I'm thinking more about my drinking the last few days. Something is missing in my life. I can't put my finger on it. I found something I wrote over a year ago in a notebook. It was horrible. I was in a really depressed state. I wasn't happy. I was down about everything. Nothing happened to bring me down. I was just down. I wrote about my unhappiness with my relationship with Rebecca. I wrote about feeling lonely. I wrote about eight pages. On the last pages were my thoughts on my drinking.

Looking back on what I wrote then and how I was feeling before my arrest, nothing changed. It's like I was stuck in some emotional vacuum. I was hurting and depressed. What I couldn't figure out then and can't figure out now is why I felt that way. Even today I feel that something is missing.

The smoke and damage caused by my arrest is starting to clear up. I got arrested, I was convicted of third DWI and I'm almost done with my probation requirements. I'll be going back to work soon. I'll still be on probation until next year the worst is over. So that leaves me back to where I was pre-arrest.

The arrest, conviction and probation turn out to be a major detour in my life but a detour none the less. What I'm starting to realize is that despite all that I'm right back to square one. Those feelings of loneliness and depression are starting to come back. It's compounded by the fact that I can't drive.

The only thing eliminated so far is the drinking. Whatever issues I had before hand are still here. Drinking was just a manifestation of whatever is bothering me. I drank to forget. I drank to numb myself. I drank when I was happy. I drank when I was sad. I thought I was having fun sometimes. Now that the drink is gone I'm left with all those emotions and feelings. I couldn't deal with those emotions in the first place and now I'm still don't know how to deal with them. Drinking was my escape. I don't have that crutch anymore.

I guess I could keep writing about my frustration, anger and depression. I don't see the point. That's all I have for now.....
The Pontiff