I can't shake it. I took the day off from work cause I knew I'd be out late last night. It took a lot of will power to get out of bed...at 1:00 p.m.
My place is cluttered and I need to clean it up. I have laundry piled a mile high. I have a dinner date with Rebecca tonight. And I'm not in the mood to do any of it.
I thought about calling Rebecca and telling her forget it. I don't want to go out tonight. But I'm going to force myself to go. What's the point of just sitting here and sitting alone in my misery. If nothing else hanging with Rebecca will let me forget my malaise for a while.
What makes me know this is a depressive episode and not some funk? For starters, I've suffered depression all my life and know the symptoms. The big key is my appetite. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I know I have to and will force feed myself in a bit but it's just not something I want to do.
My shrink say the depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. I buy it. My father suffered the same thing but my mom says when he reached age 40 he never went through another episode. I hadn't had an episode in two years so I thought maybe I was headed in the right direction. Guess not.
Of course there can be external triggers. I think one of them is not having a chance to see Sophia. I haven't seen her in a long time and it was one of the things keeping me focused when I had lost my driving privileges. I had hope for maybe starting something with her. Right now I'm in limbo with her.
I just might be flat out lonely. I'm not sure about that since this weekend and next weekend my social calendar is actually booked. I spent time with friends on Sunday and went to the game with Will. Tonight I see Rebecca. I work the next three days but on have plans for the weekend. So it's not like I'm sitting here wondering why friends don't call. They do and we have plans...so loneliness isn't an issue.
I thought maybe the holiday season starting might trigger it. I don't celebrate the holidays so I don't think that's it.
Hell I even missed my favorite Jewish holiday...Yom Kippur. It's been a running joke since high school about me being Jewish...I'm not...but here's the thing...I do celebrate Yom Kippur. It's a wonderful idea. The Day of Atonement. I don't celebrate by going to synagogue but I do reflect on the previous year. I asked God for forgiveness and I try to forgive those who some how may have wronged me. I try to let go of grudges. It's not just a day of atonement but a day of reflection. I missed it this year. Maybe I'll use Christmas as my atonement this year.
Rebecca just called. We are still on for dinner tonight. I gotta get moving. Laundry won't wash itself and the kitchen won't clean itself.
Signing off for now,
Your Fighting Depression Pope
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1 comment:
I love you. And I think you should go out, even if you don't want to. Don't let the loneliness win.
There are several things I know about you, Pope, and first is that you make the impossible possible. You fought to get where you are today. Nobody helped you, you did that on your own.
You are so incredibly driven, and that makes me proud to call you a friend.
You are one of the most beautiful people I know.
To quote the lovely and talented Sophia, "The first time I met you, I just knew there was something special about you. You have that 'wow' quality."
:)
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