach that there is no cure for alcoholism. There is only recovery. That only through a higher power can someone beat the addiction. They don't define the higher power. They leave that to the individual. I really don't buy into the higher power in that sense. I think a person needs to find strength from some where but also needs to find strength with in. There is no way a person is going to beat alcoholism with out finding that inner strength. Not all the faith and believe in a higher power is going to help an alcoholic sober up if he doesn't want to put down the bottle.

Another thing that gets me is how in meetings and in talking with others is that they say that AA is different for everyone. For example, one thing the quote constantly is "What works for me might not work for you." That the program for recovery is different for each individual. Then explain the fucking twelve steps! They call it a guide to recovery. That doesn't make any sense. If it's an individual program why do they have twelve steps? One thing that they are pounding down my throat is that I have to do the twelve steps. I have to. I have to. If I don't, I'll end up drunk again. I have to sit down with a sponsor and go through the twelve steps. There is no other way. It's bullshit.

Of all the people I've met in AA and recovery programs, I've had only two people tell me it's not about the meetings, twelve steps and a sponsor. The first was a guy I met in my original AA group. I'll call him by his initials ES. The guy was just a phenomenal human being. If anyone I've ever met has a right to do drugs and drink, it was him. Life has just shit on him anyway it could AFTER he went into recovery. Yet he had the strength to maintain his sobriety. He was my original AA sponsor. He was honored by me asking him.

About two months into it I told ES,"Hey man, this whole sponseree sponsor thing isn't for me. Nothing against you but I don't want to do it."

He was cool with it and said,"I understand. If it isn't working for you, it isn't. Are you planning on staying sober though?"

I said,"Yes, but I just don't want a sponsor. I want us to be friends and I want you to be there for me when I need to talk and hash things out but I think this whole twelve step thing is bullshit and I'm not going to do it."

"Not a problem. I want to help you in anyway I can and if that's what you want then so be it."

Around that time I was near my six months and I told him not to make a big deal about it. I don't celebrate those milestones and I don't want him doing anything for me. I also told him when my year approaches only he was going to know. I'm not doing the birthday celebration and speaking and all the shit the AA clubs do. He told me that it was fine and that is how I deal with it. All he want was at least for me to let him buy me a steak.

I miss him dearly. He got busted driving a car without his license and the judge revoked his probation. I had to tell him not to call me so much from jail cause it was running up my bill. His house got foreclosed while he was locked up and I had no other way to get in contact with him once he got out. I went a few times to the AA club where I met him and no one heard about or would say what happened to him.

====================================================================

The other person that told me it wasn't about the twelve steps, the meetings and the sponsor was, of all people, one of the counselors in my last rehab outpatient stint. She told me,"Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to meetings. I want you to get to know a few people. I want you to meet people in your age group. Get their numbers and talk to them. Don't isolate yourself and stare at the walls in a meeting. I want these people to be your friends. I want you to pick up the phone and call them. For you, it's not about working steps and going to meetings. For you, it's about having a few people you can call and just talk to. I want you to call them and invite them out to coffee. You have a good job so offer to pay. I know you like to do that right?"

I nodded that I like to treat. Which I do.

"See, use that. No, these people won't be using you if you buy. They will reciprocate. The point being is I want you to get to know a few guys and this is a way to break the ice. I know you can't drive so don't be embarrassed to call them and ask for a ride or just to do something. And, when that phone rings, I don't want you to look at the caller ID and see it's your AA buddies and not answer. Pick up that phone. Let them invite you to coffee. Don't hide yourself from them. That is your recovery. Not steps, not sponsors, not meetings. That don't mean shit. I want you to interact and fellowship with guys your age in recovery."

I miss her too. She nailed me and my ways right on the head. I still go to aftercare at the facility but she's moved on.

Well, this post is by far the longest I've ever written. Once I got going though I let it rip. A lot of this has been swirling around in my head. In the long term I know I'll be fine. Sadly I'm not going to meet any other people like KS or my rehab instructor. Everybody is jamming AA meetings, working twelve steps and getting a sponsor down my throat. They have no imagination or ability to see beyond the little corner they've painted themselves into. That's why in my opinion most will never live a complete and happy life. They've been fed and taught the whole AA alcoholism concept and they can't move past it.

From inside the Vatican Apartments,
Papa Juan Pablo III