Yesterday Violet came by and took me to the new place I'm going to move to. It was raining like Hoover Dam just busted. I wanted to put in an application and put whatever fees required for the apartment. I'm a few weeks to early. The require sixty notice and will have an idea of what's available in February by the end of this month. Great. I have enough difficulty getting someone to take me. Fortunately the salesman told me I can do the whole process online. I can even check daily for updated availability of apartments. How cool is that? I really shouldn't be amazed about what you can do on the internet but I still am sometimes.
After that we went to lunch at one of my favorite places. My mind kept drifting back to Rebecca. I don't want to get back with her. It's just that I got so used to having her around the four years we were together. In spite of the way things ended, I still miss being around her. We really did have great times together. I think I miss the companionship more than anything. It's frustrating at times. It didn't help that me and Violet were having lunch at a place me and Rebecca always used to hang out and eat at.
The other thing I don't understand about Rebecca is her hanging around with the guy she dated before me. This guy is pretty much worthless. I don't know if they are back together and I really don't care. I just bugs me cause I was 200 times better than this idiot. She tell me as much too. She calls her ex a "fucking idiot" and "fucking moron" with "fucking moron" her favorite. Let me just put it this way. He's a lawyer who that disbarred for stealing clients money. The way I understand it is he'll never be able to practice law again.
I got off track there. In some ways me and Rebecca are to much alike. We are both some what of loners. We both have a small circle of friends and don't stray to far beyond it. I know she's dated since we broke up and later I find out while we were together. So I know she meets people. And like me these things don't last long. I have these little flings that are pretty worthless and a waste of time. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Like I say, I do miss her and the companionship but I also remember that this relationship ended abruptly, fell over a cliff and smashed on the rocks below.
A Tale of Rebecca, Violet and Sophia
I don't know where this came from but it's been on my mind the last few days. I think it's a sign that a) I'm bored b) I'm lonely and c) I'm getting antsy about getting mobile again.
Rollback to around August or September of 2006. I'm just bored watching TV and more than likely drinking. My cell phone rings and I don't recognized the number. I answer and it's a voice from the past. Violet. I hadn't heard from her in at least three years. I'm in the midst of one of my depressions. I think I was getting suspicions of Rebecca running around but I didn't want to face up to the issue just yet. You know, if you ignore it then it can't be happening or it will go away. This is one of my bad depressions where I'm pretty much incapacitated. I can't eat, sleep and when I'm off from work I won't go anywhere. I'm pretty useless.
Well about a month into her call from beyond, Violet starts asking me to go visit her. I'm so depressed that I tell her I'm in no mood for it. She's insisting and insisting. I tell her no. She finally comes out with it. She says do I know why she's calling me and wants to see me? I haven't a clue. She insists do you really not know? I tell her I'm in no mood for this. Spit it out or leave me alone. She tells me she wants to get back together. This is really what I need. I told her you know I'm with Rebecca. She says yes. I could be knocked over with a feather. She says to take my time and think about it. I do. I think over night. I call the next day and tell her no. I can't do it. Anyway, she wants me to still go visit. I go, fuck her and come home a happy man. No regrets about fucking her, no guilt associated with the deed. Why? I'll get to that later.
Fast forward to March 2007. It's all in a haze of when I first met Sophia. I think it was in December of 2006. I'm pretty sure it was. Anyway about March 2007 I'm really starting to hang around with her a lot. Of course, Rebecca doesn't know any of this. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm really starting to fall for Sophia. We made out and mess around a lot but never had sex. Yes I have seen every body part of hers. Then the guilt and depression sets in.
One day several months later, I think before my August 2007 DWI fall or maybe after, I told Dee about this whole scenario. All I remember for sure is that it was before her August 2008 confession. She asked me why the guilt feelings with Sophia but not Violet. I told her that's easy. I can be cold and heartless sometimes. I knew I wasn't going to end up with Violet and I could have sex with her and not have the guilt feelings. With Sophia, on the other hand, I had genuine feelings. I could have left Rebecca for her. It caused mass confusion and depression soon followed by guilt. Had I not had genuine feelings for Sophia then I wouldn't give two flips about fucking her or messing around with her.
So anyway, that's just a little tale I thought I'd probably rehash for no other reason than I've been going over it in my mind lately.
Oy vey (Yeah, I know it's not a latin or Pope expression but Jews are God's children too),
PJP3
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