Donkey Punch

I was so sick last night. I couldn't even fucking breath. It was so bad I wanted to punch somebody.

I kept getting out of bed and wandering around my apartment. I'd open the fridge and decide I'm not hungry. I'd lay down on the couch hoping to fall asleep. No luck. I went back to bed and just got angrier that I couldn't sleep.

I was miserable. Finally sometime after midnight I called the shift supervisor and told her I wasn't going into work and that I needed to see a doctor.

I was fortunate I got in this morning to see the doc. Just allergies. She gave me some pretty good meds. I'm taking one more day off just to try and rest. This crud is kicking my ass. I'd hate to go in and crater after a few hours.

The Bleach Blond
I wasted no time with her but I didn't fuck her. Yet.

I got her number the other day. Called her that night. She went to a football game with me.

Why didn't I fuck her? Cause when she came over to my place the morning of the game she told me she hadn't been home all night. She stayed with a friend and that she'd been partying with some guy. I thought, hell, she probably fucked this guy only hours ago. I don't want to go there. I'll have to get it one day after work when I know where she's been the last twelve hours.

Still no word from Violet. I wonder if she's gonna balls up come clean with her shenanigans. I had to cut the phone off though. I've done so much for her cause I hate to see her suffer. When I brought her back from Florida she was suicidal. I helped her through that.

Now she's only made her own mess. It's not that I don't care. I really do but I can't let her drag me down. I'm happy and aside from being sick today, I'm no longer miserable.

Just one more thing I need to make me perfectly happy...but I won't reveal that now.

Until next time,
Your Happy Horny Pope

Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Her Goodbye

I've said so long to Violet. After my little poll last week, I decided that I would give her one chance to explain her absence and overall shitheaded behavior.

Here's a brief recap. Evidently she was robbed at work and took time off. She then went on a little trip to Mexico in July. I haven't heard from her since. Her son called me in late July or early August (like I really care when) and paid me for her cell phone that's on my account.

I see calls and texts are being sent from her phone when I check the logs online. I occasionally try to call her but never get an answer or return call. Last week I decided to poll my friends and ask them should I cut her phone off or not. The vote was a resounding victory for the "Cut off Phone" campaign.

Her son then called me a couple of weeks ago and said she'd be back soon.

Well Monday I checked the account online and over 1000 minutes had been used recently. I did a reverse number look up on those calls. Most were to auto businesses, insurance companies, auto storage and moving companies and car dealers. In the billing period, which ends October 3rd, someone has used 1500 out of 2100 minutes on my account.

I came up with a few theories on what's going on.

The first contestant is that she's really in Mexico and left her phone with someone to use while she's gone. Her son told me he has it. So either he's making all the calls or he's lying to me for her.

Behind door number two is she isn't really in Mexico but still in the U.S. She miscalculated me and her situation. I believe she thought that I would keep paying the bill in order to keep my phone in service. I don't think she knew I could suspend her phone without it affecting my service.

After seeing how many minutes were run up on my account (despite it not costing me a thing), I decided then and there that it was time to cut no more slack. I called and had her account suspended at 9:30 a.m. yesterday.

I had my coworker screen my calls at work in case Violet called. I turned my phone off for a while.

Sure enough, around 11:30 a.m. I turned my phone back on, and there was a call from an 800 number. I didn't answer the first two times but I did on the third call. It was the cell company and they called to tell me that she was trying to access the account to find out why the phone wasn't working. However she was unable to verify one of the two social security numbers on the account: mine or hers. So they wanted me to verify that she was on the account and tell her why the phone was off. I did allow them to tell her that the phone was suspended.

Later, I realized that if she did find my SSN she could call and have the service reinstated. I called the carrier and told them that under no circumstances are they to turn the phone back on without my permission. She has no authority to do so.

Now a little theory refinement. I don't think it was her calling the cell phone company. I think whoever is using it called or used a female to pose as Violet and call. If it really were her she could access the account with her social security number. I also believe she still has mine.

So I believe she's still in Mexico and left the phone for someone, probably some man she's fucking, to use as he pleases. No worries, she thinks, that idiot the Pope is paying for it all.

As Chucky once said,"Fuck you, bitch!"

I'm Going off the Rails on the Crazy Train

And then there is the other end of the spectrum. Nothing going on. Not really.

I still haven't heard a peep from Violet. I did a text poll of my friends on whether or not I should cut her cell phone off even though her son has paid me for it. The overwhelming majority voted to cut it off. One person made it conditional and one was actually compassionate. The condition is if I'm still doing her then leave it on. The compassionate one says leave it on as long as it's paid up. Everybody else said the hell with her. I'm in agreement with those that said cut it off. She's paid up til next week then bammo she's off my account.

