I didn't celebrate Christmas this year. Not sure if I celebrated last year. Don't care. I don't celebrate Christmas. This year I made a total mockery of it.
I did my usual Hanukkah candle ceremony for the first few nights. Then I blew that off. I stuck with the Festivus theme instead. I even made a Festivus Card from one I found of George Costanza. I emailed it to most my friends and the one relative who sent me a Christmas card. I wonder how that went over with my religious family? I really don't care.
Christmas means nothing to me. It was a pagan holiday that the early Christian church took for itself. The actual day has nothing to do with the birth of Christ. It has everything to do with the winter solstice and sun worship.
I laugh at my friends who think it's the birth of Christ. It couldn't be further than the truth. Let them believe what they want. I want no part of the false holiday any more.
How I acknowledge God and Christ is my business and I definitely don't think Christmas is the way to do it. I think I would respect Christians more if churches and Christians could explain the true origins of Christmas. The church won't tell the truth. Big surprise there.
So I hope everybody had a Happy Festivus For the Rest of Us!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I swear if it wasn't for bad luck Violet would have no luck at all.
I was getting a bit pissed at her. I called her a couple of times since last week and she hadn't called back. That's usually a sign that something is wrong with her. I called her last night and told her to call me when she had time. What I didn't tell her is that I wasn't going to call her again. I get tired of her little games and only being a convenience to her.
Like a bad habit she comes back. This time with her latest tell of woe. Saturday after work she went to the bank and withdrew money for bills, her mom and Christmas gifts for her son. When she got home, she lives with her sister, someone assaulted her at the doorway. He took all her money, purse, phone and jewelery. The cops speculated he followed her from the bank. They also said she was lucky he didn't kill her. They said the way the robber hit her head against the brick wall was more than likely cause he was trying to kill her. They brought some suspects they had in custody but none of them were the robber.
The paramedics examined her but didn't take her to the hospital. Then sometime later, either that night or the next, Violet passed out five times. Her sister called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. No internal injuries but the doctors told her she needed to eat, she's diabetic and she needs to quit her job and find a new one.
I agree that she needs to find a new job. She currently works for a payday loan company. She's in the office by herself most of the time. There is no security. There is also nothing between the customer and her when they are doing a loan. I've been in pawn shops and similar places. Many, not all though, have either a metal cage or a thick bullet proof glass. Her place has nothing. Recently someone who works for her company was murdered during a store robbery. It's not a good situation at all.
As much as a friend she is and as much as I care for her, I won't do anything for her anymore. I can't. If I want to keep my sanity and mental health in order I can't help her. I can listen and be a friend but not more than that. I can't give her money like I did to help her out of tight places. I can't offer her a place to live anymore.
I can't do all that stuff for her anymore. She never appreciated it in our time together as a couple. Only years later does she appreciate it but the ship has sailed.
I also can't do it because it's all part of moving on with my life that I've been working on with my therapist. It's all my idea but I'm talking and working it out with Terry.
So I can pray for Violet. I can be her friend. I can listen to her problems. I can do many things for her but I can't solve her problems for her anymore. She needs to learn how to stand on her own.
A few other topics on going with my life.
First, the move is still on target. While I still have my back up apartment on stand by, I've received some new places to look at. Some of them are down right bad ass and in the price range I want. Others are too small for the price. I can't make a decision until I see the places and the final rent but I'm still some what on the hunt. Even though I probably won't get a chance until the new year.
On the friend front, other than Violet's latest drama, everything else is pretty quiet. Not to say nothing is going on cause I'm sure something is happening. I just don't know about it.
Dee in Tampa has virtually disappeared. That's how she gets when she's seeing someone. She doesn't know how to take things slow. She goes all in. It's why she gets so crushed when things don't work out. At the same time, I'm glad she found someone else so she won't bother me anymore about us getting together. I'm still a little pissed but I shouldn't be.
On the work front everything is okay. The Jolly White Giant I hate so much is out sick again. He made it a few days before leaving in the middle of the shift on our last night. How convenient that he's sick during the holidays. I swear that son of a bitch doesn't know personal bounds. I've lashed out at him harshly when he crosses those bounds and will continue to do so.
