Notes from the Therapist

I saw my new therapist for the second time today. I really like her. I hope first impressions last. She seems to know her stuff.

I write this while it's fresh in my mind. A few things I need to look at and start thinking about.

First, I told her about my anxiety attacks this weekend. She acknowledges that is part of my make up. What I need to do is start changing my thinking patterns. That when things start to overwhelm me she wants me to start to slowdown. It sounds cliche but she wants me to take deep breaths and walk away from the situation. Watch a movie, read a book or magazine or call a friend to distract myself. Take a break from my overreacting thinking even if it is only for thirty minutes.

She explained it this way to me. When a person starts to get anxious, the flight or fight response kicks in. The mind doesn't differentiate from a physical or imagined threat. In my case, even though I knew I was going to be okay, I built my situation up in mind and went into thinking overdrive. All the endorphins the body creates in a flight or fight situation built up like toxins in my body. They continually build up because I couldn't find a release or solution. When I called my shrink on Sunday and she gave me the xanax script I found a release. I told her I didn't take the medication. She said I still felt relief because I made the call and picked up the script. That my mind knew that if continued this path of thinking I would take the meds and would calm down. So I knew there was relief one way or another and that my body stepped down from the amped up mode.

She also asked me to look at why I didn't reach out to someone sooner. Why did I let myself linger for three or four days in my misery? I told her I knew Dee was going to call me since she hadn't seen me online and that when I saw the email from Dee I really didn't want to open it. I had a feeling of dread that I would have to reply to Dee through email or IM. She asked me why I felt that dread. I said because Dee would ask me what's going on and that I really didn't want to deal with it. Why the dread and why do I not want to deal with my misery? Pride. It boils down to pride and not wanting to admit I'm having a problem.

She then asked me if I have a problem asking for help. I said for the most part I do. She says I have a pride issue and it's something I need to work on. It's not a bad thing. It's just that I need to realize it and know when I'm letting my pride cause me problems. Pride can be a debilitating issue. It's one thing to have pride in one's work and accomplishments. It's another to let it get so big that one can't swallow one's ego and ask for help. No one wants admit they have flaws but one shouldn't allow damage to one's health either because they won't ask for help.

She gave me a situation. Imagine that a friend came to me and said he had a big cocaine problem. How would I treat or react to him? I said I would offer any help I could and would be there for them. Why? He is my friend and I care for him. It would be my privilege to help him. I would feel great that he could turn to me for help. She asked me why I don't reach out when I need help? Did I think I was better than my friends? I said on some level I think that I am. She said it was the pride issue.

She told me that I need to show that same empathy and care for myself that I would show a friend. I can't beat myself up over an issue there is a solution to. It is human to think I'm better but I need to change my thinking and look for help when it's there.

She also says the pride issue comes from the Golden Boy image of my brother and the high esteem others hold him in. It's issue that we will delve deeper into at another time. She said that not only does the pride trigger the depression but it might be the reverse. That my depression might trigger the pride.

She says I know what my issues are and that I deal with them only when things come to a crisis point. That I need to change my thinking patterns and start confronting things sooner. She says it's not easy and it won't happen soon. Only with with time and gradual changes in my behavior will I be able to deal with my anxieties and breaking down my debilitating pride.

We also talked about my drinking. We've already established I drink when I'm bored. She also asked what other situations I drink in. I said anytime. When I'm out with friends. When I go to parties or dinners. I just drink. Why then do I drink in these situations? Do I think it makes me funnier, dance better or more outgoing? I think times it does. I told her that sometimes I'm having a good time and that drinking enhances that feeling. She says we need to explore why I feel that drinking enhances a good time. That there is an issue on why I can't just be out with friends and not enjoy that feeling and be happy.

She asked me if I always drink when with friends like when we are playing cards or just hanging out. I said no. The group of friends I play poker with don't allow me to drink. They know about my previous DWI, not this one though, and that they might let me have a drink or two but that's it. I said I can respect that and that it doesn't drive me away from them. She said I need to learn to hold my self accountable at the same level my friends do.

Right now I have the fear and the accountability that work and probation are holding me to. In the future all that will be gone. I need to start now in instilling that accountability in myself.

We covered a lot of ground in a fifty minute session. It's only a start though and we will be digging deeper into these issues and more as time progresses. I know all this isn't ground breaking news to me. I've written before about my pride and how I don't want to admit I have flaws. It's just now I have help in how to tackle these issues. I have someone who is trained in counseling and can guide me in the direction I need go. Like Swami tells me, it's a different perspective on things.