Miserable night

I was fucking miserable yesterday. I stayed up late and then slept all day. I kept tossing and turning. I slept lightly and in fits. I got out of bed at something like 2:30 p.m. I got up and thought maybe if I distracted myself on by surfing the web that I'd feel all right. Nothing. By 4:30 I was back in bed. I slept some more.

I called a friend to see if he was going to an AA meeting. I figured maybe if I went I'd snap out of this. People in AA always say get to a meeting or that they need to go to a meeting. I've never understood what that meant. I'm pretty sure yesterday was as close as I'll know. A lot of them say it helps them not drink. I can say I was in no danger of drinking but I guess that's what is meant that I need a meeting.

My friend never called me back and I didn't call anyone else about going to a meeting. It was probably a bad choice. I ended up being miserable all night.

In a sign that one addiction substitutes for another, I ate constantly last night and downed Dr. Peppers. Last time I went to my shrink I weighed myself and I had regained the weight I lost when all the shit hit the fan. I now think I've surpassed that. I pound down chocolate like it's going out of style and I drink soft drinks. In an effort to hold down the soft drink calories I've taken to drinking cool aide. Problem with that is it's too sweet and tastes too good. I end up drinking it too quick.

I woke up not feeling any better this morning. And on that note, I'll be back. I need a fucking shower and then I need to eat.

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Okay, I'm back. Fuck I needed to shower. Now I feel much better. Got the Zune plugged in on random play. I'm good to go.

As I was writing, I didn't feel much better this morning. I took a sleeping pill the night before. I tend not to take them since I had to ween myself off them last year. I had to be at my probation officer's at 11:00 a.m. The taxi service around here sucks so I called around 9:00 and to my shock they showed up thirty minutes later. Since I've completed all the terms of my probation, my visits consist of me showing up and handing over a probation report, a copy of my pay stub, proof that I've been attending AA and pissing in a cup. Since I got there early, I was out of there at 11:00 on the nose.

The AA club is right down the street. I decided to walk over and take in the noon meeting. No one I knew was there when I walked in so I bought a coke and cookies from the vending machine and read a magazine. As I stated before, AA does nothing for me. A coworker and the neighbor I called both show up right before the meeting. Par for the course, I'm bored out of my mind. I play with my Blackjack phone to kill the time. Goddamn, my coworker chaired the meeting. That son of a bitch talked for twenty minutes and said nothing. Hey, though, who am I to judge? If it's what's keeping him sober then good for him.

The meeting couldn't end soon enough but when it did I went over to talk to my neighbor. We ended up bullshitting and going to lunch. Since it was his birthday I treated. It was good and it help that I had someone to talk to. We didn't talk about anything in particular but I guess the friendship was what helped. He's a little to into the whole AA thing and pushes me to have the same outlook on life and sobriety as he does. I just nod my head and agree.

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And I guess now is as good a time for my AA rant as any. AA, the twelve steps, a sponsor, meetings and higher power doesn't work for me. To me it's more important to have people to talk to and let out what's bothering me. The official stance is that alcoholism is a disease and I was adamant that it wasn't. I still can't buy into the whole concept of it being a disease. Alcoholism is real and it's nasty. It destroys the life of the user and those around them. But I still can't view it completely as disease. It's a fucking addiction like crack, cocaine and heroin.

AA and other's preach that there is no cure for alcoholism. There is only recovery. That only through a higher power can someone beat the addiction. They don't define the higher power. They leave that to the individual. I really don't buy into the higher power in that sense. I think a person needs to find strength from some where but also needs to find strength with in. There is no way a person is going to beat alcoholism with out finding that inner strength. Not all the faith and believe in a higher power is going to help an alcoholic sober up if he doesn't want to put down the bottle.

Another thing that gets me is how in meetings and in talking with others is that they say that AA is different for everyone. For example, one thing the quote constantly is "What works for me might not work for you." That the program for recovery is different for each individual. Then explain the fucking twelve steps! They call it a guide to recovery. That doesn't make any sense. If it's an individual program why do they have twelve steps? One thing that they are pounding down my throat is that I have to do the twelve steps. I have to. I have to. If I don't, I'll end up drunk again. I have to sit down with a sponsor and go through the twelve steps. There is no other way. It's bullshit.

Of all the people I've met in AA and recovery programs, I've had only two people tell me it's not about the meetings, twelve steps and a sponsor. The first was a guy I met in my original AA group. I'll call him by his initials ES. The guy was just a phenomenal human being. If anyone I've ever met has a right to do drugs and drink, it was him. Life has just shit on him anyway it could AFTER he went into recovery. Yet he had the strength to maintain his sobriety. He was my original AA sponsor. He was honored by me asking him.

About two months into it I told ES,"Hey man, this whole sponseree sponsor thing isn't for me. Nothing against you but I don't want to do it."

He was cool with it and said,"I understand. If it isn't working for you, it isn't. Are you planning on staying sober though?"

I said,"Yes, but I just don't want a sponsor. I want us to be friends and I want you to be there for me when I need to talk and hash things out but I think this whole twelve step thing is bullshit and I'm not going to do it."

"Not a problem. I want to help you in anyway I can and if that's what you want then so be it."

Around that time I was near my six months and I told him not to make a big deal about it. I don't celebrate those milestones and I don't want him doing anything for me. I also told him when my year approaches only he was going to know. I'm not doing the birthday celebration and speaking and all the shit the AA clubs do. He told me that it was fine and that is how I deal with it. All he want was at least for me to let him buy me a steak.

I miss him dearly. He got busted driving a car without his license and the judge revoked his probation. I had to tell him not to call me so much from jail cause it was running up my bill. His house got foreclosed while he was locked up and I had no other way to get in contact with him once he got out. I went a few times to the AA club where I met him and no one heard about or would say what happened to him.

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The other person that told me it wasn't about the twelve steps, the meetings and the sponsor was, of all people, one of the counselors in my last rehab outpatient stint. She told me,"Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to meetings. I want you to get to know a few people. I want you to meet people in your age group. Get their numbers and talk to them. Don't isolate yourself and stare at the walls in a meeting. I want these people to be your friends. I want you to pick up the phone and call them. For you, it's not about working steps and going to meetings. For you, it's about having a few people you can call and just talk to. I want you to call them and invite them out to coffee. You have a good job so offer to pay. I know you like to do that right?"

I nodded that I like to treat. Which I do.

"See, use that. No, these people won't be using you if you buy. They will reciprocate. The point being is I want you to get to know a few guys and this is a way to break the ice. I know you can't drive so don't be embarrassed to call them and ask for a ride or just to do something. And, when that phone rings, I don't want you to look at the caller ID and see it's your AA buddies and not answer. Pick up that phone. Let them invite you to coffee. Don't hide yourself from them. That is your recovery. Not steps, not sponsors, not meetings. That don't mean shit. I want you to interact and fellowship with guys your age in recovery."

I miss her too. She nailed me and my ways right on the head. I still go to aftercare at the facility but she's moved on.

Well, this post is by far the longest I've ever written. Once I got going though I let it rip. A lot of this has been swirling around in my head. In the long term I know I'll be fine. Sadly I'm not going to meet any other people like KS or my rehab instructor. Everybody is jamming AA meetings, working twelve steps and getting a sponsor down my throat. They have no imagination or ability to see beyond the little corner they've painted themselves into. That's why in my opinion most will never live a complete and happy life. They've been fed and taught the whole AA alcoholism concept and they can't move past it.

From inside the Vatican Apartments,
Papa Juan Pablo III