Evidently work changed their mind. I have to see a counselor next week and I can't return to work until then. I really need to get back though cause I'm at half pay and I just want to put this whole thing behind me and move on. Sucks.

Finally, Back to Work

What a bunch of dildos and douche bags I work for. They sent me home last week because they said I needed to see one of the company doctors and none were available. So I have the fear of God in me cause the nurse said he was going to ask me all kinds of questions about what kind of treatment I had. I was reading company literature and they are within their rights to require me to go to more treatment and put conditions on my employment. So here I was thinking that my company was going to weigh me down with more conditions that the judge.

I'm dreading the visit this morning. I'm nervous and my stomach is upset. The hot buffalo wings I ate yesterday are raising hell in my digestive tract. The urge to take a shit is building up and I feel an explosion coming. I'm a ticking time bomb.

The nurse calls me in. She looks at my paper work and goes and gets the doctor. He comes in, shakes my hand and says I'm released to return to work. That's it. I'm glad to get back but at the same time I'm pissed that they make such a big fucking deal out of nothing and keep me waiting an extra week.

Fuckers.

Violet MIA, Snakes in a Dream

I'm concerned about Violet. I've called her at work and she hasn't been in. Her coworker answers and just tells me she's not in. She disconnected her cell phone a month ago. I have no other way to get in touch with her. She was supposed to go see her doctor about her depression. I haven't seen her this depressed in a long time. She also has a history of walking off her jobs so I'm hoping she has done this again. I can't help her. I won't help her. Fuck, I wish I knew what the hell was going on with her.

Moving on, two nights ago I had a really fucking weird dream. I dreamed I was surrounded by snakes. Not just any ordinary snakes but rattlesnakes of all sizes. I'm not sure where I was. I was surrounded by darkness. The only thing I could see clearly was the snakes. They didn't notice me at all. I was walking along a path the was free of snakes. They didn't cross the path either. They were moving all around and slithering all over each other. I remember asking if rattlesnakes swarm like that. I disembodied voice answered me that they do. The only other thing I remember is someone picked up a snake and milked it for its venom. Sometimes I can recall more of a dream later in the day. Not this time. I have no idea what else happened.

I talked to my lawyer on Thursday about the possibility of getting an occupational license. He doesn't handle those cases himself anymore due to his caseload. He's going to talk to the lawyer that does and see if he can pull it off. One thing I give lawyers credit for is that if there's a loophole the will find it. He told me he won't go to the judge that heard my case to try to get the license. If that doesn't work he told me sometimes they go to one a court in one of the surrounding counties. What ever it takes. If I get one, I don't care how it's done.

I also received more good news about my license suspensions. In most states there are two aspects to a DWI/DUI suspension. An administrative and a criminal aspect. The administrative deals with suspensions due to a) a driver refusing to a chemical sobriety test or b) failing the sobriety with, in most cases, a blood alcohol level above .08. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If you consent you can lose your license. If you don't you can lose your license for an even longer period. I refused and at the hearing the judge ruled for a two year suspension. I received a letter from DPS telling me it was for six months. My lawyer told me that was a form letter and most likely I would receive a letter later stating the two year period. I never got one so I called DPS and the clerk told me it was for six months. Thank God for that cause it would really suck to be confined to my apartment for two years. So come February I'll fucking be clear and free from all legal restraints.

Well Hell

I had to be checked in and release for work by one of the company doctors since I was out for alcohol abuse. Unfortunately the doctors weren't in the medical department today. And the won't return until Monday so I have to wait until then to get my clearance. Initially the diagnosis was major depressive disorder. When my shrink faxed over my records and notes the medical department changed my diagnosis to alcohol abuse. Since that's the case, I have talk to one of the company doctors. I hope they leave well enough alone and don't make me attend any more outpatient treatments. I'm fine. I just want to get on with my life. It's just a little bump on the road. I'll get back on track next week.

Take it eazy sleazy,
Da' Pontificus Maximus

Today's the Day

Today's the day I go back to work. I'm feeling excited and I'm feeling nervous. I know once I get my routine going again I'll be ok.

I said a prayer of thanks this morning. I thanked God for allowing me to get to this point. Thanks for getting my life back on track.

Back to work this week

My doctor cleared me to return to work this week. I'm a bit nervous. I wonder if medical will ask if I have a drinking problem. They know about the three DWIs. The official reason I'm out is "major depressive disorder." So I'm hoping medical will leave it at that and not require any rehab or AA or some more bullshit.

The other thing that I'm anxious about is people asking me questions. I'll be riding in with a coworker and I'm sure people will figure out what happened. People are nosy and will still ask even though it's none of their fucking business.

Last week I officially completed the class requirements of my probation. The only thing I have to do is attend two AA meetings a week and stay out of trouble. It's all downhill from now until next February.

I think I'll go back to work for a month or so and then take a few days off to go visit my family. I haven't seen them since Christmas. I'd like to see my nephews and my best friend Binks.

