Finally, I return to work. I need to. Half pay only goes so far. I shouldn't bitch. I kept my job. I have to do AA twice a week, meet with my therapist once a week, meet with the drug counsellor twice a month and random drug tests. I had to sign a contract stipulating all of the above and that if I mess up it's grounds for termination. I have to follow this aftercare program for two years. After that, the terms of the contract are completed. For three more years though, I'll still be subject to random drug testing.
To be honest, I think it's a bunch of bullshit. I've been sober almost nine months. They didn't factor any of that in. They just slapped me with the two years and the conditions. As far as AA, I'm just going to go through the motions. Twelve steps isn't my thing. AA says I'm just not drinking but since I don't do the step, I will eventually return to drinking. I think that's cult thinking. Do it our way or you won't succeed.
Not having transportation is the real pain. I just keep telling myself, February isn't that far off. Once work starts, time will go fast, football season will be here and then before I know it, my license is reinstated.
My lawyer has pissed me off. I've been calling him for three weeks now and no return calls. I want to see if I qualify for an occupational license. My administrative suspension is up in July but the court ordered one is until February. Once I'm mobile, I won't have trouble making all the meetings and random drug tests.
This is it though. I can't drink anymore. One slip up and I'm fired. They said if I relapse and come clean with them, they won't fire me. They will just have to see what happened and maybe adjust my aftercare program to ensure I stay sober. However, if I don't tell them and I get drug tested and fail, there is no hope.
I had to sign releases in order for my counselor to talk to my psychiatrist and the medical department. I haven't signed a release for my therapist yet. I really don't want to. I don't want the counselor privy to everything in my therapy sessions. I want my therapy sessions to be a place where I can vent and feel safe. I don't think I can be completely open in therapy if I know all I say will be getting reported back to the counselor. Like the AA thing, I'd like to say hey I don't like AA to my therapist. What I don't want is her reporting our sessions and then my counselor asking me why I don't like AA.
I'm so grateful that my doctor called me back when I called her answering service. We talked about what was going on. She was surprised they hadn't let me back to work. I told her I was getting anxiety and almost had a panic attack. She called in a script for xanax of 1 mg. I don't like taking it so I didn't. I wont tell my shrink that though. I deeply cherish my psychiatrist. She's been here for me through think and thin. She called pack when I called her answering service with in five minutes. The drug counselors that I've talked to have nothing but rave reviews about her. She was very helpful in not letting my life fall apart and helpful getting my time I need off from work to accomplish and take care of getting my life in order to succeed. Without her I would have been a basket case. I'm glad I found her. It was pure luck. My HMO sent me a list and I like her name so I chose here. It's worked out beautifully for me. She's genuine and has my best interests at heart. And it's just reinforced when I hear someone say what a wonderful doctor she is.
I'll admit my anxiety of returning to work is bothering me. I'm sure people will ask me of what's going on. All I'm going to say is that it was medical issues and leave it at that. I'm sure there will be rumors since I'll be riding into work with other but that's small potatoes. Once I get the routine down, everything will be okay.
Only thing I have to worry about is having someone meet me at the gate tomorrow and go to medical. Medical will be my first UA. Nothing to worry about there. I'm clean.
Once I get a routine down, I plan and going to visit my mom, sister and husband with the kids. It would be a nice way to get out of here. I think it would help time go too. Two weeks in San Antonio and maybe a week in Florida to see Dee. After that, football kicks off and once it gets going, time flies for me.
It's amazing how time has flown by for me since the arrest. Nine months already. I put myself through a lot but it's all for the good. The judge could have thrown the book at me. I showed I was willing to work at my sobriety by getting myself clean and going to rehab program. It worked and she gave me the lightest sentence possible. Actually, I think she went beyond what's required. State law mandates 80 minimum hours community service and 5-30 days in jail with two years probation. Instead she waived the community service and the jail time. She had me continue using antebuse and suspended my license for a year.
I'm going to live to fight again. So what I'm under their thump for two years and drug test for three additional years. It's probably saving me from myself in the long run.
Dios te Bendiga
Juan Pablo III
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