I do have to admit, most my male friends just said cut it off and left it that. My female friends, well, damn you women are vicious. They couldn't vote yes or no. They had to throw in the "fuck her that goddamn inconsiderate bitch" comments. That's why I love my female friends. I didn't give Rebecca a vote though. I can figure a wild guess on which way she'd vote.

Running with Scissors
I've diagnosed my coworker with "Running With Scissors" syndrome. What that means is that she's an attention whore. She tries to get attention like a little kid running around yelling "Look I'm running with scissor!" I had already pegged her as being needy.

For fucks sake, she's a new hire at work. I'm doing some troubleshooting the other day and she comes up to me and asks if I need help. I just give her my best "I don't give a damn" look and say,"I've been here 13 years. I think I know what I'm doing." Another time I was working on something else and again she sticks her business in my nose and asks if I need help. I turn to her and flat out say,"Absolutely, positively not." And go on my merry way.

Damn woman is in a shitty relationship at home. She's told others that the only reason she's still with her boyfriend is cause the sex is good. Personally I don't care how good the sex is, if I'm miserable, I'm gone. No sex is that good. Buy a goddamn vibrator. What the fuck?

That said, if she lays back and puts her ankles around her ears for me, I'm diving right in. Why? Cause that just the way I roll.

Oh Sexy Girlfriend!

You smell fishy!
Well your Pope has been a bit busy lately.

I’ve been working some overtime at work to pay for the final touches on my car’s engine work. Next up for her is a brand new custom paint job so she’ll look pretty and sexy.

I’ve also spent a couple of days out on the water fishing. Both times I ended up getting run off by lightening. The first day out at the lake I got some good bites but no catches. The second day down at a river I caught plenty of fish but no keepers. Two catfish, three ladyfish and two small strippers (a third didn’t count because it was foul hooked). The ladyfish were a lot of fun to catch as they hit only artificial lures. One almost put my eye out when I tried to set the hook and the fish broke loose. The lure flew out of the water and right past my face.
Between working extra shifts and fishing, I’ve let my apartment go to shit. Not a mess but just clutter.

Also preseason football started and I went to one game.

So Long Dear Uncle

My uncle died Friday after a long battle with cancer. My plan was to take the afternoon off from work Monday and drive to out of town for the funeral. After waking up tired Sunday, I decided to take the whole day off on Monday. I needed to get my car inspected, a haircut and make sure my suit fit.

I had asked my cousin if I could be a pallbearer if she didn’t have the six picked out yet but she did. I did some other task during the mass. I didn’t matter to me but I was honored that I got to do one last task for my uncle.

Two’s Company, Three’s a Manage a Twat

Tomorrow I make a quick stop at my home for a change of clothes and vehicles and I’m off to a casino to meet some friends and celebrate a friend’s birthday.

It’s kind of a weird situation for me. Originally a much larger group was going. I asked my friend who all was in the final tally. She told me it was just me, her and her boyfriend. Great. I get to be a third wheel at best and a third in a threesome at worst. Trust me the later scenario is the worst idea.

To be honest, I don’t want to reveal much yet of what is going on there. She’s in a messed up domestic situation and wants to dump her boyfriend but for financial reasons just can’t yet.

I’ll say this much. We get along really great and she’s a lot of fun to hang out. She deserves better than the fuck up she’s dating right now. I’m her sounding board on their problems. Sometimes I want to grab her by the neck and say, “Run, dammit, run!” It’s not my place to. I think back to my last year with Rebecca and realize I was in the same situation. Not financially dependent but emotionally dependent. Rebecca was my crutch and my enabler of bad habits. Yet I decided to stay in the situation.

I let my friend know about the train wreck that was me and Rebecca. And I told her how bad a situation it was for me and how destructive it was. But I don’t tell her how to run her life. I just want her to see I was in a similar situation and it blew up ugly and nasty.

Boss, da plane, fantasy football plane!


Football season officially opens for me on Saturday with the kick off of my alma mater’s first game. I have a ticket but may not make the game. Saturday also marks the day of my fantasy football league draft. I hope we wrap up the draft in time to make kick off.

Football. My favorite time of year. It’s Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa and all other religious holidays for me. My bible is Pro Football Weekly and my church is Reliant Stadium. Best time of year.

Well, like Paris Hilton’s panties, I’m off.

The Pontiff Maximus Johannes Paulus III