I don't think me and Binks will be able to take our annual fishing trip to Lake Corpus Christi. I love going out there but I can't drive. Without a car there is no way to haul my fishing equipment to the lake. I suggested to Binks that he come visit me and we could hit one of the lakes around here. That way he could bring his truck with his equipment and load up my stuff and problem solved. I hope he goes for that.

I haven't been able to talk to Violet lately. I want to know how her doctor's appointment went. She told me the last time she went and said she was depressed the doctor told her that she wasn't. Violet said that if the doc doesn't give her antidepressants that she will find another doctor. I told her she should. She is in a bad depression right now and she needs help. She tried to kill herself four years ago. I think it's totally irresponsible for the doctor to not diagnose the depression. The signs are obvious.

Rebecca called me last week to see if I was okay. She got a collect call at her store from a correctional facility. They hung up before she could accept the charges. So she called me to make sure I hadn't gotten in anymore trouble. She knew it wasn't me but she had to check anyway. I don't know quiet how to take it. I guess it's good that she's concerned about me. But why am I the first person she thinks of when she gets a call from a prison?

My place is still a mess. I had all this time to clean up and I didn't. I started a little bit yesterday. I really have to start with throwing out all the magazines I've read. Then start boxing up the Playboys. I'm not getting rid of those. Hey that's quality stuff man. I think if I do a little bit here and there it will eventually get clean.

Well I'm just going to sit around and wait for my supervisor to call today. If I don't hear from her by this afternoon I'll call again. I hope she lets me return to my own crew and doesn't have me take care all the stuff I'm behind on using overtime.

I had been toying around with starting another website. Nothing special. Just something to do and post things I find interesting. I started two blogs besides this one. One is a general topic one and the other a sports blog. In order to preserve my anonymity on this blog though I can't link to them. This blog is my journal and I don't want my friends and family reading what I say about them.

Just to touch on the subject of returning to work once more. Despite my nervousness about returning, I also view it as the next big step in getting my life back to normal. I'm sober. I've come out of any depression. I've put my legal problems behind me. This is just the next step in my recovery.

Well that's all I have for now. I got to meet with Pope Benedict before he leaves.

Take care,
Pope JPTHREE

Back to work, prick cops, friend update

My last few posts have been pretty moody to say the least. I'm have cabin fever since the worst is over and I've completed all the requirements of my probation. I just can't drive for the next nine months.

I went to my shrink on Monday and she released me to go back to work. I told her I was ready to. If she didn't I was going to ask her to release me. I have no reason anymore to stay home. I need to get my life moving forward again.

My shrink asked me if I had any cravings for drinking. I told her cravings no but I did admit that I thought about it. I told her that I have thoughts about drinking. Like the other night I was watching TV and I thought how nice it would be just to relax and have a beer. I still do. As far as cravings go, I don't have them.

That last post of mine was pretty deep. I've had that circling around in my head forever and I needed to get it off my chest. It's all true. Suicide was a very real consideration for me. It's all gone now.

While on my sabbatical, I promised myself I would do two things. First I would clean up my place and second I would catch up on my reading and the piles of burned DVDs I have. I accomplished none of the above. In fact my place has turned into a bigger mess. I really need to do something about it though. Eventually.

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I've written how I don't like cops and I think most of them are psycho to some degree or are just down right assholes. My DWI arrests have nothing to do with my opinion. My encounter last week just added to my low opinion of cops. William and I were going to dinner last week. He put his signal on, started to change lanes but pulled back into his lane when he noticed another car in the lane. The car pulled behind us and there go the police lights. Will pulled into a closed business parking lot.

The cop walks up to the window with an attitude and asks Will,"So do you always try to crash while changing lanes?"

Will replied,"Sir, I didn't see you. I put my blinker on before I started to change lanes, then I saw you and pulled back into my lane before I hit you."

"So you think putting your blinker on gives you the right to change lanes?"

"No sir. I'm just stating that I put my blinker on and I didn't see you. I had no intention of hitting you."

"So your blinker excuses you from trying to hit me?"

"No. I'm saying I didn't see you."

"Do you like to have wrecks?"

"No."

The cop then asks for license and proof of insurance. He continues to grill Will with the same line of questions while Will digs through the glove compartment looking for the insurance card. The cop gets angry and tells Will to look at him while answering his questions.

After he runs the license he comes back with more stupidity.

"Do you want to haves a wreck?"

"No."

"If you would have hit me we would have to call the crash investigators. We would have been out here for at least three hours. You want to be out here for three hours?"

"No."

"Me either. If you would have hit me we would have though. You know a car is a three thousand pound machine. If you can't drive it right then you should let someone else drive."

The only good thing is that the asshole cop didn't give Will a ticket.

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Not much updates on my friends. Rebecca called me yesterday to see if I was okay. I said yes. She said she got a collect call from a correctional facility at her store but they hung up before she could accept charges. She said of course she new I was okay. She didn't say it but she wanted to make sure it wasn't me calling from jail. Nice to know I'm the first person she thinks of when she gets a call from a prison or jail.

