The need to move

I'm still not sleeping well unless I take a sleeping pill. I'm still worrying about what the counselor work is sending me to is going to have me do. I'm hoping not much. I can handle an AA session or two but that's about it. I guess they can make me keep going to the aftercare group I go to now. Really that's about it. I know work is going to drop the random drug test but I don't give a shit about that. I'm clean and have no intention of getting dirty anytime soon. I've worked too hard and come too far to fuck it all up now.

I'm just so fucking ready to get this thing moving along now. I'm ready to return to work and get my life go back the on the right track.

I have to fucking move too. I can't live out here past my probation and want to maintain my sanity. I overstayed myself here and it hurt me in many ways. I moved here out of necessity but once that passed I got lazy. I should have moved away back in 2005 after I got off probation the last time. Instead I stayed out here isolated and alone. My friends asked me to move back and wondered why I stayed out here. They even offered to help move me.

I miss so much by being out here. I didn't attend all the football games I used to. I put myself in danger when I drove home all those times drunk. I isolated myself from my friends because I lived too far. I wouldn't drive out to see them and they wouldn't come out here. I hurt myself in many ways doing that.

Swami says that I hurt myself spiritually by staying away for so long. He was ready to help pack me up and move me two years ago. He knew I was using work as my crutch along with Rebecca. Back in July when I told him I really was moving he knew something was up. I never said anything had happened between me and Rebecca. He asked me the status of our relationship. I didn't get into specifics other than to say we weren't seeing each other anymore. That we would just remain friends. True to the way he is he didn't ask anything else and I didn't feel like telling the whole story.

So it's obvious I want to move back to the real world now. I've had enough of Arlen, TX. I can't get along with Dale, Hank, Boomhauer and Bill. I don't socialize with my coworkers either. My cousin who lives close by I can't really stand for long periods either. She's nuttier than God knows what. She asked me about moving close to her. I told her sorry but her neck of the woods is just as bad as where I live. No. I need to move to where I'll know I'll be happy.

I need to be back in Houston. I don't care that I have to drive 75 miles round trip. My mental and spiritual well being is at stake here. At least back in Houston I can see friends, go to places I like and if need be just lock myself in my room. Out here I'm automatically isolated. Not anymore. March 1 , 2009 is my D-Day. I'm out of here.

I toyed with the idea of moving somewhere close to water. I thought about Galveston or Lake Houston. While the idea is appealing the result is the same. I'm isolated from everybody. I'd have to drive into work and drive out to see my friends. In the end I've accomplished nothing. I'm thinking the best place for me would to move to midtown, the Heights or some where close to a freeway and easy access to the football stadium. The change is definitely something I need.

I might not make the right choice where I move to but it's better than staying where I'm at. I'm slowly dying inside and I need to stop it.