The Terry Therapy Session II

From session on June 12, 2008
Normally I blog from work but I put a stop to that. I don't need work to know all the Pope's business. In a new topic in my blog, I decided to include the notes I take for myself after I have a session with my therapist. Her name is Teresa so I'm calling notes The Terry Therapy Sessions. Novel huh?

While I usually write things down after a session, I didn't last time because nothing significant came out of it. Thursday's session was a better session.

One of the things we are looking at is my relationships with women or lack of one. She asked why me and Rebecca broke up. I told her I caught her cheating. Besides Rebecca being my enabler why did I stay with her? Was I thinking marriage? I was at some point but then I felt things were getting stale. All we did was drink, go out to eat and just hang out. Also I told her I wasn't going to leave. Rebecca was the one who was going to end the relationship.

She also delved into two of my previous relationships. She asked me why did me and Christina break up. We just never fell in love and decided to move on after a year. She asked about Rosa. I told her honestly I didn't know. That was years ago. She even predated the Violet years.

She asked me if drinking was a problem in those relationships. Not with Christina but there were a few occasions in which Rosa was upset with my drinking. It did cause a few problems with us. We always had a good time and Rosa thought the world of me. I thought the world of her too but sometimes things are just not meant to be. Me and Rosa never really officially broke up. We just kind of drifted but stayed great friends. How great? I was a groomsman in her wedding. I thought it was a joke when we pledged that if we didn't get married we would be in each other's weddings. So I was pleasantly surprised when she and her fiance asked me to be in there wedding.

My therapist thinks I might set my expectations for a relationship too high. That I felt me and Rebecca stagnated but in reality most couple's level out. The new giddy feeling wears out after a while. And that's something I need to realize. That if I want a long term relationship then I'll have to learn that it will mature and the newness will go away. The love in the relationship doesn't go away but the relationship matures and a routine sets in. However the couple needs to find ways to stave off some of the oldness like date night, special occasions and looking to do things together that both enjoy. Those all signs that a couple has grown together.

Another relationship issue I might have is communication. I didn't voice my concerns with Rebecca. I didn't tell her my expectations for our relationship. One of the reasons she may have cheated was I didn't tell her what I wanted. Like me, she may have thought every thing had reached a peak in our relationship. With me not us not communicating our intentions, we didn't express our needs and expectations for each other. Instead of seeking out each other, she may have gone looking to have her expectations and needs else where.

In the future relationships, or even when I meet someone new, I need to start thinking about what I want. I also need to learn to relay those expectations. Not that I should scare off a new woman by saying I want a serious relationship and marriage and kids and all those things. No, that would just drive someone off when I just meet her. However, as the relationship grows, we should keep the lines of communication open and if things gradually changes, we should discuss it.

She also wants me to think about my drinking patters. Why some nights can I have one or two drinks and stop. Why on other nights, know I have to work, did I go off on a binge. She says I'm capable of making good decisions but I just use poor judgment. I did tell her I don't know why some nights I behaved and other nights I binged. There is some trigger there but we might not find it since I can't recall what sets off the binge.

I told her I started to realize I was stuck in that college boy party mode. In the mean time most of my friends were getting married and having families. The only way I grew up is I had a job. I, however, didn't mature beyond that 22 year old drinking party animal. I'm starting t realize I'm going to be forty and getting to old for this type of behavior. She told me this line of thinking was a sign that I was maturing and moving on in my life from that phase. She also noted that reflecting on my life like that is another sign I'm maturing.

She told me the reason most relationships fail is due to one of three reasons: money, child rearing and cheating. While those were the reasons, it's lack of communication is the underlying reason on the failure. I think she's trying to drive home the point that if I want to have a long term relationship I need to get into the proper mode about communicating.

I told her about the whole Violet incident with her last boyfriend. She told me Violet reaches out to me because she feels safe with me. That's a sign of having a strong character. I should have some pride in that people sense that strength of character in me and that they turn to me for moral support.

After the session, I did some more reflections on the strength of character and why people reach out to me. Lily sought me out after years of not talking. Her marriage was falling apart and she turned to me when she needed a friend. She didn't want money, she didn't want sex, she just wanted a person who she could trust and talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge her or criticize here. Dee in Tampa also turns to me in friendship. Swami turns to me sometimes. Even Rebecca calls just when she needs to get things out or needs a friend. A lot of people trust and value my friendship. The know I don't judge them and they know they can trust me. I won't turn them away because I am loyal to them. I can be fair and objective. It's not to say I don't speak out when I think they are doing things wrong. My love and friendship may be unconditional but I don't always approve what their actions and I will let them know that.

Overall, I got a few things out of this last session. I am maturing in my life. I realize my partying behavior isn't right for someone my age. That in realizing that I am maturing. I also need to open myself up more in relationships with women. I need to learn to communicate my expectations and not let things stagnate. If I feel stagnation sets on, I need to look at why. Did the relationship really stagnate or am I holding my expectations in the relationship too high? The newness of relationships wears off. I have to make an effort keep things fresh and communicate what I expect. The key is to keep the lines of communication open and not bottle things up in me.

Well that's all I have tonight....

Goodnight to you all,
Honza Pavel III (Czech translation of John Paul III)