So the goal last night at work was to make it through the end of the shift without someone calling in sick. This year I'm due to be off Christmas and New Years holidays. Someone always calls in on the shifts that are supposed to work. They have no conscience or regard for those of us who will be forced to work to fill in for them over the days we should have off. Sure enough, at 4:30 a.m. someone called in sick. Fortunately one of my coworkers figured out a schedule whereby no one has is forced to work any overtime. The on duty supervisor approved the improvised schedule and we got out of there without anyone else calling in sick.
I was going to volunteer to work some of the overtime just cause I wanted the money and holiday pay. It's about double time if I work on Christmas and Christmas Eve. As my off days approached I decided against it. I was finishing up a run of seven straight 12 hour night shifts. Enough is enough. I want to be off.
As for my Christmas celebrations, I plan none. It will be like any other day. I'll sleep late, make breakfast and piddle around the apartment. My mom asked me if I was coming over and I told her no. I told her don't plan on seeing me until sometime in February once I get my license back. I'm in no mood for flying or bus riding for the holidays. So each night I just light my ceremonial Hanukkah candles and that's it.
I'm sure there is more I can rant, rave, bitch and moan about but I think that's enough writing therapy for one day.
Up Yours,
The Pope
I was getting a bit pissed at her. I called her a couple of times since last week and she hadn't called back. That's usually a sign that something is wrong with her. I called her last night and told her to call me when she had time. What I didn't tell her is that I wasn't going to call her again. I get tired of her little games and only being a convenience to her.
Like a bad habit she comes back. This time with her latest tell of woe. Saturday after work she went to the bank and withdrew money for bills, her mom and Christmas gifts for her son. When she got home, she lives with her sister, someone assaulted her at the doorway. He took all her money, purse, phone and jewelery. The cops speculated he followed her from the bank. They also said she was lucky he didn't kill her. They said the way the robber hit her head against the brick wall was more than likely cause he was trying to kill her. They brought some suspects they had in custody but none of them were the robber.
The paramedics examined her but didn't take her to the hospital. Then sometime later, either that night or the next, Violet passed out five times. Her sister called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. No internal injuries but the doctors told her she needed to eat, she's diabetic and she needs to quit her job and find a new one.
I agree that she needs to find a new job. She currently works for a payday loan company. She's in the office by herself most of the time. There is no security. There is also nothing between the customer and her when they are doing a loan. I've been in pawn shops and similar places. Many, not all though, have either a metal cage or a thick bullet proof glass. Her place has nothing. Recently someone who works for her company was murdered during a store robbery. It's not a good situation at all.
As much as a friend she is and as much as I care for her, I won't do anything for her anymore. I can't. If I want to keep my sanity and mental health in order I can't help her. I can listen and be a friend but not more than that. I can't give her money like I did to help her out of tight places. I can't offer her a place to live anymore.
I can't do all that stuff for her anymore. She never appreciated it in our time together as a couple. Only years later does she appreciate it but the ship has sailed.
I also can't do it because it's all part of moving on with my life that I've been working on with my therapist. It's all my idea but I'm talking and working it out with Terry.
So I can pray for Violet. I can be her friend. I can listen to her problems. I can do many things for her but I can't solve her problems for her anymore. She needs to learn how to stand on her own.
A few other topics on going with my life.
First, the move is still on target. While I still have my back up apartment on stand by, I've received some new places to look at. Some of them are down right bad ass and in the price range I want. Others are too small for the price. I can't make a decision until I see the places and the final rent but I'm still some what on the hunt. Even though I probably won't get a chance until the new year.
On the friend front, other than Violet's latest drama, everything else is pretty quiet. Not to say nothing is going on cause I'm sure something is happening. I just don't know about it.
Dee in Tampa has virtually disappeared. That's how she gets when she's seeing someone. She doesn't know how to take things slow. She goes all in. It's why she gets so crushed when things don't work out. At the same time, I'm glad she found someone else so she won't bother me anymore about us getting together. I'm still a little pissed but I shouldn't be.
On the work front everything is okay. The Jolly White Giant I hate so much is out sick again. He made it a few days before leaving in the middle of the shift on our last night. How convenient that he's sick during the holidays. I swear that son of a bitch doesn't know personal bounds. I've lashed out at him harshly when he crosses those bounds and will continue to do so.
