Frustrations

The wait on returning to work in not sitting well with me. I called the medical department and lady handling my case said she was waiting to hear back from the counselor they sent me to. She told me that she would follow up. I'm still waiting.

I went to see a therapist on Monday. It was an initial visit. She asked me a bunch of questions to get to know me. Typical stuff and I go back to see her in two weeks. I told her about this blog. She asked me to print out some pages so we can discuss what's been going on with my life. I have no problem with that.

I was flipping through the channels over the weekend. Big surprise given my situation. I heard a line from some kid on a show,"I'm nineteen. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions." Good luck. I'm thirty nine. I still don't make my own decisions.

I realize that I put myself in my own situation but I know I'll never be full in charge of my own decisions. I'm under the thumb of the probation department for the next nine months. I'll be under a watch from work for the next two years. Will I truly be free after that? No. I'll still have to take drugs for my depression. I'll never be free from that. What about drinking? I'll never be free from that. I can't drink and control it. I have to stay away from that. I can't control myself when it comes to drinking. That is something I'll never be able to escape for the rest of my life.

My legal record will follow me for the rest of my life. Three DWIs are going no where. The state of Texas doesn't allow it to drop off like other infractions on a driving record.

Overall I'm just frustrated and feel stuck. I want out of where I live so bad. I want to be free to move about again. I want to be able to drive to a game or a movie. I want to be able to go have dinner without worrying about drinking and driving. I want work to be off my back. I just feel like I have chains and shackles weighing me down.