The Terry Therapy Sessions III

Well I think I had a break through of sorts. My therapist and I have come to the conclusion I have trust issues. It's pretty bad too. As far as Terry can tell, me ex-girlfriend Violet was the one that messed me up. So on top of my high expectations for relationships and lack of communicating, I now don't trust women that come into my life. Great.

Terry tells me that my depression is 85% chemical imbalance and 15% rooted in other issues. She's looking to find out what that 15% is. She doesn't think it has anything to do with my upbringing. I had a fairly good family life and moral support from them. About the only thing that is messing me up family wise was the Golden Boy image of my brother.

So back to the trust issue. As I sit here writing this I can't put my finger on exactly what my trust misgivings are. I need to follow that up with Terry. The relationship with Violet though seems to have scarred me. As a result I don't trust women and it's a barrier to having a solid relationship.

The other thing we touched on was my strong hesitation on asking for help and letting people help me out. I feel like I'm a burden to people when I ask for rides and help taking me places. She said that I shouldn't feel that way. People are helping me out cause they want to. They see my situation and are willing to do favors for me. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm imposing on them. I did make some progress though in that I allowed a coworker to help me out with my car and I asked a friend for a ride to the counselor. They were very helpful and I'm very grateful to them. It also brings down the anxiety levels some.

The anxiety problem is something else I need to work on. I was totally relaxed this past week when I went to visit my mom and family. I've been back home less that 24 hours and already I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I don't even know why I'm all tensed up and feeling depressed. I'm getting up tomorrow, I'm going to work and nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. That's it and I'm all fucked up.

I see my shrink next week and I need to bring this up with her. I think I need an adjustment in my medication. Right now I have no reason to feel all tensed up, depressed and anxious. I had a good vacation with my family. I spent time with my nephews too and my best friend. All went well.

I brought it up with Terry that I'm feeling desperately lonely. I was looking forward to Dee's visit in August (that's a different story). It was one of the milestones to my probation count down I was using. Terry asked me if there was any thought of having a relationship with Dee. I said yes I've thought about it. Terry pointed out that I have a great friendship with her and that is the basis for a strong foundation for a relationship. Me and Dee had discussed it in the past. We talked about it last year but I was in no position cause of my legal problems. Dee withheld telling me about she felt about me cause I was dating Rebecca. She further hesitated telling me when in a drunken state I told Dee that I was in love with Rebecca.

Dee was right. I thought I was in love with Rebecca and had she brought up the subject of us having a relationship I would have told her no. What's further fucked up is how I knew in my heart that me and Rebecca were done but that I didn't want to leave her because I didn't want to be alone. I got used to spending the time and having someone in my life even though it was a dead end. To me a bad relationship was preferable to no relationship.

Dee also tells me that she thinks Rebecca and Violet are poison in my life. That I was able to cut out the other girlfriends and move on. It's something I'm very sensitive to. She asked me when I was going to cut ties with them. I told her not anytime soon. I know this thought would send her ballistic but I'd soon as cut them out of my life as I would her. It's just not going to happen.

As for Dee and I getting together, that's not going to happen anytime soon. I'll keep a long story short. She called me up in the middle of my vacation. I knew something was up. Sure enough she confessed her feelings for me. She was having anxiety attacks about coming to visit me and she couldn't make the air reservations to see me. Her therapist told her I was the underlying reason for these anxiety feelings and she needed to tell me. It didn't stun me and I had been contemplating this. I just don't have those feelings for her. I consider her a great friend and she's helped me out immensely with my anxieties, depressions and listening to me through my legal woes. It's just through all that I never developed the feelings for her that she has for me. She started crying and I told her that I was sorry.

I just don't have romantic feelings for Dee. My thinking was muddled for two days after our conversation but I finally was able to think it through. I wasn't going to lie to Dee and give her false hope of a future together. It would just be a recipe for disaster if I told her I liked her too. The last thing I want to do is hurt her and I would cause far more damage telling her I liked her than I would in telling her the truth. It just wouldn't be right.

Well I think that's all I have for now. I'm going to muddle through work this weekend. I need to decide what to do with the week Dee was coming to visit me. I have to either cancel the vacation time or reschedule it. It's a bummer. I was really looking forward to the visit and just not for the sex. I need the company. Sadly, like most my plans with women, this didn't come to fruition.