So the goal last night at work was to make it through the end of the shift without someone calling in sick. This year I'm due to be off Christmas and New Years holidays. Someone always calls in on the shifts that are supposed to work. They have no conscience or regard for those of us who will be forced to work to fill in for them over the days we should have off. Sure enough, at 4:30 a.m. someone called in sick. Fortunately one of my coworkers figured out a schedule whereby no one has is forced to work any overtime. The on duty supervisor approved the improvised schedule and we got out of there without anyone else calling in sick.
I was going to volunteer to work some of the overtime just cause I wanted the money and holiday pay. It's about double time if I work on Christmas and Christmas Eve. As my off days approached I decided against it. I was finishing up a run of seven straight 12 hour night shifts. Enough is enough. I want to be off.
As for my Christmas celebrations, I plan none. It will be like any other day. I'll sleep late, make breakfast and piddle around the apartment. My mom asked me if I was coming over and I told her no. I told her don't plan on seeing me until sometime in February once I get my license back. I'm in no mood for flying or bus riding for the holidays. So each night I just light my ceremonial Hanukkah candles and that's it.
I'm sure there is more I can rant, rave, bitch and moan about but I think that's enough writing therapy for one day.
Up Yours,
The Pope
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Up Yours, Christmas!
I really don't celebrate Christmas anymore. Hell, I don't celebrate many holidays anymore. Why? Cause they mean nothing to me. Christmas used to be a time for family and get togethers. I really don't care about those things anymore. My idea of spending time with my family is not going during the holidays. I just spend time with the immediate family and that's it.
I do the one obligatory family function once a year. That's it though. This year I didn't even do that. I'm glad I didn't either. The entire extended family started getting celebrating on a Tuesday and didn't end until Saturday. That's way to much family for me. And I know if I had been there I would have been sick of it by Wednesday and really pissed by Friday and a total pain in the ass by the big family get together on Saturday. I'm just not a very nice person sometimes.
A few people at work I've already told I don't celebrate Christmas anymore. When asked why I just say,"No reason. Just doesn't mean anything to me anymore." After my announcement, my coworker was saying something about Christmas. I looked at him and said,"Christmas. What is this holiday you speak of?" He lost it. He couldn't stop laughing.
So we get to the new transfer asshole again. He has for the most part back off me. I had to work with the dysfunctional new transfer. Company policy seems to dictate that if you are hurt outside or to sick to work outside, then the labs will take you. So what we get aren't exactly the prizes or cream of the employee crop.
I said how I lashed out at him when he followed me out on break and my mouth off to him. I did it again but not as vicious. After he said something about Christmas, I tell him,"Christmas. What is this holiday you speak of?" And he takes me serious. He tells me that it will take some time to explain. How about on a graveyard shift or on Sunday. I replied with no,"I do not celebrate Christmas. And I really don't want to hear about it." And turned and walked away.
I just can't behave it work.
I do the one obligatory family function once a year. That's it though. This year I didn't even do that. I'm glad I didn't either. The entire extended family started getting celebrating on a Tuesday and didn't end until Saturday. That's way to much family for me. And I know if I had been there I would have been sick of it by Wednesday and really pissed by Friday and a total pain in the ass by the big family get together on Saturday. I'm just not a very nice person sometimes.
A few people at work I've already told I don't celebrate Christmas anymore. When asked why I just say,"No reason. Just doesn't mean anything to me anymore." After my announcement, my coworker was saying something about Christmas. I looked at him and said,"Christmas. What is this holiday you speak of?" He lost it. He couldn't stop laughing.
So we get to the new transfer asshole again. He has for the most part back off me. I had to work with the dysfunctional new transfer. Company policy seems to dictate that if you are hurt outside or to sick to work outside, then the labs will take you. So what we get aren't exactly the prizes or cream of the employee crop.
I said how I lashed out at him when he followed me out on break and my mouth off to him. I did it again but not as vicious. After he said something about Christmas, I tell him,"Christmas. What is this holiday you speak of?" And he takes me serious. He tells me that it will take some time to explain. How about on a graveyard shift or on Sunday. I replied with no,"I do not celebrate Christmas. And I really don't want to hear about it." And turned and walked away.