Violet is already fighting with her new boyfriend. She's in a deep depression. So bad that she doesn't want to see or deal with anyone. He went to her place and she didn't want to see him. He came to her job and started asking what was her problem. She said she was in a bad depression. He doesn't believe her. He told her he thinks she has someone else. She told me she can't believe he's acting like this already with her. She says he's a nice guy and she likes him but doesn't know if she can deal with him right now with he depression and if he's going to be acting like this. I told you my over/under for this relationship is three months.

Goodnight and remember as Pope I pray you remember my first miracle. I cured a ham.

Pope JPTHREE

The Final Cut

I've come along way since my DWI arrest. Those day, weeks and months were the worse of my life. I was staring down an abyss. I was so afraid. I cried. I prayed. I went to AA. I went to church. I couldn't work. I just couldn't cope.

I'm happy to say I'm passed all that. I'm going to live. I'm going back to work. I have the love and support of my friends and family. I will be okay.

When this all started I was at wits end. I didn't know how to cope or deal with any of this. The first place I went was to AA. That helped some but not much. I saw my shrink and told her what was happening. After I hired a lawyer, he sent me to a substance abuse doctor. This doctor recommended that I go to inpatient therapy. When I went for my evaluation to the rehab place they said I didn't need inpatient. The counselor said I needed intensive outpatient therapy (IOP). When I went to the IOP center, they reevaluated me again.

I bring the shrink, the substance abuse doctor and the other evaluations for one reason. They all asked similar questions in making their evaluations. My answers were all honest except to one question. "Have you ever had thoughts of suicide or attempted suicide?" I answered "no" to it. The reason I lied is cause they all have some legal obligation to report me to authorities in order that I get the appropriate help. I sat there and lied. Yes I thought about suicide. Yes I attempted suicide.

"Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut"
from the song The Final Cut by Pink Floyd

I admitted it to a few friends but some only took it as if I thought about it. I think I only told one person about how I tried it.

The thoughts were there. I thought about putting a rope around my neck and hanging myself. I thought about parking my car on the bridge I was arrested and jumping off. I thought about running my car into something at a high speed. I thought about putting a blade to my wrist and cutting.

Then one day I came close to doing it. I was in bed crying and alone with my thoughts. I tried to pray. I tried to sleep. I couldn't calm myself down. I didn't want to call anyone. I let my mind run with my thoughts. I saw no way out. I didn't want to deal with my problems anymore. I felt that everything overwhelmed me. I wanted out.

The desperation overcame me. I thought,"Fuck it." I didn't care anymore. I didn't care who or when they would find me. I just didn't feel it was worth living anymore. I jumped out of bed and I went to the kitchen. I opened a drawer and pulled out a large knife. Tears were falling down my eyes. I put the blade to my wrists. I hesitated. I pulled up my shirt and put the blade into my stomach. I felt the steel against my skin but I couldn't push. I put the blade again to my wrist. I tried to cut. I wanted to so bad. I put a scratch on my left wrist but I couldn't make it go deeper. I put the knife back into the drawer. I went to bed crying. I couldn't do it.

Days later I viewed myself as a coward. I was a coward for not killing myself. I admitted my attempt to my friend. I told Dee about it. I fucking cried like a baby. I cried hard. I told her how I felt like such a coward for not being able to do it. Despite all my feelings I just couldn't do it and I was weak and worthless for it. She told me just the opposite. She told me it was the coward's way out. It was the easy way out and that it wasn't the answer. I argued with her that I knew it wasn't the answer but I also felt ashamed that I couldn't do it.

That was my darkest hour. I actually wanted to die by my own hand. Then like the quote above: "I never had the nerve to make the final cut."

Things are going to be okay.

No Point

I don't really have anything specific to write about tonight. Nothing has changed since my last post.

Well that's not entirely true. My friend Dee canceled her trip to visit me. That blows cause I could have used the week of companionship and sex. She was recently diagnosed with an ailment. While they try to get her medication she can't leave home. She hasn't even gone to work lately. She'll be fine but they need to get it under control with medication first.

Violet told me she's started a relationship with the guy she's been seeing. By that I guess she means that he's her boyfriend now. Good luck to them both. I'm know her well and I'm placing the over/under at three months. I'll spell it out. She's my friend and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. In fact I hope this works out for her. That said, she's fucking nuts and doesn't know how to be happy. Like every other relationship she's been in she will find a way to mess it up.

Other than that things have been pretty quiet. I'm looking forward to going back to work in a couple of weeks. I need something to help me kill time until this damn probation ends. I know my coworkers are going to ask me how I've been and some will even try to pry more information out of me. Like a one coworker told me,"Fuck them!" It's none of their business and I just need to get through it.

Counting down 10 months, 9 days, 1 hour, 15 minutes left on probation.

See you soon.
The Pontiff