Alcoholism

One subject I haven't touched too much on is what got me here in the first place. My alcoholism. It's not an easy subject to write about. For one, who really wants to admit they have a problem? Admitting to a problem implies that one has a weakness. We all like to think we are on the top of our game and can handle our lives. I've known for a long time that I've had a drinking problem. I would admit to myself every day AFTER I woke up after of a night of drinking. I'd say to myself,"Pope, you need to slow down. You are out of control again." No matter how bad I'd get, I'd remind myself to slow down. The problem is I wouldn't. In spite of my admissions to myself, I'd not do a thing about it.

I thought about on what I should about it. I thought about going back to AA. I thought about going to medical at work and seeking help. I thought about seeking help from my doctor. I thought about going to the judge that gave me my previous DWI convictions and seeking his advice. I thought about going to a coworker of mine who is in AA and confiding in him. I thought of just going cold turkey on my own. I thought about only drinking at home. I thought and I thought. And I thought some more. In action I did nothing.

Doing nothing cost me. I even forewarned myself that this is where I was going to end up. It did me no good.

I've written before about talks me and Rebecca had about our drinking problems. We admitted to each other that we had problems with drinking and controlling ourselves. I knew she was an enabler. She was my enabler and I was hers. We even had one more discussion about drinking a week before I was arrested. We talked about what kept us grounded at times when we looked for a reason to control ourselves. She told me her ground is her daughter. She fears losing her daughter or any action that would cause her daughter harm. I told her my only grounding is my mother. I told Rebecca that the only reason I had slowed down is cause I was going to take care of my mother after her surgery. Still I put my selfishness before that and went out drinking.

One thing I've left out is that I haven't been working since all this went down. I took the time off for vacation and my mom before the arrest. I worked maybe two or three weeks before I took time off on medical leave.

In my time off I've thought about what lead me here. I thought about my alcoholism. I'm not happy where I'm at. Basically I'm not happy about where my drinking has lead me. In my time off from work I've given many thoughts to where my life should be in the future. Just cause I thought about it doesn't mean I've come to any decisions.

One big question I've been asked and asked myself: Will I ever drink again? I'll be honest. Like everything I asked myself, I don't fucking know. I really don't know. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about having a drink again. Some times when I've been up late watching TV I've wished I had few beers. Then I think what good would it do me? I've also been asked will I drink again after I'm off probation? Is probation the only thing keeping me off alcohol? The answer to that in short is Yes, I'm not drinking cause I'm on probation. The fear also is still fresh in my mind of being arrested and going to court. In two years what will be my attitudes of drinking? Will I still be clean and sober? Will I just drink at home? I'll answer that when it comes to that. If I don't want to ever go through this shit again I know I better never fucking ever get behind the wheel after I've been drinking. Like my lawyer said, he can save me from a third offense but a fourth offense and I'm getting locked away.

The answer for now is simple. I'm going to ride this out and finish my probation. I'm going back to work soon. I'm going to stay clean and sober. I'm going to get through this. Once it's all over I'm moving. I need to get away from where I'm at. The loneliness is unbearable. I need to move back to civilization and be near my friends again. I stayed out here too long. The convenience of being close to work and not commuting isn't worth the isolation. With the end of my relationship with Rebecca I have no ties to the area anymore. Get this probation over and get the hell out of Dodge.