I just can't behave it work.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Just a little update on my life and a small tale
Yesterday Violet came by and took me to the new place I'm going to move to. It was raining like Hoover Dam just busted. I wanted to put in an application and put whatever fees required for the apartment. I'm a few weeks to early. The require sixty notice and will have an idea of what's available in February by the end of this month. Great. I have enough difficulty getting someone to take me. Fortunately the salesman told me I can do the whole process online. I can even check daily for updated availability of apartments. How cool is that? I really shouldn't be amazed about what you can do on the internet but I still am sometimes.
After that we went to lunch at one of my favorite places. My mind kept drifting back to Rebecca. I don't want to get back with her. It's just that I got so used to having her around the four years we were together. In spite of the way things ended, I still miss being around her. We really did have great times together. I think I miss the companionship more than anything. It's frustrating at times. It didn't help that me and Violet were having lunch at a place me and Rebecca always used to hang out and eat at.
The other thing I don't understand about Rebecca is her hanging around with the guy she dated before me. This guy is pretty much worthless. I don't know if they are back together and I really don't care. I just bugs me cause I was 200 times better than this idiot. She tell me as much too. She calls her ex a "fucking idiot" and "fucking moron" with "fucking moron" her favorite. Let me just put it this way. He's a lawyer who that disbarred for stealing clients money. The way I understand it is he'll never be able to practice law again.
I got off track there. In some ways me and Rebecca are to much alike. We are both some what of loners. We both have a small circle of friends and don't stray to far beyond it. I know she's dated since we broke up and later I find out while we were together. So I know she meets people. And like me these things don't last long. I have these little flings that are pretty worthless and a waste of time. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Like I say, I do miss her and the companionship but I also remember that this relationship ended abruptly, fell over a cliff and smashed on the rocks below.
A Tale of Rebecca, Violet and Sophia
I don't know where this came from but it's been on my mind the last few days. I think it's a sign that a) I'm bored b) I'm lonely and c) I'm getting antsy about getting mobile again.
Rollback to around August or September of 2006. I'm just bored watching TV and more than likely drinking. My cell phone rings and I don't recognized the number. I answer and it's a voice from the past. Violet. I hadn't heard from her in at least three years. I'm in the midst of one of my depressions. I think I was getting suspicions of Rebecca running around but I didn't want to face up to the issue just yet. You know, if you ignore it then it can't be happening or it will go away. This is one of my bad depressions where I'm pretty much incapacitated. I can't eat, sleep and when I'm off from work I won't go anywhere. I'm pretty useless.
Well about a month into her call from beyond, Violet starts asking me to go visit her. I'm so depressed that I tell her I'm in no mood for it. She's insisting and insisting. I tell her no. She finally comes out with it. She says do I know why she's calling me and wants to see me? I haven't a clue. She insists do you really not know? I tell her I'm in no mood for this. Spit it out or leave me alone. She tells me she wants to get back together. This is really what I need. I told her you know I'm with Rebecca. She says yes. I could be knocked over with a feather. She says to take my time and think about it. I do. I think over night. I call the next day and tell her no. I can't do it. Anyway, she wants me to still go visit. I go, fuck her and come home a happy man. No regrets about fucking her, no guilt associated with the deed. Why? I'll get to that later.
Fast forward to March 2007. It's all in a haze of when I first met Sophia. I think it was in December of 2006. I'm pretty sure it was. Anyway about March 2007 I'm really starting to hang around with her a lot. Of course, Rebecca doesn't know any of this. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm really starting to fall for Sophia. We made out and mess around a lot but never had sex. Yes I have seen every body part of hers. Then the guilt and depression sets in.
One day several months later, I think before my August 2007 DWI fall or maybe after, I told Dee about this whole scenario. All I remember for sure is that it was before her August 2008 confession. She asked me why the guilt feelings with Sophia but not Violet. I told her that's easy. I can be cold and heartless sometimes. I knew I wasn't going to end up with Violet and I could have sex with her and not have the guilt feelings. With Sophia, on the other hand, I had genuine feelings. I could have left Rebecca for her. It caused mass confusion and depression soon followed by guilt. Had I not had genuine feelings for Sophia then I wouldn't give two flips about fucking her or messing around with her.
So anyway, that's just a little tale I thought I'd probably rehash for no other reason than I've been going over it in my mind lately.
Oy vey (Yeah, I know it's not a latin or Pope expression but Jews are God's children too),
PJP3
After that we went to lunch at one of my favorite places. My mind kept drifting back to Rebecca. I don't want to get back with her. It's just that I got so used to having her around the four years we were together. In spite of the way things ended, I still miss being around her. We really did have great times together. I think I miss the companionship more than anything. It's frustrating at times. It didn't help that me and Violet were having lunch at a place me and Rebecca always used to hang out and eat at.
The other thing I don't understand about Rebecca is her hanging around with the guy she dated before me. This guy is pretty much worthless. I don't know if they are back together and I really don't care. I just bugs me cause I was 200 times better than this idiot. She tell me as much too. She calls her ex a "fucking idiot" and "fucking moron" with "fucking moron" her favorite. Let me just put it this way. He's a lawyer who that disbarred for stealing clients money. The way I understand it is he'll never be able to practice law again.
I got off track there. In some ways me and Rebecca are to much alike. We are both some what of loners. We both have a small circle of friends and don't stray to far beyond it. I know she's dated since we broke up and later I find out while we were together. So I know she meets people. And like me these things don't last long. I have these little flings that are pretty worthless and a waste of time. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Like I say, I do miss her and the companionship but I also remember that this relationship ended abruptly, fell over a cliff and smashed on the rocks below.
A Tale of Rebecca, Violet and Sophia
I don't know where this came from but it's been on my mind the last few days. I think it's a sign that a) I'm bored b) I'm lonely and c) I'm getting antsy about getting mobile again.
Rollback to around August or September of 2006. I'm just bored watching TV and more than likely drinking. My cell phone rings and I don't recognized the number. I answer and it's a voice from the past. Violet. I hadn't heard from her in at least three years. I'm in the midst of one of my depressions. I think I was getting suspicions of Rebecca running around but I didn't want to face up to the issue just yet. You know, if you ignore it then it can't be happening or it will go away. This is one of my bad depressions where I'm pretty much incapacitated. I can't eat, sleep and when I'm off from work I won't go anywhere. I'm pretty useless.
Well about a month into her call from beyond, Violet starts asking me to go visit her. I'm so depressed that I tell her I'm in no mood for it. She's insisting and insisting. I tell her no. She finally comes out with it. She says do I know why she's calling me and wants to see me? I haven't a clue. She insists do you really not know? I tell her I'm in no mood for this. Spit it out or leave me alone. She tells me she wants to get back together. This is really what I need. I told her you know I'm with Rebecca. She says yes. I could be knocked over with a feather. She says to take my time and think about it. I do. I think over night. I call the next day and tell her no. I can't do it. Anyway, she wants me to still go visit. I go, fuck her and come home a happy man. No regrets about fucking her, no guilt associated with the deed. Why? I'll get to that later.
Fast forward to March 2007. It's all in a haze of when I first met Sophia. I think it was in December of 2006. I'm pretty sure it was. Anyway about March 2007 I'm really starting to hang around with her a lot. Of course, Rebecca doesn't know any of this. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm really starting to fall for Sophia. We made out and mess around a lot but never had sex. Yes I have seen every body part of hers. Then the guilt and depression sets in.
One day several months later, I think before my August 2007 DWI fall or maybe after, I told Dee about this whole scenario. All I remember for sure is that it was before her August 2008 confession. She asked me why the guilt feelings with Sophia but not Violet. I told her that's easy. I can be cold and heartless sometimes. I knew I wasn't going to end up with Violet and I could have sex with her and not have the guilt feelings. With Sophia, on the other hand, I had genuine feelings. I could have left Rebecca for her. It caused mass confusion and depression soon followed by guilt. Had I not had genuine feelings for Sophia then I wouldn't give two flips about fucking her or messing around with her.
So anyway, that's just a little tale I thought I'd probably rehash for no other reason than I've been going over it in my mind lately.
Oy vey (Yeah, I know it's not a latin or Pope expression but Jews are God's children too),
PJP3
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Terry Therapy Sessions XII
Nothing ground breaking as usual. Most of the therapy session was reinforcing what I've accomplished in staying sober.
I like the way our sessions start. More of a bullshit session for about the first ten minutes or so.
Then we got into the session. She asked me if I went home for Thanksgiving. No, I had to work. She asked me if any drama from my brother's wife. None that I heard of.
She then asked me about any urges about drinking. I told her I did have the thoughts when I'm at football games. But the thoughts pass right away. I tell myself what the hell am I thinking? I then put the thought out of my head and continue to enjoy the games. She said that I was developing the right thought processes to help keep myself sober.
Then the topic of AA came up. I told her, which is true, that I attend about three or four meetings a month. I'm supposed to go to two a week but AA just isn't for me. We discussed how AA can be a tool for me but I don't have to immerse myself in the 12 steps. If what I'm doing is working for me then that's good enough.
I told her about the meeting I like to go to when I'm in Houston. It's great. It's at a rehab place and it's predominately black. Sometimes the meetings turn more into a Christian revival atmosphere. People yell out,"Tell it, brother" or "Yessir, that's the way it is" and other similar phrases. Once I get my license back I plan on attending those meetings but it won't be my home group. I told her I'm looking for a new group because the local one where I'm at isn't really worth a flip.
She says, and I've heard and agree with, that it is important to find a home group where I fit in and works with my personality. That doesn't mean I have to be locked into that group. Instead it will serve as a base in case I really do find myself on the brink. I can go to people in my own home group and trust them since I've come to know them. Also to make friends that I can interact socially with and not have to worry about drinking.
She also said,"Who knows? Maybe you'll meet the love of your life in a group. Someone who is sober and strong and has walked the path that you have." The thought has crossed my mind. It would be something if I could find someone who has been sober a significant amount of time and a relationship develops. No I'm not giving up on Sophia just yet.
I then started talking about my plans once I get my drivers license back. Number one on the list is getting the hell away from this crappy shit hole of a city that I live in. No one has had the time to take me looking for apartments so I'm going to have to move to my back up place. Terry asked if I was just settling or was it a place I liked. I told her it was where I was going to move initially before I got my DWI charge.
Also touched on how I'm trying to improve my health that I've neglected all the years I've been drinking. I said I'm going to be 40 and need to start taking care of myself. I have the mental aspect down with the medications that help with my depression. I haven't had an episode since June. I'm now going after the physical aspects. My cholesterol count was high for the third year in a row. Diet hadn't been getting it done so the doctor finally relented and put me on medication to bring it down. Next is my dental health. I had started working on my teeth back in 2006 but let it go to the wayside. I finally went back and had one root canal done and will be getting the invisaline mouth piece to straighten my upper teeth. Then after the year that will take I will start working on fixing my chipped teeth from long ago drunken dancing fall.
I told Terry that come February 15, 2009 I'm putting it all behind me. The drinking, the bad relationships, the shithole place I live in and just starting the new chapter in my life. She laughed as said it was a great attitude to have. Moving on and leaving the garbage behind along with taking physical care of myself was a great way to view the future. I told her part of it was self esteem issues. So by taking care of not only my mental put appearance to it is helping with the self image.
Finally we touched on one more subject. My new coworker whom I cannot stand. I'm not going to delve to deep into the subject. Suffice it to say he knows no personal boundaries and doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. He asks to many personal questions and tell to much of his personal life and marital problems. It's just highly inappropriate since his wife is a supervisor out there and I know her. I really don't need to know this. Well, I told Terry that I finally got really sick of him and lashed out with a very ugly joke. He didn't take to it well. To be honest, it didn't bother me what I said. Put in the same situation I'd probably do it again. What I asked Terry is why do I lash out like that? She really didn't have an answer. She did say that I was correct in telling him to back off but I need to find more civil ways of handling those situations. Next time just tell him,"Look man, back off. Your crossing lines I don't want to discuss. You invading my personal space." To be firm and state my exact position on his intrusions. I'll try but I can't promise anything.
Until Next time.....Semper Fidelis (I know it's not a Pope thing but it's Latin and that's close enough for me...)
Signing off from a Shithole city in Texas,
Pope John Paul III
I like the way our sessions start. More of a bullshit session for about the first ten minutes or so.
Then we got into the session. She asked me if I went home for Thanksgiving. No, I had to work. She asked me if any drama from my brother's wife. None that I heard of.
She then asked me about any urges about drinking. I told her I did have the thoughts when I'm at football games. But the thoughts pass right away. I tell myself what the hell am I thinking? I then put the thought out of my head and continue to enjoy the games. She said that I was developing the right thought processes to help keep myself sober.
Then the topic of AA came up. I told her, which is true, that I attend about three or four meetings a month. I'm supposed to go to two a week but AA just isn't for me. We discussed how AA can be a tool for me but I don't have to immerse myself in the 12 steps. If what I'm doing is working for me then that's good enough.
I told her about the meeting I like to go to when I'm in Houston. It's great. It's at a rehab place and it's predominately black. Sometimes the meetings turn more into a Christian revival atmosphere. People yell out,"Tell it, brother" or "Yessir, that's the way it is" and other similar phrases. Once I get my license back I plan on attending those meetings but it won't be my home group. I told her I'm looking for a new group because the local one where I'm at isn't really worth a flip.
She says, and I've heard and agree with, that it is important to find a home group where I fit in and works with my personality. That doesn't mean I have to be locked into that group. Instead it will serve as a base in case I really do find myself on the brink. I can go to people in my own home group and trust them since I've come to know them. Also to make friends that I can interact socially with and not have to worry about drinking.
She also said,"Who knows? Maybe you'll meet the love of your life in a group. Someone who is sober and strong and has walked the path that you have." The thought has crossed my mind. It would be something if I could find someone who has been sober a significant amount of time and a relationship develops. No I'm not giving up on Sophia just yet.
I then started talking about my plans once I get my drivers license back. Number one on the list is getting the hell away from this crappy shit hole of a city that I live in. No one has had the time to take me looking for apartments so I'm going to have to move to my back up place. Terry asked if I was just settling or was it a place I liked. I told her it was where I was going to move initially before I got my DWI charge.
Also touched on how I'm trying to improve my health that I've neglected all the years I've been drinking. I said I'm going to be 40 and need to start taking care of myself. I have the mental aspect down with the medications that help with my depression. I haven't had an episode since June. I'm now going after the physical aspects. My cholesterol count was high for the third year in a row. Diet hadn't been getting it done so the doctor finally relented and put me on medication to bring it down. Next is my dental health. I had started working on my teeth back in 2006 but let it go to the wayside. I finally went back and had one root canal done and will be getting the invisaline mouth piece to straighten my upper teeth. Then after the year that will take I will start working on fixing my chipped teeth from long ago drunken dancing fall.
I told Terry that come February 15, 2009 I'm putting it all behind me. The drinking, the bad relationships, the shithole place I live in and just starting the new chapter in my life. She laughed as said it was a great attitude to have. Moving on and leaving the garbage behind along with taking physical care of myself was a great way to view the future. I told her part of it was self esteem issues. So by taking care of not only my mental put appearance to it is helping with the self image.
Finally we touched on one more subject. My new coworker whom I cannot stand. I'm not going to delve to deep into the subject. Suffice it to say he knows no personal boundaries and doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. He asks to many personal questions and tell to much of his personal life and marital problems. It's just highly inappropriate since his wife is a supervisor out there and I know her. I really don't need to know this. Well, I told Terry that I finally got really sick of him and lashed out with a very ugly joke. He didn't take to it well. To be honest, it didn't bother me what I said. Put in the same situation I'd probably do it again. What I asked Terry is why do I lash out like that? She really didn't have an answer. She did say that I was correct in telling him to back off but I need to find more civil ways of handling those situations. Next time just tell him,"Look man, back off. Your crossing lines I don't want to discuss. You invading my personal space." To be firm and state my exact position on his intrusions. I'll try but I can't promise anything.
Until Next time.....Semper Fidelis (I know it's not a Pope thing but it's Latin and that's close enough for me...)
Signing off from a Shithole city in Texas,
Pope John Paul III
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